


Bloodline

by Aerith_Mon_Kishu



Series: Mon-Kishu's BuckyNat smut fics for events like Mini-Bang and Smut-A-Thon [2]
Category: Captain America (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Birth, Blow Jobs, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Children, Death, Domestic Fluff, Drinking, F/M, Family, Flashbacks, Forced Orgasm, Forced Pregnancy, HYDRA's viagra-like drug will make it difficult for Bucky for quite some time, Hurt/Comfort, Hydra (Marvel), Memory Loss, Nat and James will retrace their steps, Natasha is a perfect mommy although she would have never believed it herself, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Pregnancy, Rape, Safehouses, Sex, Stark builds Bucky skin nanites for his arm, Unplanned Pregnancy, Violation, Wiping, and find things they later wish would have stayed buried, but he does, oh you will hate me for what I make Bucky and Nat remember, sensory deprivation tank and drugs to help Bucky recover his memories, so that James can stop himself before he gets to rough with Nat, yes you will hate me for it XD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-12
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2018-01-19 03:40:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 29
Words: 101,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1454095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aerith_Mon_Kishu/pseuds/Aerith_Mon_Kishu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Winter Soldier is ordered to give Natasha a serum and bed her as often as he is able to. Hydra wants results. While Bucky fulfills his duty he doesn't realize that his mission will lead him much further...</p><p>Part I: (smut, pain, experiments)<br/>1 Encounter<br/>2 Dancing in the dark<br/>3 Used<br/>4 Stamina<br/>5 Metal<br/>6 Abduction<br/>7 Like father, like son<br/>8 Futile<br/>9 HYDRA's slaves<br/>10 When will the Icycle melt?<br/>11 Struggling for life - The Lullaby<br/>12 Redemption</p><p>Part II (fluff, family):<br/>13 Stark's idea of a nursery<br/>14 The father and husband they deserve<br/>15 The one time Tony and Bucky got drunk and talked about Howard<br/>16 On your left<br/>17 Freight Car<br/>18 Homecoming<br/>19 I won't leave you, my boy - or: Taking risks<br/>20 A chocolate box to lift your spirits<br/>21 Ballet. Cold. Karpov. Forceps. Rose.<br/>22 You have me at your mercy, you little minx<br/>23 Libido Issues<br/>24 How to be a gentleman<br/>25 How to make the Winter Soldier purr<br/>26 Scratching the itch<br/>27 The star that led me to her</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Encounter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N from 23.Jan.2016: This fanfic has been EDITED since I posted the 'epilogue' a week ago. Also decided to continue this story, with all the family fluff, flirting and helping Bucky.  
> Autumn_Froste did the beta-reading and helped me with suggestions. Thank you so much for that. Have fun with the corrected version. If you still find mistakes, please tell me so ^^  
> Mon-Kishu.

 link: [mon-kishu.deviantart.com/art/Black-Widow-Winter-Soldier-Marvel-Captain-America-533227240](http://mon-kishu.deviantart.com/art/Black-Widow-Winter-Soldier-Marvel-Captain-America-533227240)

Cold and bright. That’s how it felt, this time, every time… Confusion. His mind was blank.

“We have a new mission for you.” A voice said next to him while his eyes tried to adapt.

“Details?” Monotone, soldier.

“You will inject this serum into the target without her realizing it. Then you will visit her again. In private. Your body is fully functional. Seduce her, bed her as often as possible. Repeat this until you get further instructions.”

“Who is the target?”

“Natasha Romanoff, also known as the Black Widow.”

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

The first part of his mission had been easy. Even sneaking into S.H.I.E.L.D. had been a breeze. The target, just back from an assignment, bruised and exhausted, had reported dutifully before she let the doctors patch her up again. A perfect chance.

Now he followed her through the night. She walked aimlessly, or so it would seem to most people. Passersby and cars decreasing in number until finally she stopped in a dark alley, sighing. “You trailed me since headquarters. What do you want? I am not in the mood for a fight, but I will gladly show you your place, if that is what you wish for.”

He remained silent, coming up with a plan that would work on her.

Another sigh, then she turned around, and froze.” You...?” It was merely a second of confusion until her calm mask had settled upon her face again, eyes analyzing him quickly and thoroughly. “Usually it’s me who tries to seek you out. Have we changed the roles in our game of cat-and-mouse?” His silence bothered her more than it should have.

The spider was good, he gave her that. Remembering some of their encounters, the soldier felt a raw need pulsing in his veins, images of her using the variety of her skill-set flashing through his mind. It was crucial for his mission to feel aroused. He swallowed and took off his mask slowly, his eyes fixed on hers.

“James?” Natasha knew he still had to be in there somewhere. He was the one who rescued Steve from drowning and she certainly didn’t want an argument with Rogers about hope if she didn’t use this chance now.

His breathing quickened as he stalked toward her, all the predator she knew he was. “Natasha…,” he moaned as he came closer.

What did he come for? If he wanted to murder her, he would have already done it. So… Of course, she realized, he felt lost, betrayed and there were more than one reasons to save him. “Come here,” she said carefully.

Yes. She took the bait. His hands grabbed her shoulders, pushing her against the wall, while his lips started to devour hers...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you know from my stuff, maybe, my chaps are getting longer every time. A prologue is always difficult for me.  
> And whoever is able to tell me about the ‘advice’ I gave from the fanfic’s title, gets some previews ^^


	2. Dancing in the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Winter Soldier is used to get what he wants...

Natasha froze in shock as his lips touched hers. She had not expected him to… But why? At least it seemed that his order had not been to kill. Or had he somehow broken free? If there was any chance, she should use it, for James and Steve’s sake. Her lips slowly responded as she opened for him, a soft moan escaping her mouth.

The soldier stopped and drew away a couple of inches, his eyes piercing hers, while his rapid breathing ghosted over her cheeks.

He looked like a predator, primal instincts taking over and drowning him in need. Natasha calculated her options. Something was definitely wrong here. Yet, if there was a slight chance of saving this lost man, she would risk it. Her features changed into the expression of a lost, young girl, curious and trusting, while Natasha licked lips, savoring the taste of him. He had to be handled with care, knowing that he had the upper hand, while she still maintained the image of an assassin, dark and desirable - and dangerous. This would work on him.

“More,” he growled, before his hands captured hers, pinning her against the wall. He pressed his body against hers, kissing her again with a ferocity fueled by insanity. It would be a lie to say that this man didn’t feel good. It was unholy and brutal, the way he devoured her. She noticed him pressing against her through his trousers and raised one leg to capture him.

Barnes grinned into the kiss as one hand wandered down her side to take hold of her hips, lifting her up with his metal arm easily and moaning as she rubbed against him. “I want you,” he panted. “I need… more…”

She was able to get him. She had to. Natasha quickly opened her jeans with her free hand, only to feel his natural arm pushing beneath her underwear a second later. His fingers were skilled, surely something he had not forgotten over these long years, something that even HYDRA could not make him forget. Only a minute later she had thrown her arms around his shoulders, pushing him as close as possible.

“It’s still not enough,” he growled as he sat her down.

The next thing she heard was clothes ripping apart as he tore her jeans and her underwear in pieces to allow access to the place he desired. Natasha only hesitated for a second. There was no reason to be worried. However strong he and his desire would be, she could stand it, and there would be no consequences.

She was responding. Good. His hands quickly opened his trousers to finally free his arousal. He wanted to get over with this fast. There was enough time for finesse when he had his first couple of rounds with her, to keep her hunger growing.

Natasha looked down between the two of them, grinning as she saw him well equipped and ready for her. When he had his body’s salvation, she might be able to achieve true salvation with him. She needed him to trust her, so she grabbed him, stroking him hard with a mischievous grin on her face. “Is this enough?” she asked innocently.

“No.” The Winter Soldier hoisted her up once more before entering her moist center with one forceful thrust.

Both of them moaned loudly at the feeling of being united, throwing back their heads as they enjoyed the moment. He filled her perfectly, stretching her. They remained like this for a few seconds, trying to adjust.

Then he started shoving her against the wall, driving deep into her core, leaving them groaning. His pace was slow, but forceful, which left her clinging to him, scratching his shoulders until she drew blood. And from his groans Natasha knew that this was something he was more than fond of.

His hands grabbed her more forcefully, bruising the exposed skin of her thighs. She was, after all, a strong and ruthless woman he should keep locked up.

Natasha had started digging her hands into his soft locks, pulling, and waiting for a response.

The man grinned, it was such fun reducing a woman to her inner animal as he continued his pace but not until he challenged her strength, tugging on his own hair to reach her face. Lowering in, his neck pulsing faster with every breathe of ecstasy he took, he softly touched her lips with his own, "Tell me what you want. Let me hear it."

“I want…” Her voice was cut off by a brutal thrust that left her whining. She tried to cling onto something while the pleasure washed over her. Damn, she did not expect it to be this… She groaned as he grabbed her breast, torturing her with his skilled fingers.

"Ah...I haven't had this since the war... haha…,” He grabbed her jaw to force her to stare at him. "How does it feel... to fuck a fossil?" Eyes narrowed as his will did not stop at the mission laid before him. This was what he lived for, this was his mission. This woman would be his.

Natasha grinned at the remark. “Well, then we are two of one kind, aren't we? Two elders just having fun..." But she would show him that she was far from old. If only her position gave her more opportunities, but she wouldn't be the Black Widow, if she did find a way.

“I must admit...nngh,” he moaned, “you are quite the woman to take me so easily,” he thrust harder hitting for what seemed to be her sweet spot. “An average one would have just pleaded by now...,” his sneer was stuck to his face, seeing his partner reach her limit.  
“Too easy…” his mind twisted in thought.

The Black Widow was not about to give now. It was amazing, to have this brutal, primal sex in a dark alley. Just the way she liked it. Yet damn, for a mindless soldier we was much more passionate than she would have thought. But Natasha was enjoying it nonetheless. If only her mind would lead her to say the words she needed to express to turn him away from HYDRA. Right now, the only thing she could think about was the feeling of him inside of her.  
"Oh, just shut up and fuck me."

He flipped his hair back swiftly and picked up her body with ease, slamming her against the wall. "Fine. I'm gonna nail you so hard, you won't be able to walk for a week." James licked his way up her throat. “And then I'll fill you up until my cum is dripping out of you.” He rapidly thrust within her. Sweat. Heat. Passion. All mixed in with each other’s dire needs with no hint of regret.  
The Winter Soldier arched back and held her thighs tightly to his hips as he seeped into her.  
He opened his eyes slowly looking to the sky, he let out a whisper, "Hail....HYDRA...."

The Black Widow shivered at his words while her orgasm took over. No, he was far from saved... but at least… Her vision went blank as she cried out his real name, the ecstasy so great her body went limp in his arms. The last thing she felt was him filling her up with his hot seed. The pulsing of him as he did so took her breath as it extended her own release, until she only saw black.

Natasha awoke in her bedroom. Her thighs burning of what happened to her. She knew it all too well. And the Black Widow was also sure that he would visit her again. In the end, she did not get here by her own feet.

He knew where she resided, and did not kill her yet. Maybe, if she was carefully playing his game, he would trust her enough…


	3. Used

“Are you even listening to me, Nat,” A voice next to her wanted to know.

“Sorry, what?” She had been feeling tired all morning, her thoughts drifting off the short, hot encounter with the Winter Soldier.

“Had a good night,” Barton asked again, his smile wide, “you only look so sated when you had a good fuck. Unfortunately it seems like I wasn't invited, hmm?”

Natasha sighed. She knew there was no denying it, not from him. “Clint, we decided to stop that since Fury is not very fond of our partnership going beyond business.”

“Maybe I should resign,” he replied with a cocky grin.

Natasha groaned in annoyance. “Barton, please. We have to concentrate on this mission.” Checking that her weapons were safely hidden underneath her evening gown, she said on the comm, “We're ready, going to enter the event now.”

“Target's in the VIP section. You have to make your way into it,” Maria Hill's voice ordered via their earpieces.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Easy, just as always. Enchanting the target with her body and some sweet words, luring him to a place he cannot rely on his muscle men’s help and snatch what she needed before anyone knew she was even there. But this time she knew something was wrong when she entered the private rooms.

“You again?” The Black Widow froze in place as she spotted him in the darkness of the corner.

“You don't have to bother about your target anymore. I already got the answers for you.” He took out a disc from his pocket. “But if you want the intel, you got to work for it,” his Brooklyn accent slipping out in between the words.

The Black Widow just stared at him for a moment, trying to read him, but it was difficult with the fire still burning between her thighs. Usually she wasn't this unprofessional. She would have knocked him out and collected what she needed, yet there still had to be a way to turn him away from HYDRA, to talk him out of it. "Why?"

“What the hell do you mean, why?" The dark figure moved in on her closer, waiting to see her next move, while his right hand hovered over the loaded pistol on his hip. 

"Why are you playing this game with me? You are tracking me and now sabotaged a mission. What is it that you want from me?" She flexed her fingers, ready to pull her weapon as well, but only if she had to.

"I want you, that's all. Not even your personality, I couldn't give two shits about that, you know what this agreement between us is. I want your body, and no one will take that away from me...," dashing towards her swiftly, he broke the earpiece in her grasp. "No one...," he pinned her against the wall with his titanium arm, the other took off his mask to reveal a sinister grin.

“Who the fuck do you even think you are?!” she shouted at him angrily, while she was pressed between the hard surface and him. “I belong to no one.” Natasha said with gritted teeth as she stared at his grin that held what her body ached for.

"I think...by the end of tonight...,” his mouth hovering over her lips softly. "You will submit to everything I give to you without hesitation.” Grasping her left thigh, he hooked it above his waist in dominance.

Her breath was hot on his cheeks as she whispered, "Sorry, but I have other plans. No time to play." She could feel him pulsing at her core. There was no denying in what it did to her, but she suppressed the keening moan that worked its way up her throat.

“We have enough time. That idiot gave the order to let no one in here, until he comes out himself. Looks like you have made quite an impression on him. Answer me this: how far would you have gone with him,” he whispered sinisterly.

“Why do you ask? You know my methods very well. I can make men talk by snapping my fingers.” She held her head high as she looked at him.

“Except for me, right,” his steel hand locked on her wrists and he grabbed her by the ass, lifting her up above his hips and kissed her hard, forcing himself upon her. Nat's eyes widened then slightly closed yet the Winter Soldier's eyes remained determined to keep her in that position until he was satisfied she would not resist.

The Black Widow cursed her body for responding in such a way. She had to win the upper hand again. Yet maybe playing along would do the trick, but her pride forbid this. "Oh, now you are on thin ice, sweetheart. Don't be so smug about that one time, honey. I was just in the mood for a little fun." She wished for her hands being free so she could bury them in his hair. Natasha mentally shook her head and tried to rearrange her thoughts again. “Now it's my time for a question: How did you know I would be here tonight?”

"Natasha, you aren't difficult to figure out, we are close to the same age, you and I. How else would you have lived this long to see such history play through, that's what we have in common that you don't share with the others, they are just mere mortals with no sense of life value, except for us. The two of us understand each other, it is only natural for us to crave one another’s lust, don't you agree,” the man who was clad in black loosed his grasp on her slowly.

“It’s not nice to remind me of my age,” she purred against his ear. “And that still doesn’t answer my question.” When she felt his grip tightening again, she knew he wouldn’t give her this information. “So you are here on your own accord, just because you aren’t interested in the young, sweet girls anymore? Craving someone with experience?” Yes, they were alike, so alike. But he was still fighting for the wrong side. She had to lure him in even more, make him trust her.

"I am a lost cause Natasha, you are better off with Steve. So stop trying to get me to fall for your tricks cause it’s not going to happen,” he let go of her wrists only to rip off her jacket, sleeves only remaining. "Too bad we can never find a proper place to do this, but what does it matter? We both know what is going to happen next in this scenario."

Natasha groaned in annoyance. “I liked that jacket, asshole.” Using all her force and her freed hands she took hold of his shoulders and turned their positions, pushing him against the wall before she grabbed hold of his belt buckle. “You can’t know everything. This time I will be leading this.”

"Don't be too rough now, I'm fragile," he smirked. Eager to experience this, the soldier unclasped his jacket, letting Nat have easier access to his chest as well. His arm moved up her spine, it was cold but also had a sense of ecstasy as it hit her body, something he couldn't experience due to not having any feeling in that destructive arm.

Natasha shivered under his touch, closing her eyes for just a second, a moan escaping her lips. Her hands opened his trousers roughly, freeing his erection. With a smile on her lips and put her hands on his chest, feeling his heart beating, before she used her hands to claw down his upper body, leaving bloody streaks all over him, before he used her fingers in a much more gently way to take hold of him, pumping a few times, before she searched his eyes again. “Oh, I think you’ll be able to stand it. Just tell me when I’m too rough.”

Not wanting to show his lust toward her, his need for her heat, the soldier picked her head up and deeply kissed her, pulling her hips forward as to glide slowly over his hips. Sucking down hard on her neck to increase the sense of desired passion within their bodies. "I will not only mark you from the inside but for full view of others.” The bruising was fast, the marks were clean, and the deed was soon done.

Natasha groaned in pleasure as he brutally kissed her neck. One hand worked its way up again to grab his hair while the other continued to pleasure him. "You call this marking?" She grinned sinisterly before going down on her knees.

Eagerly he awaited her next move, caught in her eyes framed by fiery red locks and underlined by her soft, plump lips that were now… He groaned as her mouth surrounded his shaft while her fingers gingerly cupped his balls.

Natasha kept her eyes fixed on his, trying to read him, to break through to him while she started sucking, her lips making wet and naughty noises before she used her tongue to encircle the head, tasting salty precum. She would now mark him in her own way, her teeth only slightly brushing along the sensitive skin, making him cry out from time to time.

"You're good at this, I'll admit, Romanoff,” he smirked as his mechanical hand buried itself into her red locks, pushing her head further along his shaft, enjoying the wet heat she spread around him.

Natasha tried not to gag as he slid into her throat, but the training kept her breathing calm as she worked harder on him, sucking greedily. His tight grip softened after she had found a rhythm he liked. Feeling his balls she knew he was close to his release and when he pulled her head away she could imagine what his next step would be, so she walked towards the desk, leaning over it and exposing her bare center which had been hidden beneath the short skirt.

Barnes felt his carnal needs taking over as he saw her wet and ready for him. Grabbing her hips forcefully he aligned himself with her and entered her in one delicious, quick thrust which left them both groaning and longing for more. His movements were sharp, effective and he knew he was hitting the end of her, as she moaned half in pleasure half in pain.

The Black Widow clawed at the desk to keep herself steady as his body worked its magic, making her cry out in Russian curses. She knew that there would be bruises all along her hips and thighs tomorrow, but it was worth it. She matched his thrusts every time, but then he suddenly picked up an even faster pace, pounding into her like there was no tomorrow. His voice rose as he groaned, ready to spill himself and she would walk along with him.

His mechanical arm grabbed her hair once again, tearing her upwards until she was flush against his torso. His hands lifted up one thigh, as he thrust upwards, controlling everything she experienced. His second hand wandered down her body until it rested on her belly, his fingers only slightly touching her tingling secret. “Come for me,” his timbre was dark, darker than it should be.

This was the moment she knew she had lost control as her body obeyed him, ripping him into the abyss with her. A keening moan escaped her lips as her body convulsed around him, milking him to the last drop.

The Winter Soldier let himself fall into pure bliss while his mind stayed focused on the task at hand. This was the second time he had fulfilled HYDRA’s wish and he wanted to make sure he did that more often. This woman was like a drug and making his mission so much easier when she responded like that. Deep in his mind, he knew what the product of his quest would be. His hand caressed her stomach carefully for her not to notice, although he was sure her mind was far away from here. He wondered how long it would take and what HYDRA wanted from this child. But it was his mission to have her at any possibility, and dear lord, it would be… a pleasure.

Natasha tried to keep her eyes opened, but when she felt him putting her down on the desk, she knew her limbs wouldn’t even hold her if she tried to stand up. A sick feeling overcame her when she saw his eyes lingering on the place between her thighs, now drenched in his cum. The dark gleam made her shudder as she realized he was the one playing her, the one in control. “Give me the intel,” she demanded coolly.

The smirk on his face was telltale. “Alright.” After he finished closing his belt she pulled a disc from his pocket and threw it onto her exposed body. “Till the next time, Tasha.”

The Black Widow stayed behind for a few minutes, trying to regain her breath, while the tears flowed freely. She had hoped that saving him would be an option, earning his trust to keep him loyal. But there was so much more… Yet she knew, that when he came to her the next time, it would be this all over again…


	4. Stamina

"Once?" The director asked him, his voice dripping with mock. "The Winter Soldier only able to satisfy his needs once? I thought there was more in your icicle than that." He laughed.

"The team would have noticed if I kept her in my possession longer and I remember your orders were to -"

"We ordered you to fuck her at any possibility." The man snarled. "You will be given something to ensure more… virility.”

“I think I am very well able to -”

“Silence. You are not here to think.” _Only to fight and fuck_ , the director added. “Report to the medical center. They will aid you in this… matter.”

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

His body was burning hot, his loins hurt with need, as he watched the Black Widow snapping the neck of one of her enemies. His pants were getting tighter at every move of hers, so he decided to quickly finish the unwanted people off with his gun.

The Black Widow froze when she heard the shots before her enemies fell to the floor around her. Quickly she spotted him, as he jumped off the wall and practically attacked her with his body, pushing her flush against him so he could rub his erection against her belly. “I need you, now.”

“It’s really not the time to -” She was silenced with a brutal kiss before she heard her jumpsuit being torn to pieces. This was different from the first times. He seemed… desperate. A thought appeared in her mind, maybe she actually had caught him in her web. So she played along, fighting half-heartedly to turn him on even more. Natasha caught a glimpse of his needy eyes before he buried his face in her neck, deeply breathing in her scent.

“I need to be inside you,” he rasped before opening his pants with shaking hands, barely able to hold on to his control.

“Then take me,” she whispered against his ear. Natasha hooked one leg around his waist, giving him the access he wanted. He grabbed her hips and lifted her up, only to plunge into her with one quick thrust. Both of them groaned loudly at the feeling.

His moves were quick and effective and he took her there right on the spot. Lifting her up with his metal arm, before letting her fall back onto his hips, driving into her as deeply as he could, while his second hand started to caress her clit, rubbing her slowly and with pressure first and then changing to frantically movements to which she responded by moaning his name out loud.

The Black Widow gave him what he wanted, clawing into his shoulders while she tried to keep herself steady at his quick pace. It took them mere minutes to reach their pinnacle, both of them shouting the other’s name while he emptied himself inside of her for almost as long as she climaxed herself. The feeling of him twitching inside of her heightened of own pleasure until she sank against him, entirely spent.

“You think I am done with you?” Barnes asked her before lifting her up once more and thrusting inside of her to show that he was far from done, his member still hard.

Natasha blinked once, twice, before her mind started working again. How could he still not be sated? She didn’t even have the chance to stop her downward fall as he dropped her to the floor, pushing her legs apart with his knees before he impaled her with his cock once more.

It did not matter to him if she would find pleasure in this again as long as he got what he needed. So he grabbed her wrists as she tried to push him off and held them above her hand as he fucked her hard, gaining hoarse cries from her.

What the hell was wrong with him? She tried to lift her knees to push him away, but his thrust were strong enough to almost crack her pelvic bone while he took what he needed.

“Stop fighting, or this will get worse,” he grimly told her before burying his face in the valley between her breasts, licking every part of her skin, taking the tips between his teeth and bruising her nipples.

Natasha didn’t know why, but his assault turned her on. She had always been one for the bad boys, but this was truly an embodiment of her darkest desires. Vanilla sex was something for Steve, or even Clint, but this… was pure passion in its basest form.

The Winter Soldier could not hold himself back anymore as she started to tighten around him to get more friction. Oh, she was so perfect, so responsive. Before he even knew it, his body spasmed again, filling her up as much as he could.

Natasha was almost a little annoyed by him finishing off before her, yet she let it happen and waited for him to stop his attack, but his hips continued to thrust into her, giving her what she wanted in contrary to what a normal human would be able to do. Even if he held himself back the first time to still be hard enough for another round, this was an inhuman endurance. Something was wrong, oh so wrong while it felt so terribly good.

The Winter Soldier had expected his need to decrease with every time he spent himself, yet quite the opposite happened. An angry groan escaped his throat before he grabbed one of her legs, pressing it against her torso to dive deeper into her. He lost all finesse as he fulfilled his carnal need to have her again and again. “Why are you doing this to me?” He asked, and even for his foggy mind this sounded weird. “Why can’t I just…” He couldn’t even finish as he felt her tightening around him again. He hadn’t even noticed her impending peak. An angry cry was heard from him as he came inside of her once more, breathing heavily as he collapsed on top of her.

Natasha already knew she would be sore tomorrow and have bruises all over her hips and cleavage. Her breathing was just as fast as his as she tried to speak. “James, please, give me a break.” She laughed at her own words before she knew something was odd. He was still…

“More,” James growled before he grabbed her and set her on her hands and knees, entering her from behind while his metal fingers searched for her clit. Maybe he could turn her on once again. It felt so good when she came around him that he couldn’t get enough of it. But her body shied away from him which made him even angrier. “More!” He demanded before slapping her ass as hard as he could. The sound vibrating through his body.

Natasha tried to merely stand her ground as he had her again, her eyes filled with tears while she tried to make her body respond. The serum gave her endurance in every aspect but this was impossible. She cried as he climaxed once more, thrusting into her once, twice, before he held himself there, shivering. His cum was already dripping from her body and onto the floor, while his member was still hard and thick.

“I’m sorry,” he said as his mind kicked back in. He looked at his work in disbelieve before pulling out. Finally the edge of his need had worn off, but at a price. She was bruised everywhere and her womanhood was reddened and even injured, some drops of bloods mingling with the seed that was dripping out of her.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Natasha asked angrily as her breathing had normalized. She lifted herself up to slap him but stopped in her tracks when she saw his expression. There was clarity in it, and grief. But it was gone so quickly she thought she had imagined it. Back was the need but he tried to swallow it down to think clearly but his mind was already slipping again. “Oh no. Wait, James, please.”

He blinked and then focused on her before releasing a shallow breath. “Natalia?” He sounded so innocent. Then the Winter Soldier grimaced as if his head was hurting, falling backwards. Before his inner eye pictures flashed of Natasha on the sheets with a content smile while she pulled him down upon her. Memories that were not from recent encounters. What was this? _“You shouldn’t be here. They’ll kill you if they find out.” - “I don’t care.”_

“James, are you okay?” she questioned and carefully touched his face.

His eyes shot back to hers and the coldness returned. “I don’t want to see you hurt,” he said through gritted teeth. “I don’t want to be the one hurting you.” His shaking hands stroked over the bruises along her cleavage.

“It’s not so bad,” she whispered gently and leaned in closer to him.

He could smell her now, everything she could give him. It made him burn with need again. “NO!” he screamed out loud, as if in pain. His hands wandered down to his manhood, closing around the base, trying to give him enough friction to extinguish this desire.

She looked at him in shock. Something was very wrong here and she needed to find a way to help him. Was this HYDRA’s doing? But why? This sounded like a too twisted way to submit an enemy agent. Whatever it was, she knew there weren’t many options to help him. “Stay calm, James. I’m gonna help you.”

He looked at her, his whole body shivering now. “How?”

She merely smiled as she pushed him down until he lay on his back, completely vulnerable, for her. “I’ll think of something.” Natasha said before taking a firm hold of him and lowering her head.

“Na-ah-talia.” He moaned, writhing beneath her as he closed his eyes, trying to hold onto sanity. His hips bucked into her as she worked her greatest magic. He felt himself getting closer and closer to his release and remembered his orders. “Please, let me…” He tried to get a hold of her shoulder.

Her smile was kind and lustful as she laid back, exposing herself for him, her legs opened wide. “I’ll be there for you.” Even if it was in a twisted way like this. The Black Widow knew she was getting to him, helping him regaining some past memories and, hopefully, turned him away from HYDRA. If this was their plan, to turn _her_ around with seduction, she would use this plan against them, winning _him_ back.

She didn’t remember how often they came apart, but in the end his lust was satisfied as he collapsed beside her. He had been much gentler these times and she enjoyed holding him in her arms now. It felt so right, so… The thought hit her hard. She was compromised.

Barnes sighed and lifted himself up. “Do you need any help with your mission?” He smiled at her, it was sincere, and it almost broke her heart. “I think I was stalling you long enough.”

It felt cold without him next to her. “No,” she managed to say, “I’m fine.” Her body was aching in all the good and bad ways. Before she was able to collect herself, she felt his hands cupping her face gently and kissing her so softly, she might have passed out.

“‘Till the next time, Natalia.”

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

“Answer truthfully,” he demanded.

“I took her four times before I finally had the mind to even think about her needs. And several times after that I still couldn’t get him into my pants.” He admitted, almost ashamed.

“Then it has worked perfectly. Don’t worry. The next days it wears off a little and you might need longer but the quantity should stabilize at that point.”

The Winter Soldier tried not to look shocked as he heard these words.


	5. Metal

The Winter Soldier sighed as he woke up. Every bone in his body ached but at least the aphrodisiac the doctors had given him was finally wearing off. He couldn't even remember how often he had bedded the Black Widow during their last encounter. And he was sure that her teammates would soon notice that something was wrong with her. The bite marks healed within less than an hour but she had to be physically exhausted, even with the serum coursing through her veins. He too was entirely spent yet the need remained, so he pushed himself up from the bed to get intel about her next mission.

"Ah, good morning, playboy." The director greeting him mockingly. “You’re not going to want to sit down, you need to leave quickly. The Black Widow is currently on her way to Washington in a more diplomatic mission. You'll get more details on the jet."

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Natasha had waited for him the whole time, checked every dark corner and possible hiding place twice,  
before she realized she was getting paranoid, or maybe not... A dark chuckle sounded from behind her.

"I see you have been waiting for me. Clever girl." His arms sneaked around her shoulders as he leaned against her back, breathing in her scent and sighing. "I think this time we ought to take it more slowly, gently even." His voice was full of mock, while his metal arm glided down her torso to find the place between her legs. She tried to avoid his touch which made him smile. "Sore?"

"No thanks to you," Natasha answered before turning around to face him. She searched his eyes for the same desperate, almost insane need of yesterday, but found only glowing desire. Good, at least he was normal again, since she was sure another round like that would have shattered her pelvic bone.

"Where?" He asked while his fingers toyed with one of her locks, the move so simple and yet saying so much about him.

The Black Widow was able to read his every movement with precision, and soon she would have wrapped him around her finger. "I saw a nice bed in another room. Maybe for once we should use the furniture at hand."  
His grin was smug as he watched her, reading her as well. She had already fallen for him. But that didn't mean this would stop him from conquering her. His metal hand buried itself into her hair before he pulled at it roughly, exposing her throat to his lips and teeth. "Show me."

At least this time he left her clothes intact, even enjoyed sliding down her underwear and leaving the short skirt on for now. He unbuttoned her blouse with quick movements before burying his face between her breasts. The Winter Soldier slowly pushed her towards the bed and laid her down gently, never stopping kissing her. With a smile he straightened himself and looked down at her, lifting his hands in question.

She understood quickly and nodded towards his metal fingers, her mind already foggy with need and the imagination he would surely live up to.

He smirked and laid down next to her, his hips rubbing against her thighs, showing her his need, before his hand wandered over her breasts, diving into her lacy bra and gently cupping one peak while his lips found her neck, nuzzling her. "You will regret this choice." He chuckled as he used more force to pinch her nipple, making her shout his name in lust and pain.

When her soft moans grew louder he knew she was ready for more and wandered lower, laying his cold hand onto her stomach, caressing the skin before he lifted her skirt to put his fingers onto her tingling secret. He could only guess how wet she was since he had no feeling in this arm, but the slick noises were telltale as he worked one finger into her.

Natasha shivered as she felt the cold metal invading her, but at the same time it turned her on like hell. He was so gentle with a weapon that could tear muscles and break bones. She imagined how it would feel if he used his bionic powers to thrust into her. The mere thought made her moan and writhe beneath him.

"So responsive...," The Winter Soldier complimented and lifted his head to gaze into her eyes. He quickly decided to add another finger as he saw her ready, and biting her lips to stifle another moan. He watched her closely as his fingers explored her folds, trying to find the places where she needed him most.

“More,” she demanded with a loud moan as she felt him stretching her. Her legs spread even wider, allowing him to enter her further. Her hips started to thrust against his skilled fingers while he played her like an instrument, with gentle precision, coaxing the most delicious sounds from her lips.

He slowly increased the speed of his ministrations, yet still so far away from the vigor she wanted him to exert. The Winter Soldier loved toying with her, she was exquisite, her body reacting in ways that made his loins pulse with pleasure. But he took his time, now that he had the serum HYDRA gave him under control. Even using it to increase his need, while Barnes himself became the epitome of concentration, analyzing every delightful shiver, every sweet sound she made, only to master his technique. “Tell me what you want me to do,” he whispered hoarsely as he started kissing her neck again, sucking greedily. “Tell me, Natalia.”

His demand coaxed another moan from her lips as her entrance tightened around his fingers. “I…” She panted for breath as he hit her sweet spot once more. “I want you to thrust your fingers into me so… ah… hard that I feel nothing but you.”

Barnes stopped for a moment, looking at her with a smile. “You are not explicit enough, my dear.” He made a half circle inside of her with enough pressure to make her shudder.

Her groan was almost a cry as she shut her eyes tightly. “Oh, come on, just fuck me,” she demanded in annoyance. Why did he play her like this when other things were more important? Her mind was foggy with need as she squirmed under him.

“Wrong answer.” His voice became darker, almost angry. “I want you to tell me exactly what it is that you need.”

There were tears in her eyes as she whispered in defeat. “I want you to use your arm the way it was built to be, as a weapon - to hurt.”

He chuckled darkly. “As you wish…” He bit into her shoulder before pulling out his fingers almost all the way, only to thrust them inside of her with a brutality that nearly tore her skin.

Natasha couldn’t stop herself from groaning in pain and pleasure. “Yes!” She exclaimed, her voice hoarse and needy. Her entrance tightened around him to get more friction as he withdrew his fingers again and pushing back inside of her as hard as he could without using his bionic powers, saving them for later if she proved herself worthy of it.

“Such a good girl…” The Winter Soldier encouraged Natasha, working on her with so much force he almost drove her to the upper part of the bed if she didn’t hold the sheets as tightly as possible. His gaze wandered lower to her abdomen. He smirked as his eyes saw how the skin of her belly lifted each time he entered her. His thumb that had only brushed against her clit until now found its own rhythm, rubbing the tiny bundle of nerves vigorously.

 

Her first orgasm took her by surprise as her whole body arched towards his hand. Natasha moaned his name out loud while he continued to thrust into her, determined to keep her lust growing further instead of giving her a break. She welcomed his eagerness, her body now used to his stamina, enjoying it entirely. Her fingers buried themselves into his hair, pulling his head towards her to give him a passionate kiss, biting into his lips just enough to draw a little blood. His low growl encouraged her to demand more, her second hand joining his between her legs. “Take me now,” her voice was hoarse and pleading. “I want to feel you.”

The Winter Soldier lifted himself onto one elbow and looked down at her curiously and with a boyish smile. “Are you already so desperate?”

Her sly grin was inviting enough but when her fingers closed around his wrist and pulled his hand towards her face only to kiss his metal finger tips that glistened with her release, he couldn’t stop himself from groaning. Her eyes sparkled with desire as she licked his fingers clean, sucking at them eagerly, to make him wish he could have any feeling in his metal arm.

As the desire became unbearable the Winter Soldier grabbed her wrists and held them tightly above her head while his hips settled between her spread legs. His teeth bit into her neck as he plunged into her as deep as his could.

Barnes surprised her with new and very inventive ideas of positions that made her ache for more no matter how often he made her come around his maleness, fingers or tongue.

“I think you have now proven worthy,” he told her casually as if all this had just been foreplay.

“Of what?” Natasha panted, her eyes searching his.

The Winter Soldier chuckled darkly while he lifted his arm and clenched his fist, the metal groaning angrily. “I won’t hold back anymore.”

Her heart skipped as beat as her eyes widened in anticipation and fear.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Her legs barely supported her as Natasha entered her flat. Even in her wildest dreams she would have never imagined him to be this _good_. And yet again she was no step closer to turning him away from HYDRA. It was frustrating and the Black Widow felt more like using the situation for her own pleasure and not to help him.

She dragged her feet into the bathroom and started filling the tub while undressing. Natasha could smell him all over her, dark and musky and that hint of metal. She had lost herself in him entirely again...

The spy never found the right words while he toyed with her body so easily. An annoyed growl left her lips as she lowered herself into the bathtub. Maybe she should tell Steve about what had happened during the last several weeks, but what was there to say? ‘Hey, I’m fucking your former buddy and it’s fun.’ A sudden nausea took hold of her but she fought it off. Tomorrow, yes tomorrow she would think of something. The Black Widow was so exhausted that she didn’t even remember getting up at night several times to vomit in the bathroom.


	6. Abduction

“Tasha, I really think you should talk to me.” Clint blocked her way as she wanted to leave the conference room. “I know you, and I also know that something isn’t right.”

Natasha took a deep breath, preparing to lie to him, but it turned out to be difficult to keep a blank face. She had been feeling dizzy all morning, the pictures of a gruesome murder they had just looked at only worsened her condition. “I just worked too much. I could use some days off, that’s all.” She resisted the urge to lean against a furniture as the world began spinning.

“You look paler every day. If I didn’t know about your super-human abilities, I would say something is draining you, like sucking the life out of you.”

Natasha knew he was serious, but his choice of words made her grin. ‘More like I am sucking the life out of someone else...’ She banished the thought and slipped back into the façade of Black Widow. “Are you questioning my ability to get a job done?”

Clint shook his head, realizing he was wounding her pride and that was definitely the wrong way to go. “I just ask you to do a quick check-up, maybe they find something.”

“I don’t want anyone to know, to even question me about… ‘being weak.’”

The archer quickly thought about the options, “Then go to Banner. You know you can trust his discretion.”

She sighed and agreed, only because she knew he wouldn’t find anything. “Alright, if you stop nagging. But I first need to go through a training session with the newbies.”

Clint heaved a sigh of relief and nodded. “Thanks, Tasha. I’ll tell Banner to prepare.”

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

They were such a disappointment… And after she explained the same hand-to-hand combat move for the third time, Natasha was starting to lose her temper, sending one of the trainees down the mat hard enough to break his wrist. When the rest of them looked at her in pure fear for their life, she entirely lost it. “In a true fight your opponent will do more than only break a bones, they’ll kill you. So concentrate!” She saw them shying away and groaned in annoyance. This was usually not her way of dealing with such problems but her emotions seemed uncontrollable today and the nausea didn’t loosen its grip on her. She needed a stress relief, a proper one, not just beating those idiots to a bloody mess. She pushed a button on her com. “Hey, Cap, you have some time? I need you in the gym.” Luckily he had some moments to spare and arrived five minutes later.

“What’s up?” Steve asked, his voice light with that damn naive friendliness when he meet untrained ‘soldiers’ on their way up. He put down his bag with the intel he wanted to show Natasha after this… whatever she had planned. Fury had given him some files about the attack on another HYDRA facility yesterday, and what he had seen at first glance made him shudder. Maybe Natasha could make more sense out of this.

“I need a partner to show them some moves. You’re ready?” She didn’t want to waste any time while the young ones seemed to almost hype their idol. Annoying, no, downright disgusting…

Cap smiled at the trainees and nodded, moving into a fighting stance. “Yes.” He could barely see it coming when Natasha attacked him, the first few kicks and punches so quick he couldn’t even dodge them.

Oh yes, this was much better. With him she didn’t need to hold back. Just like with James… No, she wouldn’t think about him right now, not when she was willingly hurting his friend, the one who wanted to save him. Thoughts were spinning in her head, anger, rage, helplessness and lust. Steve still had no idea that she was sleeping with his former comrade and that she hadn’t even come one step closer to turning him over. The movements were so fast now that they blurred in front of her eyes, everything else faded, only the brutal act remained, that reminded her of how she and the Winter Soldier had fought for control, and what followed then…

A very hard kick sent Steve to the ground from which he quickly recovered. But Natasha was faster, she pushed him back down, straddling his lap and holding his wrists tightly above his head before she leaned down. Her mind was already far away by now, her body reacting automatically as she felt something between her legs. When she moved her hips, she heard someone moan, but Natasha couldn’t tell anymore if it was a sound of surprise or lust, so she leaned closer to her opponent and pressed her lips onto his. In between the passionate kisses she moaned James’ name, barely understandable even for her, but it didn’t matter. Suddenly something felt wrong. He wasn’t kissing her back with the same vigor, in fact he was fighting against her. The heady, musky scent she knew so well now tasted strange and different.

Natasha opened her eyes in confusion and was confronted with Steve’s shocked face as she realized what just happened. All options to explain this slipped from her mind as she heard one of the trainees cheer, the others falling in and making snide remarks.

“Out!” Natasha screamed at them. Range becoming the answer to this humiliation. Damn, damn, damn!

“Miss Romanoff?” The Captain carefully said, his face not only blushed but downright red.

Natasha shook her head as she got to her feet and muttered something in Russian that was obviously a curse. “Sorry, Cap… I…” Oh no, she hoped he didn’t hear James’s name slipping from her lips.

By now Steve was on his feet again, straightening his fighting suit and trying to avoid her eyes. “You could at least ask me out on a date first, before we start fondueing.” He gave his best at being funny.

But Natasha would have none of that. “Just forget what I did. Okay? It never happened.” Could it get any more absurd?

“Yeah, of course.” Yet his mind did quite the opposite. He remembered the moment she had kissed him on the escalator and compared it to now. Very… different. During their escape there had been a practical reason and the kiss had felt like that with just a hint of seduction, but this right now… Steve knew that the kiss wasn’t meant for him, he had heard her moan a name, but too muffled to understand. He shook the thought off and tried to concentrate on what he actually came to do.

Natasha quickly calculated her way to the bathroom as a wave of dizziness hit her. She tried not to show anything, but it was difficult while someone spoke to her. She didn’t understand what he was saying until she heard the name Bucky. “What?”

Steve looked at her more closely while he repeated his words. “I have some new intel about Bucky’s whereabouts. And another HYDRA facility. Shield took it down yesterday, more or less. HYDRA had fled shortly before we arrived and took most of the stuff there with them, but we found equipment that seems like something to repair Bucky’s arm. And also some other stuff, that…” He pulled a folder from his bag and gave it to her.

At least he didn’t nag her about what just occurred and didn’t hear the name she had said. Natasha flipped the folder open and looked at the first pictures. What she saw made her heart stop. Memories of the Red Room flooded her inner eyes as she studied the equipment. Between the high-tech, there were also tools she remembered. The urge to throw up grew fiercer.

“The scientists are still analyzing the few liquids they had left behind, but it seems like they are trying to recreate the super-soldier serum again.” He told her. “There were training rooms and holding cells. It seems like the participants aren’t there willingly and also, the clothes were…” Steve didn’t know how to tell her.

Natasha couldn’t believe what the evidence showed all too clearly. “... women’s clothes, right? They are creating Black Widows.”

“So you’re sure about that?” Now he had his suspicions confirmed.

“Yes… They did the same to me. It seems familiar.” She pointed at some of the tools on the pictures. “But why is the Winter Soldier there?” Natasha asked him. Maybe he had some more information about him by now.

“We have no idea, maybe he is there to train or protect them, or it’s simply his temporary hideout.” Steve wasn’t sure himself, but at least now he was one step closer to saving his friend.

‘Just like he trained me...’ Natasha said to herself, remembering his hard lessons. “Whatever it is, please drop me a note when you find out more, okay?” The memory she was reliving now destroyed the last bit of her control. She quickly excused herself and walked towards the bathroom, with normal strides at first, and then ran when she was of Steve’s sight.

The Captain only watched her, unsure why she showed such a behaviour. Was she still embarrassed because of what just happened? He looked at the pictures again. No… Steve didn’t know the details of her past, but surely these nightmares still haunted her. Now he regretted giving her a glimpse into the file.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

After she had nothing left in her stomach, Natasha was feeling a little bit better, at least as far as her nausea went. Her whole body ached now, but her mind hurt even more. All the memories of her past had come back in one big wave as she had looked at the pictures. HYDRA planned something that also involved the Winter Soldier. He was more than only a trainer for them, she was sure, but that didn’t explain her role in this.

Deep in thought she made her way to Bruce’s private section of the lab. She had made a promise to do this and suddenly her own problems came to the fore once more.

Anxiety was usually not on Natasha’s list of emotions, but she couldn’t shake the feeling anymore while Banner took the blood sample. What if they actually found something that was wrong? A thought tried to work its way up to the surface of her mind, to show her the obvious, but she suppressed it, just like she did since days.

“We’ll have the results tomorrow morning, or is it… urgent?” The doctor knew the Black Widow by now and she never came in between the routine check-ups.

“No, that’s fine. Thank you for the help.” Natasha jumped from the table and made her way out.

Before she was able to leave the building, Clint blocked her path, again. He had a smug grin on his face as he spoke. “So, you and Cap, hm?”

“What?” Oh, please, let it not be this…

“Rumours spread fast.” He replied and held her back when she tried to walk past him. “Tasha, I thought we were friends. You know you can trust my secrecy.” He huffed when she groaned in annoyance. “At least I don’t have to wonder anymore why you look so exhausted. Capsicle’s keeping you busy?”

“Oh, shut up, Clint. It’s been a long day, okay?” She wanted nothing more than a relaxing bath and a few hours of sleep.

“Going home to your sweetheart?” Clint chuckled.

That was enough. She could barely stop herself from punching him as hard as she could. Natasha wanted to shout, to scream, to break bones. A sudden helplessness overwhelmed her. She was losing control over her life. Tears started to blur her vision as she pushed Clint aside and made her way out.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Natasha couldn’t avoid the thought anymore. She wasn’t naive, she knew what her symptoms indicated, but it was downright impossible. The ability was taken from her so long ago. Yet she needed to be sure, to finally erase the doubts nagging her. And she didn’t want to wait for Banner giving her the results. She only needed one specific value.

On her way back to the apartment she dropped by the pharmacy, avoiding to show her face to the security cameras and paying in cash, yet she couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched.

At home she just wanted to have clarity, throwing her stuff into a corner and doing the test in the bathroom. The next minutes would be the longest in her life… She put the plastic piece onto the table and changed into something more comfortable. It couldn’t be, it was absurd, it was…

Natasha checked her watch, waited until three were minutes over… She needed something to occupy herself with, but couldn’t do anything else than hold the test impatiently. Her mind flooded with all the possibilities, and also the ways of how to put an end to it. ‘Don’t be stupid’, she said to herself, ‘there is nothing that needs to be…’ Four minutes. She heard a noise behind her and turned around, trying to remember where she put her gun. It was difficult to concentrate. Thirty seconds left. Again a noise. Someone was in here, or was she losing her mind? Five minutes. She was about to look down at the result when she heard footsteps and a chuckle behind her. Natasha turned and stared at the Winter Soldier.

“James? Have you gone mad? What if anyone saw you?” The question was stupid, he had been to her apartment quite a few times now without anyone noticing.

He didn't answer her, just kept staring at the little plastic device in her hands. “What is that?”

“It's nothing.” Natasha wanted to discard it, but she needed to risk as glimpse, needed to be sure. Looking down, the red plus sign was burning itself into her memory. Her heartbeat stopped for a brief second as the fact sank in. “Bohze moi.”

“What...?” he wanted to snatch the piece of plastic from her hands, but she pulled away.

“I don't understand this. What is so special with you that I was able to...?” HYDRA, the Red Room, the facility, it was all for... A sudden nausea made her run for the bathroom. The little contraption fell from her grip as she burst out.

When she was done, her body shaking and tears burning in her eyes, Natasha got up, seeing the Winter Soldier in the doorway. A blank look on his face.

“You're pregnant.” Although he whispered these words it sounded like thunder in her ears.

“Yes.”

A smile spread across James' lips as he walked towards her, pulling an injection needle from his breast-pocket. “Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god, nothing of this was planned! I only wanted Clint to show worry and Natasha to make a test. But what it turned out… I mean, I wanted to fill the blank with Tasha showing symptoms of mood swings and dizziness, so I put those idiots of trainees there and then I thought about Steve helping her, and then I had already written the kiss XD And then… hey, still not enough. Let them know something about Hydra’s plans… Oh my… I overdid it, didn’t I?


	7. Like father, like son

The sound of a heartbeat woke her up. It took her several minutes to also recognize voices and even longer to finally open her eyes. Blurry was her memory but she did remember that it had something to do with James and…. - the baby! At first she only saw vague figures standing around her, then she understood what they were talking.

"Her vitals are very good and the baby's growing healthily so far, no abnormalities. " Some doctor said, looking through the chart he was holding. His eyes glanced at a monitor. "Her heart rate's going up. I think she's awake now."

"Oh, she's a little fighter. No wonder, with all they did to her in the Red Room." Someone said.

"I think it's time we start with the next step of phase one." Another man announced, a syringe in his hand.

Natasha wanted to protest but only a groan left her mouth while she fought against the bonds holding her strapped to the table.

"Well, well, Natalia. Don't stress yourself. That's not good for the baby." Someone said and Natasha remembered the voice from a long gone time.

"What are you doing to her?" James! That was James.

Natasha tried to look around, everything was still blurry, but she found him quickly, his form tall and dark. A pitiful cry for help escaped her lips and she hated herself for it.

"Injecting her with this serum here. It will strengthen the child while it's growing inside of her. The unborn is already blessed with your genes and hers, but we want it to be even more. We are going to breed the perfect soldier." The old man told him.

"And it will also speed up the pregnancy. She will give birth within the month." A young scientist explained, his voice filled with excitement while he checked the syringe filled with a blue liquid. "Shall we, then?"

Natasha's eyes widened in shock as he pointed the needle right at her stomach. She started to fight desperately against her bonds, her breathing fast and erratic. "No… please, don't."

"Hold her down, or she might hurt the child with all that struggling." The director ordered, clearly annoyed by her behavior. "You should know when you've lost a battle, Natalia."

The woman groaned out loud, fighting even more frantically. "You will not experiment on my child. Our child!" She shouted at James angrily.

The Winter Soldier closed his eyes for a moment but when he opened them again there was no mercy. He stepped forward and held her hips in place with a vice-like grip. "Do it quickly."

Natasha couldn't believe it, didn't want to. She had been a lab rat before, but this was worse. She didn't even have enough time to embrace and process the fact that she was pregnant, but she already loved her child dearly. It was so innocent, and these men were about to change its fate into a bloodshed.

With a sinister grin the man pierced the skin of her belly with the syringe, pushing inside until he was sure the injection would be at the right place, in the tissue around her womb. Meanwhile Natasha cried tears of desperation, her struggles futile while she saw the blue liquid being pumped into her system. It stung slightly at first, just as she had expected but what followed then made her whole body rise up in pain. "Hold her!" The doctor said before he finally finished emptying the syringe and pulling it out. Meanwhile she had started to seize, her heartbeat reaching critical limits, the equipment attached to her beeping in alarm. The world around her started to grow hazy.

"It was too much?" It was partly a statement, partly a question.

"Oh no. I don't think so. She's strong. She can stand it." The doctor assured him.

Natasha let out one last helpless moan as her body collapsed on the sheets. The moment she lost conscious her vitals started to normalize again.

"Good work, doctor. Let's have a look then."

At his command the scientists stepped back from her, so did the Winter Soldier, curious of what would happen now. The sight of Natasha's suffering didn't bother him at all. She had just been another job, although an unusual one, and now he would see the fruit of his efforts.

The doctor adjusted some instruments and pointed an object right at Natasha's stomach.

The Winter Soldier watched this closely, while a part of his attention still remained upon Natasha. She was barely awake and would surely appear unconscious for all who didn't know her as well as he did. Her eyes almost closed, only vague figures visible for her while she struggled to remain watchful.

Natasha felt her vision clearing while she tried to fix her eyes on the glass screen now showing movements of the being inside of her. After the doctor adjusted something the image became three dimensional and more tangible. Tears started to flow down her cheeks while she saw the little hands and feet moving as if the unborn wanted to squirm away from all this.

"Now." Someone said and pointed at the screen. With the steady pulse of her heart the liquid was finally entering the baby's tiny body. It flinched violently before starting to kick with a force unnatural for a human fetus.

If Natasha had not been strapped to the table she would have doubled over in pain. Her mind didn't want to believe what her eyes saw while her lower abdomen shifted around, bulging and stretching. Meanwhile the screen showed clearly that it was the baby creating this horrific scene.

"Magnificent," the doctor said and leaned forward, not caring about Natasha's moans of agony. "Look at that, you can almost see the child growing."

"Is this bad for her?" Barnes asked, careful not to show a trace of regret in his voice.

"Who cares about her?" the doctor said angrily. "This is what she was made for. Not in the first place, of course, but after she failed our expectations, this was a good option." He turned towards an assistant. "Give her enough nutrition. We want the baby ready soon and we don't want her to collapse before it's time. Change from ten to forty, for now. Tomorrow we'll set it for sixty after the next dose."

"Like father, like son", one of the younger scientists said with a smile.

The Winter Soldier looked at him curiously.

"This there," the man pointed out, "is definitely his cock."

"You're sure?" A boy? Memories of Steve and him during their children flooded his mind, as did the imagination of how he would teach the child to fight.

"Yes, unmistakably."

Natasha felt her heart aching. She didn't know why. For her it didn't matter at all what sex this baby had, she just wanted it to live and be oh so far away from all that was happening right now. But now it felt all the more real while she watched the little boy moving around.

"15th week now. In around ten hours it'll be just another week. In around five to eight days, it'll be ready." Someone said from behind her.

"Give her something to make the womb relax, it needs to work with us. If it doesn't, give her everything all over our chemistry chart, magnesium, whatever you have. We need her to carry it as long as we can. The longer he stays inside the motherly environment the better." The main scientist unpacked a couple of glasses with blue colored fluid inside them. "And, as far as her body can stand it, we need to give her as much of the super-soldier serum as we have. Stay as close to the limit as possible."

"Yes, sir."

A week? Natasha's mind was asking. How wrong could it get...? At this point she didn't care about herself anymore. The baby needed to be safe, far away from the hands of these people who think they could play god. The Black Widow tried to focus her eyes on the Winter Soldier, who still stood there, unblinking, his eyes fixed on the screen. There was this dark wonder inside of him, something that meant harm, pain and death...

~.~

Barton checked his phone for the tenth time in just as many minutes before he tried to concentrate on his paper work again. Natasha should have met Bruce by now and she had promised to inform him as soon as she had the results. He shook his head and continued to fill the blank page with words that described his last mission with Natasha. It was difficult, for there had been many odds. For one was her disappearance for almost an hour and then the destroyed clothes. There had been similar troubles with the reports he had written the last month. He knew something was wrong, but he couldn't figure out what yet. This was just so out of character for Natasha that it made no sense. Hopefully Bruce had answers. As the phone vibrated he picked it up even before looking at the screen. "Nat?"

"Clint, have you seen Natasha today?" Banner asked, his voice full of concern.

"I'm not at Shield today. I thought she wanted to meet you in the morning." Hawkeye looked up from the report he was just writing. "You have the results? Anything we should worry about?"

"Well, it is something private. But it's urgent. She hasn't answered her phone. Can you somehow check on her?"

Clint couldn't move at first, shock written plainly over his face. "Yes, of course. Her apartment at Shield housing isn't far. Give me five minutes and I'll call you back." He didn't even wait for Banner's answer, closing the mobile and quickly grabbing the spare keys to Natasha's apartment she had given him before he left his home and ran down the hallway, all the bad possibilities turning around in his mind. Natasha couldn't get sick, the serum didn't allow it. But something was definitely wrong.

Three minutes later he stood before her door and knocked while he tried to catch his breath. "Tasha, you're in there? It's me, Clint. You okay?" When no one answered he used the keys and already regretted not bringing his bow and arrows with him. The rooms seemed normal, with no sight of her. He checked the bedroom, the covers untouched. He was just about to call Banner again as he saw something on the floor next to her bathroom. Hawkeye picked up the small plastic device and stared at it for over a minute before he hit the redial on his phone.

"You found her?" Banner asked him. When Clint didn't answer he grew worried. "Is everything alright?"

After breathing in deeply, Hawkeye could muster speech again. "Do your results explain how Natasha can be pregnant?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed this a little bit because I didn’t want it to look exactly like in Fringe, although I want to add that the reason why I loved that episode so much was because it was almost exactly how I would have wanted it XD


	8. Futile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nat tries to escape but Bucky stops her with the most gruesome way she can imagine as a thread.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this is a rather short chapter. I want to put some of the “make more of them” ideas into the next chapter, so you only have Nat's attempt at escape here, but believe me. It will hurt your soul when you read it. Have 'fun' ^^

“Steve Rogers.” The Captain answered his phone, clearly still unsure if he hit the right button.

“Hey, there, this is Clint. I have a rather... personal question for you. But please, you have to answer it, maybe even several lives are at stake.” Clint said, his voice almost monotone.

This struck a chord, making Steve freeze as he stopped walking towards his new trainees. “Okay?”

“Did you have sex with Natasha?” Clint said, careful and all the while wishing it had been Steve that...

“No! Of course not. Why do you even think about that? Natasha did some flirting with me, but, as I know, now nothing uncommon, yet we never went that far. My code of...”

Clint shut his phone the moment the Captain answered, not caring about what he would think. He had been sincere. That's all he wanted to hear. And it made this new case so much worse, because he had a suspicion what was going on. Quickly he dialed another number.

“Fury,” the voice on the other side of the line answered firmly.

The archer didn't even bother about a greeting this time, knowing that Nick would get the message. “I need access to all security tapes of Natasha during her missions the last two months.”

“You'll get it. Tell me why. She stored it onto her private files. I just believed she did what she had to do and didn't want it on...”

“Give me access,” he countered shortly.

“Okay, I know when something’s amiss and when I need to step back for further investigation, but at noon I want a full report,” Fury said angrily but yet with a hint of worry.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

A mere half an hour later Clint was standing in front of Banner, who was still looking at his samples. “Do your results explain how Natasha can be pregnant?”

“What? How do you know?” Banner asked, exasperated as if the stress made him fight the Hulk again.

“She used a pregnancy test. Now tell me how the hell it can be positive.” He threw the piece of plastic onto the table.

“I am still working on the how. I found another substance in Natasha's blood which could have led to that. I could ask Tony to help me analyze it.” He readied the file to be send.

“No, not yet. Keep it private.” Clint pushed the cancel button before it could be delivered. “I will check the security tapes. You work on the reason why Natasha became pregnant.”

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Natasha ran as fast as her weak body and her protruding belly allowed it. She had no idea how far down she was as she climbed the stairs. This had to be some sort of underground base of HYDRA. When she heard shouting and footsteps from above, Natasha quickly entered a hallway, leaning against the door and trying to catch her breath. This was so insane. She had no idea where she actually was. This facility could be miles away from even the smallest village, but she had to try it, for her baby.

A hard kick into her ribcage pushed the air out of her lungs and she had to steady herself. “Yes, my boy. We're gonna get out of here. I'll keep you safe from them, I promise.” She gently caressed the bulge that had formed until the baby relaxed again. Meanwhile Natasha heard the men running past her. She sighed in relief, closing her eyes for a second before she turned around to enter the stairs again.

“Don't move.” A dark voice told her while she felt a hand grabbing her wrist.

Natasha knew this velvety timbre, recognized these cold metal fingers. She felt his breath against her neck and tried not to shiver, to show her fear. “Let me go, James, please.”

“You will not escape. The procedure isn't over yet.”

“I will leave, even if it's over your dead body.” She could barely keep the insecurity out of her tone but it seemed to be enough to startle him for a moment, his grip loosening slightly. It took her a second too long to tear herself from him.

He drew his gun and pointed it directly at her abdomen. “And also over our child's?” He purred into her ear while he pushed the barrel against her belly hard enough for her to notice.

“You wouldn't dare.”

“No?” He chuckled darkly, putting his metal hand onto her stomach. “You know I would.” He whispered against her ear before kissing her neck tenderly. “After all, we can try again.” His fingers ghosted downwards until they reached the apex of her thighs.

“This is sick, even for you.” She couldn't stop her voice from shaking or the tears from falling.

“Is it? Well, my girl, you have two choices, but they will both lead to the same outcome, only that you will lose our little boy in one of them. So...?” He pressed her against the door, his instincts taking over, only fueled by the still present drug that HYDRA had given him to ensure an inhuman virility. His grin was wide while he breathed in her scent. “Oh, I would love to have you again.”

“Please, James. It doesn't have to be this way.” She tried to fight him but stopped instantly when she felt his gun being pushed harder against her, reminding her again what was at stake. “I know there is still good in you. They will take our baby away from us, your son. They will experiment on him, turn him into a killing machine.”

“Just like his father.” He pulled out an injection from his pocket, ramming it into her shoulder. The drug worked quickly, she didn't even have the chance to answer as her body collapsed into his arms. “Sleep now, my love. It will be over soon.” He kissed the top of her head gently.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Natasha heard voice talking about her while she tried to stay awake.

“How was it possible? There was no way she could have even attempted this escape.”

The Winter Soldier looked to the side. He knew it all too well, and marveled her methods. This woman was exceptional, the mother of his unborn son. The only one worthy of his genes.

“She must have pulled the IV out of her vein so we didn't notice. I saw a small bulge where the sedative was pumped under her skin instead of into her system. With the drug gone, she only had to open her cuffs.” One of the medics said boldly and with interest, earning a hard blow to his head.

“I want security as tight as possible from now on. Soldier, you will aid them. I believe, after your... studies... you should be able to tell every move of hers.”

The Winter Soldier suppressed a sigh. What a waste... These techniques were her specialty. And he could not deny the desire to watch her in action. “I will.”

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

After this incident life became a blur to her. She knew that the scientists were drawing blood samples, checking the baby via ultrasound and whatever else. But all felt like a dream, no, like a nightmare. It must have been almost two days until she was able to lift her head again while someone was describing the picture he saw on the screen. That was her baby. Now more than six months old, or so the scientist guessed. She could see the head, the arms, the feet. It was moving, curious and innocent. Her child, soon ready for the big dark world. How was that even possible? Natasha didn't have the strength to think about it while her body succumbed to the sedative.

For every life taken, a new one is born, the Winter Solder recited in his mind as he visited her after an assignment. Her belly had grown again even though he had been away for no more than a day. The hospital gown was pulled up, so he could see that the skin was taunt and thin, blue veins visible and the movements of the unborn easy to follow. Scientists were running around, measuring everything, noting what they found and changing the IV's drip speed to what they saw as limit.

Barnes followed the movements of his child. It was, as if it was hiding and shrinking away, clearly not wanting the attention. The urge to at least pull the sheet over Natasha's belly was great, but he did not succumb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be about Bucky realizing that Nat will die when she has the baby and also about Hydra wanting him to make more babies like this one. It sounds weird but it will be even stranger for Bucky, believe me ^^ Please review ^^


	9. HYDRA's slaves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 2 am in the morning. My friend who writes her stories next to me is sleeping and I got a little tired of doing terminal runs with Scarlet Witch, Jean and Doc Doom in Marvel Heroes for lvling and prestiging. I had a sudden urge to write something and here it comes. Not sure yet how I'll deal with the 'maybe'-babies from Bucky, but I'll think of something... Hopefully it won't be too terrible.

She heard them talking, all the time, without being able to object to anything they were doing to her body or her baby. It was hell to know what would happen and being powerless to avoid it. Countless times she tried to fight her way out but failed at merely opening her eyes. As if a nightmare was keeping her from waking up...

“She is only a vessel. The Black Widow program was partly a failure. But with his cells we can create more of him. With cloning, or the way he himself was created.” The director told the father with a cold voice. It felt like ages since Natasha had been able to understand the murmurs around her, but this felt clear like the day.

“I want to train him myself, when he comes of age.” A tiny bit of pride was leaking through the Winter Soldier's voice.

“Of course you will. And that won't take long actually. He does not only grow fast in her body. He will reach adulthood in about one or two years.” He patted him onto the shoulder. “Well done.” He turned around to leave when the Winter Soldier interrupted him.

“Is there a chance that Romanoff survives?” Suddenly his tone was cautious, not betraying his emotions to anyone who knew him.

“Well, not if we reach phase 2 of our plan.” The man chuckled evilly, fully aware of what was about to happen sooner or later and giving a damn about any consequences.

“What do you mean by that?” Now the Winter Soldier's voice seemed startled, even to the untrained ear.

“She won't make it through the delivery.” The director said without any hint of remorse. “As soon as we cut the cord she'll die. All her life will be concentrated inside the child. When we disconnect them, her will body give up.” He picked up a tablet screen and showed him some diagrams. “Your son will be even more powerful than Captain America. Finally the Super Soldier Serum reaches its pinnacle. And all that was needed was Mother Nature and a few liquids. Only when the integration of the serum’s abilities takes place when the child is conceived, it entirely locks into the DNA and does not override it. The result is perfection.” He chuckled.

Barnes put on a stoic façade again. “And there is really no chance...?”

“Oh, seriously? Come on! She has fulfilled her purpose. Yes, we could aid her, but that would mean much more engineering and that is costly. By far outweighs what we gain. The Black Widow is still a threat. As misguided as powerful. No need to keep her alive.”

“But...” The Winter Soldier stopped when he saw Natasha move, barely being able to shake her head.

“Please, you have to help me. I know you have your orders. But I am begging you. This is also your son, your flesh and blood. How can you let them do this to your child?”

He stared at her, his eyes blank while he scanned her growing belly. “I do want him to be strong, just as HYDRA does.”

The director chuckled. “Well, that's the spirit. Be prepared, I have a surprise for you.”

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Clint couldn't believe his own eyes when he saw a dark shadow appearing on the screen. This couldn't be true... this...

They kissed each other with abandon, starting to tear their clothes apart just to be as close to each as possible. It was intense and so primal...

Hawkeye knew what came next, although he didn't want to believe. He had never gotten any intelligence yet alone knew about the Winter Soldier's presence in the building. He had known that something was amiss but...

“Clint, are you there? What is so interesting that you...?” Banner asked him from behind but stopped in his tracks as he saw the obscene happenings on the screen. “So he is the father...”

Startled, the archer looked around. “Bruce, did you find out anything?”

Banner grimaced as he watched a very brutal moment in the edge of his sight, trying to avoid the screen. “Well, yes. I couldn't make any sense of it before, but when I combined the serum I extracted from her yesterday to an older sampler of Natasha's blood I could see a difference in her... well DNA. I know it sounds weird but it seems like her whole body had been overwritten. Unlocked something.”

“It made it possible for her conceive...” Clint finished while he thought about the many hours Natasha and he had spoken about what she could never have.

“Whoever did this to her wanted this pregnancy. That's the only purpose of the serum I found, well, not the only, it's merely the first stage.” Bruce could feel the darkness reaching towards him and wondered how Natasha would feel right now, surely knowing all this too, wherever she looked for refuge, or being hold captive.

“So, she was captured because of the baby.” Clint grimaced at the thought.

“It's not the only thing the serum changed.” A voice said behind them.

Both of the turned around, a startled look on their faces as they watched Stark entering the room.

“No long speeches about privacy, please. Jarvis informed me that you were doing some research so I hacked into your files. Holy shit. The Widow actually had sex with Capsicle's buddy? Well, at least it looked like they had some fun doing so.” Tony said casually, sitting down on a chair next to them, typing in some commands.

“I knew we could never trust you. That's why I wanted to keep this a secret until we know more.” Clint countered angrily.

“Don't stress yourself. I can be of help.” He finished attacking the keyboard and pulled up a video of Natasha and Barnes having sex in an alleyway. “I could pinpoint the moment of conception by using the data from Natasha's blood. This is what I found. Seems like the Winter Soldier is a one-hit-wonder. But no matter, the interesting part is this.” He showed some diagrams. “This is a normal woman's progress when she is carrying a child. But, due to Natasha's enhanced genes her body is much faster. So, giving her samples she was already three months along when she was abducted by HYDRA.”

“HYDRA?” Clint asked, not sure if he wanted to know about all the other circumstances he merely got a glimpse from.

“Barnes is still working for them, is he not? And it makes sense using him. He got a watered-down version of Cap's serum, just like Nat. Even though it's a different kind. And also, he trained her, so she knew him all along.”

Dear sweet darkness, how could he know details even Natasha had never told him? Clint wondered.

Tony gave an annoyed sigh. “I hacked into Shield, remember? Got a lot more info than I wanted but I stored it, in case it came in handy. So, back to the topic.” He pointed at the highest point of the diagram. “This is when she'll give birth, using the data I have so far. The stuff she got from them is only stage one. Preparing her body.”

Clint shook his head. “But that is merely a month away! It is impossible for a human to...”

Tony stopped him with an arched brow. “Is Natasha as human as we are?” He turned to Banner. “Well, not you but...”

Bruce looked at him angrily, showing that they had still some talk to get over with that didn't concern Natasha.

Clint closed his eyes and buried his face in his hands. “This sounds all so weird.” Yet he knew that Tony was very accurate, usually. “So you are saying she'll have the baby in four weeks?” He couldn't even try to get around the fact that she was pregnant at all.

“Maybe even less, when they strain her body to the maximum. And by knowing HYDRA's methods they will. We need to get her out of there fast.”

“And what exactly is 'there'?” Clint asked him angrily.

“No idea,” Stark muttered with his head turned to the side.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

When she heard a familiar voice next to her Natasha tried to open her eyes as far as she could, noticing James and another man towering above her.

"Since this vessel has proven to be useful, we will give you free access to the other Black Widows only engineered for the purpose of breeding."

"I told you already. It's only her I... made this for. And there will only be her." The Winter Soldier didn't even want to think about what HYDRA had planned now. It was absurd and so cruel even his icy heart had troubles grasping it.

"You have your orders, and I am quite certain the mixture we gave you for her has not worn off yet. It's a wonder you don't crawl across the floor, craving a good fuck. We allow you to mount the others any time you like, and that hopefully will be soon." The man chuckled.

"I have my needs under control, director." Then he noticed the tears in Natasha's eyes. "She's awake."

"And crying. She is better off dead anyway. Seems like the obedient little girl doesn't like you having fun others."

No, Natasha's mind screamed at them. _Don't use more women for this fucked up shit._ She didn't know about other Black Widows only programmed for this purpose, but no one should have to suffer through this only to die anyway.

"Pathetic. Let's just hope the child possesses more genes from your side when it comes to emotional matters." He turned towards one of the doctors. "Sedate her. And heighten the doses, 20% more should not be lethal yet. We must advance and her body can endure a lot."

"How long until...?" He didn't dare to ask, stopping himself.

"We want her to nourish the baby as long as possible, we'll be stopping any upcoming contractions unless the child is in danger. She could make it to a little more than ten months of normal – human – time. We might need to cut the baby out then, but what would it matter? To answer your question: One week, maybe less. Too bad you really only seem to enjoy her bed. Well... Another round of brain-washing could surely fix this," he chucked darkly.

"Wait." He said before thinking about it more, not even wanting to imagine, so he shut the feelings out. "I will ensure that the others will be seeded."

"Good boy," the director laughed and clapped him on the shoulder. "Enjoy yourself." Otherwise he would have ordered to extract what was needed from the Winter Soldier.

"James..." a horse female voice begged next to them, “Please, don't.”

"I said 'Sedate her.'" He angrily told the doctors and they followed his command quickly.

After the director had left the room he stayed with Natasha for a long while, staring at her face looked pain-ridden even in her sleep. She had to endure so much, only to be a vessel for yet another HYDRA weapon.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

"These are our best. They are trained in... comforting you. I want you to be done by tomorrow." He said before shutting the door behind him.

Barnes looked around the room. It was barely furnished, a small bed with no blankets, a table when the position got too boring, a toilet and a shower that surely only supplied cold water. The women however, seemed to be fine with their current living situation, maybe didn't even know else. They smiled at him, opening their robes to fulfill the pinnacle of their lives. It pained him to see this, but at the same time his loins were burning. The doctors had given him another dose of what they jestingly called 'Night's Fire' and he was more than ready to satisfy every single one of the wanton women. They were at least pretty if not beautiful. Although they lacked the fire Natasha had.

He counted them quickly. Fifteen. With the need that was pulsing through his member he was sure he could at least satisfy them twice, so he smiled gently, beckoning one of them closer. He could imagine she was Natasha, the same fiery hair, although it was slightly longer. She greeted him by bowing her head before going down on her knees in front of him. He aided her by opening his trousers while the other woman helped him out of his jacket and shirt.

Only minutes later he was on fire by the touch of the many women. Every one of them seemed to fight for the first round while he felt himself getting closer to the edge, enjoying the warm mouth now fully. The drug dulled his senses, and his remorse while he grabbed one of them by her red hair and threw her onto the sheet. He mounted her to fulfill his need. Quickly finishing while she sobbed beneath him, her body limp and sore from the harsh treatment.

The Winter Soldier didn't even remember the second one while his desire grew and his conscience slipped away. The dark red veil that clouded his sight lifted after the forth woman, or was it the eighth? He couldn't recall. He started to feel sleep pulling at him, but then he felt a sharp pain on his cheek.

The woman looked at him hungrily while the echo of the slap was still ringing in her ear. “You have not satisfied me yet.” She told him with anger blazing in her eyes.

That was enough to turn him on again. He grabbed her and threw her against the next wall as hard as he could. The rage fueled the drug in his blood again and he felt refreshed, ready to go once more, many times more. If they kept this up... He shuddered before giving in to the kisses that were more bites than sensual contacts of pleasure. Nails were ripping his skin open. He could smell blood and it drove him into a killing edge. There were two options now: To kill or to fuck. And oh the second choice made him feel so much better...

Sometimes he gave them the chance to ride him, sometimes he took the lead and did the work himself, calling the woman he mounted Natalia. They did not mind for they knew it was crucial that he kept his passion.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

"Report." He asked the red haired woman.

She shrugged and used a band to fix her hair straight backwards. Changing from wanton woman to cold blooded assassin. "He was very responsive. Especially with those who looked like her. Maybe dye the next group's hair in the right color. Making him angry works very well. The next group should use his rage to their advantage. He was like a wild beast riding us into oblivion.”

The director arched an eyebrow. “Did you enjoy it?”

“He is skilled, but merely a tool. I did my duty, sir, nothing more.” She put her hands onto her flat belly.

“Go to the doctors and let them check upon you and the others. Traces of his enhanced DNA will be found in even one or two cells when they mixed with your ova. The markers will be detected. Report to me how many have conceived over the day. As soon as you get positive results, you will submit to the treatment. There is no time to waste.” He smiled at her. “Take care. You might now carry the most precious cargo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this is mind for ages. No worries, Nat is my main priority. You won't hear much from these women in the future, but I wanted to show how cruel Hydra can be when they want something.


	10. When will the Icicle melt?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you know this song ^^ I loved it so much when I was a teenager. The Cranberries are great, an… interesting voice, but still, that makes it even more amazing.

_I should not have read the paper today,_   
_'Cause a child, child, child, child he was taken away._

_There's a place for the baby that died,_   
_And there's time for the mother who cried._   
_And she will hold him in her arms sometime,_   
_'Cause nine months is too long, too long, too long..._

_How, how could you hurt the child,_   
_How could you hurt the child?_   
_Now, does this make you satisfied,_   
_Satisfied, satisfied?_

_There's a place for the baby that died,_   
_And there's time for the mother who cried._   
_And you will hold him in your arms sometime,_   
_'Cause nine months is too long, too long, too long,_   
_Too long._

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

“James, please, I beg you. You cannot agree with what they are doing to me, to our child. If they start phase 2, they will steal from him all that makes him human. He's going to be a machine, sent out to kill. Before he is even born, he will be sworn to bloodshed.” Natasha didn’t even know if he was there. The sedative now dulling all her senses so much she could barely make out shapes. Then she felt a cold hand on her arm, knowing it belonged to him. Too cold, too hard to be flesh.

“I will guide him. That I promise you, I owe you.” He told her, his voice dark but gentle, and so quiet she knew it was only meant for her ears.

“I want to hold him.” She felt the tears and didn’t care about showing weakness anymore. For only a few weeks she was carrying this baby, and right now it was the only thing she could think about. Obsessed with the thought of at least making it right for her child. “I want to give him all my love, even if it’s only for a moment.”

“Natasha…” He didn’t know how to tell her. She already knew, of course, but speaking it out loud would make it real, and turning her remaining week into a nightmare even worse than before.

“James, please, promise me,” she cried. The Black Widow had never felt so helpless before, never been so lost. And the only one who could help was this assassin, with a ledger as red a hers and a mind that was desperately fighting, but loosing against the overwhelming powers of those who controlled him.

He made no sound as he turned away and left her there.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

“We need to find her, Tony.” Clint pressed while he watched Tony trying everything in the textbook.

“But we can't. Wherever they took her, it is out of our reach.” The inventor sighed in defeat, burying his face in his hands after another hack showed no results concerning Natasha.

“We can't establish any sort of contact. Maybe, maybe she can't send us a message because that would mean bringing her out in the open. Maybe she is fine somewhere out of range and…” Clint rambled on.

“Stop fooling yourself, archer. They have her.” Tony said angrily.

“Guys, you won’t believe this!” Banner almost shouted, storming into the lab. “Barnes just showed up in Fury’s office, and I mean literally in his office. He’s here!”

“What?!” Clint stood up fast enough to knock over his chair.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Fury said at his desk calmly, his fingers entwined while he watched them entering, but still keeping an eye on Barnes in the seat next to the window.

“Oh my god… I thought you were kidding.” Tony said, exasperated.

“How dare you even come here?” Clint growled angrily at Barnes who just kept his blank expression.

“First thing’s first. Why did no one tell me Natasha is pregnant?” Fury asked the three of them.

“That is of no importance,” the Winter Soldier stepped in while he got up and walked towards them slowly, enjoying their sudden fear. Yes, at least he still had a reputation other than a breeding stallion.

“Why are you here?” The archer asked him, wishing he had his bow brought with him.

“Because I need your help. No, actually Natasha needs your help.” He pulled out a vial with a liquid in it. “You need to find something that disables the negative aspects of this serum. It is used…”

“...to get her knocked up and speed up the pregnancy. We know.” Tony said, finally gaining his confidence and cockiness again.

There was a glimpse of desperation in his eyes before it disappeared, making them believe they only imagined it. “So you won’t be able to help her?”

“Now that we got our hands on a pure sample of what was used, I think we can work something out.” Tony continued as he walked towards him, snatching the sample from Barnes’ hand before taking quick steps backwards.

“Just save her. That is the only thing I ask for. She fought so hard for this, for… holding him. And since the birth will kill her…” He couldn’t continue with his heartfelt speech because everyone started shouting at him. He waited for the outburst to ebb and started again. “The serum’s only purpose is to make the child strong, therefore it also uses everything the mother can give him. There will be no more strength left in her, if we can’t reverse the effects. HYDRA wants Natasha dead and so they didn’t develop a serum to keep her stable long enough for her own healing to finally kick in and give her even the tiniest possibility to survive.”

“So we need to somehow make the powers of the serum flow back into her. That sounds more like magic and not science.” Bruce was already thinking about something, but his mind was blank. He never invested that much time into HYDRA’s strange ways of doing things until the Tesseract came around, and even so, he was just grasping a glimpse.

“We could make the baby die inside of her before it is ready to be born. That will surely solve the problem.” Tony suggested, knowing that this was a quick and more or less clean way.

“NO!” The Winter Soldier shouted at him, his eyes showing so much desperation and fear. “Natasha would rather die than lose this baby.”

“Why are you so sure?” Fury asked, finally entering the conversation.

“Because she told me. She just… She wanted to hold him, for him to be happy. And I will make sure of that. I will be the one to train him. He won’t become HYDRA, I promise.” Barnes’ voice was hoarse, showing his desperation.

“As if we could trust you with that. You knocked her up, took her to HYDRA and let them experiment on her.” Tony used his mocking voice and chuckled darkly. “Why would you keep your word?”

“Because I promised it to Natalia,” he said sternly, finally regaining his ground in the situation.

That made Clint falter and bite back another remark. He sounded so sincere. Maybe something of Steve’s friend was still in there.

Because not all of them we sure yet, Barnes continued, knowing he got them now. “I trained her, I trained Natalia when she was a child, barely on the verge of becoming a woman. And she grew into the most amazing woman I have ever seen.” He wanted to lure them into it, by telling the truth that even shocked the Winter Soldier himself. “I love her.”

The room was silent for a moment. Everyone processed this thought and they all came to the same conclusion.

“We will help, but under our conditions.” Fury told him calmly.

The Winter Soldier only nodded, awaiting his next words.

“Tony and Bruce will work on a serum. Clint will plan the escape. You must bring her to us. I am sure they already suspected something since you are gone without order. You will get her out of there as soon as you see a window of opportunity. Then, when our scientists here are ready we will treat her so she AND the baby make it.” He glimpsed at Tony and Bruce who were showing confidence but also the lack of time. “When is she due?”

Barnes suppressed a sigh of relief. There would be a happy ending for Natasha. “The natural birth would be in two days. HYDRA wants her to keep the child in for longer, around the tenth month. So…”

“They want what?” Now Clint’s anger flared again.

“Alright. That is all I needed to know. Banner, Stark, you have two days. That must be enough. Barnes, whenever you see the chance, get her out of there. Clint will give you a transmitter to activate as soon as you have a signal.”

Barnes nodded and replied the way he was trained to, “Yes, sir.”

“We will try to secure your cover. No word of this gets out, in case someone wants to listen.” With a gesture of his hand he sent them away.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

“You incompetent idiot!” The Director shouted at him as soon as he slipped back into his quarters, of course undetected.

“Sir?”

“Only three women were knocked up.”

“And the babies are well?” The Winter Soldier asked, his voice monotone.

“Of course not. Why would I be so angry if they were? As soon as we started our treatment they lost whatever fruit was growing in their wombs.” He almost shouted at him.

 _And how is that my fault_ , the Soldier wanted to ask but bit back this remark. “So I will seed another round,” playing his part...

“Not until we figured out why.” He was angry, that was all too clear, and his temper was unpredictable.

 _They were not Natasha_ , his mind whispered to him. “I will await your orders.” he said instead.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

That night Natasha couldn't sleep, although her body was shivering from exhaustion. The doctors said she was at around the 45th week and she felt like it. Although the tranquilizers were dulling everything, she could also feel the stretch of her body, the weight of the child. They had started giving her everything they knew to stop any contractions from happening until they thought her time had come. James hadn’t showed up since their last talk, and she didn’t want to imagine whatever HYDRA forced him to do now, especially to other women.

Yet none of that mattered to her anymore. The only thing she wanted was to hold this baby in her arms. For many more hours she stayed in this state of wake and sleep until she felt that familiar cold hand.

“You asked me if I agree with it. I do not. I am going to save you. But we have to be quick. As soon as I disconnect you from the IVs the birth will start within hours. I have to get you to S.H.I.E.L.D., where they will deliver the baby. You will survive the birth, I promise you.”

That was a dream, Natasha knew it. She didn’t fight the person pulling out the IVs and loosening the bonds that held her to the table. She actually smiled at the dream making her believe someone was carrying her away until the drugs were neutralized by her enhanced system.

“Natasha, do you hear me? Please stay here for a moment. I have to clear the next corridor.” Barnes told her.

As if she could run away now… Natasha nodded while her mind finally started working again. This was for real! The adrenaline counteracted the remains of the tranquilizers. Now she was wide awake, trying to understand this situation. She could hear gunshots and men screaming. Protectively she covered her belly.

“Now come!” Barnes grabbed her, pulling her to her feet. “I have signaled the archer. They are on their way, but we have to make it to the upper level and out of here so they can pick us up.”

Her training kicked in. “Do you have a gun?”

The Winter Soldier smiled at her proudly. She was so perfect… “Here,” he said as he handed her a gun. “But don’t accidently shoot me.”

“I would never dare,” she smiled at him. This could work. With the two of them together, nothing was impossible.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Natasha ran as fast as she could, but soon her breath was running thin. “Wait, please, just a minute.”

“We don't have a minute.” He shouted at her as he tried pulling her along but stopped when the realization dawned upon him.

She rubbed her back. “It's just... it hurts.” The next moment a terrible stab of pain shot through her belly and a puddle of fluid was forming at her feet. “Oh, no, no, no! Not yet.” A heart tearing scream escaped from her throat as she sank to her knees in agony.

“It's starting. We have to get out of here.” He urged her to get up again but it was futile.

“Why can't we simply hide and after I had the baby we leave. I think I can stand it. I don’t care about the serum.” She was gasping now.

“No, Tasha, you can't. Even if we somehow make you deliver him naturally, you will die.” He tried pulling her along.

“Oh, please, wait. I can't walk anymore. It's... I think I can feel his head.” Her voice was so desperate, so helpless...

“What?” He stared at her hands, held between her legs. “It has merely been half an hour. The director said it would take you almost a day to get to this point.”

Natasha went to her knees slowly, grabbing beneath the hospital gown. “I think the running made a difference then.” She leaned back against the wall and lowered herself slowly, trying to catch her breath.

“But we have to be able to do something.” He rudely grabbed the gown and shoved it up. The Winter Soldier had expected her to overreact a little, but when he saw the child's head crowning between her legs, he grew frantic. “But it can't happen already.”

“Well, it's not like I was actively helping.” Tears were running down her cheeks. “With every contraction I feel this fierce need to help the baby out.”

“Don't push. Please, not yet. We have to fix this.”

“But how?” Natasha screamed at the next wave of pain came.

Barnes' eyes widened as he saw the child head moving further. ”Stop pushing.” He put his hands onto her entrance, as if that would stop the baby somehow.

“I am not. Oh god, it hurts so much.”

“It's only 5 floors until the reach to ground level. When we can make it up there and into public, we can call an ambulance. Just a few more minutes.”

“We don't have minutes.” The contraction still hadn't stopped and she knew that the child's head was only seconds away from emerging.

“Damn...” He looked up into her eyes. “I am sorry.” He put one hand onto her shoulder for support and the other onto the baby before he pushed against it.

“You will hurt him.” Natasha gasped in denial trying to get his hands away.

“He is strong, believe me.”

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

“What the hell is that?” Tony asked angrily as another simulation failed.

“It is one of the most advanced molecules I have ever seen.” Bruce said, still in shock at what it did so harshly.

“How the hell could we ever reverse it, yet along make it bring Natasha through the delivery alive.” Tony was trying another combination and failed.

In that moment Clint stormed into the room. “Barnes’ signal has been activated. We need to leave NOW!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loooove cliffhangers. Really. Whenever I read a story with them, I can start imagine what comes next, how they solve it. And I love to revel in it every free minute. I know some of you will freak this out, but believe me, what I have already written is.... more terrible than your imagination. There will be hearts stopping, and blood and scapels, and tears. Oh my god… It’s not done yet, but quite frankly, it’s too much for me, so I stop now, and give you the rest as soon as it is done.  
> But I will post more frequently when I am in university again. It always makes my hands tingle whenever I can NOT write XDDD  
> So be prepared. ^^
> 
>  
> 
> Also, please review, and also tell me whenever I wrote mistakes. My English is terrible since it’s not my native. I did a few typo or grammar changes in the last chapter already, also added a line or two at one point.
> 
> Please stay with me, and whenever I am done with this, I will go over it again, try to clear it of mistakes and add a little more, and then you are invited to read again. ^^
> 
>  
> 
> Yours, Mon-Kishu


	11. Struggling for life - or: the lullaby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce and Tony fight for Natasha's life, and the child's. It seemed hopeless, but...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, you get your second part, and prepare either handkerchiefs or something to throw up in… No, just a joke, but be prepared. It’ll be hard.  
> after I finished the chapter: Okay, for the ending, be prepared to have someone next to you to sob into his/her chest. Damn, I cried myself. With the Russian lullaby that I just took because it was the first and it fit… OMG! Okay, just read.

“We can’t leave yet. We have nothing to offer her. All our tests failed so far.” Banner announced and saw how Clint’s face fell.

“Take whatever you have to keep her alive until you find something. They are not far away, but we need to reach them as soon as possible. The Winter Soldier will have a hard time taking care of Romanoff while also protecting them from HYDRA.” Clint ordered angrily.

“I’ll stay here and run a few more tests. Load the replicator into the jet. When I come up with something, I’ll send you the results and you can produce a cure.” Bruce offered while he ran around preparing everything.

“You sure you can do this?” Tony’s voice was filled with uncertainty.

“I work best under stress,” the doctor said with a fake smile.

“Don’t lay my tower in ashes until you find a cure.” He gave him one more pat on the shoulder before he was off.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

When his attempts failed he tried harder. “You have to relax or this won't work.”

“Oh god!” Natasha tried to fight him off. “Stop!”

“No, Natasha, I’m begging you, please. Don’t give up now. We can do this. Only a few floors until you see your friends again, and they will help you. I am sure they are already waiting for us, fighting their way into the base.” He became more and more desperate, and this was the moment the Winter Soldier realized that he needed her, so badly. But right now he had to be the strong one, the one who told her what to do, taking the reins. And even if it meant hurting her, he was going to save her life.

“No, just… let me… push, and I will…” She knew something was wrong, she felt it. This cold... while the colour drained from her face.

“Natalia, oh my…” He watched her eyes rolling back, her body going limp while her body stopped struggling. “Damn!” Barnes shouted and did what he had to do. There were no complaints this time, no screaming, no… sign of… He pushed this thought aside. No, they would save her. As he withdrew his arm, he saw the blood all over it and for the first time in his life he felt really sick at the sight of it. There was something wrong, but had no idea of how to fix it right now. He had to get her up there. Natasha was strong, he knew that. She would make it, she had to. But he didn’t want to know what the Black Widow would do when she woke up and realized that her child was gone.

With a quick glance he checked the hallway before picking her up in his arms. Only a few more levels to go.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

“I think I found something!” Bruce shouted into the intercom after he had pressed the button.

Tony quickly ran over to the panel. “You have? Does it work?”

“I think so. At least it neutralizes the serum they used on her. But the cells are having a hard time staying alive. Also… I think it could destroy Natasha’s abilities. It also attacks the super soldier serum inside of her. It’s all combined now and therefore indistinguishable. But my cure doesn’t only shut down her original serum, it also attacks the tissue that is now unprotected and doesn’t have the enhanced healing abilities. Right now I only have her blood to work with. The blood cells are renewed more often than others. The white blood cells died right away, the red ones are holding up a little longer. I am not entirely sure, if it won’t kill her in the long term…” Bruce spoke while his voice changed as if he just read the results changing for the worse as he told his message.

“It is our only shot right now. So we’ll use it. Try and… produce a cure for our anti-serum as soon as you can. When we delivered we’ll pump her full of it, and all effects will be reversed, right?” Tony tried to sound confident, wanting Bruce to also feel this way, to give him the strength, but…

“Since I know how our stuff works, it will be much easier to do that. Don’t worry. Yet, I fear that…” Bruce’s voice broke.

“Ten minutes out, Stark,” Clint told him without even turning around and giving in to his anger. He had heard the conversation and was not delighted yet he knew even more pressure wouldn’t do any good.

“What, Bruce?” Tony tried to ignore the archer. Even with their high-tech tools it would take twenty minutes to create enough serum.

“She might lose her abilities. It might make her human.” The doctor’s voice was shaking even more now.

Tony ran this thought through his head but simply nodded. “I will ask her if she consents. Send me the pattern. We need to be prepared. And find a solution for a cure.”

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

He ran, not caring about the bullets that grazed and hit him. As long as he could still walk…

“Barnes!” Someone shouted at him as a blinding light took his sights for a moment. Then the Shield agents appeared, shooting at the HYDRA soldiers behind him.

Yes, at last…

The Winter Soldier heard the shot before he actually felt it. His leg gave out and he crumbled to the ground, trying to protect Natasha during his fall. He hit the tarmac hard, his arms around the woman he loved. He felt her struggle and cough, finally regaining conscious. Her frightened cry made him center himself again. He took a shallow breath before pushing himself up, his hands shaking as he checked for more injuries on her. Yet except some minor bruising Natasha was unharmed.

The shooting stopped and he saw more and more legs gathering around them at the edge of his vision while his mind was only focused on her. Finally he looked up, searching for Clint’s eyes. “Please, save her.”

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

She was awake, but barely made a sound. Everything was so far away. Natasha wanted to scream, in agony, in frustration, but when she felt a cold hand on her she finally found her ground again, opening her eyes. “James,” her voice was hoarse.

“You are safe now. They will take care of you.” He looked at Tony who was about to connect a bag filled with light blue liquid to her IV.

“Hey, Red, before I do this, I have to ask you a question.” He tried to sound reassuring, but failed entirely while his hands started to shake so he put the bag aside for a moment. “We made something to counteract the effects that would kill you, but it also attacks the super soldier serum and your own body. You would survive the birth, but you will have a hard time afterwards and your abilities might get lost in the process.”

“And the baby? Give me the drug and please save the child.” Losing her super human strength? What did it matter? She only wanted to hold her child once, and this was enough for her. The monitor next to her showed her distress, she needed to be calmed down.

“For now everything looks fine and the cure won’t harm the baby much. He can take it for sure. We only need to deliver him quickly, as soon as we get back to my tower. For now... Natasha, are you listening to me?” He saw her drifting off again, her blood pressure dropping. “Shit! Give her another blood transfusion and hang this on as well.” He shoved the bag to one of the doctors. His shaking hands couldn’t do this right now. “Damn, we need to stop the bleeding wherever it is…” There had been no grave wounds visible which meant it was the birth taking its toll on her.

“She has been bleeding for a while now.” Unconsciously the Winter Soldier flexed his hand, the metal still stained with her blood.

“Get me the portable ultrasound.” Tony commanded. The well-trained team of doctors fulfilled every of his wishes within a few seconds. Natasha was now getting the cure, blood and pain meds, the mixture finally giving her enough strength to regain conscious.

“Here, Mister Stark.” A nurse gave him the probe and spread some gel over the belly.

Barnes cringed at the sight of her exposed form. There seemed no time enough for dignity. All laid bare now while another doctor, at least a woman this time, was sitting on a low stool between Natasha’s legs, her entrance filled with metal instruments as she worked at checked. “Something is wrong here. I can’t see the head.”

“What do you see? Feet?” Damn, suddenly he realized that he had prepared himself much less for the delivery itself than Bruce had. If it had to happen now…

“No, Mister Stark.” She pulled the instruments out and looked up at Natasha who had a horrified expression on her face, knowing what would come next, what she would announce as soon as... The doctor took a deep breath before she spoke. “Miss Romanoff, I will need to enter your body to check on something, okay?” The mother merely nodded and tried to relax as she closed her eyes.

Barnes tried not to flinch as he heard her desperate cry before she grounded herself again, only sobbing now, trying to be brave.

“I can feel the shoulder.” The doctor said as she pulled her hand back. “Mister Stark, can you please confirm it with the ultrasound?”

“What does that mean now?” Barnes asked, but wasn’t sure if he wanted to know the answer.

Tony was unmoving for a second before he finally did what he was told to. “It means we will have a hard time to do a natural delivery.”

“Stark, one minute out! Get ready to transfer her.” Clint shouted at them. “Whatever you have to do or need to check you do it the med wing, sterile and with proper equipment.” With his words he also wanted to reassure them that as soon as they reached Bruce it would all go well.

By now Stark had not only confirmed the position of the child, he also found the source of the bleeding. And he knew they wouldn’t have much time. “Can we turn it?” He asked the doctor.

She shook her head. “We could break the child’s neck if we tried and do more damage than good on her. A C-section is our only option now. We’ll prepare a epidural as soon as we got her transferred. That will also give the serum enough time to counteract the deadly symptoms of HYDRA’s.”

Tony nodded and tried to brace himself for what was to come. “She is still bleeding internally. Damn, what caused this?”

“But I have seen the child’s head already.” Barnes muttered finally and wasn’t heard at first, but then he felt several eyes on him.

“What did you do?” Tony asked darkly. He still didn’t trust the Winter Soldier entirely.

“When we made it halfway through the base she was complaining that she felt the child and wanted to push, when I checked on her, it… I didn’t know what else to do. Natasha didn’t actively help but the baby still moved. So I pushed it back.” He had tried to save her and only made it worse…

“You… what?” He tried to stand firm while the Quinjet touched the ground, everything shaking.

“It doesn’t matter how. We have to concentrate on fixing it now.” The doctor stepped in, knowing Tony was about to hit the other man. “Mister Stark, I wouldn’t have acted differently in that moment.” Yet she would have taken better care.

Meanwhile, although weakened, her super soldier powers had started to repair parts of the damage done to Natasha’s body. She was wide awake now and the pain meds doing almost nothing to help her. She was back to where everything had gotten worse about an hour ago. Including the contractions and the need to help the baby out. “So I can’t push now?” She asked weakly.

The doctor reacted to her words while the others prepared her for transfer. “No, my dear, you can’t.”

“But I have to…” Desperation spread across her face and as the pain came again. She tried to fight the instinct but had a hard time.

“Breathe through it. You can do this. Breathe.” She urged her.

Natasha started to wail as the agony reached its peak. “Oh god, I can’t stop it.” She was about to raise up and do as her body told her.

Barnes was above her within a blink. “No, you can’t. Deep breaths,” he ordered her in the way he once did when she was still young.

Her training kicked in and she centered herself again, another deep intake, then she had her body under control once more. “Okay. I’m fine.” She put on a brave face.

Barnes was about to kiss her forehead when someone shoved him away. He merely stood there while the doctors rushed her out.

“Sir, we need to take care of your wounds,” a younger nurse said to him.

It took him a moment to realize someone was talking to him. “No, it’s fine. I heal quickly.” He looked down at the bloody floor he was standing on, his torn clothes in deep red. Well, it would take a while. “I need to be with her now.” He moved after them, and had just enough time to slip into the elevator besides them.

As soon as the door opened again an even greater amount of doctors waited them in the corridor. And also…

“Bucky…” Steve stared at his friend, not sure if he would be allowed to touch him. “How is she?”

“I don’t know… I…” Suddenly so much more was crashing onto him. Guilt of long past and recent mistakes. But he needed to focus, he needed to help her. “I need to be with her.”

“I have orders from Fury. You are not allowed in the delivery room, actually he wants you locked up, but I persuaded him that I would be enough as a guard.” Steve weighed his words carefully.

“I can understand that,” Barnes nodded and sighed. “But I…”

“You can watch. They have a window there and I’ll make sure they won’t close the blinds. Come on.” He took his arm and walked him over.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

“Okay, over here.” Stark demanded from Clint. Together they lifted her onto the bed. “Now, Bruce is going to check on you while I prepare another ultrasound.” He gently pressed her shoulder as reassurance.

“Barnes said…,” Banner waited a moment too long to finish, not trusting the news he had gotten a few seconds ago, “he has pushed the child back inside?”

“Yes. It was all too fast. Argh.” Another contraction hit her, this time it felt far worse. The baby moved inside of her. “I fear, that something - is wrong.” She managed.

“Accidently he turned it as well. The doctor said there was no way she could reverse this.” Tony explained.

“Hmm, that would mean she can’t deliver naturally.” Bruce got into work mode, the gloves on his hands by now as he tested the progress. “I think I can feel something, but… - Tony, the ultrasound!” He knew she already lost conscious a few times, and he knew how hard this was on her body. Yet she had healed, so far. Her still being alive showed that. And oh god, she was tougher than a normal a human, but Bruce knew, she could fight death only for so long, especially since her super soldier serum was slowly shutting down.

“Getting ready.” He turned on the machine and handed the probe to his friend.

A quick glance on the screen was enough to confirm Banner’s fear, but also hope lit his eyes as he turned to the printed picture of the ultrasound Tony had made so far. “The child has turned a little on its own accord. It is not as critical as before. There might be a chance, but the C-section would be a wiser decision I think.” Before he could say any more, the contraction reached its peak. “Oh, wait! Let me try something. I’m sorry, this is going to hurt now.” He gave the probe back to Tony and put one hand on her belly, the other entered her.

Barnes winced as he saw when they were doing to her. He never imagined it would be this cruel. He had thought that as soon as he reached her friends they would take care of her, help her. A tear rolled down his cheek before he could blink it away. “No…”

“Keep your heads up. Bruce knows, what he’s doing.” Steve assured him.

Natasha screamed in pain, her instincts telling her to break free from the people now holding her down. “Oh, god, stop!” Then something shifted inside of her. The pressure nearly tore her apart before it was suddenly gone, no, not gone, just… better. An exhausted sigh left her lips as the contraction passed.

“Done!” Bruce announced happily and checked the position with the probe once more. “It is coming head first again. She will make it.”

“How did you do it? I thought the doctor said it was not possible.”

“Both mother and child are enhanced. The baby’s spine is much stronger than usual and Natasha’s contractions are much more effective. It only needed a little bit of help.” Bruce tried to calm his racing heart. This had been a gamble, but he had won.

“So I can finally push now?” Natasha wanted to know, trying to sound brave.

“As fast as possible,” Stark said with furrowed brows as he checked his instruments, snatching the probe from Bruce. “The baby’s vitals are dropping.”

“Tony!” Banner’s voice was filled with shock and horror. He lifted his hands as he looked up to his friend, his gloves smeared with blood. Had he done something wrong? Maybe his decision had been too drastic.

A quick look on the screen showed him why. “We have a premature placental separation. We got to get the baby out now. Oh my god…” He saw the fetal monitor flat-lining.

“We only have a few minutes until there’ll be brain damage.” Bruce was returning to his analytic self, knowing this would serve best. “She’s dilated and I can already see the head. The contractions are two minutes apart, so we need to make it during one.”

“Is that even possible?” He eyed the exhausted assassin. She could barely stay awake.

“If we help her by pushing her legs towards her belly she might tear, but…”

“That won’t work. Ah, damn it. Because of the quick pregnancy her womb tissue is too thin. It would tear as well. We’ll need to do the C-section.” They were arguing, loosing precious seconds. “Cut her open, right now!”

“We don’t have enough time for a epidural.” Bruce announced while he looked at the equipment helplessly.

“Please, save him!” Natasha cried at them. “Do what you have to do. I can stand it!”

“We already have a lot to patch up. But we need to go in there anyway to stitch her together. Yet… She can’t be awake while we…” Bruce shivered while he tried to fight his other side down. This was not a moment for the Hulk, certainly not, while Natasha needed all medical care he could give her.

“If fates are kind, I might black out,” she said with hoarse voice and dry humor before laying back and closing her eyes.

“Nat…” Barton took another step towards her.

“Clint, please, be with them. James won’t be able to handle Alexei on his own.” The tears ran down her cheeks, while she heard surgical equipment rattle as Banner and Stark got ready in a hurry.

“Alexei?” The archer asked with a broken voice and looked at Barnes behind the glass.

“Natasha, are you sure about this?” Bruce asked her again, the scalpel in his hand.

She nodded while trying to breathe through the contraction.

Meanwhile Clint’s eyes hadn’t left the Winter Soldier outside. His expression, so terrified and guilty while he tried to keep his hopes up. It was that look that made the archer believe his words. He loved her. With a nod and a gesture towards Natasha he allowed Barnes to enter.

The assassin had reached Natasha’s bed before anyone even registered his entrance. He took her hand with the most gentle care and whispered a kiss against her skin that made her eyes open. “Natalia…”

By now the others noticed his arrival but didn’t object, knowing it would help her. With shaking hands Bruce got ready to cut, but stopped when he realized he couldn’t steady himself. Then another hand joined his, cold and hard.

“I trust you,” the Winter Soldier said calmly. “And so does Natasha.”

After another deep breath Bruce cut her skin open and tried to blink away the tears as listened to the helpless cry of the mother. The only thing the doctor could hear was Natasha’s sobbing. It took him the ability to take the next step.

“Check the incision. Is it deep enough?” Or too deep? Tony asked. He had read on upon it, but nothing had prepared either of them for this.

Bruce’s hand carefully entered her body, checking the cut. “Yeah, I think, I can…” Only a blink after that her heart rate started to drop.

“It’s so cold…” She gasped. “Like the times we trained in the snow.”

The Winter Soldier remembered that all too well. “And you were so strong. You got up every time I threw you down, although your body was shaking and your lips were so blue. You’ve grown so strong, Natalia. You have endured so much suffering and still you are fighting. And you will overcome this, I promise you. I trained you. I know you can!” He almost shouted at her, eyes fixed on her face contorted in pain while he heard the monitors going haywire. “I’m here. I’ll take care of you, I promise.”

Bruce tried to get a proper hold of the baby and finally succeeded. He pulled it out of her and waited for the nurse to cut the cord.

Everyone in the room stopped for a short moment while they waited for Natasha’s body to respond. She sobbed. “Oh, please, is he okay?”

“The cure worked,” Tony sighed in relief. “Okay, give her the other drug. We need to get her own serum working again.” He ordered the nurses. Luckily Banner had been able to come up with something reversing the effects. “Now let’s take care of that little boy here.” He knew Bruce would not be able to go another step towards panic, the Hulk too close. So he snatched the still baby from his arms and put him on the table beside the bed. With quick hands he cleaned the baby’s airways while another doctor attached some wires onto the child’s breast. Before doing anything too drastic, the engineer first ventilated five times and hoped for the best, yet the baby lay motionless on the blanket. “Alright, you don’t want to make this easy, do you?” A sidelong glance to the monitors now attached showed him there was still no activity whatsoever. So he started with careful pushes against the baby’s rips. “Did you find get an IV on him already?”

“Not yet,” the nurse said in frustration. “I would advise intraosseous.”

“Do it,” he almost groaned in desperation. They had taken too long to deliver… “Let’s try to also cool him down. Hypothermia. That’ll keep the brain damage at a minimum.”

“We won’t have enough time.” The nurse said.

“Let’s try.”

Meanwhile Natasha watched Tony’s attempts with hooded eyes as Banner and another doctor tried to patch her up again. She had lost a lot of blood and her wounds were still bleeding, more and more cloths were being pushed into her body while they pulled the soaked ones out again. But all that was so far away. She didn’t care anymore. With a sob and tears in her eyes she looked up to Barnes. His face contorted in distress and fear. “He’ll do it, right?”

The Winter Soldier swallowed and nodded. “He is a strong one.”

“I only wanted to hold him. Now I made it, but at the cost of my child’s life?” She started to cry.

“You will hold him in your arms and you will kiss those beautiful black locks of his.” He had seen them, sticky with blood and fluid, but they were his.

“I knew he would look like you.” She said with a weary smile. “Oh, he will be so handsome, won’t he?” It was getting harder to breathe.

“We should really put her under,” the doctor pointed out. “A epidural will be too difficult in this situation, but now that they child won’t be hurt by the sedative…”

“No, don’t!” Natasha said the words before she even registered hearing the advise. “I don’t want to leave him alone.”

“Miss Romanoff, you are suffering.” He looked at her opened belly and wondered if it was shock that made her so calm.

“No, the serum is already restarting. I have a very high pain tolerance. And I don’t want to miss his first cry.” She moaned as the doctor pulled the stitches together.

“Damn, I can’t work with this tissue. It’s far too brittle.” He saw the wound opening again, blood gushing out once more. “Suction.”

Bruce knew that, although it seemed absurd, it was important to keep her awake now. Her healing abilities would soon kick in and help them along the way. He needed to keep her talking. “What will you name him?”

Barnes froze for a second. He didn’t know if it was because of the fear that he would name a dead child, or that he hadn’t even thought about this yet. His eyes searched Natasha’s.

“I want to name him Alexei. Alexei James Barnes.” Her head rolled to the side.

The Winter Soldier knew what this meant, her body relaxing. “That’s a wonderful name. Thank you for him. Truly. I know this all started the weirdest way, but… It is just wonderful.” He chuckled helplessly. In only a few minutes he might have lost both of them, and never forgive himself. “Tell me, what a mother would you like to be? I can imagine he will turn out great being raised by you. Strong, graceful and protecting.”

“I will sing to him at night.” She said, her eyes growing hazy. “The memory of a lullaby… I can’t tell from where I know it.” It pained her suck in air. “But I imagined myself these past days with him in my arms, fed, changed and content, but still awake, so I would sing to him. And he would look up at me with his blue eyes. So curious, and knowing nothing about what I have done in my past. He is so innocent…” Her eyes closed.

“Tell me more. Tell me about the song.” He looked at Bruce who was adding another blood bag as they worked. The Winter Soldier didn’t even dare to look at Tony and his son. It had taken too long already. Whatever they were doing it was already too late…

She reached for her last reservoirs. “It’s a Russian song.”

“Sing it to me.” He urged her even further, gently caressing her cheek.

Clint had stayed silent so far. Didn’t want to disturb or distract them. But when he heard Natasha’s voice, even he started to cry. She had a beautiful voice, hoarse, but strong, engulfing. It embraced everyone in the room. Only he and Barnes were able to understand what she was singing but…

“Спи, младенец мой прекрасный,  
Баюшки-баю.  
Тихо смотрит месяц ясный  
В колыбель твою.  
Стану сказывать я сказки,  
Песенку спою;  
Ты ж дремли, закрывши глазки,  
Баюшки-баю.

Сам узнаешь, будет время,  
Бранное житье;  
Смело вденешь ногу в стремя  
И возьмешь ружье.  
Я седельце боевое  
Шелком разошью...  
Спи, дитя мое родное,  
Баюшки-баю.

Богатырь ты будешь с виду  
И казак душой.  
Провожать тебя я выйду —  
Ты махнешь рукой...  
Сколько горьких слез украдкой  
Я в ту ночь пролью!..  
Спи, мой ангел, тихо, сладко,  
Баюшки-баю. “*

Barnes translated in his mind.  
_‘Sleep, my beautiful good boy,_  
 _Bayushki bayu,_  
 _Quietly the moon is looking_  
 _Into your cradle._  
 _I will tell you fairy tales_  
 _And sing you little songs,_  
 _But you must slumber, with your little eyes closed,_  
 _Bayushki bayu._

_The time will come when you will learn_   
_The soldier's way of life,_   
_Boldly you'll place your foot into the stirrup_   
_And take the gun._   
_The saddle-cloth for your battle horse_   
_I will sew for you from silk._   
_Sleep now, my dear little child,_   
_Bayushki bayu._

_You will look like a hero_   
_And be a Cossack deep in your heart._   
_I will accompany you and watch you go,_   
_You will just wave your hand._   
_How many secret bitter tears_   
_Will I shed that night!_   
_Sleep, my angel, calmly, sweetly,_   
_Bayushki bayu.‘_

Clint felt the tears in his eyes at her words. No, damn it, they had to live, both of them. The three had earned this. A happy, wonderful life together. It was absurd, even impossible considering the parents, but…

Tony muttered something under his breath, frustration growing. They finally were able to get the meds into the child, but it seemed not to help. The disturbing noise of a small amount of electroshock was heard now. They were doing everything they can, but it wasn’t enough.

“Стану я тоской томиться,  
Безутешно ждать;  
Стану целый день молиться,  
По ночам гадать;  
Стану думать, что скучаешь  
Ты в чужом краю...  
Спи ж, пока забот не знаешь,  
Баюшки-баю.

Дам тебе я на дорогу  
Образок святой:  
Ты его, моляся богу,  
Ставь перед собой;  
Да, готовясь в бой опасный,  
Помни мать свою...  
Спи, младенец мой прекрасный,  
Баюшки-баю”

_‘I will die from yearning,_   
_Inconsolably waiting,_   
_I'll pray the whole day long,_   
_And at night I'll wonder,_   
_I'll think that you're in trouble_   
_Far away in a strange land._   
_Sleep now, as long as you know no sorrows,_   
_Bayushki bayu._

_On the road, I'll give you_   
_A small holy icon,_   
_And when you pray to God, you'll_   
_Put it right in front of you,_   
_While preparing for the dangerous battle_   
_Please remember your mother._   
_Sleep, good boy, my beautiful,_   
_Bayushki bayu.’_

The moment the last note rang out the sound of the flat-lining monitor attached to her took its place, followed by a keening and desperate wail of a newborn.

Bruce growled angrily. “Damn, her serum isn’t restarting as fast as I would have thought. There is too much damage… I…”

Barnes grew frantic. No, NO! This couldn’t be happening.

Tony sighed in relief. He had been so concentrated on the baby that he couldn’t understand their shocked faces when he turned around to the others.

Only a few feet away the keening cry was getting louder, as if he knew what was happening. The child, awake, breathing and crying. While his lungs grew stronger and the wailing more forceful, Barnes dropped to his knees. At last he felt his wounds, the bullets that had hit him, and the blood he had lost. The world started to spin before his eyes and he couldn’t hold Natasha’s hand anymore. It was just as limp as his body.

All this struggle to keep his family alive… It didn’t make a difference.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just used the first lullaby I could find and went with it. (from Mikhaïl Iourievitch Lermontov (Михаил Юрьевич Лермонтов) 1814-1841) And then, when I fit it into the lines I made I realized: Holy, it fits perfectly. I cried myself. And then, when I did the last lines (I never do them before I have all the rest done), I couldn’t stop myself from crying. It hit me harder than I thought. 13 pages including the song. I never thought i’d make it this long. I mean I did my fare share of 40+ pages for one delivery in Bearing the Trickster’s Heirs, but damn. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, and it hurts so much. But I am also so glad and happy it turned out like this. Please review ^^ Pour your heart out.  
> This is how you pronounce the song:  
> Spi mladyenets, moi prekrasný,  
> bayushki bayu,  
> tikho smotrit myesyats yasný  
> f kolýbyel tvayu.  
> Stanu skazývat' ya skazki,  
> pyesenki spayu,  
> tý-zh dremli, zakrývshi glazki,  
> bayushki bayu.
> 
> Sim uznayesh, budit vremya,  
> branoye zhityo,  
> smyelo vdyenish nogu f stremya  
> i vazmyosh ruzhyo.  
> Ya sedeltse boyevoye  
> sholkom razoshyu.  
> Spi, ditya mayo radnoye,  
> bayushki bayu.
> 
> Bogatýr tý budish s vidu  
> i kazak dushoi.  
> Pravazhat' tibya ya výdu,  
> tý makhnyosh rukoi.  
> Skolko gorkikh slyoz ukradkoi  
> ya f tu notsh pralyu!  
> Spi, moi angel, tikho, sladko,  
> bayushki bayu.
> 
> Stanu ya toskoi tomit'sya,  
> byesutyeshno zhdat',  
> stanu tselý dyen' molit'sya,  
> po notsham gadat'.  
> Stanu dumat', shto skutshayesh  
> tý f tshuzhom krayu.  
> Spi-zh, paka zabot nye znayesh,  
> bayushki bayu.
> 
> Dam tibye ya na darogu  
> obrazok svyatoi,  
> tý yevo, molyasya bogu,  
> stav pyered saboi.  
> Da, gotovyas v boi apasný,  
> pomni mat' svayu.  
> Spi, mladyenets, moi prekrasný,  
> bayushki bayu
> 
> Please review ^^


	12. Redemption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Black Widow and the Winter Soldier are parents at last, and their son is a handful. These are there first moments on a long way of redemption and love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait. I thought I could get more done during the holidays but there’s still the bachelor I need to do this semester

Barnes awoke to the sound of a cooing infant. His son, he remembered and felt the tears starting to form beneath his eyelids, forcing their way out to his cheeks. Natasha… Oh no, she died… It had all been in vain. The baby suddenly changed his mood, starting to cry. The Winter Soldier tried to lift himself, wanting to take care of his son.

"Oh hush now. What is wrong my handsome boy?" Natasha's soft voice sounded, the rustle of fabric. Quickly the child quieted down. "Yes, that's much better. Oh my, your hand, you are so strong, such a strong man, just like your father." She kissed the top of his head while moving her finger up and down with the little palm that held it in a firm grip.

Barnes groaned as he willed his body to move. This must be a fantasy, it couldn't be true. Yet he needed to be sure, to see, what wasn't there, or what was. As he finally turned his head to the side the most beautiful image formed before him.

Natasha had the baby at her breast, her face serene and kind while she cradled the newborn in her arm. They were perfect, so wonderful. She would be a great mother, she already was.

As Natasha saw a movement beside her, she looked up from the baby and straight at him, her smile growing wider, her eyes shining with pride. "Look, your daddy has woken up." She whispered at her child while her gaze was fixed on James. She covered herself after sensing that the baby was now sated.

"You're alive?" He choked out on the verge of crying. This was actually real? It felt like it, the pain of the battle still present as his wounds healed.

She chuckled. "Yes, they got my system to restart eventually, as well as my serum. It was close, but I made it."

"She's even better than that now." Tony said leaning against the doorway before he entered. "HYDRA has used the stuff you injected in her not only to make her fertile again. It finished what they couldn't do all those decades ago. Like completing a puzzle. It was required because reaching the end of the pregnancy would have taken great toll on her. And since it was in her DNA it also passed on to the child. Catching two birds with one stone for them, although they never thought she would survive. You might be able to rival Cap in strength properly now, Natasha, and as soon as the boy grows up, Steve will be outdated."

"Does that mean I can retire soon?" The man in question asked. "Hey, Bucky, glad you woke up at last."

"So it all went well?" Barnes wanted to know, wanted to be sure that all this wasn't just a dream.

Steve touched his shoulder, sensing his doubts. "Yes, thank you for your help."

Tony bristled. "Yeah, well, at least you have gotten some conscience halfway through the whole thing. If Natasha and the boy had stayed at HYDRA, who knows what they could have made with the army they wanted to breed." He shuddered.

The Winter Soldier's eyes grew distant for a moment as if he remembered, frowning after he put the pieces together. "Natasha isn't the only one. I mean, I only… indulged once when I got the order," and the thread of a punishment, "the babies died shortly after conception but they could…"

"No," Bruce answered the moment he entered, carrying a box with medical supplies in his hands. "For as long as Natasha is with us, they are unable to do it again. She is the only one who can carry a child like that to term. We hijacked their files. They couldn't find a solution for the miscarriages and they never will."

"Also I gave them a little parting gift. After we wiped out whatever we could find, I managed to sneak in a virus. Only few people in HYDRA knew about these experiments with Natasha, you and the other women. They were keeping it a secret so we would find out too late even if we captured one of their bases. My virus deletes whatever is left of their research. It will take them decades to reach the old state again." Tony looked at the little boy with a grin. "He is one of a kind. A good one, and also one of us."

At these words Barnes felt relief, and also bitterness. He could never be one of them, could he? Did that mean they would lock him up now after he had healed sufficiently? At least he had saved his family. That was all that counted, his redemption. He only wished he could spend more time with them.

"What do you think? Avengers becoming a proper family business?" Tony joked sensing Barnes' feelings. "Don't worry. Fury has…"

"I would like to deliver news myself, Stark, thank you." The director walked into the room, hands in his coat and his face blank.

Barnes swallowed dryly while Natasha stiffened next to him, cradling her child closer.

Fury's eyes softened and a fatherly smile spread across his lips. "I made a few calls and pulled in some favors. You will have to prove yourself first of course, but right now I could convince them that you're more useful on our side, fighting, than locked up in a cell. And since the good doctor Banner here has found a way to wipe out the mind control HYDRA has put on you…"

"We had some recent encounter concerning that matter and our plan seemed to work on you as well." Banner added with a smile. "After a few sessions you will be able to shield your mind from whatever HYDRA can come up with. Erase trigger words and such. You would be shielded from the wiping - a free man."

"But with a lot of good things to do, to make up for all the bad actions." Fury interrupted Bruce's speech. "Like I said, first prove yourself worthy of our trust."

Barnes swallowed. That was more than he had ever imagined. A chance. Yet… Trading in HYDRA for Shield? Was there really so much difference? He would just be a gun again. No, the new fist of Shield? Somehow he chuckled at that thought. "I am grateful for this chance," he said, voice hoarse. "But I also…" He looked at Natasha, her face filled with relief and hope.

"Of course, family comes first. Natasha needs to rest and both of you need to get used to being parents first of all. You will be under confinement for the next few weeks until Natasha has recovered. Minor missions then first. I'll make sure your family is well cared for." He nodded at Natasha. "And now let me have a look at that little boy there."

Barnes tensed as the director moved closer but relaxed quickly when he saw how open Natasha was behaving when he leaned over the child.

"Well, he certainly is handsome." A rare smile passed his lips. "Good work, Romanoff."

Natasha chuckled. "Thank you, Sir." She blushed and averted her eyes before her training took over, wanting to know if Nick had been sincere. Her mouth opened in disbelief as she studied his expression. Then she caught herself again quickly. "I wondered if you might want to be the godfather." She glanced at James for a second, also asking for his approval, earning a dumbfounded nod.

Fury actually grinned. "I would be honored." He lifted his hand in front of the baby's face. The little one started to squeal in delight, trying to get a hold on one of his fingers, finally succeeding. "Oh, the boy is force to be reckoned with." He felt the blood supply to his last digit being cut off and laughed. "I will give you any help you might ever need." With gentle fingers he started to tickle the child, making him coo again, before he stepped away. "Yet, I am sure you will be a great mother to him. You always adapt to whatever is required. And surely you will do a perfect job here."

Barnes swallowed, his eyes burning with tears. Oh, she would live up to the challenge and ace it.

With a wave of his hand Fury turned to leave. "Well then, I've got work to do. I'll check on you whenever I have a free minute." Before he exited Fury looked at Barnes one last time. "Don't disappoint me."

 _I won't_ , Barnes mouthed before nodding his head in good-bye, earning an honest smile from Fury.

Hawkeye entered the room right after Nick left. "I never thought you would be a mother, Tasha." Clint said while he marveled at the young boy looking around curiously.

"Neither did I, but I am glad, I have him." For a moment she just looked at her newborn son, taking in whatever he gave her, the curious and wake eyes, his movements that showed he liked to be held by her. This beautiful wonder she had given birth to. Natasha couldn't imagine not having him anymore. A reason to live, to fight for the good side. To protect. And she would raise him exactly this way.

Clint turned his focus on Barnes, his grin leaving him. "I'm just glad all worked out as it did. If the Winter Soldier hadn't finally realized that it was wrong keeping you there…" He saw the pain in Barnes' eyes as he said those words, reading him and knowing that being a father would now change him too. So he let go of his grudge, finally having hope for the broken man again as well. "And luckily Stark and Banner were able to finish the anti-serum. Although…" He remembered how she had suffered. He also thought about Laura. Even if it had been different, more difficult, here, delivery was still a bitch. "I know a birth is something a mother would gladly skip when having a baby… but…"

Natasha grimaced and leaned back. "Believe me, no bullet or knife can hurt like this." The meds were now helping her a little and most of the tissue had healed already, her body getting back in shape, but the memory was still present.

"That's why women are superior," he told her, betraying the joke with his smile. "Men wouldn't be able to do that."

Natasha eyed him with furrowed brows. "Grow a womb and then we'll talk again." She scoffed and joined the others as they started to laugh.

A female voice was amongst them. Pepper stepped inside, her high shoes sounding on the floor. "Hey, new mom, I have a few presents for you. They'll help you during the first weeks." She came closer and placed a box on the bed Natasha was lying on. Knowing the young mother was still healing, she opened it herself and pulled out piece after piece. "Okay, so this is some clothing for whatever weather or occasion. I also thought about his quick growth, so I bought onesies in different sizes, shoes, soft towels, bibs. Er, diapers, yes, we have more stored, you only need to ask. I know you already have some bottles and stuff for later, but here's an extra stack." The bed was soon filled with items. "Tony came up with some toys yesterday and I made the production team create prototypes. Here are the ones for a very young baby. He made some tweaks for when the boy gets older, to challenge him," she said, looking at her lover with a smile. "I'll get them produced during the next days. And because I wasn't sure how long you would feed him, since he'll grow so fast, I have made a list of what you might need as well. Just say the word and I'll collect it for you." She looked at the starter-kit with a wide grin. "Yeah, and this one." She handed Natasha a stuffed spider with an apologizing smile. "Tony decided upon the animal and I decorated the room, so at least that should be alright."

"Room?" The Black Widow asked as she got the plushy handed to her free arm. Quickly she saw the key dangling from it.

"Yeah, sorry, it is more of a ceremonial thing. Of course Jarvis will let you in into the baby's room whenever you like, and whoever. In there is the rest of what a mother might need." A smile spread across her lips. "And it has an adjoining room next to it, for you and Barnes, as soon as you are past medical observation and only on bed-rest. We prepared a floor for you here. And whenever you need babysitting, I can make some time." She eyed the men in the room with a mock-horrified face. "I wouldn't trust them." A chuckle left her lips before she looked at Natasha again whose mouth was open in utter surprise. "Oh, no worries. I like doing it, and it will be the best choice, if you ask me. Our weird family holds together, protects each other, and we welcome the new addition." She saw everyone nod.

"Oh my god, I don't know what to say." She was crushed by all the love shown towards her.

"Don't say anything, a smile from that little boy is all I need. So, let me have a look." She leaned closer, seeing that as soon as she got in reach the baby looked at her curiously, then cooing and spreading out his tiny hands. "Oh yes, he knows I am the good aunty. A very smart little man for sure." She picked up a rattle and held it towards the baby who grabbed it eagerly.

Soon the room was filled with a delighted cooing and the sound of rattle used to the breaking point by the unusually strong hands.

After a few more talks most of them had excused themselves, tending to their business. Banner finally found some privacy to check up upon the family, grinning when he saw they were all in proper health, although still recovering. "All is perfect for the circumstances. Anything you might need?"

"I would really like to revel in a bath…" Natasha muttered, entirely exhausted.

Bruce looked to the side for a moment, thinking. "Your wounds have closed so far, even with strain nothing should be harmed since your serum has kicked in slowly but hard. I would actually say it'll only be four more days and you'll be as good as new, with only little scaring that should fade during the next weeks. You will feel tired and worn out for a while but that's totally normal." He looked at Pepper who had taken care of the baby while Banner had worked. The child was now sleeping in her arms. "Would you mind helping her?"

"Oh, not at all. I think a break from all this maleness can only do you good." She looked at Barnes. "If I might kidnap her for an hour."

The man in question looked dumbfounded again. "Of course. Whatever she desires or needs." He had still rarely said a word, only accepting all the gracious gifts given to his family, and him especially. He could have never wished for more. All this felt more like a dream in contrast to the harsh reality he had felt at HYDRA where there had only been war and death. "Could you maybe ask Steve, if he has a minute? I need to make some apologies."

Pepper's smile was kind. "Of course. We'll give you old buddies time to talk. But no worries. The Captain is a very forgiving man and he can help you get on your feet again. Don't feel embarrassed to ask. He seriously likes helping, a lot. That's kind of his addiction." She chuckled before walking towards him with the baby in her arms.

Sensing her idea he shied away as much as he could. "I'm not sure if I can…"

Banner laughed at these words. "No new father thinks that way, but you can. It's a learning process. I'll stick around while the girls take their time." He folded his arms in the way a baby should be held. "Like this. It's not difficult."

Barnes forced his hands not to shiver as he got the baby handed to him. Alexei woke up during the process, his face contorting in anger, before he realized who was holding him, or so it seemed, directly going back to sleep in the safety of his father's arms. "Oh my god… He is…" It had happened so fast. This was the first moment he held his child and it felt so… right, so perfect. Barnes didn't even see his metal arm anymore, and the child didn't seem to care about all that entailed either. He gently pulled the blanket over his son's body to keep him warm as the child grabbed his cold fingers and started to suck on the tip as if it was some pacifier. Barnes was overwhelmed for a moment. Alexei didn't see him as the assassin he was, didn't see what he had done, only knew what he could give him now. And that was enough for the boy, because he fell back into a half-slumber, still sucking from time to time, but calm, content.

"I knew you could do it," Natasha said next to him. She was now standing, although heavily leaning on Pepper. "Don't mess him up during the time I'm gone, okay?"

Barnes didn't know how to answer and watched her leaving with a grin on her face. She had orchestrated this. She had known that he would have to bond properly, and this was the perfect way of doing so, in tiny, but still huge steps.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

"You think he'll do alright?" Natasha asked, while Pepper helping her into the tub. Her training had told her to check for the injuries inflicted upon her. The Black Widow's knowing eyes had calculated them and rendered them minor. Bruce had been right. The skin had healed, her body almost back in shape. Only soreness and angry red lines on her skin from where she had been cut or hurt. A thought made her grin. She could finish a mission in two days' time without any problems, but that would ruin the time with her baby. So she would play exhausted and fragile for a few more days to have enough time alone with her family. Selfish, maybe, but for a purpose, and for the good. She had earned this. The baby would become a handful soon enough.

"Of course, and he still has Bruce on his side. Luck and knowledge combined. I think it'll do Barnes some good." After helping her in she snatched everything Natasha might need.

"I think so too, but I still fear, what if Alexei cries, or needs feeding, or a diaper change."

"Except for the feeding with mother's milk I think the boys will do it perfectly." She thought for a second. "And if you need some private time, I also have some pumps. I didn't want to unpack them in front of the boys, but…"

"He won't be a breast-feeding baby for long, so I should enjoy my time doing so. But thanks anyway." Natasha told her while she relaxed in the tub. God, this felt good.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Meanwhile in the other room, Barnes had gotten settled with the baby rather perfectly. He still marveled at how quickly the child had grown used to him, accepting him. Well, he was his son after all.

A few minutes ago Steve had joined them, sitting beside the bed, staying quiet, just looking and grinning. A few moments later Bruce excused himself to fetch some stuff, whatever it was. The three man knew it was just some pretense to give them space, and neither of them objected. It was so calm, and peaceful, and so right.

"So, who would have thought that the charmer Barnes would actually be a father one day," Steve said after a few minutes marveling at the small boy.

He felt the need to answer honestly. "It was a mission at first. I only followed the orders given to me, but when I saw her stomach growing, there was this... connection that allowed me to keep track of my own thoughts long enough to break free from their control." He still felt this longing, this need to protect, this love he felt for something he hadn't even seen, and for the woman who could give it to him.

"What will you do now?" Steve had started playing with some of the toys the Starks had given the boy.

Barnes swallowed. "I hope I will be a good father to him. Even though his genes are extraordinary, I want to give him an unburdened childhood." He held him tighter and felt the baby only snuggling closer to him, accepting, and loving.

"You already are a good father." Steve nodded as he watched him. "He will be a wonderful young man if he is anything like his parents."

"Thank you." Barnes didn't know what else to say.

"Why didn't you step in when Natasha asked Fury to be the godfather?" Steve said with mock-jealousy.

Barnes gulped, not sure of how to respond. "I… I didn't think I had that much of a say in this."

Steve laughed at his shocked expression. "Oh, don't worry. I am not jealous at all. It was just a joke. Yet… Whenever you might have a girl, I would like to be the one to try and keep her honors in place."

Now Barnes actually forgot how to breathe. "That was also a joke, right?" As if Natasha would let him… after all that had happened, after all she went through.

"She is a mother now and she loves her child. When the time is right, she won't deny you, trust me." He put a hand on Bucky's shoulder, also making the physical connection.

Barnes finally regained his composure. "Oh come on. You don't think she would really…?" He lost his voice as he saw Steve's grin. "Seriously, you have no idea about such things."

"I don't have any experience, but I am sure I got a whole lot of luck predicting these things. We don't know if HYDRA's drug will last, or for how long. So, I just want you open for whatever Natasha might ask of you."

Barnes cringed, the child felt it too, but he was able to calm him down quickly enough. "After all that happened to her..." He watched the unchanging expression on Steve's face. "I will be open for whatever she wants, but I will not force anything."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, I have such fluffy feels for this. Sorry if I overdid it, but damn, I needed that. Between my bachelor and seriously weird life, I need this. This perfection.
> 
> If you want, I will continue this story with even more fluffy moments, and also the kids amazing abilities (I might need some input from you here).
> 
> Of course they should have more babies, with much less trouble of course. And all of them would just be amazing, astonishing junior Avengers, be it hacking skills on computers, or hacking some bodies apart.
> 
> Tell me, if you want that, and I’ll make you you get it ^^
> 
> EDITED: I have already around 30 pages for the sequel, so stay posted ^^ In that Bucky will have to work on his past and everything he did to Natasha since they first met in the Red Room.
> 
> (And Steve still need the Barnes’ baby girl he takes of ^^)
> 
> Please review ^^
> 
> edit: The pic I added is for my new hair color. Winter is coming (into my Cosplay closet). Stay posted on tumblr, fb,... ^^


	13. Stark’s idea of a nursery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha tries to help James finding the right path while also taking care of their child. Barnes is very careful, unsure every step of the way. He wants to do the right thing. But soon a dark time will come, of memories that should have better stayed buried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You’ve asked for a sequel and you’ll get one. I’ll not only give Steve the chance to be the girl’s (yes they will have more kids than Alexei) protector, but also fill the holes I have left for Bucky and how he gets back on his feet which will be a hard and painful progress. And I’m gonna settle this whole thing about Black Widow and him and what he did to her leaving its traces. Yet, I am still sure that Natasha would not be in rage about how he handled and used her, not entirely. Going by her history, she would be cautious, but still holding out an arm not to hit but to keep him steady.  
> And of course a lot of sweet baby moments and funny things as soon as the boy grows, and he will be amazing, yet will scare his parents as soon as HYDRA finally gets their hands on him again.
> 
> edit: Thank you, Dectie for correcting my Russian and also helping me in the future chapters ^^

During the next four days, James had stayed mostly silent. He enjoyed watching Natalia with their son, he didn’t want to miss any moment. She had completely managed the change into a mother, but it wasn’t only that. It was not rewriting her character. She was still the Black Widow, still strong and deadly and magnificent. Becoming a mother was an addition to her personality and she integrated the pieces into the puzzle of her life rather extraordinarily. It made her even more desirable.

Barnes tried to swallow as he realized how much he still wanted her. Of course, nothing had changed in that matter. The longer he was around her, the more he found that he never wanted to let her go...

Barnes tried to swallow as he realized how much he still wanted her.

But would she still want him? Or was she just kind towards him because he was the father of her child or because she owed him her life in the end, although he was the reason she had almost lost it in the first place? And an even more pressing thought was: Could he be the right man for her? With all he had put her through, why would she still trust him?

Since the moment he had woken up, he still thought all this was just a dream. It was so surreal. She was so kind towards a soul that was so battered and bruised.

Natasha was standing at the window seemingly showing her child the world outside the Tower, quietly talking to him, but there was more. She could see his reflection in the glass and the emotions that played over his face. Reading him was never really easy, but it was clear when he thought she wasn’t watching and now seemed to be a good time to pull him out of his brooding. “You should stop frowning or the wrinkles between your eyebrows will be permanent.” She joked and turned around.

James almost jumped at her words. Damn, she was… perfect. He breathed in deeply before pushing himself off of the sheets. “So you noticed,” he chuckled and rubbed his face.

“You trained me, of course I did.” She moved over to him slowly, sitting down next to him on the bed.

James watched her steps carefully, trying to suppress the urge to shy away. He already felt as if he tainted her by only being in the building. Judging by how easily her body moved she was fully healed by now, able to leave these rooms. She stayed because of him, because he was still wounded and healing more slowly than her.

“Bruce told me this morning that when you feel strong enough, we can move to our quarters.” She held the child closer as the baby started to cry. “Oh, my little one. That’s nothing to be afraid of, Alexei. You will love your new rooms for sure, hm. Hush, my dear.”

James felt the need to aid her, but he didn’t know how, furthermore he was sure that his distress was somehow affecting the baby.

Natasha almost wanted to laugh. The Winter Soldier was so clueless when it came to this tiny baby here. She knew exactly what was causing the boy to demand attention. “Could you hold him for a moment, please? I’m gonna prepare his bottle.” She stretched out her arms to hand him over.

Barnes was too surprised to deny and suddenly the boy was in his arms. Finally he regained control over his tongue. “Isn’t it... ? Don’t you normally… feed him yourself?”

Natasha laughed as she heated up the water to mix it with the formula. “Oh, I would, but right now,” she pointed at her chest, “the bar is almost empty. The more he grows the more he needs and I can’t keep up with his cravings all the time. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind his daddy feeding him this once.”

Barnes cringed visibly and felt the boy doing almost the same. He started to cry even louder, sensing his father’s fear. “I’m not sure if I can…”

Natasha almost included a reference to his time before HYDRA, but stopped herself. “You did it before, and perfectly well. Don’t be ridiculous and make yourself smaller than you are.” She filled the bottle and checked the temperature, nodding before she came back to him.

“But don’t you…?” He knew he was being stupid.

Natasha laughed again and shook her head. “Just try to think of it as a mission. Nutrition is needed and now you have to deliver that effectively. Meaning…” She gave him the bottle and guided his hand. “The boy needs to stop fussing and start eating. Position the nipple at the right angle, don’t force anything. Let him recognize it as food source first. When he understands, only help him reach it easier. He will show you himself.”

While Natasha gave him these instructions he realized two things. Firstly, he now grasped the concept of parenthood like Natasha did, a very important personal mission, and the significance of reaching the goals. And secondly, being a father wasn’t all that difficult, and it gave him happiness. The warm feeling of it, that whatever he could give his son was enough for the boy. That only trying was enough and that the child would take him the last steps, slowly but surely.

“I think you are ready to take even one more step.”

James looked up at her. He hadn’t even realized how much time had passed. The bottle was almost empty and the boy was now slowly nodding off. “What do you mean…?”

She set the little box of toys on the bed. Alexei’s favorite ones. “You will enjoy getting out of that bed and have a nice, hot shower. Pass him over. He’s gonna get fussy again when I can’t burp him before he falls asleep.”

James handed the child over and took a moment to reassemble his thoughts. “Don’t they want some guards to… accompany us?”

“Oh no, that won’t be necessary. You won’t make a run for it,” she told him, chuckling and with so much certainty in her voice that even he now believed it.

Why would he want to run away anyway? Everything he wanted was right here. This was more than only gaining trust. This was about becoming part of the whole family of Avengers.

“Can you take the box? Stark has provided clothes and whatever else we might need in our rooms.” The child had now nodded off on her shoulder with his thumb in his mouth. “Let’s move.”

Her last words were an order and he followed instinctively. His muscles still ached but the wounds had closed so far. James lifted his legs over the edge slowly and testing his own strength before he pushed himself upright. He had fought with injuries much worse than these, so a little walk wouldn’t be too difficult and actually… He longed to be out of here. It reminded him too much about all the missions that had taken their toll on him, missions he hated doing.

As soon as they passed the door Natasha fell back so she was walking alongside with him instead of in front of. The people they passed, scientists, doctors, looked at them curiously but with no fear or bad emotions, merely surprise or a friendly nod.

Something occurred to him as they walked. Natasha was not leading them. This meant much more than only she showing him the way. She saw him as equal and it felt so right to walk with her, as a family. He registered the tears when he felt the liquid on his cheeks. He wanted to hide them, to brush them off, so that no one would see. But the elevator had already reached their floor. The hallway was empty.

“I hope those are tears of joy,” she remarked, reading him again.

 _How does she always do that? Am I so easy to figure out now?_ Well, the last few days he had soaked in whatever happened and needed a lot of his thoughts to analyze the circumstances and how he, or a normal person, would react. He was trying, trying so hard that he didn’t have the ability to keep up the mask anymore.

“I know how that feels like. It takes some time, but you’ll get used to it. Right now everything still overwhelms you, but don’t worry. You’ll get the hang of it and gain control over the muscles of your face again,” she said jokingly. James looked at her, she was teasing but he knew the meaning underneath the words.

She was so beautiful. Those long lashes and the glowing orbs beneath them with so much power, so much love and mischief. Natalia enjoyed putting him through all of this. For a second he felt like a small puppy being dragged around against his will, but that was not true. She was helping him back on his feet and the trust she showed towards him made him take the bigger steps, the ones he didn’t know how to walk. Before he had recovered from the surprise the Winter Soldier had made a couple of miles along the road, guided by her hand. “You’re remarkable.”

She grinned at him and looked to the side, nodding. “I know.”

There it was! A short moment of doubt, overplayed by the confidence she showed to the outside. It was almost funny. They were so similar. Putting all their trust into one another but not able to trust themselves enough. He wanted to kiss her, to show her how amazing she really was and erasing the doubt, but he couldn't. A sharp pain in his chest that had nothing to do with his wounds made his own smile falter.

“Come on. You shouldn’t be on your feet too long.” She turned towards the door. “JARVIS, would you mind?”

“Of course, Miss Romanoff, Mister Barnes. It is good to see you up again.”

Both of them did not to answer when the door opened, they just couldn’t.

“Damn you, Stark,” Natasha chuckled as she walked inside. Extravagance didn’t even start to describe it. Best and most expensive materials in a sleek design with every tech someone could dream of. This room wasn’t as hard as the lounge in the top of the tower. Here the glass and metal was mixed with veneers of rare hardwood, giving the whole space a little bit of warmth. Her new mission, motherhood, lead her to check for anything that might come to harm her child, but Pepper seemed to have thought of that. The sharp edges had little objects attached to them, making them rounder and softer, yet still not entirely breaking the design. As if everything was only created to serve on this specific desk or cabinet. The room itself was already large. Combining front and living room into one zone with closets hidden inside the wall and only visible because of the dark lines the joint gaps painted. Panels everywhere to controls lights and whatever else. Tables for various things, a L-shaped desk which she already saw in Stark’s lab. It was actually a computer with all tech anyone could only dream of, movable glass screens, ports for every possible devices to connect with, all perfectly combined and hidden beneath the hardwood. Closer to the room-high windows there was a lounge area with comfortable seats and a sofa around another glass table, also child-proof. The occupants could either face the windows and look outside or at the room itself and the wall with a big screen that showed a video of what occurred inside the nursery.

Natasha laughed at that. Well, that certainly was a baby monitor. She was eager to explore this room specifically. As she walked she heard James moving along with her, soaking in the surroundings as well.

A glimpse into the nursery showed her that Pepper had at least taken over the reigns here. The room was much more colorful and kind, childish and simply perfect. Aside from all the practical stuff such as bed, changing table and a rocking chair, there was also interesting tech that could assist a new-parent. The walls were painted in three different colours with scenes drawn on them. Two were of mystical or Disney tales, the third made her grin in amusement. It was a picture of all the Avengers, of course rated down to fit the child’s age, but it was impressive nonetheless. The last wall seemed to be a screen of some sort. In one corner there were words written. “Welcome home.” Natasha read out loud as she walked towards it, curious.

James had now put the box onto one of the tables filled with stuffed animals and toys. He saw the panel beside the big screen checking the options on it. There was a simple program running on it. Save and Load options as well as one folder. Then he saw that there was a second panel beneath the one he was looking at, as if it fit for a young child. Natasha giggled beside him, so he turned.

“Yes, that’s how you do it.” She held the baby in both arms in front of her, as he pounded against the surface, making colors and shapes appear. The child squealed in delight. “Oh, you want to be an artist? Very pretty paintings, my boy.”

Curious James touched the surface with one finger. A white dot appeared. He moved finger around, drawing a circle. Then he added another finger and the color changed. With fascination he tried out different movements and soon the space before him was a wild explosion of colors.

“That is so Stark.” Natasha shook her head and laughed. She could feel that the boy, despite his excitement, was way too tired to stay awake any longer. “Okay, my little boy. We’re gonna draw again later, but now somebody needs a nap.” She looked at James. “And you might want to check out the bathroom to get the hot shower I promised. I’ll take care of Alexei.”

“I…” He wanted to help, but didn’t know how.

“Just go,” she said smiling. “I’ll fetch you some clothes from the closet.”

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Barnes stood in front of the bathroom mirror and smiled at his own reflection. Bruce had assured him that they had made good progress figuring out of how to release him of the mind control entirely. The Winter Soldier felt relieved by that. In his more sane moments, right before he had gotten wiped again, he had to fight against this on his own, not knowing what to do exactly. His ‘job’ had always given him some sense of oversight and calmness, necessary during mission to keep the mind focused, so the yoga lessons the doctor mentioned weren’t that new to him. Yet combined with medication and therapy they would at last become the mixture that could free his inner self from the cobwebs HYDRA had trapped him in.

So could he become Barnes again? The young man who likes to flirt with the girls and protects his friend. Would he even of want to? It was a long way ahead of him and what were his chances? Natasha’s love wasn’t something he deserved in his eyes. Not with his dark past looming over him like this, threatening what was left of Bucky the cocky, seductive ladykiller. Deep inside he knew that man wasn’t the same anymore, had seen too much through the Winter Soldier’s actions. James knew that the shrink sessions would demand from him to also go over what had happened, to regain his memory, but he didn’t want to know about it. As stubborn as it sounded. That was the one thing HYDRA had done right. They had made him forget… Because living with this could break a lesser man.

The soldier straightened himself again. Yes, it could, but not him. With steady hands he prepared the tools to shave, all calm and composed he pulled the blade over his skin. Bucky smiled at the tool he was using. Stark had given him everything he might need and he had thought about it a lot. This was not a disposable piece of plastic or a dry shaver. The familiar weight of the straight razor lay in his hand comfortably and almost moved on its own. There were some things that would never change.

When he was done cleaning his face from the rest of the foam, he glimpsed at himself again. Much better, tidier. The wildness was still there but it was not yet tamed.

With unsure fingers he touched his long hair. HYDRA never bothered with that and he had gotten used to it. The messy locks had become a trademark of the Winter Soldier. Should he…?

“О, не смей. [Oh, don’t you dare.]” Natasha said, leaning against the door frame.

Bucky almost jumped at the sound of her voice. Her sneaking skills had definitely gotten better since they last trained together. He returned her smile in the mirror but his eyes darkened an instant later. He couldn’t quite read her. The Black Widow’s mask could fool anyone. Natasha had the right to stab him in the back for what he had done to her, even though under control.

Natasha walked closer, her steps casual and her face kind. She made sure he could see every single one of her movements in the mirror before gently touching his hair, still damp from the shower. “Я люблю это так, как это. [I like it the way it is.]”

Anyone else would have thought this conversation was merely about styling, but it wasn’t. She was asking him to… to what? Stay the Winter Soldier? That sounded absurd. “Natalia, I…”

“Hush, I know...” When the Black Widow was sure he had realized she wasn’t about to hurt him, she moved closer, gently whispering in his ear. “Our child will need Barnes just as much as the Winter Soldier. Right now you are becoming something new and it’s up to you what aspects of your life will become a part of that. I made this decision myself a long time ago.”

He swallowed, not sure of how to react to the warmth of her body so close to him. Her intentions weren’t of a sexual nature, her skill set was more precise than that. She was showing him kindness, offering help and giving him the prospect of a way she had walked without getting lost on the road. “I don’t want to…”

“... taint him?” She offered him the words that wouldn’t come to his mind.

“Yes,” he answered hoarsely.

“How do you think I feel?” She asked him, her head held high, but her eyes telling a totally different language. She dropped her mask for one moment, showing him her doubt, her uncertainty, her fear of doing something wrong.

“But you are just… perfect…” He couldn’t describe it any other way.

“I try to give my best.” She chuckled and turned to leave the bathroom but looked back one last time. “And so do you.”

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Steve’s eyebrows raised when he entered the room Bucky and his family had resided in the past few days. He wanted to pay a short visit before his talk with Fury when he suddenly found the room empty. A smile passed his lips as he realized what this meant.

A few minutes later he had arrived for his appointment with Fury.

“You know what I want to talk about, don’t you?” The director asked without even greeting him. Not kind, but efficient.

“Yes, sir.”

Fury inhaled slowly before straightening himself. “Then what is your opinion after all that happened the last week?”

He didn’t want to say too much, but… “Thank you, for giving Bucky a chance.” The Captain stated after a few seconds of silence. Yes, he deserved this. There was still so much good in him, he merely needed to recover beneath all the debris of lies and pain.

“Let’s just hope he’s worth the trouble.” Fury sighed.

Now was the time to stand up for his friend. “He is not only a good fighter. I am certain that HYDRA could not erase what he actually is. I still see it inside of him. He is a valuable asset.” He added although he didn’t like these words.

“No need to advertise him. I know what he can do. He only needs the right reasons. And I think Romanoff has given him these.” Fury pinched his nose. “Aside from maybe Natasha herself Barnes trusts you the most, given how long he known you. I need you to stay on top of everything, alright? And report it to me.”

“Sir.” He wanted to protest. No, that would mean betraying him.

“That’s not what I am asking for. I know it is morally impossible for you to spy, but Romanoff is compromised because he is the father of her child. I merely want to know if he could become a threat again. It is not my intention to harm him. We can get him straight with enough time. During that period, I need someone close enough as an early warning system. You don’t need to give a detailed, written report. Just tell me as soon as you have concerns.” He looked at him with one eye. “Can you do that?”

“Sir,... I…” This was spying on Bucky in other words, betraying him. He just couldn’t do that.

“We need to be prepared. That doesn’t mean we will lock him up directly. Desperate measures only when needed. Right now my main concern is that Romanoff and the child are safe. And I am sure your morals won’t allow any harm to them either. That’s all I am asking. ‘Tasha can manage Barnes on her own, but since she is compromised, she might not be able to see the difference. You act as a fail safe.” He looked at the confused face of Steve. “ _Romanoff_ can handle it, right?” It was not a question, not entirely. There was so much certainty in his one eye that Rogers needed to suppress the urge to chuckle.

“Yes, sir.” He had always thought that Bucky only needed him to get straight again, to free himself. But the friendship of two boys didn’t seem to be enough. Steve was glad for the help, but it still felt weird to put the fate of his best friend into the hands of someone as cunning as Black Widow. But damn, Bucky now had a family. And his past as a young man untouched by HYDRA indicated that he would turn out an excellent father. He protected the weak ones. He was kind, caring, with that lovely charming attitude that could make every woman’s heart stop. Then… He remembered the reports Natasha had given on him. Could the Winter Soldier actually become a father? But Bucky was not only these two sides. He was so much more. A kind soul, a hero who fought for the sight side, with the skill set and abilities given to him by the darkness.

For a short moment he pitied whoever got close to Bucky’s offspring and grinned at the thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Autumn_Froste for beta and help.  
> So you see we are going to work on some issues that I will weave into a therapy with Bruce where Bucky will get glimpses from his past until he remembers the full extent of what Natasha and he had done during the time he trained her in the Red Room. The topic of what he had done to her overall is still a problem. Bucky is showing that conflict more than Natasha. She can overcome the mistakes, the pain, because she is different now. But he still has to make that transformation. He needs to learn about this ‘other side’. The good guys. And of course, as soon as both are ready they will have the little girl Steve needs to protect (from the parenting of Bucky).  
> But it will get worse before it gets better as soon as we open Pandora’s box of the ‘WinterWidow’ past.
> 
> Please review ^^


	14. The father and husband they deserve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My playlist while I worked on this was:  
> Grateful by Art Garfunkel  
> Homeward Bound by Art Garfunkel  
> Gold von den Sternen from the Mozart Musical (for those who understand German this is exactly what Bucky thinks about his son)  
> Fernando by ABBA  
> The winner takes it all by ABBA

Natasha was still the Black Widow, still an agent. Being a mother didn’t change anything in that regard. So she had left almost half an hour ago to tend to her neglected duties at SHIELD. It wasn’t much to do, yet it had to be in person. So James was on his own with their small family. Natasha had promised him that Alexei would slumber until later that evening. Yet he couldn’t be sure. And James certainly had no idea if he could manage him as soon as the boy woke up. JARVIS had assured him, several times now, that he could give useful information or even call someone of the team to assist. Still, it was scary. He didn’t want to mess up his son… or hurt him… or even… The Winter Soldier growled angrily. No, not such thoughts, not when all concluded to such a promising outcome.

He needed to distract himself. Research sounded like a good option so he sat down at the desk and let JARVIS pull up the news while he also watched the baby monitor through the glass screens.

James busied himself reading up on the world’s events he missed, connecting the dots and putting everything in order to build a framework he could later use to put the recovered memories around. It was a calming activity he had always enjoyed. Planning, tactics and the welcoming embrace of structure and knowledge. Being able to react properly to whatever situation presented itself.

A glimpse at the baby monitor let him falter. There was one thing he didn’t know how to handle. And the more he thought about it, the more complex and difficult it became. He was a father now and he had to care for his heir. But what was right and what wrong? He was still a weapon. And a word, a situation, any kind of trigger could be enough to turn him into his lethal self again. The one who didn’t care who he killed to fulfill his programmed mission.

He shivered at the thought of physical and emotional pain, drug trials and the helplessness that overcame him as soon as he submitted, accepting the inevitable at last. He had fought so hard, but it had been futile, although...

James sighed while he ran his flesh fingers through his hair. The thought of what was at stake now made his chest tighten. Alexei was so small, helpless and in need of protection. There was no way of telling how powerful he would once become, but that wouldn’t matter to HYDRA. They were prepared to do everything to get their hands on his son. Time was crucial to them since Alexei would age quickly and to get the best… results they would have to train him from the moment he started walking.

The picture of his son making his first unsure steps made his eyes water. Never had he hoped to even get a chance like this. He would make it right. He would be the father his son could be proud of and he would never again obey to the will of HYDRA. An inner strength he didn’t even know he possessed unfolded, like a deep well filled with raw power opening for him. His instincts took the upper hand and his senses sharpened.

Suddenly the picture of Alexei on the screen was not enough anymore so James stood and walked over to the nursery, carefully opening the door so he wouldn’t wake him up.

Pride overwhelmed him as he saw the serene features of his son. _Do you feel safe?_ , James asked him in his mind as he glanced into the crib. _Will I ever be the father you deserve?_

As if to answer his unspoken words the boy’s face moved into something between a smile and a plea. James could not pinpoint it yet but then he heard the little boy squeal in delight, stretching out his tiny arms as if he recognized his father and wanted to be held by him.

At first the Soldier was not sure of how to actually do this without anyone to help or scold him if he made a mistake but then he overcame his fear and carefully lifted the boy into his arms. Alexei eagerly snuggled into his father’s strong chest and cooed happily while sucking on his pacifier. James felt the control over his features slipping again as he held his child close to him. His heart swelled with pride and love and he could not believe that this was actually real. After all he had done in his life, all that had been done to him, this was… like a miracle.

James closed his eyes and did not even care that tears ran down his cheeks. “Thank you.” He whispered as if fate itself listened. “Thank you.” The father rocked him gently as he walked around the room. The boy quickly went back to sleep in his arms, entirely content and happy and safe. He had a son... All the emotions inside of him heavy enough to bring him to his knees. It was bliss, a new life, hope, love. He was so grateful for everything he had been blessed with the past weeks.

“I told you, you would do perfectly.”

Natasha's voice made the bubble of warm and comforting thoughts around him burst. James stiffened until he realized who was talking to him. His muscles relaxed while another part of him hardened. This woman had given him all he could have ever dream of, and she was there for him, at his side when he needed, and maybe even in his bed if he wanted. It was too soon. He couldn't; not only because of her, but because he didn't trust himself enough yet. He wanted to earn her love.

The boy in his arms suddenly started to squirm and whimper as if he knew someone important was there. Food source. James wasn't sure if he could keep him steady enough when Natasha's hands already took hold of her son. “Give him to me. Someone wants his lunch.”

James was glad that she took care of everything but the sudden loss of the boy's weight in his arms made him feel empty and useless again. He stood there, his eyes staring into the distance while he thought about what he was able to give his son.

“Your time will come. I might be the one for nutrition and lullabies, but you will tell him stories, play baseball with him. He will cry in my arms when he falls and hurts his knee, but he will come to you when he has secrets no son shares with his mother.”

Her words made him imagine how the boy would look like as teenager, as a young man, eager to learn and so perfect, because Alexei was Natasha's child, have her heart. And even if he turned out too much like his father, James would love his son. A thought made him chuckle. How fortunate that they didn't have a girl. The image of a young woman with red hair, much like Natasha herself all those years ago, formed in his mind. The need to protect her would be way too strong, and lead to broken bones of whoever young man decided to lay eyes on her.

The sound of his son eagerly drinking his mother's milk tore James out of his daydreams. He hadn't even realized that she had settled herself comfortably in the rocking chair with Alexei at her breast. Oh dear lord, she was so perfect. Now he understood why Steve liked to draw as a young man. It was a way to capture moments just like this one.

Natasha blushed under his gaze. She suddenly felt exposed and shy, so she took the soft blanket and started to drape it over her breast and the child.

“No, please. No need to hide.” He walked the few steps towards her before slowly kneeling at her side. “It's beautiful.” His fingers twitched, as if he had to control himself to not put his hand on her thigh. James watched closely how the boy drank from his mother, that content expression, the movements getting lazier the more sated he got.

“The boy is sucking me dry,” Natasha laughed after a short while as she had to switch sides. She wanted to give her son as much as she could but even her enhanced body was not able to keep up with the boy's hunger. Still, she was glad for every moment with her son. He would grow up soon enough.

“Кто его винит? На вкус ты восхитительна. (Who can blame him? You taste delicious.)” The words had left his mouth before he realized their second meaning. James froze and red spread over his cheeks. He hadn’t even noticed that his response had been in Russian. The sweet words leaving his lips easier when he spoke in her native language. Like an impulse he couldn’t suppress. The taste of what he had said lingered on his tongue like rich wine. Oh, it felt so right, and yet so deliciously dark.

Natasha’s heart skipped a beat before spreading warm delight through her veins. James Buchanan Barnes, the charmer, flirting with the mother of his child. He didn't even know how wonderful he was, but she felt herself melting at the recent memory they both remembered in that second. Oh, how much she wanted him just like that. Mischievous, protective, loving and simply perfect. For a short moment she could forget that there was a Winter Soldier and a Black Widow inside of them, for that moment her world was whole and he was a vital part in it. Quickly Natasha had untangled herself from the daydream, trying to focus on what was going on right now. She had to help him, telling him it was alright. That she was fine with it, and that she would join him on this way. “Он твой сын, в конце концов. (He is your son after all.)” she said in the language they both shared. And it felt so intimate and secretive, and kinky...

The husky sound of her voice went straight to his loins. He shrunk even more and buried his face in his hands, glad that from this angle she couldn't see his crotch. It was a basic instinct, so primal. He wanted to mark her as his, to show the world that these two wonderful beings were his family. And he felt the desire to add more. The Soldier knew the sharper edge of his needs were honed by HYDRA's drug, but he had gained control over it once before. He could again, yet not this close to the woman his body craved.

So James fled into the bathroom, cupping himself with one hand while he tried to steady his breathing. Damn, he had watched Natasha nursing their child many times before while they had still been in the medical ward. So why now? What had changed? He didn't understand.  
James turned on the shower so she couldn’t hear him while more pictures before his inner eye shot burning desire through his veins. “Ты полный идиот! Ты всё портишь! (You total idiot! You are ruining everything!)”, he growled with venomous anger lacing his voice. “Почему ты не можешь держать свой чёртов рот на замке?! (Why can’t you keep your damn mouth shut?!)” This time he didn’t even realize he spoke in Russian as his right fist connected with the tiles. Pain, that would set him straight again. His eyes scanned the room before he decided upon a less conspicuous method that might work even better. Coldness.

Natasha couldn’t make out specific words, but she knew he used her native tongue once again. Beside the seemingly unintended flirtatious move itself he also had given her another riddle to muse on. “мой Солдат. (My Soldier.)”, she whispered and felt the warmth spreading once again. Russian was their language, their past, good and bad. It felt childish to think that way but somehow it made every word said their secret. Sharing something no one else could understand. Well, a few would. Clint and JARVIS for example. But that didn’t make it less intimate. There was more to it than merely the barrier of translation. They were words from the deepest parts of their souls. A thought came to her. It was the truth.

That realization had hit her harder than expected and for once she didn’t know how to deal with it as well. Focus. Only the reminder of what was at stake made her sober again, bringing back the Black Widow’s calculating self. What had changed so suddenly? That was the question she had to answer.

They now had their privacy and both of them were healed enough to enjoy each other. His body felt it, knowing that she was ready for him. But he was too afraid, too uncertain to accept it. And she wouldn't push him but a flirtatious smile now and then would give him enough hints. Although she knew that first of all he had to deal with his past, with his troubling memories or the loss of those. He didn't trust himself enough to let go. And panic would unleash the beast inside him. The Black Widow started biting her lower lip as the familiar tingling warmth spread between her thighs at the mere thought of him showing her of what he was capable of in bed. Okay, enough of that. Natasha reminded herself.

She finished nursing her child and made sure he was comfortably sleeping in his bed, all the while listening to the shower running in the bathroom. Barnes would not be so foolish and try to get rid of his problem the usual way a man would. The drug was still in his system as Banner had told him in a moment of privacy. Well not entirely private. Natasha had heard them and decided to fake sleep. The chemicals that strongly influenced his sex drive would eventually dissolve but until then control over the body was crucial. Giving in without having a permanent mate and especially using his own... hand would make things even worse. But once he was ready to accept her she would help him through it just as she had before when they had given him the drug. The Black Widow knew how to fulfill his cravings, how to sate him thoroughly.

Natasha waited in the living room for him to exit, a stack of folders in front of her. She immediately felt the cold radiating from him, saw his blueish lips, his limbs slightly shaking. That he thought the problem grave enough to use such drastic measures showed how desperate he had been. Because of all the time he had spent frozen, James had developed an aversion to most sources of coldness.

James avoided looking into her eyes as he busied himself with what was in front of her. “What's that?”

Natasha played along, giving him his privacy. “News from Banner. He has some theories and suggestions of how to help you concerning the wipings. He needs to know if you might have already encountered some of the substances or procedures he mentioned in the file here. He needs to understand it to get a chance at reversing it but as far as I know he is on a good path.”

James heard the deeper meaning behind these words. She had helped Bruce with this, she had exposed whatever she remembered to help him. He nodded and took the folders. “Thank you, I’ll go through it.”

A knock on the door made both of them freeze. It was an instinct, now sharpened by the tiny human being sleeping in his room. It was irrational of course. No one here would want to harm their family, but training was hard to forget.

“Miss Potts is at the door. Shall I let her in?” JARVIS offered.

It took the Black Widow a moment to understand. “Yes, of course.” She said, confusion clearly present in her voice.

The Winter Soldier watched her transition from deadly feline predator to normal human being. It was all visible in her movements and both were desirable. Even with the comfortable yoga trousers and the top she was wearing her strength and precision were gorgeous. He could watch her all day and... James shook his head to clear his thoughts. No, not again. He had to keep his own desires under control.

“Hey, my dear. I wanted to check on you and also brought Thai from that restaurant you like most.” Pepper started after giving Natasha a friendly hug. She held up the plastic bags with a grin when she saw Barnes in the back of the room. “I have brought you some too. I hope you'll like it.”

Dumbfounded Bucky nodded and started clearing the table, busying himself with something to do. He didn’t want to show any uncertainty or appear overwhelmed. Too much was happening that he didn’t know how to react to.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

The food Pepper had brought was more of an excuse to spend some time with the young boy Alexei. He was growing like a weed. Considering what had been done to him, this was an understatement. “Tell me, how old is he now?”

Natasha knew that her friend didn’t ask for the age on paper but the physical. “It is actually difficult to say. He is growing faster, which is steady, but his learning process appears to be in leaps. He suddenly babbled and gurgled around like he already knows how to make every sound from one day to the next. A quick test of every noise, sadly in every pitch as well, but he soon realized that too loud didn’t earn him a good result from me, so he settled for something else. Banner says it will be similar with crawling and walking. Right now he isn’t that much interested in it, but I can feel him squirming more and more often as if he thinks about trying but stopping himself. Actually I fear that one day he will skip crawling altogether and just stand up and run against something. It is unlikely of course. But his motor function also did a leap not two days ago. Before he was smashing into things to move them and now he focuses on them with his eyes directly and almost snatches them with a firm grip which is pretty impossible at this age. He surprises me every day.”

“It’s a time of miracles. Enjoy every moment before it’s too late.” Pepper said as she watched the baby turning in his crib and then stilling as if he was thinking very hard. After a few seconds he decided he didn’t want to give it a go just yet and demanded to be turned onto his back once again.

Natasha didn’t even had to look at him, the noise he made seemed to be enough. She smiled and lifted the child into her arms. “Darling, you’ll get there. Don’t worry. One day you will stand as proud and tall as your daddy. Yes, you will be a handsome little charmer.” She saw how the boy turned his head towards Pepper, making a delighted noise and grinning widely.

“Well he certainly has charmed me,” Pepper laughed.

The words ‘as your daddy’ echoed in his ears. It were moments like this, so carefree and loving, that he doubted all of this was real. The proof of the two assassins’ affection right there in front of him and he still couldn’t believe it. And how Natasha had talked about him between the lines made his heart swell. God, he didn’t deserve her.

He focused on the facts of the conversation to stop his cheeks from blushing even more. James felt stupid that he hadn’t noticed these little things earlier. To him, whatever the boy did was correct and perfect. He knew that shortly after the birth, Banner and Stark had analyzed how his quick aging worked and what would make him stop once he reached a certain age. Something about telomere-shortening and the Super-Soldier serum in his blood altering the telomere endings at a fixed point of his development, sealing them so that the replicating cells wouldn’t lose them anymore. Somewhere at this point he couldn’t follow their explanations anymore. The only thing that was of importance to James was that his son would not suffer any consequences as soon as he was able to understand why he was different. And since everything else seemed to work out without any real harm he was glad at least the serum he and Natasha had passed on to the child could aid him.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Some time at the end of their meal Alexei had demanded his dinner as well. Pepper watched with a big loving smile how Natasha took care of him. “Oh, he is so sweet. And you are doing just wonderfully. I never doubted you could be a perfect mother.”

Natasha blushed. “Well I try to…” She could feel how the boy sucked out the last of her and she bit her lip in defeat. “James, would you mind preparing the bottle? I am running on empty here.”

He was glad that he would be of some use but the tone of her voice showed her frustration and made him want to ease her doubts. He had no idea how to… So the father quickly did as requested and returned just in time for the boy to grow angry, his hunger still not sated. “There you go,” he said with an honest smile as he saw her looking up at him thankfully. God, he loved this woman…

Natasha took the bottle and changed position to continue feeding. The boy didn’t seem to mind the different taste. He prefered her milk but wasn’t picky as long as he felt safe while drinking. The mother tugged at her nursing bra to set it correctly while her breasts were that sore. She would have to wean the boy when he got teeth and hopefully this wouldn’t turn out to be an impossible chore.

Meanwhile James cleaned the kitchen and gave them a moment of privacy.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

After putting the child to bed, Natasha and Pepper sat down in the lounge area, talking about random everyday things and seemingly paying no heed to him.

James enjoyed the background noise while he read through Banner’s report. He didn’t want to disturb or join them. A few polite conversations during their dinner had been everything he could bring himself to achieve this evening. And it seemed to be enough for the two women. They weren’t forcing him to do anything. But they weren’t excluding him either. He could join in, whenever he liked, whenever he was ready.

And the later it got the more pressing became one single thought. There was no guest room in these quarters. It had been remodeled to become the nursery.

So where would he sleep? How would Natasha react when he decided to use the couch? And it wasn’t only the recent events that forced him to avoid the closeness during slumber or the possibility that she suddenly decided to take revenge, which was fair enough quite frankly. What if the control over his own mind slipped once again and he hurt her? The thought alone was unacceptable. Furthermore, so far he had been spared, drifting in this soft cloud of happiness and friendliness, yet what if his nightmares returned? The shame of her seeing him broken, helplessly gasping for air while his inner eye revealed to him all the cruelties he had done in his past? He didn’t want to show weakness, when she needed him strong, as the father of their child, their family’s protector.

He was ripped away from his thoughts as Virginia said her goodbye. James nodded politely, not capable of anything else, as she waved her hand at them before Natasha closed the door behind her with a smile.

“I’ll go to bed now. You coming too?” She asked him as casual and nonthreatening as possible.

He paled and his voice was hoarse when he answered. “No, I’m not tired yet. I’ll stay up and maybe stroll a little if I’m allowed.”

She understood and nodded. “Of course. You can walk freely. JARVIS will keep tabs on you and notify us of anything… unsettling. But I think you’ll do just fine.” She wanted to encourage him by putting her hand on his shoulder for a short moment. She could feel him stiffening and holding his breath, but he held still, not shying away. That was a step in the right direction.

James tried to breathe calmly. Since he was no longer confined to the bed it became harder to stand her touch. No, not that it was unpleasant, it certainly was the contrary, yet he had difficulties dealing with the emotions that overcame him when she did. Her hands were warm, gentle and with only that hint of seductiveness that he could reciprocate or not without any pressure from her side. It was madness, the most wonderful torture if he were a normal man, but he wasn’t. He was a murderer, a monster. James closed his eyes for just a moment trying to focus.

“Some of the other Avengers might be up as well, if you need company. Tony’s usually in his workshop.” She told him this to warn and to encourage. Whatever he needed.

“Alright. Thanks.” He managed a pained smile, not being able to suppress the second layer of emotions he tried to keep hidden. Before he could dig himself an even deeper hole he was already out the door.

Natasha looked sadly at the empty spot before her. So close yet still he was further gone than ever before. She could read his signs, his emotions. And she had no idea of how to aid him except giving him options without pushing. He surely saw it himself, but he had no objective view, only the horrors of his past and the gigantic distances that lay ahead of him to finally find back into his life again.  
But how could she help him in this case? Any seductive technique would do more harm than good. He saw the whole situation from a totally different angle. And she wasn’t so sure about everything herself. It was all new to her. But she saw the bright side of it. The new life she had given birth to. The hope growing with the beautiful boy James had given her. And all the things they had done, even though under HYDRA’s control, had been amazing. There wasn’t anyone else, except for maybe Steve who would never be comfortable with the darker pleasures anyway, with whom she could really let herself go. James was perfect, in more ways than only pleasure. He was strong, protecting and he could love. And he didn’t even realize it. Too much fear to hurt anyone he cared for blinded him.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

“I knew you would show up.” Tony said without even turning around. He had heard the glass door sliding open but there was no sound of footsteps or movement whatsoever. There were only three people with skills as good as this. Barton was out and Natasha didn’t bother to sneak up on him anymore since he threw a screwdriver at her once, which she had dodged, but still. That left only Barnes. “Can’t sleep?”

James didn’t respond which was answer enough.

“Did you find the time to go through Bruce’s report?” He pulled some of the files onto one of the screens right next to him while he continued working.

“Impressive. Yet I am still not sure if any of the theories will have an effect when it’s not transported via… electro-shocks.” He chose his words carefully.

“Yeah, we thought a softer way would leave less trauma. Your head has been messed with often enough already, no offense.” He pulled up a few diagrams. “There are a couple of drugs we can use to transport, delete or recover information. Bruce wants to put you in a trance and guide you through it. Quite frankly, I never really believed in any of that quack, but Bruce has opened my mind to a lot already. It’s all about control.”

James looked at the 3-dimensional images of the drugs’ molecules. One of them had a close resemblance with a certain street drug. “Are they addictive?”

“Some.” Tony admitted but didn’t seem concerned at all. “Believe me, what HYDRA gave you is a lot worse but they knew how to counteract certain effects. Also, I think as soon as we put you under, you’re gonna have a very nice trip.” Stark looked up and grinned at the Soldier.

James didn’t know how to respond to that so he busied himself exploring the lab. “What is under the blanket?” He asked curiously.

“Take a look.” Tony didn’t seem to mind James touching it.

Carefully the Soldier lifted the blanket. “A tank?”

“Yes, a sensory deprivation tank. It sounds a lot worse than it is. Actually, it’s pretty helpful when you need to calm down. It was one of Bruce’s ideas.”

His fingers glided over the metal. The tank was old, rust blooming from beneath the screws.

“It once belonged to a friend of ours. He has a very sensitive hearing and needed it to sleep.” Tony informed him. “It will come in handy when the more mundane memory recovery with sensory stimuli and triggers doesn't work.”

“How do you plan to do this?” he asked, hiding the fear of certain words mentioned very well.

“Get you comfy in a chair, give you drugs and put you in a trance. Then we will stimulate your brain to remember memories by certain sounds or smells. Don’t worry, nothing bad. Once we get it rolling and found a good balance with the chems you should be able to recover what you lost. And at the same time, we will strengthen your mind and build up walls against the triggers.”

James swallowed and couldn’t do anything else than nod.

“I am almost done here. Fancy a drink? I could use some before I wake Pepper up for some midnight fun.”

James had to cough. Stark’s easy chat about something intimate made him remember what had happened today. And when he saw the dark twinkle in the billionaires’ eyes the Winter Soldier knew that it had been on purpose. “I will drink you under the table,” Bucky said sternly.

Tony chuckled. “That we’ll see. You might have a serum to burn the alcohol faster, but I have a well-trained liver.”

With a scoff, Bucky followed him to the bar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait but the ComicCon Germany 2016 in Stuttgart (yes my hometown, at last!) needed my entire attention. And it was awesome ^^ The pictures are on facebook will also slowly be uploaded on devart and Tumblr but for the big bunch of them, check FB. (all links in my profile) There were kids cosplaying, it was so funny. They stared in awe at the big Cosplayers and when I took pictures with mini Thor, BW, and Captain America it was so sweet XD  
> I also have a video with fighting scenes, an Avengers Pool-Party, getting hit by Mini-Thor and a kneel speech. “Comic Con Germany 2016 in Stuttgart - Marvel Edition” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdlPlLmPC50  
> And there was a picture of me in the newspapers here. Take that, people who bullied me at school because I was so weird! (I still am, but now it’s “cool”.)
> 
> The other reason I am so late is that I spend a lot of time in the last chapters of this fanfic. Let’s just say, this now is part 2. I wrote an entire part 3 already (within the last 4 days) XD
> 
> And also I doubled the number of words in this chapter. After being careful for weeks of how to do this I just wrote for an entire morning and filled the holes. Sometimes fate is kind and gives me a very creative week. ^^ (After the depression since the ComicCon was over I am glad it’s getting better again.)
> 
> Thank you so much Dectie who offered to give me a proper Russian translation. I am so happy to finally do it the way I want to. (I know a lot of curses now ^^ For later when Nat is angry at Bucky. I always hated merely writing: “she cursed in Russian.” now I can do the real thing. And also some sweet talk and important moments for the two of them.)
> 
> And thank you Volpe and Autumn_Froste for the beta. ^^ Volpe is a Cosplayer I met at the ComicCon and we RPG together now ^^ yeah, and she might visit me soon for pictures and whatever comes to our minds. *excited*
> 
> Please review ^^


	15. That one time Tony and Bucky got drunk and talked about Howard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This entire chapter (except my introduction with the poor hungover people) is an RPG with Volpe. I did Bucky and she did Tony although we helped each other along. It was the most awesome teamwork I have ever experienced when it comes to fanfics and writing. At times I just stared at the screen and thought: Oh my god. That would have never come to my mind, not in a million years! XD And since we’re both no natives we aided one another when the words were on the tip of our tongues with chat discussion directly inside the text while we could peek into what the other wrote in real time (since I write in google docs).  
> And it is so wonderful and also challenging to have someone who is capable of writing long paragraphs in the RPG instead of giving 2-liners with nothing to respond to.  
> Thank you so much for this great evening. ^^ I hope whenever I need an in-character Tony, I can come to you. You kinda gave him the finishing touch I never could.

 

“Stark, I get. He’s always been an idiot,” Steve’s voice sounded like thunder in Bucky’s ears although he spoke in a normal tone.

“Hey,” someone countered in mock anger, properly Tony.

“But I thought you were old enough to know better,” Steve finished and put the emphasis on the word ‘old’ as he sat down next to his friend, handing him a glass of water and an Aspirin.

Like a reflex the Soldier took the medicine and swallowed it with a gulp of water. “What the hell happened?”

“You got drunk, Bucky.” Steve scolded him with a hint of disbelief in his voice. Tony must have given him something from the very good stuff.

“More than drunk. You got shitfaced,” Tony laughed when he had a quick moment of clarity but instantly regretted his retort, because his own voice was too much for him. Well, that was a first.

“I haven’t felt this sick since Coney Island.” Bucky admitted ruefully and hoped the Aspirin would stay down long enough to have any effect.

“So you finally admit it.” Steve cheered as if this was the revelation of the century.

“What the hell have you done to this place anyway? It looks like were had been fighting your own private war.” Pepper asked while she started cleaning up, trying to ignore the battle wounds on the two men. She would have a word with Tony once he was well enough to actually listen to it.

The two drinking buddies looked at each other, various emotions playing over their faces, until in the end, they both smiled.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

6 hours earlier:

“Told ya, there’s nothing that can get me drunk,” Bucky said with a wide grin, overplaying his frustration. He had hoped Stark’s fancy stuff had a special kick, after all, half of it was illegal in the States.

Hurt in his pride, Stark pulled out a small flask with ‘the good stuff’- the Asgardian ambrosia as he called it, which was potent enough to kick even Rogers’ superhero socks off “There is always plan A- Plan Asgard. This beauty here was given to me by our demigod friend, it should get even you drunk in no time” the bearded man slurred, already way past his usual alcohol tolerance, but he kept on fighting for his ego.

“The freak who thinks he’s a god from another realm? I heard Steve talk about him once or twice. And I saw the news. If his power comes from that liquor, I’ll give it a go.” Bucky grinned and moved his glass over to Tony for a shot of Plan A. By the way the inventor talked and moved he was already far from sober. But James knew the man could go on for quite some time longer, even save the world in his current condition.

“Exactly. And to be quite honest, someone who dresses and talks like him should better be a god from another world. Their fashion sense was somehow left behind in the dark middle ages.” Tony transformed into such woman when he was drunk, with all the slandering he did in this state. He handed Bucky just enough of the amber liquid to fill a shot glass, that should’ve been enough; at least that’s what Tony hoped for because he loved that stuff hotter than he loved his inventions, not wanting to give all of it away like this. A drop was enough to kill him for two days straight but the trips he had were just fantastic.

James should have known. But that realization was still a few hours away. He should have seen it in the careful way Tony measured the amount, not wanting to waste a single molecule as if this was the most valuable liquid on earth. Well, from what Bucky had heard right now, it might be. The Soldier nodded in thanks and lifted the glass, sniffing. It was strong. That much he could already tell. He swirled the alcohol around in the glass with an appraising look. James didn’t want Tony to think he was merely a punk with no knowledge about what tastes good or bad. Steve was, terribly so, but Bucky had always enjoyed the taste of something precious when he had the money for it. So he knew this was good. Beneath the strength, he could smell something spicy and something else, like the sweetness of honey, but altered, as if it had aged for a very long time. “How old is this?” He asked, lifting it up to eye level, checking the color.

“Probably older than all of us combined. If I had more of that divine fluid I’d do carbon dating, but it’s too precious. As my friend Thor told us” he took a deep breath to try imitating the god’s mighty and deep voice “This was aged for a thousand years, no mortal man should ever lay lips on a beverage like thi-” his voice, not used to these deep and husky tones cracked, causing violent coughing and laughing at the same time “I’m officially not even worthy of quoting him. Oh how am I supposed to live on like this?” with an over-dramatic sigh he rested his back against the couch, he was fighting the urge to go to sleep. To be fair he was going to be shitfaced the next day but talking to a drunk but approachable James was an opportunity he didn’t want to let pass.

“Older than me,” he said with a grin, clearly starting to enjoy the atmosphere. “That’s already an accomplishment.” He waited until he had Tony’s full attention before lifting it to his lips. As he saw the inventor tense up, Bucky decided for a different approach. Deeply inhaling, because he already feared it might take his breath away, the Soldier centered himself, and downed the entire glass in one big swallow. He could see Tony’s eyes widen in shock and grinned and he smashed the glass onto the counter almost hard enough to break it. James waited for a few seconds, feeling the warmth spread across his stomach, his torso, his… “Holy fucking Jesus Christ!” He coughed and almost doubled over. His senses instantly loosing their sharpness until there was nothing but a blur of colors before the serum inside him tried to adapt, and failed.

As James lifted the glass and flushed the whole shot down in one go, he knew there would be instant regret. And there was. A laugh escaped his dry lips, seeing one of the enhanced humans suffer lifted up his spirits quickly. “Looks like someone is also not worthy” Stark joked and gently patted his metal shoulder. Somehow, it was a small ego boost for him. At least the superhumans also had problems with this godawful stuff. “You know, surrounded by you, Rogers and all the other superheroes, I feel old. Thinking about it a second time, you met my father Howard when he was approximately half my current age, and still I have nothing more than my intellect to help me, no super powers like anyone else, apart from Legolas.” he sounded so annoyingly philosophical in this moment, the thought of his never proud father dropping his mood, making him stare at the empty scotch bottle he already killed in this session.

His intoxicated mind tried to understand the words Tony just said but seemed to be an impossible task. He did sound sad, that much Bucky could tell, but anything apart from that… The Soldier steadied himself, gripping the counter with both hands, the metal one slightly compressing the expensive hardwood. Tony’s speech echoed in his mind as if it was a foreign language, yet one word pierced the veil of inebriation. _Howard. Born August 15, 1917, the founding member of SHIELD, participated in the development of the Supersoldier Serum and the A-bomb. Died December 16, 1991._  
“I killed him.” he mumbled, barely audible.

It took a moment until Tony grasped what Bucky tried to tell him. At first, he thought: _Maybe he means the alcohol, poor guy is wasted already._ Quite the contrary to what he was really saying. “You what?” he asked, still not sure if he heard right. Then the shock took over him, tears forming in the dark brown eyes which soon enough burned with anger “You WHAT?!” he repeated and clenched his fists, a mere second later swinging his right one, going straight for his jawline. The impact was hard, probably spraining his own hand, thank god the alcohol covered most of the pain. “You dirty son of a bitch, you killed my father?”

Prepared or not. Drunken or not. That one hurt. It took James a second to understand what just happened. Oh no, he had just told a tormented son that the Winter Soldier had killed his father. Winter Soldier, him, James. All the same. “I did. Oh my god, I did.” It felt to him as if this was another life, just a story he heard a long time ago. Everything blurred once more and he tried to swallow, tasting something metallic. Dark memories surrounded him. Of smashing a head against a surface hard enough to break the skull. Pleading, begging, crying. “ _Sergeant Barnes?_ ” He was a monster. And just told the man next to him about one of his biggest mistakes. He knew he had no right to defend himself, so he didn’t even try to dodge the next attack.

The bitter confession only fuelling his rage, Tony swung another time, his bones cracking violently under the brute force he used “Why would you do this, you fucking bastard?!” he roared, his vocal cords on the verge of breaking. “You dirty labrats never gave me anything good. I thought Rogers taking away any chance of receiving admiration from my own father was bad enough, traumatizing even, and now I learn his _best friend_ killed him. Just give me one fucking reason not to call one of my suits and tear your HYDRA ass apart!” he growled, in between cursing and swinging for a third time, a quiet, almost mute sob left his throat. He felt helpless, like he was a child all over again, trying his best to get any proud reaction out of his father. All the bottled up frustration suddenly bubbling out of him.

James saw how the billionaire lost his edge, the anger turning into helplessness. _No, take your hatred out on me. I deserve this._ “He wasn’t even your true biological father!” The Winter Soldier shouted at him. Somehow deep in his mind, he knew he had to give Tony the opportunity to take revenge. So he tried to give the son enough reasons to finally let himself go. The man couldn’t harm him, even less in his current drunken state, or with his suit. But JARVIS would not power up the armor once Tony had reached a certain alcohol level in his system. James looked at the already bloody fists of his opponent. Whose was it? He didn’t know. Bucky remembered the times he brawled in his youth, and then how he could tear men apart with his arm. He felt sick.

The sudden outburst of his usually so quiet opponent made Tony stop for a second. Bucky was clearly too drunk to keep his thoughts straight, how on earth was Howard not his father? This was the last straw. Tony reached his wristwatch to quickly transform it into small, arc-powered brass knuckles. His next blow, again hitting the same, already bloody and bruised spot on the soldier’s jaw. Suddenly, JARVIS’s calm voice filled the room “Mr. Stark, your vitals are rising, you might consider calming down. He could break you like a twig after all.”, the AI insisted. “JARVIS, go fuck yourself, that motherfucker deserves a good beating!” He hit again and again, a fourth, fifth, and a sixth time, until his already old and sore muscles refused. No, he wouldn’t dare giving up that easy. Luckily his left hand was intact and even though he was right-handed, it would accomplish its purpose.

The punches might not have been as serious to him as they might have been to others but Stark was definitely able to smash his body against the counter with each hit. When the next connected with his side James tumbled into the room, clearly showing that the alcohol was making it difficult for him as well. He hit a plant and tore it down with him, hydroponics spreading all over the floor as the pot shattered on the stone tiles. The loud noise took him off guard so before Bucky could even steady his drunken body he already saw Tony practically flying at him for the next round. Knowing what was to come the Soldier braced himself for the punch but didn’t expect the inventor to slip and fall over the tiny little balls that had nourished the plant. Stark crashed into him and both of them stumbled over the couch.

Stark’s senses were too foggy to catch himself from falling, so he collided with the soldier, smashing his brow open against the metal shoulder. With a deep grunt, Tony fell on top of Bucky’s chest, grinning like an idiot “I swear it was an accident” he jokingly murmured after a short chuckle. Slowly but steadily he got up and reached his right hand out to help Bucky rise himself. It was painful, but in the moment the soldier stood, another blow hit him, this time right on the nose, probably sending the poor guy straight through the glass table standing in front of the couch. “Howard was an uncaring bastard but my mother didn’t deserve this” he growled once again, his rage slowly draining from his body. Acceptance filled his mind and he sat down in front of the couch, blood and dirt covering his clothes. He wiped away the drips running down his cheek. “Bastard” he huffed.

James had been too baffled to see Stark’s true intentions so he took his hand, careful not to bruise the bones even further, before the next blow made him see stars. While his vision cleared he felt sharp glass cutting into his back, warm blood making his shirt sticky, adding that to the uncomfortable experience of actually losing a brawl for once in his life. Then he heard Tony’s next words. He had killed the mother too… The memory of the helpless woman begging her husband to respond made his own eyes fill with tears. He thought about Natasha. Saw her face with the same expression. He wanted to throw up. No, no, no, please. He felt as helpless as the man he killed that night. “I’m so sorry,” he cried and inhaled, coughing up the blood that was running up his nose in this position. “So sorry,” he sobbed as he thought about what legacy he would lay upon his son with all these actions. And even more than that. What would happen if he and Natasha somehow shared the same fate and left behind a young man with grief and anger… The spiral never stopping. “I never wanted that.” He whispered at last before accepting the past as well.

Maybe this last hit was a bit too much, making James cough up blood, he seriously injured Natasha’s mate. Stark seemed to sober up quite fast, with all the anger burning the alcohol inside of him. He nodded, his head lowered and voice cracking. “No. I’m sorry, James. It’s just… against you and Steve, I’m just a smart kid. Clearly, that was less than enough for Howard. It still hurts knowing you killed him” A wince left his throat as the pain radiated from his hand through his body, it was probably broken. Poor Bucky started sobbing, making Tony feel remorse for attacking him. “You… you had your orders, buddy” he said a lot quieter, his voice barely louder than a whisper. “I forgive you. Just… try and make Natasha do most of the upbringing. No offense.”, a small snicker already left his lips again.

“None taken,” James groaned as he sat up, his voice hoarse but the sobbing had finally ebbed. He stretched his limbs and tried to get as many glass shards out of his back as possible. It would heal quickly. Meanwhile the Soldier thought about the last few minutes with a much more sober mind himself. What had he been thinking? The phrase ‘throwing someone in at the deep end’ came to his mind, but what he had just done was the peak of cruelty. Yet right now, after all was said and done he felt… lighter. And Bucky suddenly realized that this had been the only working way of telling him. At last the truth was out and they accepted it, both of them. And moved on. “Howard would have been proud of you, pal.” He spit out some blood before finally getting on his feet again.

“Would’ve been nicer to hear that from him personally.”, Tony joked and wiped his face once again, he might consider getting at least his brow stitched up. His head was leaned against the armrest of the couch, he was too drained to get up and sit anywhere else than the dirty floor. “I’ll be dead by tomorrow. Having a drunk fight is usual for me but fuck, you didn’t even flinch and I’m done.”, he groaned. He watched Bucky rising from the glass shards that used to be a table “At least you ruined the furniture I wanted to throw out anyway. Or I did, whatever. Are you alright?”

“The design was impractical anyway. Bad to fuck upon.” After dusting off his clothes James answered “Yeah, nothing that won’t heal.” Checking his jaw by opening his mouth and moving it while hearing an awkward pop, he had a look at Tony. The man’s face was in more need of attention than his own. To not hurt his ego any more James decided not to wipe away the blood from his nose just yet. In a few minutes whatever vessels had been torn would have finished healing already, leaving nothing but a numb pain for maybe a few more hours of which the intoxication would take care of. But he wouldn’t reveal that to the inventor, giving him at least the make-believe of actually having done some damage. “Need stitching?” Before Tony could give him any snide remark he added. “I am good at it. Had to patch up Steve more than once when we fought together and it never left a scar when I did it.” He offered with a brotherly smile.

“Bad to fuck upon? Sonny, you might need the right technique for glass tables. Ask Pepper.”, he burst out laughing, the comment Bucky made lifting his spirits by miles. Another touch at his cheek revealed that the blood was still flowing “S’pose that’s a good idea. I have a first aid kit somewhere behind the counter. And use some vodka to wipe that shit off my face. Just… don’t use the pricey stuff for it.”, a smile formed on his lips as the two men seemed to get on neutral ground again. “You gave Rogers a bad time when you were younger, eh?”, he asked, his intact brow rising.

Bucky collected the items and also included some ice that would help Tony keeping the soon coming headache at bay. “You are nothing if not prepared,” he said after opening the kit and pulling out what he needed. Tony was too smashed to be of any help so he put everything within a easy reach and started by soaking some of the gauze with the vodka and carefully wiping Stark’s face clean with it. “The girls wanted him instead of me. I had to cope.” he started telling to make sure the billionaire stayed awake. This looked pretty much like a concussion. “You know how terrible it was when Peggy totally ignored my sweet-talking while she was with me and Steve. She actually started to flirt with him by using my words against me on him. I felt _this_ small compared to him.” He had put the gauze aside and his hands showed a length that significantly decreased once Tony got the meaning of it.

Sitting still he tried to endure the pain that would surely rush through his veins soon enough once the vodka touched the exposed flesh. “Don’t worry. Howard had a hard time with Peggy, too. As far as I’ve been told, Rogers has always been her one and only interest”, he mumbled while Bucky cleaned his face, “Thank you, by the way. Pepper would rip my head off if she saw these wounds. Also, my hand hurts.” He lifted his gaze to look for the omnipresent AI “JARVIS, check my hand, is it bad?” he asked; the monotone, calm voice answering “You seriously sprained your hand, one bone is broken but it will heal without a cast just perfectly, sir” A relieved sigh left his throat, at least he didn’t need any more medical attention than for just the face.

“Tony, how many women did you have in your life?” He had heard the man was a real playboy but newspapers wrote what earned them money, not what was the truth. By now James had finished cleaning the wound and spread a sterile cloth on the ground where he put needle and thread to work with.

“I stopped counting after about the 300th. And I was about 25 at that time. Thank god I didn’t catch anything, or worse, had children. What about you? Being a soldier must’ve been such a tease for women in the good old times”, he answered truthfully.

“Actually, I have been a lot more upright than most people would have expected. There weren’t that many before… I fell, but I knew how to make them not regret giving me their innocence,” he had expected Stark to scoff at that and so the first stitch had been the instant revenge. “Hey, I was good, a natural talent. But since Steve, there had been a shortage of girls for me. And after that…” He stopped and tried to remember. “Well, they wanted us to use our pent up energy in fights, not during fucks.” Even though his voice appeared easy and light-hearted there was a second layer beneath it, preparing Tony for what was to come. “We only ever got the chance when we were… rewarded for good service.” Quickly he added a sentence to numb the cruelty of this. “I am sure Pepper rewards you too when you have been a well-behaved boy.”

“Pepper is much more than just the rigorous lady you know. With her… it’s different. I think she could be the first woman I met who is equal to me. She doesn’t need my money, and how I love it when she talks back.”, his mind cleared up slowly, a wide grin formed on his lips “You’re free now. And you have a pretty, intelligent, and skilled lady by your side.”, he meant Nat, of course. He got to know her as Natalie, though, yet still, she had left a positive impression.

He cut off the remaining thread and covered the wound with a band-aid to keep infections at bay. “That I do…” James sighed at the thought of her but almost instantly remembered why he wanted to get smashed in the first place. “I am not sure if she can ever accept me. I don’t want her to feel forced to be with me because of the child we have. I know society is different this millennium and a single-mother is not frowned upon, or an unwed one for that matter. But… she is so perfect with Alexei while still not giving up on her career. From what I know about her and how she grew up to be the Black Widow doesn’t need a mate.” His voice sounded much more bitter than he wanted.

“She will when the time is right.”, he reassured the soldier, slowly rising once his wound was treated, “You know, a mother loves her child no matter what, she has no choice. You are a good guy and you will be a good father. You came for help, after all, your fatherly instincts were stronger than HYDRA’s orders. She will acknowledge the efforts you made to keep her alive.” A yawn escaped his mouth, his urge to go to sleep rising with every second the alcohol left his system more and more. “God dammit, I’m getting old”

I hope you are right… he thought but countered with ”I’m older,” Bucky sprawled out on the carpet below him and fell asleep before his head touched the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, Zemo, take that! I was already dreading to that scene because I wasn’t sure how to make Tony react and treat Bucky afterward but it all worked out fine and weirdly in-character enough. Zemo got his job done for him before the time. XD or how Volpe said: “Helmuty, darling, du bist damit ein halbes Jahr zu spät. Den Kampf haben wir schon im Suff ausgefochten” “Helmut, sorry, but you’re half a year too late. We’ve been through that brawl already when we got shitfaced.”  
> Also for the Germans who get that joke (since it’s called slightly different in English and the real joke is partly lost), I didn’t want to use soil in the flower pot, I wanted something Bucky and Tony could slide and fall over. Couldn’t remember the name of those tiny balls, but I knew it was something similar to HYDRA. After a while I remembered “Hydro-Kultur” was the word. And then when I also mentioned quotes of sorts, I thought about “He killed my mom.”  
> And it turned into (partly translated, but not as funny):  
> “That’s for my plant, you ass.”  
> “I just tried to free the HYDRA-Culture, eh Hydro-Kultur (hydroponics).”
> 
> Also for those interested, something Volpe told me I didn’t know: Tony in the comics is actually adopted since Howard and Maria couldn’t have a child of their own. Well they tried with him using his smart ideas but it didn’t work out.  
> Not sure if I’ll mention it again in the story, so I just tell you why Bucky responded with that revelation. I might mention and explain it more when I find a proper place to put it.
> 
> Thanks for reading and please review ^^( got one for the last chap, and... that was a little discouraging...)


	16. On your left

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Steve meet Sam on a run through the Central Park

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not entirely sure how close the Central Park is to the Avengers Tower but when the Grand Central Station is kinda below the Tower the park isn't that far away. 18 minutes going by google maps. Steve and Bucky will be faster.
> 
> Autumn_Froste did the beta and made sure Bucky and Steve used their typical accent and style which I can't imitate yet. (Yeah, sorry XD German freaky girl here XD)
> 
> And now also with the proper Russian in it translated for me by Dectie ^^ Thank you very much ^^

Barnes was somehow glad he had been able to avoid the issue of sleeping next to Natasha for quite a while now. This also gave her the chance of a restful night and him the time to get used to being a father and learning more and more about their son, but it had gotten awkward and frustrating being so close to her without the intimacy his body craved. An intimacy she would surely despise after all he put her through. Still he enjoyed the time with his son, learning more every day and also recovering memories of who he had once been - the older brother taking care of his infant sibling.

It was long past midnight when James watched the city below him that seemed restless as well. Lights hurried across the streets and the noise was audible despite the reinforced windows and the elevation from all the life down there. His mind relaxed while the lack of sleep started to take its toll once more. A headache formed behind his eyes as he closed them.

_The moment he opened them once again the city had changed. The buildings weren't nearly as tall and somehow didn't fit into this century. Snow was covering the rooftops and the cold wind fought against his armor, a chill running deep beneath his skin. There was calmness inside him, the feeling of power, of something going exactly as planned._

_"Позволишь мне выстрелить на этот раз? (Will you let me take the shot this time?)" A female voice asked from behind him. He knew that voice but it lacked the warm embrace he usually felt. A hint of it was there, like a promise beneath the sharpness._

_James turned around to see Natasha leaning against the wall behind her, the rifle already in hand as she smiled at him. Youth and the eagerness to please was shining out from her eyes, fire and fascination, and that coppery feeling of blood and death. "Думаешь, ты к этому готова, паучок? (You think you're up for it, little spider?)" He heard himself say. There was a boyish note to the way he responded but it was almost entirely shadowed by the voice of a tutor trying to decide if the student was ready or not._

_She did not respond, only walked towards the edge of the rooftop they were standing on. Crouching once she was visible from the street below. Oh Hell, she was gorgeous. All that precision and grace in her movements and that female allure… Only watching her was like a promise._

_Inside the memory James felt himself respond, yet not to the extent he would nowadays. Part of his soul was still frozen from his last cryo-sleep and the knowledge of how good they really had been together was dulled and only a soft caress like a memory forcefully forgotten, but he could feel their potential._

_He knew it was wrong, not part of his mission, but when he looked into those piercing eyes accented by the smug little smile of hers the Winter Soldier knew he would make her his. Soon…_

_They didn't have to wait long for their target to arrive. Bodyguards were shielding him from an easy shot and the two assassins knew the exit route would be much more difficult if they acted too early. So they waited for the politician to enter his suite in the hotel. Even before he turned on the lights in his rooms Natalia had positioned her rifle to have the best shot at the window. Curtains obscured the view, but it wouldn't matter to her. She was pure precision. "Готова (Ready)," she stated and laid her finger gently onto the trigger. She knew he was nodding behind her, giving her the okay. The Black Widow breathed calmly and measured the time between the heartbeats. Then her target's head moved into the view of her scope and she moved her finger slightly, pulling the trigger. The politician fell to ground, dead. "Цель устранена (Target eliminated)," she said before picking up the shell casing from the cloth she had laid out on the ground and quickly cleaning up whatever trace there might be of them._

_The Winter Soldier hadn't moved since then, still leaning against the wall as he watched her._

_"Ваша оценка? (Your evaluation?)" she wanted to know as he untangled his arms that had been crossed until now. The Black Widow knew he wouldn't give her an answer. She might be able to get a glance at his report of her after he had delivered it to their handlers, but she didn't need his praise. She knew how good she was._

_Yet this time it was different, he was different. Her tutor walked towards her, taking off his muzzle and goggles. The Winter Soldier saw her stopping in her movement, waiting. He came close, too close. The Asset watched her pupils dilate and he was merely a few inches away from her face. Raising his metal arm he gently put his hand underneath her chin, ordering her to look up to him._

_A familiar warmth spread across her belly. The Black Widow didn't know why it was so familiar but she enjoyed it nonetheless. Playing her tricks she batted her eyelashes, her mouth opened slightly, giving him an innocent and also seductive invitation and waiting for him to respond by uniting their lips. They had never done this before but somehow she knew already how his mouth would feel on hers. Demanding, brutal and passionate. As he minimized the distance between them she closed her eyes, feeling his breath on her cheeks, waiting…_

_"Великолепно. (Magnificent.)" He whispered in her ear, answering her earlier question._

_His voice sent shivers through her body and made her legs go weak. No one ever before had managed that. God, how she longed to fall into those arms, but she was the Black Widow and she couldn't allow him to become her only weakness. Suddenly the coolness of his metal fingers was gone as was the warmth he radiated. She opened her eyes and looked at the open door to the stairs. Did he just…? Well, two could play that game. With a smile Natalia followed him, already working out a way to make the Winter Soldier melt with lust._

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

James tried to calm his racing heart as the flashback ended. He had no idea how much time had passed but he could see the sun beginning to rise at the horizon. The glass showed him his own reflection and he had to grimace. He was a ghost. Finally the name he got from so many people fit. There was no makeup needed to darken the skin around his eyes. How long would he be able to continue like this?

A sound behind him made the man straighten, trying to hide his uneasiness. She was there, standing behind him, glorious and beautiful in the silk nightgown that covered everything but hid nothing.

"It's still a little early, Natalia. You should rest." He offered while he looked at her reflection in the glass.

She shook her head. Something seemed to bother her.

"What's wrong?" He wasn't sure if he should ask, but if communication could help her it was worth the shot. "Nightmare?"

Her eyes darted to his, trying to read him. This was unusual. He normally didn't dare to invade her privacy that much, so this question took her off guard. "Not exactly."

But it was the dream she just had. Well, he could sympathize. The memory he just relived had hit him harder than he expected. "It was just a dream. You'll forget it soon enough."

She looked him deep into the eyes as she whispered. "But what if I don't want to forget?"

He didn't understand at first, so he simply countered with a smile: "So it was a good dream, eh?"

Natalia stared at a point far behind him, her gaze unreadable before she quietly answered. "Magnificent."

At that moment their son demanded attention and she seamlessly changed back into being a mother, turning around to look after the child.

"I'll take care of him." Bucky offered.

Natasha glanced over her shoulder. She looked more tired than she wanted to let on. "Really?"

"I can use the practice," he said with a grin as he walked into the nursery.

Natasha mirrored him from a few minutes before, looking out into the mess of streets and buildings while she thought about what just happened. Did he realize he had spoken out loud while he had his flashback? Natasha wondered while she listened to the father calming down their son in the other room. She had woken up to his words and the memory had come back to her with a crushing force that made her heart ache. It hurt her a little that he didn't respond to her answer the way she had imagined. His face had shown more shock than lust and it frustrated her. _He only needs time._ She said to herself while slowly returning to bed. _But please, don't let it be an eternity..._

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

He was watching the sunrise when his enhanced hearing picked up Steve rumbling about in the kitchen for something to drink before the man went out for his morning run around the Central Park, literally around the whole thing. That made Bucky smile and also gave him an idea.

"If anyone needs me JARVIS, I'm out for an hour." The Captain politely informed the AI, although it was neither anything uncommon nor would it matter to anyone since - unless aliens attacked - Sunday was sacred to the team and no one got up before ten.

"Mister Rogers, will you be taking the motorcycle or should get a car ready for you to take you to the desired location?"

Confusion made him halt in his movement of closing the fridge. "I normally jog over to park as warm up, JARVIS. You know this."

"I am under the impression someone would like to join you."

"Who?"

Before the Captain could finish his question Barnes appeared from behind the corner. "Can I tag along? I think I still need a watchdog but quite frankly I could use some fresh air and exercise."

"You're allowed to leave the tower?" Steve was a little bit unsure— not that he didn't like the idea of the two of them spending some time together, but he didn't want Bucky to get into trouble. Since his friend had gotten here, he never attempted to go outside; still too afraid to hurt anyone in case it went wrong, so this was an undiscussed topic.

"I have worked out a protocol with Mr Stark for this. You will have to carry a communications device in case of an emergency, but otherwise Mr Barnes is allowed to leave the tower with someone at his side." The AI decided not to use his master's direct words which included 'ass' and 'on the line.' "I will provide you with a bracelet that Mr Stark invented. A modified version of a fitness tracker, nearly indestructible and with all extra features able to fit into a smartwatch. Still a prototype version but this might be a good opportunity to check all functions." Was there excitement between the lines? Or did the AI just want to collect data like any other big company tracking GPS and other personal things?

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Bucky and Steve ran side by side, in sync even, as they passed other early morning joggers, people with dogs and women with strollers. It was good that the Winter Soldier hadn't been in the papers, so no one recognized him for who he was. Since he also wore a jacket and a glove over his left hand no one would grow suspicious. Occasionally someone would turn around with disbelief on the face but that merely because they had the luck of seeing Captain America in person.

The two enjoyed it so much that none of them said a word until they reached a bridge on which Steve started to slow down and finally stopped right at the top of it.

They hadn't even broken a sweat, their breathing only mildly accelerated. It was the beautiful scenery that had grasped Steve every time he passed it, and now Bucky was taking it in as well. He closed his eyes and listened to the birds and trees whispering. The leaves absorbed almost all of the stress and noise a city like that held. It was calm, serene and it gave them a moment to think and reflect.

Steve had been a helping hand these past weeks, offering without pushing too hard. His eyes filled with wonder and delight as he watched his best friend slowly recovering from both his physical and emotional wounds. The second ones were a much slower progress and he could see Bucky struggling often because he had simply forgotten how it was to not be used as an asset to kill. Some everyday things he still had to get used to. HYDRA had only taught him what would be needed to finish a mission such as weapons, transportation, changes in politics and geography or similar. Now every new meal the man tried was something new to him. Steve understood that all too well. In their time they used boil everything. Now it had much more taste with all the fat and salt. The world was noisier, more rushed and technologically advanced.

James seemed to do a very good job at adapting, better than Steve at least during his first weeks. Of course, the Winter Soldier had been thawed from time to time, but who knew how he had seen the world behind that goggles, or what he even remembered from his missions once they had wiped him clean again.

Steve tried to find something they could talk about. There had been many short conversations until Bucky had slowly retreated every time as if he didn't feel worthy or well enough yet to deal with more. They both enjoyed it and the Winter Soldier had gotten more and more used to it again. The medication Bruce had given him seemed to help him regain memories slowly. The best moments for Steve were when he told a story with a different ending and Bucky corrected him with a wide grin until they both broke out in laughter. The Captain looked down into the water when a paper ship passed underneath the bridge. He searched for the creator and quickly found a child running through the grass with his loving parents right after him, telling him to slow down or he might fall. Even from the distance his sharp eyes saw the wedding rings. Well, there was a topic.

James knew that something was coming before Steve even opened his mouth. It seemed to have taken him a lot of time to think this one up, so Bucky waited for the words curiously.

"Our mothers would be turning over in their graves if they saw us." The Captain dead-panned.

James smiled at that. "What, ehe 100 year old virgin and the unwed man with a child? Well, one of us waited too long, the other rushed things a little. I think when you throw us in a mix we are on a pretty good way."

Steve grinned and shook his head. "You always saw things from the brighter angle."

"What?" Bucky laughed warm-heartedly and clapped his friend on the back. "You got no one special? Having all the muscles and prestige must give you a good advantage."

"Well, there is… my neighbor. Sharon Carter. But I am not sure about that right now since you showed up again." He saw Bucky's confusion and continued. "She told me she was a nurse, but when you shot Fury in my apartment she came running in her pyjamas and a weapon drawn. She was S.H.I.E.L.D. and ordered to keep an eye on me. Once that broke down she started a career with the CIA. We text 'cause she's busy cleaning up our mess in DC."

He remembered that night all too well but didn't want to focus on the dark aspects of Steve's words. "Sounds like a girl fit for the Captain. Her name is Carter?" He asked curiously.

"Must be a coincidence. She didn't mention a family relation with Peggy the few times I dropped her name. And she DID flirt with me." He thought about his terrible attempts at reciprocating and gave a weary sigh.

"Well, since she isn't your secret granddaughter then, you should give it a go. A woman who has success in a profession usually dominated by men she must have the guts to scold you when you come home late. A perfect match." Once he felt well enough his first mission would be bringing the two of them together.

"Look who's talking!" Steve slapped him on the head mockingly. "You went straight for the one woman on earth who can match your skills."

"You mean the one woman who is able to leave the bed alive once I let myself go?" He saw his friend blushing at those words. A bold statement but the truth nonetheless. "Flexible and with so much endurance even my enhanced body can't come up with…"

Steve closed his eyes and held his hands over his ears. "God, stop it. We're in public! That's embarrassing. What if someone hears you say such things?"

"Oh, come on. From what I've learned about this century people are not that prudish anymore. The internet is full of porn."

Steve decided not to engage into that argument any further. "At least make her an honorable woman."

"You're serious? The Black Widow would never actually want to be bound to someone in that way."

"And you know her?" Steve asked with a raised eyebrow. The years working with the formidable agent had given him more and more knowledge about her. She still held many things to herself but there were fundamental desires even her perfect mask could not cover at every moment. She might deny it at first when asked but only because she never thought to be worthy enough to earn them.

Bucky scoffed. "Better than you, I believe." He did not dare to tell him yet to what extent he actually knew her. The memories were still too vague to be certain about it.

Steve waited a few moments and stared out onto the lake, watching the swans moving over the water. "How is your current relationship with her?" he asked finally.

That made James freeze. "It's difficult… I am not sure if she - and I - are ready for anything. I try my best to be a good father and take care of Alexei at night when he wakes up."

"Where do you sleep and when?" He would have been blind not to see the dark circles around Bucky's eyes.

"The couch mostly. Stupid Stark didn't even think when he gave us our rooms."

"Well, you can be glad he even offered them." Steve replied scoldingly but he knew what troubles that was currently causing the parents. Tony could be such an idiot sometimes, especially when it came to relationships. Still, it was better than being on the run from HYDRA with a toddler. "So you two didn't do any… fondue-ing since then?" He didn't want to say the actual words, deciding to use a word which meaning Bucky understood.

The Soldier laughed and shook his head before his expression darkened again. "After all I put her through, I don't think she wants me anywhere near her in that regard. She does flirt with me though, but I think that's… just her style."

"It is. I've seen her flirt up close. But with you? Come on, buddy. I saw her once talking to you in Russian and the words she used were very ambiguous as far as I could tell with the little language skills I have. She understands you need your time to get used to a free life again, but don't make her wait forever." Like an afterthought he added. "And don't make her regret it."

James thought about that. Especially the last part. Never, he swore himself, would he harm her or their child again. But could the Winter Soldier actually become a prime example of a loving father and husband? No, that was impossible. Could Bucky Barnes? He would have loved to, with the right woman, at the right time. He could have been a… daddy. But the Bucky Barnes he once had been wasn't there anymore, not all of him. Too many things he had lost while being under HYDRA's influence.

Steve could see the struggle in him. "You can decide who you are. You are a free man now and whatever the future holds you can make the best of it. And quite frankly, the opportunities fate has given you this far are a good reason to keep on fighting hard for what you want, and for those you love. The road may get bumpy somewhere along the way, but you will reach your goal, and whenever you need my help, I'll be there for you."

"Till the end of the line, pal." Bucky said with a pained smile as he remembered those words. It hurt, but in a good way. They would make things right.

"Till the end of the line." Steve repeated with a nod before he hugged him tightly. "Jerk."

"Punk." Bucky said with a chuckle that was half a sob. Damn, when had he gotten this sentimental? "The line ends at the bedroom door, by the way. I can take it from there on." He added jokingly before both of them would actually start to cry.

Steve coughed. "Yeah, thanks for that information." He gave Bucky one last slap on the back before turning towards the lake again. "We should get back. Come on. Let's race."

"You think this is a good idea?" James asked with an arched eyebrow. If they took it too far his survival instincts might kick in and bring back the darker side of his soul.

"Yes." He answered with a grin before using the headstart a distracted Bucky was giving him. "Three." He bolted off.

"Hey! You kind of forgot one and two!" He shouted before running after him as fast as he could.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

They were fighting for the upper hand in the race, but since James was still holding back, Steve was a few feet in front of him. Something made the Captain almost miss a step before he turned his head with a shit-eating grin and said to Bucky: "Follow my lead."

James didn't know what to make of it. He could see another jogger with a worn out army pullover in front of them. Then he watched Steve making his move.

"On your left," he said loud enough for Bucky to hear as well as he passed the man.

"What the hell?" The jogger laughed and shook his head, trying to keep up with Rogers.

Now it seemed to be Bucky's turn. "On your left." He said in the same timbre Steve had as he had run past him.

"The fuck?!" He almost tripped and had to abandon his plans of trying to pick a race with Rogers. He didn't trust his own eyes as the two of them turned around and came back to him with big smiles on their faces. Sam leaned over and took a second to catch his breath before he blinked at them. "You've got to be kidding me."

Steve spoke first because Bucky seemed a little unsure of how to respond, but thus far there was no conflict in sight, yet. And he knew Sam by now. He would neither be stupid enough, nor cold enough to actually start a fight. "Nice seeing you here, Sam. Good to know you keep yourself in top form." There was a little bit of friendly mockery in his voice.

"I believe the two of you have already jogged from one end of the park to the other three times, right? Did you take your 'You should be ashamed of yourself.'-extra lap." He joked but eyed Barnes carefully once his brain had enough oxygen to function and comprehend.

"Wilson. I…" He didn't know how to say it but he knew he didn't want to start any talk without apologizing first.

"Yeah, no hard feelings, bro. But you still owe me new wings."

Bucky was amazed at how easy the man took it that the one who tried to murder him just appeared out of the blue. He saw Steve's grateful smile and realized that Wilson must have been somebody who had helped Rogers recover from what the Winter Soldier had done to them, and what had been done to Bucky Barnes.

"When you told me you finally found your friend, I kind of didn't expect to meet him again during a run in park, quite frankly."

"We have been keeping him in Stark's Tower while he recovered from his serious injuries when he…" Steve stopped. He didn't know how much information he should give in general. The whole issue of the 'Winter Widow' child as Tony sometimes called the baby was best to be kept a secret for now.

"When what?" Sam asked, entirely oblivious while he opened his water bottle for a quick sip.

He wasn't sure if he could trust this person yet but only the thought of how this man would react was worth the risk. "When the Black Widow made me a father."

Wilson choked on his water and coughed for a few seconds before he looked at him with confusion and shock written all over his face. "What? You mean...?" He tried to overplay his disbelief with a little joke. "Guess the spider has some bite to her if you got actually hurt. What did she do? Broke your hand and tried to snap your neck or rip off certain parts of your anatomy?"

A dark shadow ghosted over Bucky's face before he got control of himself again. The memory of what had happened in reality was still like sharp ice in his soul.

"No, Sam. It's a little bit more complicated than that. Let's just say, HYDRA was involved." The Captain tried to explain.

Wilson processed the information. "Well that makes sense considering Natasha didn't really look that pregnant when we fought in DC." He had helped Steve filter through the files he had about the Winter Soldier and knew how far those freaks could go. "Nat and the child are fine? Boy or girl?"

"Natalia and the boy are fine. His name's Alexei." The bad memories were driven away by the love he felt towards his family.

"It changes ya, doesn't it?" Sam said and meant it more as a truism to not show how dumbfounded he actually was after this revelation. Then he saw the emotions playing over Barnes' face and realized how deep that thought went for him. Wilson tried to correct his mistakes just as Bucky answered.

"Yes, it does." A smile spread across his lips and reached his eyes that glowed with longing and love.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Wilson had joined them on their way home and once Sam had been able to leave Tony speechless for a few seconds after a remark about flying with the help of a suit, James had decided he liked the man with the wings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter. Took a long time to write. Thank you, Grimth for aiding me. And I am sorry I didn't use the part where Bucky loses it and fights Steve and Sam, but I need that outburst moment for the trigger words in the next chapter. But I was glad for you to come up with the tracking device and the "on your left" moment. I would never have been able to come with that myself I think. You will surely not have expected the flashback sequence though. That just came to me while I wrote and suddenly the words were pouring out of me. I loved how it made the arc when she repeated his words from long ago.
> 
> Don't be confused by the flashback moments that will appear in the next chapters. I have reasons why they might be incoherent and not fitting together. Because hell, they are great together, and they would have developed feelings at some point, so they needed to forget to function properly. And there are some things they forgot, they will cry over when they remember, but that'll close to part 3. Long way to go for these two. Poor winterwidow.
> 
> Please review ^^


	17. Freight car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James showing how wonderful he can be as daddy. Natasha has a quick talk with Fury and goes on a mission. Bruce and Barnes work on helping him regain the memories he's lost, but that doesn't go as planed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My beta Autumn_Froste couldn't make it in time, so there might be a few left over mistakes in here we'll polish out soon. Thanks Autumn_Froste and Volpe for working with me on the part with Bruce and Bucky. And also a thank you Dectie for the few Russian translations ^^

 

James watched Natasha from the doorway while she sang to their son in his crib. The boy almost instantly fell asleep after being fed, changed and entertained so perfectly by his loving mother.

She gently pulled the blanket over him. "Now get some rest, Alexei. Your mommy will be back as soon as she can and until then daddy will watch over your sleep." Natasha had known James was there, felt his eyes like a warm caress on her back.

The Soldier stepped aside when she excited the nursery, always maintaining a certain distance.

Natasha felt her body and mind aching for him but she suppressed the desire and collected her jacket and keys. "I'll be back in two hours max. Pepper will be in her office. Just ask Jarvis when you need her support."

"You think I can't keep a super-toddler in check?" James asked with a crooked grin that filled her heart with warmth.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Natasha entered Fury's private office and stood before his desk. Her posture showing strength and her voice was sharp but calm. "You wanted to see me, Sir."

Fury waited and studied her thoroughly before speaking. "How much did it change you?"

She knew what he wanted to know but she still chose to ask anyway. "Excuse me?"

"Becoming a mother changes a woman. I need to know if you'll be able to put a mission's goal above family."

The question hurt. Wounding her pride and making anger flare inside her. Hadn't he been the one so happy for her a few weeks ago? The change back into business mode shouldn't have surprised her but it still made her flinch. She weighed her words carefully. "I will fight even harder to make this world a safer place for my child to grow up."

Fury's stoic expression lasted for another few seconds before an appreciating smile formed on his lips. "I expected nothing less from you." He leaned back in his chair, indicating that their conversation would be more informal now. "So, how have you been holding up so far as a mother? How's the boy?"

She tried to read him but with the godfather of all spies that was always difficult. "Through the serum and my training I might have an advantage above normal mothers since the lack of sleep doesn't bother me that much. Alexei's smart enough to work with me on taking care of him instead of against me. He sleeps through the night most of the times now and luckily he's a very calm infant. The boy started teething two days ago and I'm glad he likes the powder and occasionally mush almost just as much as what I can give him. I hope my body doesn't take long to realize that when I wean him off." She spoke neutrally. This was in fact something important to a mission. An agent in need to use a breast pump while sneaking through an enemy base wasn't exactly ideal. "Alexei took his first tentative steps yesterday. Although he accidently fell on his face pretty comically and decided that crawling was a better option for the moment."

Fury chuckled. "Even with everything the parents passed down on him, it's nice to see he's just as normal as any other child, well, as normal as he can be. Do I soon need to watch out when the mini-spy sneaks up on me?" He said with a smile.

"Considering the huge leaps he does you might need to make the base child proof when I continued doing my job here." Natasha explained and felt pride flooding her. Somehow imagining the boy having inherited this trait of hers didn't bother her as much as it might should. It was one of her greatest talents and helped her survive.

"I'll make adjustments." Casually he asked: "What about Barnes?"

"You mean if he acts outside the parameters? If the ticking time bomb is becoming a danger?" There was venom in her voice. "No, otherwise I wouldn't let him anywhere near Alexei. He is making good progress in adapting, much better than Steve. Although Jarvis should have put Tumblr on the NSFW list." Her tone got more gentle again as she looked into the distance. "He remembers."

"What exactly?" He knew what the glint in her eyes meant.

"Many things from before they turned him into what he is. The memory of his sisters helps him deal with Alexei."

"Anything else?" He might have to dig a little but she would reveal it.

"Us. He has dreams and talks in his sleep sometimes." She didn't mention the flashbacks he had while being half awake. "I don't think he remembers them when he wakes up."

"Of what nature?"

Damn, he wouldn't give up. "Not the bad kind. All memories I have of him and me while he was my trainer are…" Quickly, find a word that doesn't reveal too much.

Fury smiled, a genuine real smile of amusement. "Has he made any advances yet?"

Was he really asking her if they were having sex?! "His mind is still too fragile. He flirts when he is lost in thought, revealing the Bucky Barnes of the past. But he would never touch me without my consent."

"I just want you to be safe. And yes I choose this ambiguous word for a reason."

Natasha growled. If she wasn't the perfect spy she knew her cheeks would have turned bright pink. Was Fury actually doing sexual ed? "Despite my former infertility and resistance to any kind of disease I _do_ know how a contraceptive works."

"Good. You should also talk to Banner about the stuff they gave you. So you know how much time you have left in case you want to give Alexei a sibling. And also, depending on whether HYDRA gave up on their plan or not, it might make you a valuable target."

"You said there was a mission for me?" She didn't want to dwell on that subject for any longer.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

As Natasha went back to her little family's rooms in the Stark Tower her expression darkened with each step while the folder in her hands got heavier with every thought about leaving her son without a mother in case this assignment went south. Such thoughts were nonsense of course. The Black Widow was the best at what she did and the decades she had survived proof enough of her abilities. But still she couldn't shut out the fear she experienced.

Natasha entered as silently as possible when she heard James' deep voice talking to their son.

The father was in the nursery reading to Alexei from a children's book. "And they lived happily ever after." His tone had a hint of longing to it as he finished and shut the book.

Natasha's heart ached as she heard him. God, why couldn't it be easier? Why did fate make it so difficult for them? In another world they could have met and fallen in love without HYDRA interfering and using them as a breeding pair for their new army of super soldiers. They wouldn't have their mind and physiology messed with. They could have been a happy family living in a nice house with a garden and a pet. No threats lurking in every shadow. A place where their son could play and grow up normally, go to school and find a girl. She would be keeping everything in order while her mischievous husband would be a charming troublemaker. Coming home from a camping tour with their son all muddy and wet from an unexpected rain. He would turn the hallway into a filthy mess that she would command him to clean up since the twin girls she was expecting made it impossible for her to reach the floor without needing help to get back up again. He would fulfill her every wish and tell her everyday how beautiful she was with that huge swell of her belly and she would laugh at that before seeing the sincerity in his eyes. And once the girls were born James would become every boy's nightmare with his overprotectiveness. They could have grown old together, smiling proudly at the family they had created, their kids, their grandchildren. A peaceful, normal life in a nice place that belonged to them far away from all the fighting.

_And they lived happily ever after._

She wanted to cry. Telling him about all her insecurities while he held her in his arms, promising that everything would be fine. But James was still too fragile. She had to be the strong one until he was fully recovered.

The child squirmed as the constant soothing murmur of the father ended. "What is wrong, kid? Not enough? You want me to read you another one?"

The Black Widow guarded her expression and put on a mask as she entered the nursery. "You'll spoil him rotten."

After handing the child its toy the Soldier turned around. James could see past her façade almost instantly. Something troubled her. "How was your meeting with the director?"

"I'll leave this afternoon for an assignment." She soberly explained. "Gonna send Pepper to help you with Alexei. I'll be back tomorrow when everything works out."

It was not his right to question her but the words left his mouth before he could stop himself. "You think you're up for this?"

Her eyes were like piercing daggers and her voice as cold as ice. "I am the Black Widow. I might have given birth a few weeks ago but that had no impact on my skills." 'Despite maybe heightening my pain tolerance.' she added in her mind. "I am fully healed and ready to do my job."

'And a few weeks are enough for the Black Widow to neglect her offspring? To abandon her family for the greater good?' "I would never dare to question your abilities and strength." He said softly instead of the bitter remark on his tongue. "Just…" He walked closer, the need be near her overpowering his fear of doing something stupid. "... make sure you'll stay safe. For Alexei. He needs his mother." He pressed his lips into a thin line as his eyes showed the depth of his plea. He wanted to lighten the situation a little. "I suck at being a father." He chuckled half-heartedly before finally saying the words he had tried to keep buried deep inside of him. "И мне ты тоже нужна. (And I need you too.)"

Natasha stared at him helplessly. For once he was showing his emotions towards her and she couldn't even open her mouth. 'I need you as well.' She wanted to bury herself in his strong arms, to kiss him with all the desire she hid deep inside. But that would surely scare him off. He wasn't ready yet. Natasha blinked away a tear and gave him a warm smile. "I'll make sure I return to my two boys safely."

Bucky grinned at that before his expression darkened once more. "Doctor Banner and I will have a therapy session in the afternoon. He wants to see if the drugs have had an effect."

The Black Widow recalled the last time he had a flashback about them going on a mission. "You are making progress, James. A lot in my opinion. You're doing fine." She assured him. "But please make sure you don't try to achieve more than your mind can handle, okay."

He nodded.

"We'll talk when I'm back." She wanted to at least kiss his cheek in a friendly manner but took too long to decide. The moment had already passed.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Banner had just finished readying his equipment when he heard a knock at the door. He checked the clock. Precisely 4 pm. "Come in." He said with a smile while he made himself comfortable in the seat.

"Hello, Doctor Banner. How do you want to start?" Barnes asked apprehensively.

"Good afternoon." Bruce nodded towards the comfortable couch next to him and waited until the soldier was settled. "First of all I wanted to ask you about the meds we are giving you now. It's still experimental, as you know, and any information could help us fine tuning them." He thought about the nights he had spent with Tony in the lab, running calculations and solving puzzles. They were the right road. The first dose had almost knocked Barnes out, but they finally had found a balance. Now it was important to work on his mind, his memories. For that he studied the Winter Soldier more closely. He was still tense, ready to fight or run whatever occurred, his training still strong. But that wasn't what they wanted to work on. Barnes needed to gain control over his life once again, being free of HYDRA. It would be a long way, but merely his willingness to let them tinker with his mind that had been bruised and scarred by HYDRA showed clearly that he was heading towards his goal with big steps. Yet today, something seemed different about him. His usual aura of masculine strength had taken a serious hit. But why?

Bucky closed his eyes and held up his hand as protection against the sun, "Honestly Dr. Banner, my head's killing me and I'm kinda sick to my stomach. Like when Steve and I used to go on too many rides out at Coney Island." He smiled sweetly reminiscing. Bucky knew he wasn't quite up to par when he could hear his Brooklyn drawl begin to sink back in. James shifted into his seat deciding the coolness from his metal hand might be better on his temples. He took several deep breaths. He peaked up from behind his fingers, "Now, what's on the agenda?"

Banner quickly saw through this façade. The man had answered too quickly, giving the information about a weakness too fast. That meant he had something much more troubling on his mind. "Well, I suppose we can give you something against that and change the dosages a little. But I'm afraid we can't do this without any side effects. We try to reverse the trauma HYDRA had done to you through their electroshock treatments. And sometimes healing can also mean pain." His words weren't only centered around physical discomfort and he knew Barnes could sense this. The doctor cleared his throat. "Well, for starters, you could tell me what's on your mind right now. What troubles you?"

Bruce hadn't even gotten to the word shock when James felt his body tense. He knew Bruce saw how jumpy he was. James stood up and paced around the room. He walked toward a plant that Bruce kept by a window. Bruce told him at a previous visit that the plant's name was Maya. James thought it odd to name a plant, but he also felt there was more of a story there, but didn't feel that it was his place to ask.

"Steve brought up something and I'm not sure how I feel about it."

Bruce sat on the edge of the table he used as a desk. He took his glasses off and cleaned them, quietly prodding for more information.

"He said something about…" James trailed off. "In the future, if Natalia would want to have…" James trailed off again and shrugged.

Bruce connected the dots for him, "He suggested that you and Natasha would eventually become intimate again."

James stood up and paced. He had his back toward Bruce, "Why would she ever want to be intimate with me again after everything that's happened?" He turned around to Bruce.

Bruce looked patiently at him, "Have you tried asking her how she felt?"

This time it took him even longer to answer. "Not exactly, but I studied how she acted around me compared to the others. Flirting is a part of her. She enjoys making men flabbergasted. But there was a never a second where she actually..." Then he realized what she had done all this time.

The doctor chuckled despite his efforts not to. "So you finally understand."

Sudden anger made the Winter Soldier's eyes focus on Banner which made the man laugh even more. "What's so funny?"

"It's just nice to see how normal you truly are. Believe me when I say that all will work out."

Hope bloomed over Barnes' features while at the same time he felt helpless again and so unsure of how to react.

"She will guide you when you are ready."

James balled his fists. "Natalia is doing so much for me, and what am I giving her in return?"

"You gave her a family. Something she never thought possible. And she is grateful for that."

"I forced her into this. It was the mission HYDRA gave me." There was more behind these words.

Bruce tried to keep him away from the darker thoughts. "But in the end all went well. Just focus on that."

James shook his head as if he tried to get rid of certain images. "I forced her." He repeated and now the meaning was much clearer.

Bruce swallowed and gave both of them a few seconds before he continued. "She is not afraid of you." He finally answered.

That actually made him smile. "She never really was, even when..." He froze as he remembered.

"When...?" Bruce asked and picking up his pencil again, ready to take notes.

"I remember training her. I knew I had, but those memories were only glimpses and I wasn't sure if it merely was wishful thinking or something HYDRA put in me to fulfill my mission. It's... incomplete, but I think it's true." His body reacted to all the pictures he now saw. His mouth open as he remembered seeing her the first time. Then this need to protect her, to train her, to scold her, to laugh with her, to... "It's all incoherent."

"Like a fragment, right? A piece of memory you just can't figure out or put into the timeline."

James froze when he realized how right Banner was. He looked up and his mind tried to define if the smile Bruce gave him was of good nature or to manipulate him. "A couple of pieces in fact. I remember a few dates. It thought she had been just one of many I trained but I now think, for a certain time, it was... just her." Just her. That sounded so weird.

"As far as I know by now you two are the most effective," Bruce chose this word to keep it neutral, "people at what you do. She must have her skills from somewhere."

James nodded. "We are very evenly matched. If it wasn't for my arm we could fight each other for hours and there would be no winner." And even then Natasha could find ways to disable his advantage. That thought made him smile.

Banner had noticed the slight change of his demeanor and two facts became very clear. First of all, the rekindling relationship with Natasha was a good thing for all of them. At the beginning Bruce had been a little unsure, caring about the Black Widow who had become a good friend over the time they saved the world together, but now this seemed to be the solution with the most promisable outcome. And secondly, it would be beneficial for the two of them working as a team in this together on a mission and in their private life. It might also help Natasha regain a few of her memories. Most of it she had recovered by herself by now but it seemed like there was still a lot left to unveil, especially concerning Barnes. She had told Bruce very similar things about the past the two assassins shared, but she also had holes in her memories which she wanted to fill. He would have to talk to Tony about this. Maybe there was a more effective way to help both of them at the same time. Bruce grinned. Another sleepless night over the screens in a talk everyone else would simply call nerd-ish. And the doctor was looking forward to it.

"What's so funny?" James asked, suddenly unsure again.

"Oh, I am sorry. I was just… I have a few new ideas, but they need a bit of pondering over them first." He quickly wrote down a few words and closed the book before Barnes could grow even more suspicious. "Alright. Back to the topic at hand. During the other half of this session I want to give it a first go and see how much effect the drugs have so far. I want to guide into one of your first brain washings. I assume that was when they made you forget about your time as a US soldier, your time with Steve. And since most of it is already back we have a halfway explored room to illuminate. It will help me find the boundaries our current concept of recovering has, test what happens if we attempt to surpass the limits." Bruce got up to fetch a few objects with cables connected to them. "This here is purely to have a look at what is going on inside your brain. They are not for active aid but passive surveillance. Yet still I am sure you might feel uncomfortable with them attached to you so I want you to examine them yourself first."

Barnes took the metal object from Banner and gave it a thorough look. It reminded him much of the devices that shot blinding pain through his skull.

Bruce saw him hesitating and added. "This is actually a modified version of what is used in hospitals. And they are basically harmless. We could put you in a big, loud machine as well but this smaller gadget is more suitable for our needs."

"Alright," James lowly said as he handed it back to the doctor.

"Okay, now let's make you comfortable. I will explain everything before I attach it so you can be more at ease." The doctor wanted to be supportive but he felt Barnes' patience running thin. "Over there is a chair you will sit in." He walked James over into the adjoining room. This one was much smaller with many computers and screens, a desk, a simple bed and also...

Every fiber of his being revolted as he moved towards the chair. He tried to remind himself that this wouldn't hurt him physically. That he could abort any time he wanted but… He only wished Natalia hadn't gone on a mission. As weird as it sounded, he would have wanted her to hold his hand through this. She had the astonishing ability to ground him.

Bruce carefully put the sensors onto James' temples and forehead that would later show them exact images of which sections of the brain were active. He knew the Soldier was more than a little bit anxious and had to fight hard to keep still, so Banner tried to be calm, soothing in words and actions. He moved his hands in a way that would indicate where he put the next sensor.

James flinched as Bruce attached the electrodes. Their presence was a bit uncomfortable, it was a weird sensation over all. They were cold and especially the ones closer to his scalp felt like cold metal fingers holding his skull in place. Like a cold grip of something from the past. Maybe that was just his imagination, but maybe his past self tried to encapsulate his memories for a reason. "Should I close my eyes or does it work either way?", the soldier asked.

Bruce checked if all cables were connected to the machine before turning it on to give it time to calibrate. He gave a quick nod as he saw all the windows on the screens showing moving lines. Barnes' voice ripped him out of his scientific bliss, startling him for a second. "It works better with your eyes closed. As I said we want you to remember the past, so the less presence you perceive the easier it'll get. To get the machines calibrated I will first start with everyday things which I'll trigger through images, noise or smell. You're okay so far?"

Barnes nodded, it would be more comfortable with his eyes closed anyway. "It needs getting used to but I think I'll be fine.", he answered shortly. He was a bit nervous, facing his past and what might have happened made him anxious, but he had to endure it. If not for himself, for Natasha and his child.

As soon as James had shut his eyes Bruce pulled out the various things he wanted to try out. With a smile he decided to go for a surely delightful memory. "I will now let you smell something and I want you to tell me what exactly you remember about it. Don't worry. I believe you'll like it, and we can share them once we're done here." He took the food out of the styropor box and held it towards Barnes. He would let him get a quick sniff before storing them again to keep them warm for later.

A smile was plastered on James' lips as he recognized the scent of a warm hot dog in front of him. His mind started drifting, he used to love them back when he was just Bucky. He often went to Baseball games with his former best friend Steve and hot dogs were obligatory for visits at the stadium. "I remember Steve… we used to eat junk food a lot when we were watching games. He used to be so tiny back then, barely managing one bun while I had five. And ten times more beer than he had. Stevie only needed to take a sip and was smashed." Bucky murmured.

Bruce looked at the lines being drawn and saw the 3D images of the brain highlighting a certain area. "Good." He typed in a few commands and checked if everything was recorded correctly. "Now, let's try sound stimulation." He looked through the sound file folder he had prepared for this. It was either the sound of a fireplace, wind in the leaves or something or something more human. Choosing the last option seemed the most enjoyable one. "Tell me what you remember." He clicked on play, filling the room with the sound of children running down a hallway, giggling.

The image in his mind shifted. James furrowed his brows as he saw young girls, running along the halls, playing catch and being loud. He used to be so annoyed by them, but now he missed them dearly. "I see my sisters. I still miss them. I always will", he answered. Somehow thinking about what happened to them made his heart ache. He had already remembered having sisters, the mechanics behind being an older brother had helping him dealing with Alexei, but now… seeing them so vividly before him was hard to take. What were they doing? Were they still alive? He hadn't tried to contact them yet in fear of finding out something that could have hurt him more than not knowing anything.

"You could ask Jarvis to help you find out how they fared in the past." Bruce said while marking some lines in the graphs. The drug was taking effect now, making Barnes relive his memories much more intense, making sure he saw every detail. That was good. It was like an enhanced memory training. When his mind got so good at replaying everyday things it would make it easier for him to unlock those moments that had been lost forcefully. "Okay, now let's move on to something else. I want you to conjure up a picture from your mind. Something you know has more to it than you remember currently. Maybe something from your time with Steve in the army. I want you to train to work on regaining access yourself."

Bucky concentrated hard for almost a minute and he was surprised Bruce let him. Being used to pressure from HYDRA, this was a calming trance he found himself in. He could walk around his own memories. It was like looking through a slideshow with hundreds of pictures and video showing. He enjoyed the glimpses he got while scrolling by. This was a happier past, even though it was laced with war, it also contained friends and laughter. Then he found an image of the whole group. It was… blurry, pixilated and roughened. Immediately he knew there were some parts of it missing. "Alright…" he murmured. "I've got something. What should I do now?"

Bruce had watched the graphs drawing lines so far. He had seen a spike, like something revolting. "Good, you found a memory that got fractured. Now I want you to pull it in front of you. And try to put it back into 3D until you are sure you could touch it when you reach your hand out. Don't worry. It won't be impossible anymore. The drugs will help you focus and clear out the fog around it." He himself didn't know how a picture like that would actually look like. He had some experience from what the Hulk released for him to see. Which was exactly that. In a mist and unreachable.

Barnes took a deep breath and let himself fall into the image. Suddenly warmth surrounded him and it was… not as he expected. James didn't know what had expected in the first place actually. But this was… good... somehow. "I can hear voices now. Laughter and… definitely Steve's voice. He is telling jokes I once told him, showing off. Oh god I rolled my eyes at that."

"Work hard on Steve to get that side of him out again, okay?" He knew Captain America of today and he wished a little bit of what James experienced would become part of the nation's symbol again.

"I will try. Damn, I really have to try. He is a gentleman by nature but the time in the ice really shoved a stick up his ass." Barnes chuckled and relaxed in his seat, sighing contently.

At that moment Bruce knew the Soldier would be ready to step into darker waters, fortified and confident. "Alright then. I think we can try the real challenge now. Remember, it won't hurt you. It's only a memory you can not alter or undo, but you can understand it, analyze it and put it into a folder."

James stilled instantly and stiffened. "'Kay… What should I do?" He was afraid. Wouldn't admit it to Bruce although he surely knew it, but he… was truly scared right now.

"As I said before I want to take you back to the time before the brain washing." Bruce explained following the paths on his notes. "What is the first thing you remember from the last actually conscious moment. Your last mission, or whatever you can keep a track on."

"Steve and I were in the alps. We were trying to get to Zola. Ziplining like idiots. God damn, we should have ended up like bugs on a windshield…" He could feel the cold wind now, goosebumps appearing on his skin as his body reacted to the memory. "We entered the train and fought there. Steve handed me his pistol when I ran out of bullets. That HYDRA soldier blasted a hole into the wall and I took Steve's shield to protect myself while I fired at him. And then…"

Bruce saw the physical reaction clearly in the spike of adrenaline and elevated heart rate. There was something weird in the brain scan which the doctor couldn't quite understand. The memory connected to something else somehow that seemed to pulse in a different way, as if it was waiting, but shielded until it was touched. Bruce furrowed his brows. There was more to it. The tissue around it was showing signs of much more trauma than the rest of the brain. Like this was forced into him. The more Bucky spoke the more the area seemed to light up. Was this something Barnes had to unlock, or was it… This was different, and it almost felt dangerous. Thinking it might be a memory James had locked away because of traumatic reasons Bruce tried to urge him forward. "What happened then?" He knew what, but he had to guide Barnes along.

"Another blast of energy threw me out of the train. I was clinging to a pipe of some sort." Bucky's grip on the chair's armrests tightened. "Steve tried to reach out to me, but… I fell…"

Bruce looked at him directly, there was sweat on his forehead and he was breathing rapidly. "So you fell into the ravine while Steve was still in the freight car." As soon as he had spoken the last words something on the screens flared, but the doctor was too concentrated on Barnes' reaction.

A tremor had gone through the soldier and now he was completely still, his eyes torn open while he waited. "Я готов отвечать. (Ready to comply.)"

Bruce stared at him, not understanding. Only a second later he was smashed into the wall.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, you all know what happened and you surely have doubts of how only the last trigger could have make him snap. With the drugs given to him he was more open for this. (Yeah, I know, not very logical somehow, but bear with me. Like this we can work on getting him rid of the triggers and I think that's worth the not canon stuff here ^^)
> 
> Sorry for the long wait but I somehow lacked the motivation to write. I could always use a boost from you guys ^^ Reviews and criticism keep me going because I have a reason to make it better, add more chapters.
> 
> Help me decide:  
> -Bucky goes on a rampage through the tower and stops in front of his son and finally comes to his senses.  
> -Bucky flees and when Natasha comes back from her mission she has to track him down and help him.


	18. Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky tries to escape - and is confronted with his son.  
> Can the boy break through to him? Can Natasha arrive in time or will be nothing left of her family?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your ideas and wishes concerning the question I asked after the last chapter. I tried to bring all your wishes to paper and I hope you'll like it. Had no beta this time but got the Russian translation from Dectie. So at least that one's proper ^^
> 
> Thanks to those who reviewed:
> 
> Sofia, misssafrica, kaah, Isabel, bedb, amaya, orangeporqupine (especially for the many reviews to several chaps), Sith Of Destruction, kalilija, 2781 and of course the guests and anons. ^^
> 
> Your support made me finish this much faster. I also had a chapter for my Brutasha fanfic to do, otherwise this would have been posted a week after the last update instead of months after. Sorry for making you wait another week. ^^ But I hope the content is worth it ^^
> 
> And yes I know here I calmed the Hulk down to quickly for Hulk-fans, but it's not my main objective and I have a feeling the Winter Soldier is actually more deadly here when he wants to. And so much more filled with stuff that makes your fan-heart weep.

 

For the seventh time Natasha fumbled for the phone in her pocket. She knew this was unprofessional, knew it might blow her cover, but she couldn't stop worrying. Fury had been right in his assumption. And it unnerved her. What if Alexei needed something only she could provide? What if something went wrong with James? Had she taken up on her duties too early?

Leaving a few coins for her coffee she got ready to infiltrate her target. A wealthy businessman who got on the radar due to his black market activities. The mission was easy. Nothing she hadn't done a thousand times before. No real life-threatening danger. But still...

With a heavy sigh she turned off all communications. This was a radio silent mission. Checking her appearance one last time in one of the shop windows Natasha entered the hotel her target resided in and went straight to the bar to catch him in a web of lies and expensive alcohol.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

"Sir, if I might interrupt you, there is a situation in the lab." Jarvis voice sounded through the speaker.

"What kind of situation?" Tony asked still entirely focused on his Iron Man helmet.

"One that requires your suit." The AI replied, a little more urgently and as if on cue the Hulk roared.

"Oh dear..." With a flick of his wrists that metal armor that until now was scattered around the work tables encased his body piece by piece. "Call the others for help. And use code Green on Banner. Maybe we can pin him down more quickly."

"Already done, sir. In about half a minute the narcotics should kick in."

"Let's hope the horse tranquilizers work. What about Barnes?"

"He's trying to escape through the roof, I have already deadlocked the doors but with his powers he can still move around the floors. The Winter Soldier is currently in the lounge area."

"Damn, one more dent in the floor I will have to fix. Why can't people stop trashing my tower?" He entered the living room right after Hawkeye and Thor.

"What happened?" The archer wanted to know.

"Scientific experiment gone wrong." Tony said flatly while looking at the Soldier who got ready to attack.

"He's unarmed." Jarvis informed them. "Except for his arm."

Damn, in another situation Tony might have laughed. "Alright. Let's try to pin him down." A couple of rooms away the noises quieted. At least they got the Hulk. "Bruce is asleep. That's one down and one to go."

Thor threw his hammer but Barnes dodged it effortlessly. The weapon buried itself into the bar at the other end of the room.

"Stop trashing my stuff!" Tony repeated.

"You want to get him secured or you want him on the loose with your china still intact?" Hawkeye growled at him before releasing a narcotic arrow. Barnes snatched the thing right out of the air. "I'll be damned... I never miss." Quickly he shot another arrow, this time with a net that instantly wrapped around the Soldier giving him a few volts. It merely got him to his knees before Barnes ripped the strings apart.

"Okay, I am open for suggestions." Hawkeye murmured. They had feared that Barnes might snap again, but their contingency plans thus far were to take him down as a team, or have Natasha trying to talk him down. "Any chance Nat came back from her mission already?"

"No, I've contacted her but it's radio silent. As soon as she checks her messages she'll be on her way." Tony sighed. "Well, I guess we need brute forced then." He activated his thrusters and flew against Barnes, knocking him into the nearest wall.

The Winter Soldier coughed as plaster and concrete rained down around him but he seemed otherwise unharmed and ready to attack his enemies.

Thor was next. All fists and punches which the Soldier met easily. A left hook sent the god onto the couch table, breaking the glass.

"Come on, man, that's the second table you trashed. I've really had enough for this." Trying his luck Tony went into a fist fight as well and failed miserable against the trained assassin. Ten seconds were enough to turn his display onto a red flashing Christmas tree. "Jarvis, suggestions." They couldn't fight with lethal methods which was proving to be difficult beyond options.

"Mr Rogers is on his way here. Maybe he can talk him down."

The Iron Man got sent right on top of Thor. Both men tried to get back on their feet while the Winter Soldier walked past them casually. The archer released a couple more arrows but it was useless. Two quick punches brought him to the ground, leaving him gasping for air.

"Mr Rogers has arrived. I have shut down the elevators." Jarvis explained while they gathered themselves, running after the Soldier.

Steve was standing in the hallway. "Bucky, hey come on. It's me, Steve." He saw no flicker of remembrance in the other man's eyes. "Please, you have to calm down. We only want to help you. And you have agreed to this. I know you're not yourself right now, but..." Steve tried, taking a step backwards whenever the Soldier came closer. "I don't want to fight you. Please, try to remember."

"He's not listening..." Tony realized while Steve babbled on. "Okay, plan B. Knock him out."

"I thought A was knocking him out and B was talking." Hawkeye growled.

"Yeah well, Plan A with a little bit less pulling our punches." Iron Man answered him. "Third time's the charm."

Steve was now at the emergency staircase blocking the way down while still trying to talk to his friend.

Tony knew they had him now. There weren't many options left for him to escape. A window would be suicide, the elevator was deadlocked by Jarvis and now they were blocking the only way down the staircase.

The Winter Soldier knew this as well, his eyes scanning the enemies on the stairs beneath him, calculating. Then he glanced upwards, a plan forming in his mind, and with a cold smile he ran up and entered the floor above.

Iron Man blanched behind his mask before activating his thrusters while the others bolted after the Soldier as well. They knew who was up there. "Pepper… no…"

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Trying to gain access to the security system the Winter Soldier walked into a room he knew held enough computers to enable just that. The door shut after him and he made quick work of the panel next to it. That gave him a few minutes until they would either rewire the system or knock the metal door down.

He scanned the room for weapons or anything useful when he heard a gun being cocked.

"Stand down, Barnes," Pepper said with a voice that shook as much as the weapon in her hand. Outside she could hear the others trying to get inside.

The Winter Soldier turned around and showed no signs of remembering her. "You can't kill me. Now hand over that weapon before you waste any of the bullets." He needed every single one of them.

"No," she said sternly and tried to aim for anything that would incapacitate but not kill him.

He saw this as well, wondering why she wouldn't eliminate the danger right away in order to save her life. Trying to test his theory he walked towards her but also moved further into the room to have more space and time to react to the others as soon as they broke the door down. Something else was off with this woman. She did try to move away but still remained as a barrier between the Soldier and the cupboard behind her. The door was slightly ajar. The Winter Soldier's eyes hardened as he understood. There was another person in the room.

"Don't come any closer!" Potts warned him again, seemingly for the last time.

Barnes only rolled his eyes and continued walking, now directly to her. He raised his arm to grab the gun and fend of any bullets. To his surprise she actually shot at him but he deflected them with his metal hand easily and disarmed the woman with a few precise hits. Now to why she even bothered to stand up against him… He stepped around the unconscious female and checked the weapon in his hand before aiming it at the closet. Whoever hid in there was too weak to defend themselves, and most likely very precious. That made them crucial as a hostage. "Show yourself," the Soldier demanded right when the door behind him got torn open.

Jarvis had assessed the situation even before Tony could form a question. "Sir, Miss Potts is alive and merely unconscious."

But Tony also knew he couldn't reach her in time in case the Winter Soldier decided otherwise. So they all waited for Barnes' next move. He had pointed the gun at the closet while looking at the Avengers. But why…

"The boy is in there," Jarvis offered.

The Winter Soldier smiled as he saw their faces crumbling in fear. Yes, he had assumed correctly. Whoever was in there was very important. His mind ran the calculations of how long it would take to have the person in his grasp and as a human shield in front of him. "Get out of there, now!" he shouted while still keeping his eyes on the Avengers.

The door opened and he knew they wouldn't fire at him right away in fear of collateral damage. What he hadn't expected though was the tiny being running towards him with no signs of fright whatsoever. Confused he turned his head just in time to see a little boy, barely able to coordinate his own steps, running towards him. Why…?

"Daddy!" The boy screamed happily although the syllables were blurred as if he had to fight against his own tongue to say them. The tiny human being slung his arms around his leg and held on tight.

 _What...?_ The Winter Soldier pointed the gun at him while the toddler looked up with trusting, loving eyes. His skull burst in pain as the memories flooded back to him. Too much, too fast... He didn't understand… couldn't...

Steve saw the distress in Barnes' eyes and knew the boy was about to break through to him. But that didn't lessen the danger of a gun pointed directly at the child's head while only an involuntary twitch was enough to pull the trigger. "Alexei, get away from him!"

Alexei… his… son? But he hadn't been able to walk before. Wait? Why would he believe this? Was it a trick? His brain tried to assess the situation and understand, but there was only a flash of white whenever he was about to break through the veil of violence. _Order only comes through pain. You are our asset. And follow our…_ "NO!" The Winter Soldier shouted, startling the boy who fell back on his behind with tears in his eyes.

"Alexei, come here!" Steve pleaded as he saw how Bucky held his metal arm to his head, gripping the hair and groaning in pain, his eyes closed for a moment.

Everyone froze in fear. Despite being unable to see properly Bucky let the gun follow the boy automatically as he crawled towards them, tears in his eyes and crying for his mother.

The mother… But who was…? Who would even try to…? Barnes moaned in pain and almost dropped the weapon as he saw flaming red hair, felt the silkiness beneath his fingertips. Cursing in Russian he tried to hold on to sanity, or what he thought was sanity.

There were two worlds, two realities, two lives… too much. His eyes searched for the boy, his son. But he could barely see him. The level 1 target was crouching now, the shield covering the entire frame of the boy who tried to peek over it, fearful and… _Oh my god… My son… How could I do this? Why?_ He had promised himself to be the father his child deserved, to protect him no matter what. And when he looked into those naïve eyes he remembered, and felt hatred. Zola, the Red Skull, HYDRA, his handlers, those who made him what he was, but most importantly himself. _I am a danger to my own child…_ There was only one way out of this.

Everyone watched in disbelief as he fired few shots against the window. It was reinforced. He couldn't… "Oh no." One of them muttered as the Winter Soldier ran towards the glass, his arm ready to break through the surface. And he did.

"Jarvis?" Tony asked, his throat dry.

"Mister Barnes has reached the ground alive and moves away from my sensors."

Tony was already at Pepper's side, trying to wake her. "Hey, you okay?"

She nodded her head and regretted it. "Yeah." She sat up and rubbed her neck before the pain flared in her wrist from having the gun knocked away from it. "Nothing a couple of painkillers won't fix. I'm fine." Then she remembered. "Alexei?"

"Safe and sound with us. But Barnes has taken the shortcut." Tony deadpanned.

"Did he...?"

"No, I don't know how he managed it, but he's still out there."

"We will need Natasha…" Pepper said and showed more foresight than any of the men present currently still staring in disbelief.

"Jarvis?" Tony asked as he helped his lover up.

"I have already transferred the video feed to her phone and notified her of the emergency. As soon as she is able to hear it and act, I have an extraction ready for her."

"Can you track Barnes?" Tony asked his AI butler.

"No, he has taken off his bracelet and avoids most of the cameras I can tap into. It's difficult to follow his movements." A second passed. "I've lost him, but I'll try to scan for facial recognition. As soon as shows his face I'll notify you."

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

"It was all my fault. I should have known they already put triggers words into him the first time they tortured his brain." Bruce held a pack of ice against his temples.

"As traumatic and frightful as this moment was, it helped us a lot." Tony said and pointed at the screen. "You see this? Before one part of his brain shut down and the increased activity in the other areas started there was a very strong impulse originating here. If we now consider this to be the physical location of the memory holding the trigger word, it should be possible to cut the connections."

"Cutting?" Bruce asked, not believing what he heard. "You do know that surgery is…"

"I am not talking about that. Tavor is used to treat traumatic memories so the carriers can live with them. It's not like forgetting, but there is no real emotional reaction. It could cancel out the triggers." Tony seemed very sure in his assumptions.

"Don't you think it's a little bit bold to lump together these two scenarios."

"Yes, but it is basically the same thing. We only need to be truly sure they are gone. Listen to me, since we can locate the exact area it will be easier to concentrate our efforts on it. We put Barnes to sleep first, no matter what, it must be impossible for him to move." He saw the worry in Bruce's eyes but paid them no heed. "Then we stimulate that exact point while giving him the drug. Result will be that the neurons are disconnected from the rest of the brain. We make sure the effect is as strong as possible while also sealing them off, so that nothing can ever bind to those cells anymore at all. In the end the tissue will die quickly since you need to constantly have them connected to an active brain. And just like that the programmed trigger is gone."

"It sound so easy when you say that…" Bruce heaved a sigh.

"We can make it work. Come on, I have done weirder myself. Together we'll find a way."

"Sir, Miss Romanoff has arrived."

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

She shouldn't have left. Damn it. James had needed her and she couldn't be there.

"Where is he?" Natasha wanted to know as she threw down her bags before restocking the weapons she had on her person.

"Off the grit. I think he's hiding. Barnes got his memory back the moment he saw Alexei crying." Clint informed her while they walked back to the balcony.

"How is he?"

"The boy's currently asleep with Pepper watching over him. Shall I fetch him?"

"No, let him sleep while I try to fix this. I have to be fast before James can leave the country. I doubt he already has." She looked at the video feed of him regaining his memories once more before she figured out where Barnes must have fled to in this fragile state of mind.

"You know where he is?"

"I guess."

"Need help?"

"No, that would be a fruitless distraction. I have to persuade him to come back."

"You already know how to?"

Natasha gave him a bitter smile. "I'll make him remember."

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

It was dark outside, rain dropping down onto the rooftop of the stolen car. He had tried to find something to hold on to before the madness overtook him once again. His way had led him to his parents' grave. Solemnly he got out of the car and ventured to his destination while the pouring rain soaked his clothes. It didn't bother the Soldier. _It fits,_ he grimly thought.

It took him an entire hour of staring at the names on the gravestone until he finally opened his mouth. "I am a terrible father. I am a danger to my own flesh and blood."

Silence answered him.

"Today showed me that he is better off without a father like me. Dad, how did you manage this? You've raised me and before my fall I was sure I came out pretty well. "

He could almost hear his father say: _Hang in there._

"I'll leave them today to a brighter future than I can provide." Barnes decided.

"I hope you pay for the child support then." Natasha's voice sounded over the graveyard. "But I'll prefer it if you came back to us."

Barnes instantly went into his fighting stance but didn't move otherwise. He watched how she slowly covered the distance and came to a halt about five feet away from him looking at his parents' gravestone, waiting for his response.

The Winter Soldier balled his fists before growling: "Natasha, you haven't seen what I did there. What I intended to do."

"You held a gun to our son's head." She saw him flinching.

He wiped the fresh tears from his cheeks that mixed with the rain still pouring down on them. "I am a threat to my own child's life."

"But you stopped yourself. You were able to fight through the programming HYDRA put inside you. If only you understood how I see you. This strength, deeply engraved in your being. I need you, James. Now more than ever. And with our help you will get better. We now know what to look out for. Bruce and Tony are already working on how to fix this, to fix you. That's what you wanted, isn't it?" She waited before unleashing her true feelings. "And I... - I don't want to raise my son without his father." she stated with a pleading undertone in her voice. "Alexei will need his father."

"He was walking today." James trembled with all the emotions inside of him.

"I saw." A step towards him, her arms outstretched to hold him if he required it.

"He spoke." He could barely say the words, his throat like sandpaper.

"I heard." Her voice a soothing caress.

"He cried." James went down to his knees.

"You will be there to dry his tears." She was behind him, her umbrella shielding them both while he gripped the earth, digging his fingers into the wet soil.

God, it hurt. It hurt so much to have a form of paradise right beneath his fingertips but a paralyzing fear of destroying that hope overshadowing it.

"Наталья... Я не могу. Хотел бы, но не могу (Natalia... I can't. I wish I could.)"

"Мы сможем это сделать. Вместе. (We can do it. Together.)"

He desperately wanted to believe her words.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah that one hurt. (I hope I got the details right. In hospital you hear a lot about meds and I thought I might put that in but of course modified.) Thank you for your votes about how this chapter would be like. I hope this came true to your wishes. I gave my best ^^
> 
> Those on FFnet who talked to me got PMs with little glimpses. Maybe I'll do it like that this time as well. I could also use another beta since I don't want to bother my current ones all the time with my weird fangirl talk XD I often give glimpses in answers to reviews on AO3 (which doesn't have its own PM option) if they made my heart swell with joy ^^
> 
> For the next one I have a new question. In between my ideas I also had a funny little scene about Natasha remembering a moment with the Winter Soldier which was a little bit more explicit.
> 
> Shall I put that in here for the rest of the scene or shall I leave it out with them returning right away?
> 
> I hope I can finish the next chapter soon but I'll be in hospital again and have no wifi, so it might take a bit.


	19. I won't leave you, my boy - or: Taking risks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha talks him into coming back to the Avengers. While they finally erase the triggers the young boy Alexei surprises everyone with his abilities.
> 
> a lot of fluff and heartbreak, and salvation of some sort, only to be darkened again by a memory slowly unlocking...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So glad I finally found the time to put all these pieces here together. Many parts have already been written ages ago and they didn't quite fit anymore. Took me a while to figure out how to do this. Especially the trigger erase part. I wrote a lot of science stuff in the last chapters about how they would do it and now is finally the time.
> 
> Also, I just LOVE to write about the child. He's so cute in here. When I had the idea (I won't say much now. You have to read it.) my heart swelled with pride. I felt like Nat herself when she saw it.
> 
> Thank you for the reviews. I asked you a question last time and everyone who answered said the same. Put the smut memory in. So here comes a little tease. And since the blockade formed by the triggers is gone, Bucky will remember more, with Natasha's aid. And oh, there will be tears in the end as well when they realise how much their handlers took from them. A little teaser for that is in the last paragraphs.
> 
> No beta again this time and Dectie hasn't answered for the Russian translations, but I think google did a good job.
> 
> Also, I had the weird idea of turning this into an audiobook on my own XD Yeah, sometimes I lose my mind XD
> 
> Enjoy and please review ^^

" _Наталья... Я не могу. Хотел бы, но не могу (Natalia... I can't. I wish I could.)"_

" _Мы сможем это сделать. Вместе. (We can do it. Together.)"_

_He desperately wanted to believe her words..._

Natasha saw she was getting nowhere with his depressive state of mind. "Get yourself back together and quit your whining, Barnes. I already have one baby to take care of." She growled in mock-anger.

"How can you still want me? After all I did to first you, and now our son." His words were barely a whisper. He suddenly felt his wounded leg, the weight of what he had done today a heavy burden on his shoulders. How in the world could he become what she wanted, needed him to be, a good father and affectionate lover? Maybe even a dutiful husband?

Natasha turned her head to one of the smaller, older buildings around them. "A few decades ago we stood on a rooftop just like this. Only there was snow. I came to you with the information I had extracted and waited for you to kill the other target." She saw him trying to remember, failing, the frustration growing. "I gave you a blowjob while you were aiming with your rifle."

Well, that certainly kick-started his memory. "I shot the moment I came... Almost missed the target because of you."

"You certainly didn't try to stop me doing it either way." She saw his grin and relaxed. Well, that seemed to be the way to go. Brutal honesty and that hint of sarcasm. That was the James she knew and wanted.

"As soon as we were back in the safe house I nailed you against the mattress so hard you still had bruises when we came back to the Red Room. They weren't amused and we had to try very hard so they wouldn't find out about us." They had even given each other more, less conclusive injuries to cover what they had done. Which had led to another round of hot sex. How could he have forgotten? The memory made him want her all the more, his manhood swelling with need. But he couldn't...

"I would love to repeat this." Natasha purred, leaning in closer.

A shudder went through his entire frame as he fought down the desire. "I can't, not yet."

"I know. Whenever you are ready. But please, come back with me now. You know it's the right choice." She thought he would reject her as he looked up with sad eyes that had given up hope. Yet then he took a deep breath before reaching for the hand she stretched out for him.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Steve was the first to greet them as they entered through the elevator. "Buck, you're alright?" He eyed the bloody bandages around his right leg.

"Broken bone. Nothing a few titanium screws and plates won't fix." He tried to be funny while the others looked at him warily. "I'm sorry I put you through so much trouble."

Natasha gave them a nod to tell them Barnes was no danger, at least not right now.

Cautiously they came closer, except for Bruce who was fast to take the first step towards him. "It's actually my fault. I should have expected a reaction of some sort. That I stumbled right into a trigger word that got amplified with the drug I didn't see coming." Bruce explained, not even showing an ounce of distrustfulness as he extended his hand to help him inside the medical wing. "Let's get you treated."

"Don't stain my carpet with all that blood. You've done enough damage to my bar." Tony murmured as he watched the drops of red liquid falling. He saw Barnes looking at him, shame and regret in his eyes. "Just... next time, try to use the gym for the fight." That made both men grin. Despite all the dark points where their ways had crossed they at least shared the same humor.

When they were in front of Pepper he motioned Natasha and Bruce to stop for a moment. "I am sorry, Miss Potts. I never meant to..." He wasn't sure how to form the right words.

"I know about your situation and I don't hold any form of grudge. It wasn't your doing, not your mind that decided upon that. Also, you left me alive. Not many can say they survived the Winter Soldier." She was calm, composed. Stark had done a great job at choosing her.

James knew she wanted to sooth him with this, but it only made him wince. "Where is Alexei?"

That was the moment he spotted him peeking around the corner with Hawkeye next to him.

"Barnes, I think we should look at your wounds first of all." Bruce tried to direct him, motioned at the blood soaked clothes that might scare the child even more, but the father would have none of that.

"Alexei, my boy, I am so sorry. Daddy didn't want to frighten you." He reached out with his hand and already expected him to shy away but then the boy ran towards him as fast as his little toddler legs allowed him to.

"Папочка (Daddy)! Daddy stay," the boy demanded as he slung his arms around the uninjured leg.

"I will stay, my boy. I will stay." His voice shook while the mask he put onto his face crumbled until there were tears on his cheeks.

Alexei looked at his mother. "Up!" he ordered which made everyone around them grin.

"Come here, my big boy." She knew James could support himself now with Steve and Bruce's help so she reached for the toddler and pulled him up into her arms. Natasha was glad that the situation hadn't changed Alexei. The boy wasn't scared for life after a moment like this. Their son still knew that there was good in Barnes.

The toddler looked at him, only confusion and uncertainty on his face, not even a hint of dread. "Daddy not go. Right?"

"I won't leave you, my boy." He assured the kid.

"Never?" Alexei asked with his features so trusting and filled with hope and joy James' heart could barely cope.

"Never ever." He hugged both Natasha and his child before they led him to the medical ward.

Patching up a wound like this hurt like a bitch, James decided. Yet still he tried not to show any pain while his son was around, sitting on Natasha's lap who was on a chair next to the injured.

Since the boy was almost clingy Bruce had allowed them to be present but used a sheet to block the view while the boy babbled to his father.

It was weird somehow. Instead of causing a trauma the situation had unlocked a huge amount of abilities in his son. A few days ago he could barely say _mommy_ and now he talked in two or even three word sentences. Natasha seemed to have noticed this as well, smiling at him. Both of them were glad the experience hadn't left a bad mark on the boy. He was just confused by his father yelling at him for no reason, not understanding what a gun could have caused. Once he got old enough and asked them about it they would tell, yet for now all the boy needed was a tight hug and a few soothing words. Unbelievable. But what else could you expect from the son of Winter and Widow?

"Okay, I am almost done here. Considering your abilities the minor cuts will heal within the next day but as for the leg I want the cast to stay on for a least a week. It already started mending while you were gone. Luckily in the right way." Bruce took off the gloves and put away everything he had needed to patch him back up.

"I set it as well as I could. I don't get hurt often but after a few times you know what to do to avoid the doctors punishing you for getting injured in the first place." The Winter Soldier explained sourly.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Six days later James was sitting comfortably on the sofa with his son playing next to him on the carpet. Naturally the Soldier was on house arrest with Jarvis keeping an eye on him until they had helped him against the triggers but that would have to wait. A body still healing could lessen the effect or even endanger him.

He was zapping through the usual channels without finding anything interesting to watch. The biggest part of his attention was on his son anyway. The boy had made a couple more leaps in his development. Logic seemed to be this weeks' favorite. He had started with the wooden toy with holes in the size and shape of the little objects you had to put through, right now he was solving puzzles with 50 pieces. That made James wonder what the boy would do next. And well, the answer came straight away.

"Draw?" Alexei asked him, holding up a few crayons and pointing at Barnes' leg still in the cast.

Where would be the harm in bringing a little color on it? And even if it turned out to be grotesque the thing wouldn't stay on longer than another day. "Of course, Alexei. Draw on it what you like." He saw the boy looking at the crayons around him, selecting one and starting to brush over the plaster with precise strokes.

From this angle the boy's head was obscuring the view, but James relaxed either way. The child wouldn't draw a gentleman's sausage on it, as Stark had suggested when the question of autographs on the plaster had arisen.

"Done." The boy finally said and stepped back.

Before Barnes could even look at it, he heard Natasha's gentle voice from the door. "It matches your eyes, er, I mean your arm." The mistake was intentional of course.

Bucky stared at his son's masterpiece and damn, it _was_ a masterpiece. Drawn on the plaster was a copy of his metal arm, fitted for his leg, each line in darker gray like something that could actually work from the technological viewpoint. Plus... the red star.

"Do you like it, daddy?" The boy asked, now suddenly unsure since his father was merely staring at the drawing.

"It's fantastic, my boy. Magnificent." He flexed his arm to compare the two.

"Your arm is strong. Your leg is hurt, so I draw the pattern, make your leg strong again." It was a child's logic but it was so... astonishing.

Years later they would still have the cast in a box with memories of their children's youth.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Guided by Jarvis Bruce found the Black Widow in the communal living room where Stark had built a playpen in one corner so every Avenger could enjoy the boy's amazing little wonders. He was like a magnet and everyone wanted to give him advices or teach him something. And the boy was a quick learner, surprising them each time. "Nat, if you have a minute, I have been able to finally analyze the drug HYDRA gave you."

"The one that miraculously reversed what the Red Room has done?" That could be interesting. "Give me ten minutes to ask James to look after Alexei, then I'm all ears."

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Natasha studied at the data while Bruce explained it to her. "So you're basically saying it was a super soldier serum powershot?"

Banner nodded eagerly. "Yes, it gave your body the ability to regrow lost body parts to a certain extent. I am not entirely sure if it was also altered to be focused on only your reproductive system. Maybe, if you had lost an arm or a leg before getting it you might have grown that one back too. It's fascinating and I am sure if used correctly and for the good it could revolutionize modern medicine. Of course the backlash of the drug will have to be disabled."

"You mean the dying?" She deadpanned.

Bruce bit his lip, lost in thought about how to solve this issue. "Yeah that."

"You gave me something to counteract the serum." Natasha recalled. "How did that affect the drug? It's sole purpose had been to knock me up once." There was no polite way of saying this.

Banner looked at her with interest. "You want to know if your fertility is permanent?"

"Yes." She had her head turned to the side, watching the city through the huge window. Asking for this meant sharing her heart's desires. But she trusted Bruce enough for this.

The doctor smiled kindly. "I would have to do a few tests to see if your body is releasing the hormones to actually give you a cycle. And if your body is able to produce viable eggs." He knew any kind of medical treatment still took a lot of courage and trust from her side but considering how far some people would go to fulfill their dream of a child she would fight her way through when she was ready. "But I can already assure you that I haven't seen any permanent damage from the c-section we had to perform. You've already healed yet I would advise another examination before you and Barnes try again but…"

"You think he will ever be up for that?" She interrupted him and instantly regretted her words.

Bruce grinned at that question. "Physically?"

Natasha bit her lip. God, only the thought of finally giving in to him, of having this beast of a man on top of her - or beneath - was enough to make her body crave this intimate touch. "You know what I mean."

In the past weeks he had learned a lot about this secret love between the two of them, although the two hadn't even acknowledged it themselves, or to one another. Too fragile was the Winter Soldier's mind. They needed time to repair themselves before even attempting something like love. But the seeds were sown. Well, strictly speaking their physical relationship, although something forced by HYDRA, had already been fruitful. "We will have to work with him until he feels comfortable enough to let himself go."

Fuck, the image in her mind turned her legs to jelly.

"But he has been a prime example of a father so far." Bruce didn't include the misstep they had made with one of the triggers. In his eyes that didn't count. It didn't count in Natasha's eyes either.

"Also, about the trigger issue..." The doctor reached for an old microfilm and also pulled up the images on the screen. "Stark was able to get his hands on this after we realized what to look out for."

Natasha blanched. She knew this writing... "That's..." It wasn't on the pictures, they only held the pages, but somehow she was sure the book's red cover had a black star on it. Suddenly an erased memory unlocked itself and she remembered... James screaming, and a calm voice speaking words that would become engraved in the Winter Soldier's mind.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

After Natasha had explained James about their advances concerning the trigger words she had gone into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

Meanwhile the father had taken his son to bed. Luckily it had been an eventful day for the boy and he was asleep even before James had finished tucking him in. He gave him one last kiss and wished him a good night in Russian before exiting quietly. He had planned to stay up and read through Banner and Stark's new ideas concerning the triggers, of course with the rated T version so to say – nobody wanted another incident - but as soon as he sat down he noticed that the light in the bathroom was still turned on. A frown appeared on his face as he heard Natasha rumbling around in the cabinets.

A few minutes later she exited with a hand pressed to her abdomen, seemingly lost in thought. The mother stopped in her tracks as she became aware of his watchful gaze. "Good night," she muttered and hurried into the bedroom with her cheeks flushed.

That certainly peaked his curiosity. She didn't seem hurt, but something had definitely taken her off guard. The Winter Soldier stood and went into the bathroom in search for anything unusual. Nothing was out of the ordinary, so he began to look closer. She had seemed in pain, so he opened the little bottle with painkillers yet found none of the pills missing. So what...?

Then his eyes saw the telltale bit of plastic hanging out of the waste bin beneath the sink that hadn't been there before. He opened the lid to find a piece of wrapping between the cotton sticks, handkerchiefs and other waste. James had seen this before. When Natasha had recovered from the birth of their son. He wasn't stupid. He knew what a pad was. That she was in need of feminine products could only mean one thing. And now he understood what had troubled her this much.

She had a cycle, which lead to the conclusion that Alexei didn't have to stay an only child. James braced himself against the sink as he felt the primitive desire to prove his manhood by impregnating her again. It would usually only be a quick thought passing as soon as logic returned to his mind, but with HYDRA's drug primal needs got amplified. James felt shame flushing his cheeks as he cupped his erection, now swollen and tenting his jogging pants. The effect of the aphrodisiac wasn't as strong as a few days ago when he had fled under the cold shower, so at least there was a light at the end of tunnel. Now wasn't the time for this sort of thing, especially not for Natasha. But he couldn't fight down the desire. Damn it! James wanted to punch something, preferably the twisted person who had developed this drug.

He tried to walk back into the living room with weirdly spread legs. God, this was so embarrassing. At least Natasha was by now fast asleep in the bedroom, their bedroom. Again his mind wandered back to all the possibilities now unfolding before him. They could have another chance. Alexei was perfect, that was out of the question. But he hadn't been conceived the way Barnes wished he had. Maybe this gave them the opportunity to do it again the way it was supposed to be. Like a young couple madly in love, rutting in every place possible until at last the little test stripe showed them a plus sign. And then he would help her through the nausea, give her back rubs and finally hold her hand through the pain. Maybe they could have a daughter with her mother's perfect looks. Alexei would have someone to play with and watch over as soon as he got old enough to do that.

Sighing he rubbed his eyes and tried to distract him with the report. He wouldn't find sleep tonight anyway.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Natasha stared at the words on the page she was holding. Knowing what they meant for her Soldier, what they could do to him. It felt like touching burning flames. This was a chapter of James' life that was too dark for even his strong mind to handle.

He was fixated to keep him from escaping, sedated to keep him in a state between sleep and wakefulness, but not far enough gone to stop him from listening. Steve was waiting outside, ready to support them in case he broke lose against all odds.

All of them waited patiently until Bruce had finished positioning the probe inside James' skull, ready to disperse the medication right where the trigger words had been forced into his mind to get the best results possible. With Stark's advanced tech and ideas what usually would have been a bigger surgery was now done by a tiny hole in the skull that would, with Barnes' enhanced healing, close right after they pulled out the probe. A few silent moments passed until he motioned Natasha to start.

The Black Widow took a deep breath to steady her voice. Her hands that held the paper shook before she had at last centered herself to do what had to be done. They were helping him. All would be well. She repeated in her head over and over. Then she started reading the words in Russian.

"Желание. (Longing.)"

She saw him flinching in his half-sleep state and held her breath for a second, waiting for another response.

"Ржaвый. (Rusted.)"

A hoarse groan from the Soldier.

"Семнадцать. (Seventeen.)"

She saw him fighting against the drugs keeping him under.

"Рассвет. (Daybreak.)"

The twitches in the metal arm would be strong enough to break lesser bonds, but Tony had made sure there was no option to tear the restraints apart.

"Печь. (Furnace.)"

His face contorted in agony while the instruments sounded in alarm.

"Девять. (Nine.)"

James tried to pry his head free, the muscles in his neck straining.

"Добросердечный. (Benign.)"

Natasha almost wanted to stop as she saw his agony but Bruce urged her to go further.

"возвращение на родину. (Homecoming.)"

The name 'Natalia' left his lips in a plea as he gasped for air. None of them heard it except for her.

"Один. (One.)"

He almost broke free with his inhuman strength. Maybe taking off the arm would have been a good idea...

"грузовой вагон. (Freight car.)"

The Winter Soldier tore open his eyes, pupils blown wide and dark. His breathing came in short gasps before he answered. "Я готов отвечать. (Ready to comply.)"

Natasha felt her heart ache at the sight of her lover in such a state. Memories flooded back to her and her voice was merely a whisper as she said: "Вы свободны, солдат. (You are free, Soldier.)"

The drugs pulled him back under and he gave an exhausted sigh. They had done it, now all they could do was wait whether the produce had been successful or not. On the screens they saw the section which had been flaring red before, now merely glowing in a soft green while the medication worked its magic, disconnecting the tissue from the rest of the brain and finally sealing it off.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

James had awoken slowly. It had taken his exhausted body several hours to neutralize the sedatives. And even now, already sitting in a comfortable chair instead of on the table, it was difficult for him to keep his eyes open. They had disconnected him from most of the machines, although they left a few portable gadgets on to check his vitals.

The moment they had untied him had been critical. None of them knew if the drugs had taken the wanted effect or if, god forbid, they had activated him now fully and he only held still so another escape was possible.

But from the first conscious thought James had known they had been successful. There was a weightlessness in his mind where the triggers had been. It felt strange somehow. As if he had always been subconsciously aware that there had been something forcefully implanted although he had forgotten it every time his mind questioned the weird feelings. But now, since his neurons were no longer connected to it, he could almost physically feel the vile torture that came it with slowly decaying, losing strength and dying.

Steve sat next to him, asking questions of which half of them had been written down by Bruce to test the state of his mind, his intelligence. In case they had hurt and disconnected more than intended. This would have been the Black Widow's job but she had excused herself after they were sure Barnes had been asleep again. No one blamed her for it, noticing her façade crumbling.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

For two hours now the Black Widow had wept in her hiding place inside the tower. She had known this to be a task that took its toll, but she hadn't expected to break down. Yet when the vitals had gone haywire right at the end… If something had gone wrong she might have killed the father of her child, the man she loved. God, she loved him.

Another ten minutes Natasha stayed there, trying to gain the courage to check on him. She hoped he would forgive her for the pain she had put him through. Sneaking into a bathroom without being seen was easy, but seeing herself in the mirror was another thing. Christ, she looked terrible… Usually nothing could break through to her core but this had torn down every barrier she once thought impregnable. Washing her face and putting on new makeup helped her regaining the mask she wore almost all the time.

A short while later Natasha leaned against the wall and finally her heart was beginning to calm down. Her muscles relaxed and she felt how everything was aching. She released a breath she had been holding and massaged her lower belly. A few days ago she had gotten her period which meant that her renewed fertility could be permanent. The thought excited her. After she had spent the last weeks with Alexei she was glad for the possibilities HYDRA had given her. Natasha grimaced. Bruce would want to do a couple more tests to see how it had affected her but somehow the mother knew it already. And she wanted, more than anything else, to give Alexei a sibling to play with. A younger brother he would take care of just like James had taken care of Steve when they had been teens.

She stretched her limbs. Now was not the time to think this far ahead. The main focus was on fixing James so he was again capable of accepting and cherishing the life with his family. Then, slowly she would rekindle their love, strengthening the bond she had with him while they walked on the long way of regaining what had been forcefully taken from them.

The Winter Soldier was still inside the room talking to Steve and she allowed them their privacy. A few minutes later the Captain came out, a hopeful smile on his lips. Time would tell but for now everything had worked out.

Natasha gave Steve a friendly nod and finally entered the room.

Barnes was sitting there, so deep in thought he didn't even hear her. Something was amiss and he had been very skilled at hiding it in front of his best friend.

"James?" she whispered, trying not to startle him.

He twitched violently and looked up at her with sad eyes.

"What's the matter?" She asked and added soothingly. "Everything went well." They would have to do a check next week but thus far everything had gone perfectly as planned. Much to her delight.

His throat was raw as he spoke. "Does the word 'Rose' mean anything to you?"

Natasha looked at him, completely puzzled. "No, not really. Why?"

"It's just..." He was fighting against himself. "A thought. When they worked their little magic I... think I remembered something that got hidden behind the trigger words. As if they had been used to cover up a dark secret that was seemingly grave enough to distract me on missions. Or whatever... Forget it. It might simply be a false memory they had implanted and which got scrambled up somehow." He stood and went back to their rooms to get some rest.

Natasha stared at the spot he had been sitting for a long time, trying to make sense of it. Somehow the rose had always made her sad, but she knew it had nothing to do with the flower. Grave enough to distract someone as professional as him? Maybe... she had been erased more often than she thought previously because somehow... it had to do with both of them…

She pushed the darker thoughts aside and whispered the word, testing it out. A longing that could either lead to heartbreak or love spread across her body. It would be a beautiful name for a daughter...

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You think this audiobook idea sounds… manageable? Would you like to listen to my weird German accent while I read this out loud? XD (No, my accent isn't thaaat strong XD)
> 
> Reading it and editing a little doesn't take nearly as long as the comic I am currently drawing for the fanfic. I have a mic and my midi interface at hand since I record my singing from time to time.
> 
> Please review ^^


	20. A chocolate box to lift your spirits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slight smut, fluff and foreshadowing. Nat and Barnes prepare to share the dream state to get back what they lost. Memories and dreams mixing with James becoming the charmer again. yeah and all that stuff. my imagination had a field trip in this chapter XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks AmayaYoura from AO3 and ButtonPusherExtraordoinare, kalilje, 2781, valevilandra and guests from ffnet for reviewing. Glad you liked it and I hope you enjoyed the preview I sent you.
> 
> None of you answered my question about whether you would approve of the idea of making an audiobook out of this, so I guess that's settled now...
> 
> Originally this chapter should have started with a short introduction and then directly to the shared dream state part, but I guess I got sidetracked, a lot XD
> 
> Slight smut, fluff and foreshadowing ahead, guys.
> 
> The alternative title is "Candy and LSD to lift your spirits" but I found it a little too harsh since drugs are not cool, unless it's a fanfic plot device. XD
> 
> Enjoy and please review ^^

 

**Chapter 20: A chocolate box to lift your spirits**

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

 

They were taking huge steps towards recovering all Barnes had lost. It was incredible how well he reacted to the treatment since they had been able to clear his mind from the triggers. As if he trusted himself more now, could let himself go with the safeguards down. They had also started to use the sensory deprivation tank to dive deeper into the realm of his memories. "What else?" Bruce asked him while checking the monitors.

"I don't know. After that it's mostly black. Something must have happened that made them delete the memory entirely." James sighed in frustration. There was nothing to even start with.

Bruce raised an eyebrow as he read through his notes again, coming to a conclusion. He reached for the button next to the microphone to talk to him. "You can't do it on your own. At least not this part of your memory. You can't connect properly since most of it is wiped from your mind. If you could share the dream state with somebody who has similar memories, that person could lead you."

"Is that even possible? To share it?" His heart rate went up. He knew what Bruce intend to do.

"In theory, yes. We need to get your brainwaves in sync and find a way to make a neural connection. Natasha is the obvious candidate. We now know that the two of you shared a vital part of your past. Tony and I already worked on a few theories and I think they are ready for a test." He sounded proud of his accomplishments which was usually a good sign since it meant he was certain it would work.

Barnes raised one eyebrow, a little unsure of what the science bros had concocted now. "She is doing so much for me already. I don't want her to suffer through the drugs and the entire procedure just because I have a few holes in my memory."

Bruce tried to hide the grin from his spoken words. "I have a feeling she might find it useful."

The Soldier just stared into the blackness of the tank's lid, knowing Bruce could see him on screen with the night vision camera.

"She has a few holes as well although she is very good at hiding that fact. Her teenage and adolescent years are riddled with blanks. That much I could understand from the couple of talks I had with her. That was when we were still mostly working on you. You both have been through similar procedures but Natasha's were... less invasive so to speak. Still, I saw her struggling when it was about you."

"Because it's private," he snarled angrily and didn't quite understand why keeping it this secluded was so important to him. It felt like a treasure he hid well. Of course he knew that they had been on missions and that sex had also been something they had enjoyed, but what he felt deep inside... was a totally different level.

"Yes, and I respect that. But you don't get what I mean. She too has memories she wants back I believe. Natasha rarely drops her mask but I could see..." Maybe he was going too far by telling him this. "... a longing."

James answered him with silence this time. He didn't know how to act now. Risking her health and maybe driving her away with whatever dark secret the two had been forced to forget or... Flashes appeared before his eyes and he felt dizzy. "I guess I'm done for today." He sighed, trying to find a distance to the emotions turning around inside him. "I need some time to think over it."

"Alright." Bruce agreed as he saw the vitals reaching inappropriate levels. He entered a few commands into the keyboard to finish recording and stop the IVs. Then he walked over to the tank and helped him out, disconnecting him from the machines and sensors.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

_She was waiting in his room when he came back from a briefing with their handlers. Her hair still damp from the shower and the nightgown much too big for her. She was still a child, her body had barely started to form womanly proportions. So young. Yet the darkness in her eyes showed how much she had been forced to endure in her short life. There was knowledge, coldness and pain._

_He nodded his head at her while opening his combat vest. They never spoke much when he bedded her, the orders clear enough. The soon-to-be Black Widows had to gain expertise in both fighting and seduction to earn their title. And their personal trainers, the chosen few who had served the motherland well and were able to teach, had the privilege of also enjoying the night with their students._

_He knew they were being watched to analyze the progress the girls made so he wasted no time in ordering her to her knees. His member had hardened the moment he laid eyes on her delicate body but where was the point in teaching when he didn't improve all of her skills? Grabbing a fistful of her hair he made her swallow him whole._

With a gasp James woke from his dream. "What have I done?" The memory faded before he could fully remember, leaving merely the phantom touch of a dream as well as a painful erection tenting his jogging pants. How long could he continue to stand his ground when his body tortured him like this?

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Natasha had just gotten back from a successful mission, her entire body vibrating with the thrill of combat. Back in shape and back in business. She felt alive, invigorated... and horny. The fights had awoken the darker side in her, the Black Widow. And as fun as the battle had been it wasn't enough. She craved more and the easiest way to get satisfaction was... him.

In the first moment she was glad that Barnes was nowhere to be found in their living area. She put her gear onto the couch. A nice warm shower was now her main priority. She didn't want to pick up her son from Pepper with blood still on her skin.

Just as she finished selecting some fresh clothes she heard the bathroom door opening. And there he stood, the solution to all the suppressed feelings inside her, a mere towel blocking her from what she craved right now. Natasha had to avert her eyes and tried to hide her blush.

"You're back early." They hadn't expected her before nightfall.

"Yeah, we had to improvise when Clint's cover blew. Then we had to be quick and effective." She smiled at that.

Her grin went straight to his loins. God, there was this blood lust in her. Something he was sure had drawn him to her even when she was still a young woman in the Red Room. Then he saw the bruises on her neck from strangulation. Somehow his inner, darker self was angry about that, jealous even. He was the only one to put his hands there. James swallowed the feeling down and motioned towards where she had been hurt. "You need help with that?"

"No, I'm fine. I just need a long, hot shower. My back is a little sore, that's all." She stretched and flinched instantly.

"I could give you a massage," he said without thinking and cursed inwardly. Sometimes another part of him resurfaced, something cocky and young, something he wouldn't accept, yet.

"That would be nice," she answered with an honest smile. "But please pick up Alexei first." Natasha had seen him biting his lower lips after offering it. He wasn't ready so the boy would distract them both to drop the idea without making the situation even more awkward.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

" _Why didn't you kill her? It was your order. Yelena has proven unworthy of the program."_

_Natalia didn't answer, merely looking straight ahead with what he thought might have been a slight smile._

_The Soldier reached into his pocket and pulled out something wrapped in plastic, handing it to her._

_With furrowed brows she took it from him and stared at the bright colors. "You are giving me candy?"_

_He merely smiled behind his mask and walked away._

James blinked. Had he been dozing off again? The clock on the wall indicated he had spent a few minutes daydreaming while staring out of the window. Alexei was still napping in his bed and Natasha was currently in Fury's office to debrief their latest mission. There had been no backrub for her thus far.

A sly idea formed in his mind. There were a few ways to lift her spirits. "Jarvis? Where is the next sweet shop?"

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Natasha marched through the lobby, aggravated and in the fierce need of a punching bag. It wasn't HER fault that Clint had blown their cover. One funny remark about her being a mommy with a job was all it had taken. Overheard by the ones they had been shadowing it had lead to disaster. Damn, she was fuming. Fury had wanted a detailed description why their mission had almost failed and well, yeah, that ended in the issue of her now being a mother as well as an assassin.

She quickly calculated her options. Clint was visiting Laura, Steve was out on another assignment and Tony would be a pain in the ass. No way to get it out of her system besides... him... Well, then a mindless training simulation had to suffice, or a couple of minutes in the shooting range.

Passing through the security check she went straight to Stark's private elevator and froze when Jarvis opened the doors for her. There was a side table in the middle with a chocolate box and a note on it. At first she suspected a prank, or a misunderstanding. Maybe Stark had done something that needed apologizing to Pepper. But then she saw who it was addressed to. 'моя маленькая вдова. (My little Widow.)'

She took both items while the doors closed behind her. The chocolate wasn't any random stuff from a supermarket. Her most favorite sweets were among them. Her heart swelled. God, despite all the pain and grief James was carrying with him there was still a young charming man underneath.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

The little present had lifted her mood enough that she didn't mind being summoned by Banner as soon as she entered the top floors. Barnes was nowhere in sight, but that would give her time to find a proper way to thank him for it.

Bruce had opened a couple of tabs on the screens around him as well as balancing a more traditional clipboard on his lap while he explained. "Natasha, to help Barnes, I also need to talk to you. And the topics won't be easy."

The Black Widow almost wanted to answer with _'If you can make him join me in the sheets, I would tell you fucking everything.'_ but she instead said: "You want to know more about the time before he abducted me?"

"Yes." He replied without continuing, trying to urge her to tell what she was comfortable to share.

"What do you want to know? We had fun. It wasn't something a man should do with an inexperienced virgin." Somehow there was a fragment at the edge of her memory... sending a warm shiver down her spine. "And I let him. At first I thought I could turn him around with my skill set, so I gave in. The only real regret is that I simply could not think straight whenever we got intimate. I was selfish, enjoying myself too much."

Bruce suppressed the urge to clear his throat, making his voice sound awkwardly high. "So it was… consensual?"

Her eyes narrowed as she understood what he was asking. "James and I have a wider definition for that word. If you mean he forced me as in rape," she thought about it for a moment, "I have been through worse. And it was never like during the Red Room missions when I was forced to pleasure my target the way my handlers ordered me to. We enjoyed each other. He was not only chasing his own peak. He always made sure both of us got our fun. And at any time I could have stopped him. Also," she chuckled darkly, "it's rare to have someone who can fulfill your wishes, especially those concerning inhuman strength."

Bruce blushed as she told him these secrets. "So you want to continue this relationship."

Natasha grinned, the smile genuine as she tried to hide her face behind her hair. "Oh yes. It feels right, and I can help him." But she was sure he already knew that, only asking to be certain. And to make her say it out loud, so she finally gained the courage to admit it to herself and act accordingly.

"That was my impression as well. You and him share something very rare, and also…" He thought about Barnes' concerns for a second. If she knew they had the option she would instantly agree, for James' sake.

She knew he had a lead to something. "What?"

"How much do you know about your past with him?" He tried to read her, but the mask was firmly in place.

"Not much. I know he was my trainer for a while, but the memory has faded over the years." She said it lightly but there was no point in concealing their physical relationship anymore. Although she thought there could have been more than simple sex, but was this memory real or only wishful thinking?

"To help Barnes I will need to bring his old memories back to the surface. To regain what was lost during the wiping. Most of it is from the time he was working for the Red Room. It is difficult, if not impossible. But he remembers fragments. And to heal him, we need to put them back together."

"What does that mean exactly?" She was getting impatient. Barnes hadn't talked much about failures thus far, only telling stories from his youth with Steve and occasionally confessing about what he had done as the Winter Soldier, seeking salvation in her comfort because she knew how affliction felt.

"You would also be in a tank and under the influence of the same drugs." He said as if disclosing a secret.

"So we share the dream state?" It didn't seem that much of a mystery, more like something scientifically difficult.

"Yes, whenever his memory has holes you might be able to fill them and vice versa. Although I would not advise this right now since you are still breast-feeding Alexei."

Natasha shook her head and gave him a true smile for the first time since they started talking. "He already prefers mush and the weaning period is over." She had been nourishing the boy for longer than usual mothers did nowadays but only because her body hadn't been as quick as his growth.

"If you have any difficulties concerning transitions like that..." He offered but was silenced by her raised eyebrow.

Natasha took great pride in her success as a mother. Also this wasn't something she wanted to discuss with a man even though he had been her doctor so far. She had gotten used to motherhood, excelled at it. And what once seemed impossible was now natural and wonderful. "No, it's fine. Now let's continue with the topic at hand."

"Er..." He opened up a few tabs on the screen. "We need to open up your minds to give you the ability to connect with each other. We can't really do anything from the outside as in receiving data, saving and translating it into a language your brain can decipher and then transferring it over to you. Even with our equipment it simply isn't fast enough. Your own brains have to make the link with the shortest connection we can create artificially." He showed her something that looked like it was hand-made by Stark. Or better: his sadistic side.

"Where exactly will you put that?" She asked with a grimace.

"As close to the brain as possible. Into the back of the neck."

"Into my spine?" Natasha wanted to be sure but she saw his face falling and that was answer enough. "Does it hurt?"

"Once we have given you the chemical cocktail you will only feel a sharp sting when we put it in and we're gonna use a local anesthetic for that as well."

And there came the other thing... "Chemical cocktail? Will it be same drugs you used on James?"

"That and more, a lot more. That's why I asked about Alexei." He pulled up a very long list of medications. "Your minds need to be able to openly receive information and send it. For that we have to rip open your consciousness. Our modified versions of street drugs help with that. I wouldn't advise this as a long term solution, by the way."

"Of course..." Natasha murmured as she looked at the list including LSD, ketamine and other things.

Emotions ghosted over her face and Bruce was sure she was about to decline but then Natasha spoke up. "When do we start?"

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Sleep didn't come easily the following night. Too much was on her mind. From the quiet footsteps in the room next to her Natasha knew James had the same issue. Under the cover of watching over Alexei's sleep he lingered around unable to rest.

Natasha drifted in and out of sleep, her current wishes mixing with past memories until she wasn't sure anymore what had actually happened or what was just her imagination.

" _I am at your service, Sir." -_ _"_ _Call me James."_

The mother jerked awake. What was this?

" _The doctors have given me a pill to make this procedure easier. Should I take it now?" - "No, I don't think you will need that."_

She blinked. The images she had seen in her dream and the reality switched each time she closed her eyes. A windowless cell with a mirror and a simple bed. A spacious room with beautiful interior and a huge, comfortable bed.

" _So sensitive… No, my dear, lean into it. Doesn't this feel good?"_

Natasha felt a ghost-like touch on her breasts. Her body responded, arching into it. Blazing heat spread in her lower belly.

" _Look at yourself."_

She whimpered, biting her lip as two fingers slipped between her thighs. Hearing the Soldier say these words brought back a picture of her younger self, bare and vulnerable to his skillful touch. In the corner of her eyes she could see her mirror image kneeling with a male hand working its magic on her virgin body.

" _Oh, you are so wet…"_

Natasha could barely contain the groan as her own fingers changed from caressing touches to forceful thrusts. But it was not enough. She needed more.

" _You're big." -_ _"_ _Don't worry. I will prepare you."_

Her body shuddered in excitement and fear. God, she had been terrified, hadn't been able to grasp the concept of sex at her young age. None of the girls had been prepared for their Virgin Night, leaving them to the terror ignorance could cause. Their trainers had been allowed, even ordered, to brutalize them, to make them hate it, so they would find a twisted pleasure in torturing their mate before the kill, savoring the death blow more than any orgasm could. Yet her first night had been different.

" _The Red Room isn't gentle." - "But I am, when I want to be."_

Natasha remembered her body falling into bliss, climaxing, right before he invaded her, spreading her, tearing her open and mixing pleasure and pain in equal parts, working her through it until he let himself go, flooding her womb with his seed.

A breathless moan left her lips as she came.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

When Natasha arrived James was already sitting on the table while Bruce attached sensors to his body. The Soldier was able to hide most of his emotions from the outside world but for her he was easy to read. James was scared, for several reasons. On one side there were aversions to everything labeled experiment or test, of everything they had forced upon him over the years. And since his eyes met hers there was even more. He feared for her safety.

Natasha gave him a reassuring smile before she hopped on one of the examination tables. "Sorry, I'm late but Alexei just didn't want to let go when I dropped him off at Pepper's office."

"Oh, don't worry. We are still setting everything up." Tony turned away from a monitor and grabbed a gown for her as well as a second set of sensors. "As much as I would like to watch this I am sure Barnes would tear me in half if I enjoy the show too much. You can change over there for more privacy." He wanted to brighten the mood a little with a joke but as usual it failed and made the Soldier even more uncomfortable.

Natasha forced a laugh. "I am sure Pepper has trained you well enough. Also I came prepared." She waited until Tony had turned towards his screens again and glimpsed at James and Bruce. The doctor was well and truly in his element while Barnes sat there uncomfortably. They were just working on getting an IV into him which got more and more difficult with each treatment although his body healed quickly. Natasha saw how much he had to concentrate not to hit Banner so she tried to distract him a little bit.

Bucky stiffened as he watched Natasha lifting her shirt to reveal the plain sports-bra and her flawless skin. Well, not entirely flawless. The scar on her shoulder from their recent fight in D.C. wasn't old enough to have disappeared by now. Above her waistline was the bullet wound he had given her in Odessa. A mark that would never fade. And he hated himself for those. Another life he'd killed and another person who got hurt because he had fulfilled his mission. While his mind replayed those moments in the heat of Odessa Natasha had turned to the other side, putting down the shirt and opening her jeans to reveal yet another scar. The cut she had to endure to have their baby was fading but still visible. And as she leaned over to get out of the trousers there were lines appearing and disappearing on her lower abdomen. They were barely visible, only to the trained eye, but they were there and they marked her as a mother. The mother of his child. The urge to kiss her skin was overwhelming and he felt his body responding and hated himself for his desires. He was instantly pulled away from his thoughts when Banner attached the IV drip, releasing the drugs.

"Alright, we're gonna numb your necks now with an anesthetic." Bruce announced as he saw Tony attaching the sensors to Natasha's upper body and head before putting in an IV and connecting the drip.

James didn't even blink as the needle injected the fluid but Natasha saw him struggling internally. He kept looking in her direction for mental support, to keep himself steady.

The mother was next to receive the injection and she shuddered as the two scientists prepared the metal probes that would link them.

"Ready?" Tony asked.

"This is a payback for all the stuff we destroyed during our brawl, right?" James' voice was shaking.

Natasha sat close enough to reach for his hand and he didn't reject the comfort she was offering.

"One, two, three."

The Winter Soldier inhaled sharply as the pins went into his spine. He took a deep breath to steady himself, to fight against his instincts to lash out. He tried to concentrate his focus on Natasha again while she braced herself now as well. A reassuring smile was all he could give her as the rod invaded her neck.

She fell over with a groan and fought against a wave of nausea. God, this felt horrible. But just as promised the stinging pain subsided quickly and she was able to take a shallow breath again. "If this works, I expect you to find a better solution for the connection, Stark." She felt terribly ill and the world started to blur around her as she lifted her head again.

Tony seemed to notice this. Barnes though looked ready to go. "Okay, let's give Red a minute before she pukes into the tank. You're sure you haven't already knocked her up again?"

"Stark!" Natasha growled and braced herself against Banner. The drugs were already affecting her and since she wasn't used to them like James was by now, she had a hard time keeping her breakfast down.

"Barnes, you can already make yourself comfortable in the tank. We'll calibrate the sensors." Bruce tried to clear the tension while also reaching for a vial with something that would help Natasha get through it more easily. "This will keep the nausea at bay."

Everything was lost in a dark fog as she felt hands guiding her into the tank. Time turned into a more flexible construct of measurement while she listened to the reassuring voices of the scientists. Then suddenly everything went dark around her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think ^^
> 
> No time for beta and I am sure I missed a lot of mistakes I saw on my phone but didn't find again in the doc file on the computer. So if you see anything incorrect, tell me ^^
> 
> Please review, that would really make my day (night). Got an important day tomorrow. *scared*


	21. Ballet. Cold. Karpov. Forceps. Rose.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha and James finally manage to share the dream state and remember a very intimate moment which raises more questions than answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the support I got for the last chapter. It won't be long now and you all get the candy you deserve for waiting so patiently. *evil smile* Smut, fluff, the reason why the name Rose is so important and more kids.
> 
> Enjoy and please review ^^

  **Chapter 21: Ballet. Cold. Karpov. Forceps. Rose.**

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Clint entered the lab with a couple of coffees in his arm. Natasha had told him that they were trying something new to help Barnes, but he hadn't expected to find both of them in the tanks when he came back from visiting Laura and the kids.

The two scientists gave their thanks as they eagerly reached for the caffeine. They knew the archer was clever enough to come to a conclusion about the procedure as he looked around, scanning the screens. "So, how are they? Is it working?"

"Not yet. We had to heighten the doses a few minutes ago and expect some results soon." Bruce explained.

"If they were less pig-headed," Tony started but a sharp look from Bruce let him falter, "strong-minded, they would be able to let go more easily and get in sync." He motioned for the screen in the middle, showing their brainwaves over one another, still far from similar. The engineer swallowed a gulp of coffee before relaxing back in his chair.

"Can't you help them somehow?" By now he had finished reading which drugs and how much of them was currently flooding the two assassins. Was it really worth this much damage to the body? Yes, both of them were enhanced but the side effects could still turn out to be catastrophic.

Bruce heaved a sigh before sipping his coffee. "We have to minimize distraction, so no, not really."

"I think I got an idea. Is that mic working?" Clint asked.

Bruce nodded. "Just push the button next to it to speak."

The archer cleared his throat and sat down on one of the empty stools next to the scientists. "Hey, folks, this is Clint. I decided I might kick start you a little. Gonna ask you a couple of questions. Some of them might be hurtful. You're fine with that?"

Barnes quickly nodded. "Yeah, go ahead." There wasn't much dignity left for him anyway. He had exposed himself to the Avengers now and they had accepted him. Trust wasn't something he gave lightly, but in this moment it could only be of use.

Natasha didn't seem to have heard him. She left them waiting for a reply.

"Sorry, Nat's too far gone with all the drugs." Bruce explained after half a minute of silence while also broadcasting into the tanks for the Soldier to hear. "We might need a few sessions for her to sort of acclimatize with the set up."

"What about Barnes? With the connection he can remote start her memory. He has opened enough already and unlocking is easier for him. His subconscious is working in our favor."

The last words confused the archer. "How do you know?"

"He talks in his sleep..." Natasha muttered and suddenly started to giggle. "He can't remember it and I often thought about telling him, but well... never the right time."

"Nice to hear from you, Red. Having a nice trip?" Tony joked but also tried to distract Barnes from the meaning of that statement. The negative effect of it was clearly visible in his vitals, almost grave enough to abort the experiment.

"The vertigo is quite a punch in the guts." Natasha slurred.

"Okay, guys, back to the topic. You can argue about the pros and cons of drugs after we finish this session. I don't want you under any longer than necessary. Clint?"

The archer nodded and leaned in closer to the microphone. "Let's start with something nice. Think about something you cherished during that time you were both in the Red Room."

"As if there was anything..." Stark murmured, entirely unconvinced.

"Ballet." Natasha whispered and at the same time a section on her brain scan was lit brightly.

Barnes stayed quiet and swallowed. He wanted to say it, wanted to say her name, but he kept quiet. Yet when Clint urged him toward an answer he quickly said: "There wasn't anything."

"They are still too far away." Bruce put his coffee down before starting to write something on a post-it and sticking it onto another screen where he had a still image from the moment Barnes had answered. 'He is lying.' with an arrow next to it, pointing at a specific section of the brain scan that indicated he had used his creativity to come up with an answer instead of saying the truth.

Clint sighed in annoyance but decided not to push him. "Okay, then something you disliked."

"The Cold." Natasha and James said in unison.

Tony arched an eyebrow. "Hmm, better." He watched as Bruce adjusted something by typing in some commands.

Clint bit his lip before finally coming up with the next question. "What caused you the most unbearable pain, both physically and emotionally?"

"Karpov." Barnes said with a grimace. That man truly combined all of the mentioned points.

Nothing on Natasha's side reacted to that. She still seemed to find a fitting answer when suddenly it was all so clear. The Graduation Ceremony. The moment they had taken the last thing from her that had defined her as human, turning her into a monster. The fear she had felt while being strapped to that table, vulnerable, prone and at their mercy. Hands touching her without giving comfort as she was invaded by the hard and cold metal of the... "...forceps."

James inhaled sharply, a tremor running through his entire body as his brain seemed to respond. "Rose." Bucky whispered and suddenly his monitor spiked. A millisecond later Natasha's did as well. The lines after that were much closer to one another, converging more and more with each breath they took.

Natasha's face on the screen showed tears on her face, rolling down and mixing with the salt water. There it was again. That word _had_ to mean something important for both if them. But what? She couldn't recall.

Banner turned off the microphone before speaking. "That was good. I think we should give them a few moments. The medication is now doing its job. That was great work, Barton."

"Yeah, I made them cry... Wonderful." Sarcasm was dripping from his voice but at the same time he also seemed pleased that there had been a result.

"Let's try to direct them to a happier memory once we got them going in sync. Shouldn't be long." He pointed at the heartbeats that were also starting to fall into the same rhythm.

A few minutes later the computer analysis was giving them green light for the next step. Bruce activated the mic again. "Your brain waves are now identical. We will conjure up a memory next. I want the two of you to think about something you enjoyed. Don't force anything into a certain direction, let yourselves drift. Think of it as a vast, dark sea. The stream will guide you toward each other. It will get brighter the closer you are. There might be objects around you. Take them with you. Later you can put all the pieces together like a puzzle and the shape of the memory will become tangible."

In Clint's ears that sounded very abstract but for a drugged mind it was somehow fitting.

Barnes felt something touching his foot beneath the water's surface. It seemed to follow him, coming closer, getting bigger. His first instinct was to fight it, fear surging up inside him, but then he realized what it was. His back hit the sheets of a bed.

Natasha noticed a light source approaching her. It didn't have a clear shape at first but then it illuminate the dark mist around her enough to see. An old fashioned lamp was drifting toward her and when she gingerly touched it with her fingers it seemed to follow her.

Over time both of them collected more and more. Barnes had slowly started to materialize a floor beneath him. He was the earth, grounding the dream, making it touchable. Natasha was drifting across the air, collecting light sources and noise. She illuminated the memory, filling it with life.

In the real world the concept of time was much more concrete – and annoying. After over half an hour the monitor flared with a warning light.

"What is happening?" Clint asked in confusion when he saw the monitors spiking randomly.

"I don't know." Bruce looked from one screen to the other, trying to make a sense of this. "But I think it is working. They share the memory."

Tony used the microphone to talk to them. "Barnes? Romanoff? Can you tell us where you are?"

"In a safe house somewhere in Moscow." The video feed on Natasha showed that she was looking around with her eyes closed.

"I remember," James' voice seemed strained. "You got hurt during the mission, it was one of our first together. I took care of your wounds and then..."

Natasha gasped softly while her heart rate went up.

"Is that normal?" Clint asked Bruce who shrugged.

"It could be a physical reaction to the pain she remembers." The doctor answered.

"What then?" Tony asked them over the microphone.

The video feed on Barnes showed him moving, snarling, before a breathless moan left his mouth.

"Oh," Tony exclaimed with his brows raised high. "Interesting."

"What? What is?" Clint wanted to know.

Natasha gave a keening sigh while she turned her head, exposing her throat. "James…" She moaned.

"Oh, okay… Got it. Well. We did know they already had a physical relationship long ago."

"The phrase 'Get a room.' comes to my mind. You think we can... give them a few minutes of privacy?"

"I could turn the video and audio feed off if that is what you mean. Sincerely, I don't want to interrupt them now. It is finally working. We can still follow the progress with the brain scans. They should show a decrease in activity when it is... safe to eavesdrop again. Dream time is faster although it is slowed in our case because of the drugs we added so we can more or less talk to them in real time."

A loud groan from Natasha made all of them look to the screens again. Whatever James was doing with his mouth and tongue was... quite explicit.

"Turn it off." Clint ordered and Bruce followed the command instantly.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

_Far away from the present, in a time long forgotten yet recently recovered were two lovers cherishing one another. He was gentle, mindful of the wounds on her body. Kissing the pain away until every nerve in her was forced to transmit pleasure instead of agony. He lifted her up higher and higher but didn't give her release yet. As soon as she was close he continued by caressing every inch of her skin, keeping her on the edge until she begged for him to finish it. And he did._

_~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~_

Clint came back with a party pizza just as the screens finally showed a change. "Is the rated M stuff over?"

"Seems that way... God, how long was that? Barnes must be one hell of a lover..." Tony merely shook his head at that, grinning widely. "Guess if he can go so long without it while being the Winter Soldier for decades, his cock makes up for not being used by hosting a real smut fest."

"If the answer to this question is a 'yes' I don't want you to reply to it." Clint inhaled deeply before asking. "Is the body reacting physically to what they dream about?"

"As in... climaxing?" Tony chuckled and continued typing. "I think I'll give Bruce the honors of cleaning the tanks."

"Oh, come on, man..." The situation was so absurd Clint could only laugh.

"I'm gonna neutralize the drugs now. In a few minutes we can let them out." Bruce announced, trying to change the subject. This would be weird enough for the two assassins without people joking about their sex life.

Natasha was the first to show some motion so they started by helping her. She was dizzy at first, unsure of why everything around her was so wet and dark. Instinct took over and panic gripped her. "Get me out. Out!" Natasha gasped as arms pulled her out of the water. Her breathing was rapid and her body still trying to cope with the drugs in her system.

"It's alright, Natasha. We got you. You're in the lab in Stark's Tower. Try to stay calm while we disconnect you." Bruce explained soothingly as they maneuvered her onto a chair and carefully extracted the probe from her spine.

As soon as the main source of her discomfort was gone she tore at the cables herself.

Bruce performed a few quick checks on her. The neutralizers worked perfectly. Within a minute her body had finished dissolving the most of the drugs.

Clint handed Natasha a towel for her hair and draped a bathrobe over her shoulders to keep his friend warm until she returned from her high.

"I'm gonna let out Barnes now." Bruce announced as he walked over to the other tank from which he heard a knocking sound.

Once the Black Widow realized what he was doing she was already on her feet. "I need some fresh air."

"Nat, in your current condition I would advise you..." Before Tony could finish objected she had already stormed out the door.

"I'll go after her." Clint offered and prepared to rush out as well when Tony stopped him.

"Take the rest of the pizza with you. If she can keep it down, it'll help her return to normal from the drug trip." Stark handed him one of the boxes that still had content before turning toward Barnes' tank as well.

Two minutes later the shivering form of Bucky was sitting on a chair while he tried to understand what had happened. Too absorbed in the new questions he didn't even notice Bruce checking his pupillary light reflex, pulse and blood pressure.

Tony meanwhile worked at analyzing the data they had gotten from the scans. "Bruce, you won't believe this. The session has reactivated all the parts of the brain that had been locked before."

"That means they can reach it as soon as something triggers the memory. Wow. That worked better than planned." Bruce shifted to get a glimpse as well before continuing writing down some notes about James' vitals..

"A few places are still closed off but I think over time they can be reconnected as well. Run a calculation on how the drugs can affect the progress of recovery. Maybe we won't even need them anymore." A wide grin was all over the mechanic's face.

Bucky could barely hear them boasting about the results. His mind was focused on the hours he had just remembered as clear as they had happened yesterday. At the same time he felt the need to change his boxers as quickly as possible. A blush spread on his cheeks as his body slacked into the chair. He wished Natasha was there so they could talk about what just happened but she was nowhere in sight.

"I know the situation has been a little bit awkward, but so far our experiment is a success." Bruce told him as he finished tidying up the equipment.

"Awkward?" Steve asked them curiously as he entered. "That would explain why Natasha rushed past me like that."

Bucky's heart sank as he heard his friend. "Did she look angry?"

The others sensed that they needed a moment in private. There wasn't much left anymore that needed immediate attention, so the scientists excused themselves to leave into an adjourning room and protocol their progress.

"Well, I wouldn't say that..." Steve didn't want to use the word 'desperate' so he stayed silent and watched the others leaving the room. "So, how did it go? What did you see?" He asked after they were alone in the lab.

"We remembered a night in Moscow where we... rested after an assignment. Natalia was hurt and after I patched her up we had a little bit of fun." He cracked a smile.

"And with fun you mean fondueing?" Steve was uncharacteristically open to the subject. Maybe Sharon had finally approached him... But that would be a question for later.

James gulped, a tremor going through his body as he felt himself respond to the memory. "Yes."

"I don't see why that is a bad thing. It was consensual and, as far as I can see, a pleasant memory."

"I am just afraid that maybe... Natasha and me..." He didn't know how to phrase it.

Steve raised an eyebrow. "You fear this might make your relationship more complicated?"

"Yes." Defeated, rueful.

Against all his virtuous upbringing he just had to ask. "How did the memory end?"

"Excuse me?" Bucky seemed dumbfounded by this question,

"Right before you woke up. What did you do?"

Barnes stared into the distance for a short moment before a wide grin spread over his face. "I ate her out." It didn't bother him saying it out loud. All of them had heard that the shared dream state had replayed a sexual encounter. But he wasn't sure how Natasha felt about it.

Steve was so surprised by Barnes' choice of words that sounded so like... Bucky.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Natasha had fled to the shooting range when Barton had been able to track her down.

"How did it go?" Clint asked her leaning against the wall while she prepared her gun. He remained mindful of her movements but there seemed to be no trace of the drugs left in her. She was controlled outwardly, yet on the inside... Well, she tried to gain that control again by doing something she was good at.

"Exactly as planned."

"So what's bothering you?" He put the pizza on the table.

"I need it." She simply said.

"What?"

"Sex. James is like a drug around me and he doesn't even notice!" It was the first time she openly expressed her current conflict. "I want him and I know any advances will make him run away. It's frustrating."

"Ever tried talking to him? Asking him?" He suggested as if that was _so_ easy.

"He doesn't want me near him when he sleeps. He can't stand my touch for long and whenever he sees too much naked skin he flees before his cravings – fueled by the drug HYDRA gave him – get the better of him instead letting me help him. I think he is almost glad that I finally stopped breast-feeding so he doesn't have to watch me do it."

Clint began to chuckle yet said nothing.

She emptied her ammo on the target before snapping at him. "What?"

"You know the whole situation would be the perfect plot for a chick-flick. If the two of you would just open your mouth and TALK about it." He wildly gesticulated for emphasis.

Natasha shook her head while reloading the gun. "I won't tell him anything. What if he doesn't feel the same way? He was ordered by HYDRA to do what he did. I don't want to force the father role upon him if he thinks he has to."

He just wanted to hug her right now but with an armed weapon this was a bad idea. "Tash, you really don't get it, do you? He will do anything to make you and Alexei happy because he wants to, not because he feels obliged. He's so scared to hurt you that he suppresses his own feelings."

"That's a lie." Her voice was more deadly than the gun in her hand.

"You think so?" He leaned forward and cocked an eyebrow. "Why don't you just go ahead and give it a try?"

"I will not ruin what could be because I am impatient and horny as a teenager." She angrily countered and fired at the target once again until it lacked both head and cock. Once the thoughts had stopped spinning in her head and the echo of the shots had faded away the Black Widow finished forming a more mature response.

But Clint was already gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it ^^ Please review. If you have questions or wishes please tell me. Also, if you ask about something specific that I have already written, I will give you a preview as answer. A lot of those are already in the reviews on AO3 if you wants spoilers. ^^


	22. You have me at your mercy, you little minx

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Nat and Buckly remember they have to fight their feelings, until it's unbearable and...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who reviewed. Damn, i think I gave more insights and previews in my answers than I wanted. Don't look at recent answers on AO3 if you don't want spoilers. XD
> 
> Credit for translation goes to my Russian friend again. I wrote this section of the chapter a long time ago and damn, it was hard to fit in but I think I have a proper conclusion here.
> 
> Sorry for not being able to post at Christmas. I wasn't fine with what I did. But now I am closer. Hope you enjoy.
> 
> If you find mistakes, grammar or logic, please tell me. I need the input for my audio book.
> 
> But for the long wait for this one here I give you extra length ^^

**Chapter 22: You have me at your mercy, you little minx**

 

Clint's mood had lifted once he had gotten Natasha's confession. Chances were high his bet with Sam would turn out in his favor. The weird couple had until the end of the week before he would lose. He came back to the lab to share the news. "Nat's okay. Just a bit jumbled. She's wasting a few bullets on paper targets. So there shouldn't be any threat to us."

Tony nodded in agreement. "Jarvis, keep tabs on her."

"Yes, Sir." The AI announced.

Clint turned towards Steve and Bucky behind the glass walls. "What are they talking about?"

"Probably how to court a woman going by Rogers' flushed cheeks." Tony put on a mock-angry face. "You know it's unfair to cheat in a bet, right? No outside influence."

"Well, since you said they would end up in bed last week, you already lost. Now it's between Wilson and me." Stakes were high and he wanted to win.

"Chatting with Red about sex with Winter is still cheating. You only want them to start fucking within this week so you tried to talk her into it."

"No, I think I did the exact opposite." Clint mumbled.

"Oh, so you DID cheat." Tony pointed his finger at him.

Clint made a defensive gesture. "Wasn't my intention. I just can't stand the two lovebirds drooling over one another all the time."

"Yeah, they really should get over with it, fast." The mechanic grunted in annoyance.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

The Captain blushed at the question and started biting his lip. "Which answer do you want? The one from me as a friend, as Captain America or as a normal man?"

Barnes chuckled. "All of them so I can take my pick?"

Steve sighed. "As a friend of the two of you I can only urge you to explore the relationship further. You are both fucked up."

"Language." Bucky threw in and earned a raised eyebrow from Steve.

"You have been toyed with and used in more ways than I can even imagine. And you both deserve the happiness you can give each other. You fit, like a puzzle." With the similarities in their past they could help one another. Natasha was already further along her road of redemption and able to guide him on the right path as well, making it easier for him. Especially since she had forgiven him for what he had done to her.

Barnes couldn't deny the truth in these words so he only nodded and urged him to continue.

"As the Captain, well..." He put on his most stoic expression which instantly crumbled. "Make her an honest woman and take care of your family. You are not out of the woods yet. HYDRA might still be after your son. As your Captain I would ask you to join me on my path of getting rid of the evil so your family can live in peace. Two men against the monsters of the world so that their beloveds would never have to face any danger."

"Natasha might disagree there." He returned sourly. Not because of Natasha. He adored watching her fight. But the mention of what threatened the safety of those he held dear was like a sharp knife pressing against his neck.

"Yeah, she's always in on the action. Which brings me to my opinion as a man." He prepared his words much more carefully this time but failed. "She's one hell of a woman. And I speak from experience here."

The Winter Soldier's eyes were a piercing, cold blue. "Wait, what?"

"Don't worry. Remember the time I told you about how we ran from the Strike team? The kiss had been a deception to fool them," well, and innocent flirting of course, "but it gave me an idea of how much there was beneath the surface. Natasha has so much more love in her than she gives herself credit for. She can wrap her enemies around the pinky, but when she actually means it... Her lover would be a very happy man. Also, she's probably the only woman on earth you can sleep with without being afraid of seriously damaging her in the more heated moments."

"Speaking from experience again there?" He just had to ask.

Steve gave him his best 'You know what?' expression before continuing. "And for her it's also a plus since she can let herself go as well."

He would love to see and feel that. When he had been ordered to, the sex had been merely a mission he enjoyed physically to a certain degree, but doing it because they liked and enjoyed it, deciding to be intimate, was a totally different level. Was there a better way to revel in his new found freedom? His libido awoke at the mere thought. He might need a cold shower again once he returned to his rooms.

"So, abridged version..." Steve tried to find the right phrasing.

"Go get her before it's too late?" Bucky offered with a smile that somehow looked pained. Despite everything he couldn't see himself worthy.

"Precisely." The Captain exposed his teeth in a wide grin.

Even though all this sounded logical he still had his doubts. "But what if she's not ready yet?"

Steve smacked him on the shoulder. "Believe me, she is."

"And what if I'm not ready?" He asked hoarsely, his voice more insecure than he had intended. His body begged to differ but his mind was still too brittle to withstand this many emotions.

The Captain mustered him for a few moments. "Guess it's time to find that out."

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Right before noon Natasha had calmed down again. What they had remembered was a thing of their past, stolen by the cruelty of HYDRA and the Red Room. It was a pleasant memory, more than just pleasant. She blindly wanted to cling to this little perfect moment. James had given her so much that night. And more than anything she wanted to repeat it. But the father of her child was not ready yet and she could barely fight down the anger toward the people who had shaped him that way, destroying a man who was able to give so much. She couldn't force him to be that way despite knowing it was the right course for him. But she could offer him options, as many as he needed. And damn, he needed many...

After asking Jarvis about Barnes' location she had quickly picked up her son from Pepper and gone back to her rooms to prepare something to eat. The pizza had helped against her own hunger but the boy and James with his even faster metabolism required nourishment as well.

She stretched herself to reach the upper shelf when her body seized. Flashes made her vision blur and a nausea overcame her. She held on to the counter as the world ceased to exist and a new reality took its place. Natasha could hear a low male purr behind her as someone's arms embraced her. He whispered something but it was hard to make out. Then she smelled his dark musky scent. James…

"Don't worry. Just a little bit longer and it's over. You are almost ready for the last step."

What was he talking about? She could feel an exhaustion draining all the strength from her limbs as she collapsed into his arms. Her body hurt as if acid and not blood was coursing through her veins. Was it the Red Room's version of the Super Soldier serum that was tormenting her this much? That might be an explanation for his words. But then why did she somehow fear the last step this much? It meant that the pain was over, right? One way or the other. Memories of how she suffered through the months of transition came back to her.

James had been her anchor during that time. Despite being the one who brutally trained her in between the injections he had been the only person to show her some form of kindness. To hold her, to… Yes, the sex had been a part of the training. Had the Soldier been her first?

Everything started to blur again. Her hopes, her past, her imagination, facts and false memory probably implanted by their handlers. She didn't know what was true but soon the Black Widow would be able to fight through this battlefield and regain what had been taken from her, from them.

Finally the mist lifted from her and she was back in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and breathing heavily. Somehow she felt hollow now, empty and cold. Lost in thought she finished the meal and set it on the table waiting for James to arrive as well.

Alexei's language and motoric skills had improved during the last week. Banner had told her he was already above normal kids his physical age. He was learning quickly, solving problems with the efficiency of a ten year old. He was already able to access simple panels despite not being taught how to read yet.

Natasha's attention was focused on the toddler but she could see James quickly entering in the corner of her eyes. And his walking style was telltale. She chuckled as he sneaked into the bathroom. Oh, poor Bucky… He still didn't understand what she was offering him. He still only saw the damage he had done to her body and her soul. It was not as if she herself simply had forgotten about it all. She merely looked at it from a different angle.

If HYDRA had never chosen her to be the mother of a new generation of super-soldiers, she would never have had Alexei. If the Winter Soldier had not been the one to father the children, he would still be out there killing for the wrong reasons, or being frozen until his services were required.

And the sex… James might still believe that whatever he did to her was pure brutality and only to complete the mission. But due to the training given to her by the Red Room, although she was just starting to remember the details, the Black Widow was used to the darker pleasures. And with James it had felt… good. She could have fought him in earnest and won, or at least gotten control again. But she'd chosen to merely battle for dominance when the need arose. He had been brutal, but that was mostly centered around the time HYDRA had used this super-viagra on him. And yes, it had been exhausting, but in hindsight, fun.

She knew he was capable of so much more than only mating for procreation. The question was: Did he trust himself enough to accept what they could give one another?

A few minutes later James emerged from the quick shower. At least he had gotten his body under control again and with Alexei around there was too much distraction to fall prey to the same issue, hopefully. Was it pure luck that his body had obeyed more quickly this time? Did the virility drug's effect finally decrease or was it because he had gotten some form of satisfaction while being under? Maybe the dream like state he had been in had dulled the effect. James didn't know but he was glad his need had quieted down.

They didn't know how to even start the topic they both desperately needed to discuss now so they used Alexei as a buffer until they had sorted out their arguments. Lunch was a tense affair while they gave their best to remain calm and entertain their child. Although they were both sure he was able to sense something even at his young age. Once the boy was in his room playing with some new toys the two had no other valid option to avoid talking.

Natasha sighed in surrender as she finally started. "James… What we remembered there… We should talk about it."

He grimaced, his expression more tortured than she had even seen. "I can't… I wish I…"

The Black Widow inside her saw a target she could now easily manipulate, a person who was on the point of breaking under the weight of his emotions, but she didn't take advantage of his vulnerability. "It's okay." She reached for his hand and was glad he didn't pull away.

He just stared out of the window in shame. Why did it have to be so difficult? James hoped she would give something away now, tell him about her feelings, but she remained silent as well, only a blush on her cheeks. "I need to work through all the things in mind first."

"Yeah, I'm sure you have a new load of stuff in there now." She chuckled humorlessly, feeling quite the same. Some memories were starting to come back but they were still hazy. It would take a lot of time.

They listened to their child playing in his room which brought back another topic. What Steve had said about HYDRA still being a threat to their son was something far easier to discuss than the feelings boiling inside of the two. It was similar to planning a mission which in this case was to keep their offspring safe and sound.

"It won't be long until Alexei is old enough to go to school. I'm not sure how we should handle this. He needs to socialize with other children at some point but his quick growth will make it impossible for him to stay in the same class for more than a few weeks, maybe a month." Natasha argued and James could only agree.

"Yes, he would be seen as different and feel that way, no matter how we try it. As well as the issue of how to hide this unusualness from the public. The news would be all over him, scientists and military quickly finding interest in him." The thought of his son being experimented on brought him to the edge.

He was right and she had to fight every motherly instinct in her. "But we can't keep him locked up until he is almost an adult either. Alexei will need contact with normal people to not feel alienated from other humans."

"But trading in protection for normality?" He ground his teeth.

Natasha sighed. "Well, if we want to find a middle ground we should start soon. Damn, James, the boy hasn't left the tower at all since the day he was born. He only knows these walls in here. The farthest he has gone outside was the balcony for Christ's sake."

Bucky swallowed hard as he thought about it. "All we wanted for him was a normal childhood, a life without all the brutality we had experienced. And what did it lead to until now? We locked him away from the world." Just like HYDRA would have done except for the training he would have gotten there.

"He won't be recognized in any form. So at least a walk in the park isn't something impossible." James argued.

"Yeah, but I am too high-profile now to go outside unnoticed since my past is all over the internet. And my public appearances at the trial didn't help either." She sighed in defeat. "Might have to wear a disguising face mask then."

"Look at it from this angle: At least it's an option." Suddenly the thought excited him, lifting his mood. "The last time I was in Central Park with Steve the people recognized him but not me. So I should be okay without a disguise. We could appear just like any other normal family, strolling around." He realized she didn't share his enthusiasm. "Come on. It's gonna be alright."

Natasha already calculated all the dangers this adventure might bring and cringed. "It's a long way from an incognito stroll to a normal life, James." She wanted it, desperately. And she wanted it with him.

"But at least it's a start." He felt the urge to comfort her physically but right before he could wrap his arm around her the Winter Soldier realized what he was about to do and stopped himself.

Natasha longed for his embrace but was kept waiting for eternity so it seemed. "We can try it and go from there."

Despite his anger toward himself for failing at such an important moment he was glad her defence crumbled a little. "Yes, we'll fight on from that point. One day, it might work out."

 _I hope it does,_ she thought and anger laced those words. "Yes, I want to give him the best future possible." Her phone suddenly vibrated in her pocket. She picked it up and just stared at the message for a long moment.

"Something important?" He asked with a raised eyebrow, advised by the distraction.

"Fury wants to see me. Sorry. We'll continue later." She promised and hoped he would make up his mind until the meeting was over. Natasha was sure by his actions that he was fighting the same needs, even greater since HYDRA's drug tormented him. So how on earth was he able to conquer it? "Look after Alexei, please. I'll call you once it's over." She had a feeling the little chat would turn out much more complicated and transform into a mission. Damn, it was the last thing she needed right now. She had to talk to him, to clear things up, to finally discuss what was bothering them, but... well, duty calls.

James stared at the door for a long time while he went through the discussion they just had. He came to no acceptable conclusion, only revealing more questions as he pulled in other facts. A few weeks ago he and Steve had joked about Natasha and him adding even more children to the family before the serum stopped working. But how in the world should they manage the double amount of problems? Well at least then Alexei wouldn't have to face this form of isolation alone when he had a sibling to look after. But he would grow up to be a teenager until the child was born. So what use would that be? Once he got older he would see the same issues he had been through but not being able to help. Why the hell had been altered that way? He had been meant to be the first of an army. The thought sickened the Soldier. Did HYDRA's cruelty know no limit? Maybe he should never sire any more children with her but somehow... He wanted to. Not right now. Maybe once they had settled and understood what lay ahead of them.

The thought stopped his needs. And he was glad for that. With a sigh he turned toward his son to take care of the just awoken child who was asking for attention. They had to focus on what they had right now. Which was more than he had ever hoped for. And James knew it would be difficult... but please, let it be more easily accomplished. He wanted to give his best as a father and be as good as Natasha as a mother.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

The Black Widow showed her annoyance to be interrupted unabashedly. She didn't say a word, waiting for him to start while giving him her best assassin branded look.

"You're clean again, Romanoff?" Stark wasn't the only one to siphon of data.

"Excuse me, Sir?" How could he know about something that hadn't happened longer than five hours ago.

"The little drug trial you had in the lab. Everything out of your system?"

"Yes." She blushed, the hell, she blushed!

"Good. We have a new mission and I need you in top condition. Or... are you distracted?" He tried to get some information out of her. In the end he still had his little bet with Hill going on and some insight was preferable.

"Nothing that would distract me of a mission, Sir."

"Alright. The jet will bring you to those coordinates. Work yourself into their system and get all the data you can. Then dispose of the targets."

"Alright." She hesitated for only a moment, but it was enough for him to notice.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Three days it had been since Natasha had left the tower for some top secret mission. And it started to annoy him. He wanted to talk to her about everything that happened. Confront her with all he had stored up. Yet it seemed impossible. Once he would lay eyes upon her body, her face he wouldn't be able to say a single word. And he hated himself for it. Damn, even Steve had less complications in his barely blossoming relationship. The anger drove him past the breaking point but at least he had found a good solution.

James intended follow Natasha's example. Searching structure and trying to calm his restless mind by practicing his skills was the only option now. It was his luck that Steve had a little bit of free time so they spent a few hours in the gym each day.

But Steve was fighting too honest, righteous. James longed for someone more sneaky, and flexible. Someone who could pin him to the mat and make him _want_ to submit.

"Bucky?" The Captain tried again since his friend seemed to have been lost in thought.

"What?" James angrily shot back before grabbing his opponent's wrist and smashing him to the ground.

"You have to talk to Nat as soon as she gets back. I'm not stupid. I know what's going on here." He grimaced once Bucky gripped him even tighter at these words without realizing it.

"If I do will you shut up about it?" he retorted angrily.

What the hell, Steve actually smiled. "Yes, I will." His friend didn't see what he was seeing from this angle.

Natasha was standing in the gym, her face showing all the need she wanted to unleash upon her mate. And nothing would stop her.

"I think I'll hand the rest over to our mutual friend." Steve merely said before fighting his way out of Bucky strong grip.

The man just stared at him before he saw Natasha slender form still clad in her uniform emerging from the shadows. There was a target worthy of his strength. And damn, the last days had been enough for him to fill his desperation to the breaking point. They had distracted themselves with the thought of their boy being in danger. Shamefully used it as something to think about. But right now in this moment, where they were opponents, it simply didn't matter anymore. They both gave the best they could and it would always be that way. Yet their need for each other had grown to immensely proportions once they had shared the dream in which... well, they had given into their bodies' desires.

James looked around, finding none but the leaving Steve to be a spectator. This was their playground. A game they had played for ages and he wanted to win.

Natasha was slowly walking toward him, trying to measure him, but it had been all to clear since her first glance, so he didn't give her any opportunity to walk away from this. His hand extended on its own accord, begging her closer. He wanted satisfaction, and he would get it. "Too tired to fight?" He asked with a cocked eyebrow.

"Not at all. Show me what you have, Soldier." She was the invincible, solid as rock, in this mess of distracted minds. She had lived for as long as he had, seen as much, and knew how to fight him. And hell, he wanted it.

Natasha attacked without any objections. Damn, she was so focused on making him submit he almost forgot how to breathe. Such a ruthless creature, and he thirsted her all the more for it.

After a few common moves she had already put him down to his knees but he didn't give up that easily. His powerful attacks, which had no need to hold back with her amazing physique, pushed her to the ground as often as she did him.

Whenever he was sure he had gotten the upper hand she just slipped out of his grasp and attacked, giving her the opportunity to chain him down again but he wouldn't allow that.

At was a back and forth for several minutes and the fight seemed to arouse the more primal sides of them. How long had they longed for this. It was perfect. Finally the right opponent.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Tony smiled at the scene before him on the monitors. "I should record this or charge money to watch."

Clint's eyes followed another move of Natasha's which had Barnes pinned to the ground. "They are deadly in their perfection." He had to admit.

"I should just tape the video for the new recruits at least. Wow, I have never seen Romanoff like this. Christ, if I didn't have Pepper I would totally fall for that. This is the most intimate fight I have ever seen."

Clint didn't try to give away anything so he lied about Laura. "Stark, if you know a woman, I need one soon seriously. This tension is unbearable." He watched another more than brutal move that left Natasha gasping in exhaustion until she turned around their positions. "This is sex in its most brutal form, right?"

Tony felt the smile on his lips before he could deny it. "I think this here is their definition of sex, yes. If they don't do it any time soon I will have to go to cryo myself to sit that ages out until they finally make it to the bed."

Natasha fought hard as James had one of her arms pinned to the floor again, the heavy weight off his body pressing her down. There weren't many options so she used her one free hand to find his hip bones and trailed toward his crotch. He halted only for a blink but it was enough for her to work her arm free and wrap her thighs around him. With the force of her movement she had him beneath her again, pressing her hips against his to test his concentration.

And he failed miserably. James tried to get himself into a sitting position again but once she had caught his arms this seemed impossible. Yes, as soon as he activated his hand to unleash an inhuman force he would be free of her hold again, but not of her eternal grasp that she had over his entire being. So he just let it happen.

Her hips moved against his in an instinct but it was enough to awaken him fully. There was no turning back anymore, at least for her. She tore him from the mat and pushed him towards the exit.

Once he had realized what she was aiming for he had to stop her. "Natalia… After what we did in that dream, what we remembered doing…"

"Shut up and kiss me." His fear didn't matter anymore. She had tamed it, just like him in a few minutes.

"What?" He didn't believe what he was hearing. The look in her eyes went straight to his groin. This fire she was barely able to contain or hide from him. He wanted to burn in her flame.

She couldn't wait any longer. Once they had exited the elevator her hands pushed against his torso until he stood flat against the wall. A predatory grin spread over her face as she saw the mutual desire in his expression. "No fear. And don't hold back." She whispered against his lips and felt him shiver in excitement.

He couldn't believe what was happening. The shock and surprise freezing him as he awaited her next move.

Natasha's breath came in harsh gasps before she finally decided that they had been torturing each other for long enough. The waiting, all of the time holding back, had to be over at last. She crashed her lips against his and almost came at the mere touch. Oh, it had been way too long. The Black Widow melted into his broad frame, uniting with him as much as their clothes allowed it.

He kissed her back with the desperation of a drowning man clinging to a piece of drifting wood. Suddenly the gates were opened and he was flooded with desire. Instinct took over and he grabbed her wrists and switched positions, slamming her into the wall.

All air was knocked from her as his body pressed hers against the unyielding surface. His grip was too strong. The metal hand bruising her skin and threatening to break her bones like twigs.

But Natasha didn't panic, she merely groaned in lust. The pain and knowledge of how this brute force would feel inside of her turning the proud assassin into what Loki once named so vilely.

"Mine!" The Soldier growled while he demanded more from her, bruising her lips until he tasted blood. He felt her retreating, gasping for air. His clouded mind didn't arrive at the right conclusion. She wanted to turn away from him, to leave him. Well, he couldn't have that. "Mine!" James repeated and forced both her wrists above her head into the tight grip of his metal arm while his flesh hand buried itself into her hair, pulling until there were tears in her eyes. With his strong grip he turned her head to the side to expose her throat. He sank his mouth onto the spot right beneath her ear. One of the few places he found to be her weakness. He marked the spot by sucking as hard as he could, and then switching between biting, licking and kissing until he was satisfied with the dark stain blooming there. "Моя. (Mine.)" He repeated one last time, entirely out of breath, as his body ground against hers, showing her his lust.

"Да, твоя. (Yes, yours.)" She said, her voice hoarse and needy.

His hand left Natasha's hair to touch her body, kneading her breast, pinching the nipple through the fabric of her shirt, and down, down... He cupped her ass and lifted her up so she could lock her thighs around his hips. His fingers were close enough to her womanhood to feel how much she enjoyed it. James' laugh was partly a lustful growl. "О, ты такая влажная. Течёшь и портишь свои брюки. Мокнешь и так жаждешь мои пальцы (Oh, you are so wet. Dripping and ruining your trousers. Soaking and so eager for my fingers)," he toyed with her as much as possible in this position, "мой язык (my tongue)," he demonstrated this by licking along her neck, right where he felt the blood pounding, before breathing in her ear, "и... (and…)" he took one of her hands and guided them between their bodies, "мой член. (my cock.)" Her fingers actually shook with excitement. He palmed himself using her hand and heard her moan. "Чувствуешь, что ты делаешь со мной? Чёрт побери, я весь в твоей власти, ты маленькая распутница, и всегда был. (Can you feel what you do to me? Fucking hell, you have me at your mercy, you little minx, you always had.)" He pushed into her hand, his member twitching and leaking precum, ruining his own trousers.

Natasha wanted to burn in his lust. Wanted to give herself to him, with every fiber of her being. Heat pooled in her belly at his timbre, his words. This man would be the death of her, and she would jump off the cliff with a scream of joy. When he moved her bruised hand she gritted her teeth. Then she felt him, straining against his trousers all proud and… Oh, she could feel his pulse through the thick cloth, felt him twitching as he ground himself into her…

A painful groan he hadn't expected made James freeze in his actions. Something was not right. Dizzily, as if someone had smashed his head into the ground, he stepped back and let go of her, trying to focus.

No, no, no… Despite the pain in her wrist she never wanted him to stop. Damn her body! The Black Widow had always tried to search for a mate who wouldn't break under her, and now she found a man who could barely hold himself back when he was with her. The thought of being manhandled by the Winter Soldier made her groan once again, this time in suppressed lust. She wanted this!

"I hurt you," he blurted out as he saw her wrist swelling and turning blue.

Natasha raised her head and stared him in the face, her eyes sharp and dark with desire. "You could break every fucking bone in my body if that means I can have you."

That was too much for him. The Winter Soldier was torn between running away and claiming this irresistible goddess until her body was sore and ruined. "I'm so sorry," he stuttered before taking one and then two steps backwards.

"James!" Before she could reach for him, he had already fled out the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone ^^
> 
> Your reviews really keep me going!!!!
> 
> Again the plea to find my mistakes. Remember, I am just a German girl with weird fantasies. I need your help with the language and I don't have a beta currently. If you want more insights than in my answers to the reviews on AO3, you might want to ask for the position. ^^
> 
> As for the audio book of this fanfics. Still working on it and unhappy with my result. XD


	23. Libido issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky has problem due to the drug HYDRA gave him, after being... heated up during the last chapter he sees no other way out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might be insufferable for some readers since it contains Bucky pleasuring himself in a desperate attempt to gain control again. Despite having sent a preview to a couple of reviewers who, expect for one, said it was perfectly okay (and the last one wasn't quite convinced but okay with with it), I still fear you might hate me for it. Please don't. All will be alright. I still don't understand how I got that idea about the drug in general, but it's a useful plot device XD
> 
> Also there was the request that I write more about the domestic life with Alexei.
> 
> As an answer I put in a little trip to the Barton farm house so I have a good setting in the chapter after this. (Have only written the outline and some ideas are welcome.) The start for this is already written. Nat's on the way to the Barton's. ^^
> 
> Just finished a huge chunck of the chapter. Please tell me about mistakes. My beta only has time tomorrow, but I wanted to give it to you now.

 

**Chapter 23: Libido issues**

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

"I need your help, Steve."

"What's up?" He could tell from the unhidden distress in her eyes that something bad must have happened.

"He was in the gym for a few minutes, judging by the state of all the training equipment James must have tried to let off some steam by pushing himself to the limit. Or using them past their breaking point." Stark would be mildly annoyed… "Then he locked himself in the showers and doesn't let anyone in."

"Natasha, I don't understand. What...?" Then he saw how carefully she was holding her wrist, how blue color peaked beneath the long sleeve. "Did he fight with you?" Steve knew how strong Natasha was but compared to Bucky she had only her flexibility to conquer him. What if he…?

Always the ignoramus… "Not exactly. We gave it a try and… he got a little rough. But it's nothing serious, really." She lifted her shirt to show him the bruising which, considering her enhanced body, would heal in a matter of days. "Yet now he's…"

"I'll try to talk to him. Go to Stark or Banner. It looks broken." He told her with a grimace.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

He could hear the shouting and growling as soon as he was near the gym. Something, probably a metal fist, was rammed into the wall. The sound of broken tiles and concrete crumbling to the floor. Steve could hear curses in Russian and a somehow weird timbre in the man's voice he couldn't quite decipher yet.

"Buck?" He asked carefully and the person inside the shower cabin stilled.

"Go away!" James sounded distressed, not only because of anger about losing control, but also of shame.

"I won't leave until you have calmed down again." He stated like the white knight in shining armor, always trying to save those he cared about.

"I can't calm down. That's exactly it." Bucky hissed in frustration.

Steve could hear movement and a suppressed groan from behind the doors. His hand went to the doorknob, although he already knew it was locked from the inside.

"Don't come in." It was more of a plea than a warning.

"But why? Bucky, I want to help you."

"Just stay away. I'll handle this myself." More movement and a suppressed groan.

His mind was racing with ideas of what happened in there. Was Bucky hurting himself? Whatever he did was painful but somehow also… "I won't leave until you tell me what's wrong."

"I don't want you to see me like this." The Soldier pressed out with a grunt.

"I have surely seen you doing worse." Now he was really afraid.

"Just leave until this is over."

Before Steve could ask what was over he heard another groan of pain. He couldn't help himself anymore and finally kicked the door open. The sight he was presented with made him stare in shock.

Bucky was naked and shivering with exhaustion, sweat glistening on his body, his hair damp and tousled. All around him was debris from when he hit the wall and also…

"I told you to leave me alone," Bucky groaned with his eyes closed. Now his cheeks blushed even more, because of shame this time. He hadn't stopped moving his metal arm yet, couldn't stop. With a growl he grabbed his maleness even tighter and emptied himself onto the floor before collapsing. His entire body shivered with exhaustion but he was still hard, so he kept his hand moving.

Steve couldn't process what he was seeing. The Captain simply didn't understand why… Yes, of course, he was no idiot. He knew how to find pleasure when there was no one to help, and Steve also knew what his enhanced body made him capable of. Refractory period wasn't really an issue in the Super-Soldier department. But this… was madness. "Why?" He couldn't say anything else while he tried to find a way to help his friend.

"HYDRA's drug," James gasped with his eyes still shut. He just wanted to die right now, of shame, of frustration, of… "To make sure... " He tried to breathe but it was a labored groan. "... I knock up Natalia. Has side effects." He wanted to explain, seeking help. "Doing it myself makes it… only worse." He stroked himself harder, the metal now bruising his skin enough to rub it raw and drawing blood. "Can't stop…" He sobbed in shame.

Steve calculated his options. There weren't much that would allow Bucky keep at least a little bit of his dignity. He knew how cruel HYDRA could be, had seen it during the war and also how they had treated Natasha when she was the incubator for their new generation of soldiers. But this… was madness. The Captain saw no other way. He did a quick combo on Bucky, rendering him unconscious without doing much damage.

Bucky heard him moving in on him but couldn't pay any more attention to it. He just let it happen when Steve struck him hard. "Thank you…" James whispered before the world darkened and he finally felt the true relief of falling asleep.

Now that Bucky was knocked out Steve took a moment to breathe and assess the situation. He couldn't drag him to Bruce in a state like this. So the Captain turned on the shower, making sure it wasn't cold and washing away all traces of what had happened. Then he wrapped his friend in one of the towels Stark had provided and gently lifted him in his arms.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

When he entered Bruce and Tony's favorite floor he already saw Natasha sitting on one of the tables while the doctor took care of her wrist. She looked into the distance at first, her cheeks slightly blushed as well and with anger shadowing her usually calm features. Then she noticed him and her face got even darker than before. She said a few words to Banner before he finished wrapping the bandage around her wrist and turned to the newcomers as well.

"How is he? Oh my god, what…?" Bruce seemed shocked as he saw the broken man. His hair was wet and the towel didn't hide the wounds he must have inflicted upon himself. All knuckles on his right hand were bloody, exposing what could be bones.

Tony stepped in and prepared one of the beds. "Put him here." After Steve had followed his orders he started to analyze the damage. "Bruce, I need something to clean these wounds."

"I'm on it." The doctor rushed to get everything ready while Steve walked over to Natasha.

"You're okay?" The Captain asked and his mouth formed a thin line as he watched the two scientists work.

"Yeah, it'll heal quickly. Steve, what did he do?" There was so much fear and concern in her voice.

How could he tell her? Should he even? Rogers was about to calm her with some soothing words and then urge her to leave when Tony lifted the towel enough to get a glance at Bucky's naked hips.

"Ouch, that's gotta hurt..." With a grimace as if imagining how something like that would feel like he draped the cloth back over him.

"What? What did he do?" She asked with a hoarse voice.

"Let's just say that metal arm plus erection isn't a good idea." He took off the gloves and made his way out. "Be back in a sec. I might have something to... help him."

"Oh, I think he's coming to." Bruce warned as he saw the Soldier's body seizing.

"James..." She carefully put her hand on his shoulder but he merely shirked away with a pained growl.

"Please, go. Not now." He didn't want her to see him like this. Hell, could it get any worse?

Steve stepped in to help. "Natasha, I think we should give him a moment. Come on, let's get some fresh air and come back later."

"No, damn it. This is my fault. I have to..."

It was then that Tony came back in. "You'll only make it worse."

With an angry huff Natasha got up and stormed out of the room. God, this was all so awkward.

As soon as she was gone James laid his newly cleaned and bandaged arm over his face and gave a mixture between a sob and a growl. "Just leave me, please."

"No, we're gonna help stabilize you." He handed him some pills and a glass of water but the Soldier pushed him away. "You want to keep that proud example of male perfection or not?"

"If it stays as troublesome I might reconsider." He joked without humor but obediently swallowed the meds.

"What did you give him?" Bruce whispered.

"Oh, just something that helps with a viagra overdose." He saw the disbelief in his friend's eyes and continued. "I have a few older buddies who told me about this recipe."

"I'll give him a sedative as well." Going by Barnes' vitals the man was already past exhaustion, only kept awake by the effects of HYDRA's drug.

Tony watched as Barnes simply let it happen, his consciousness quickly leaving him as soon as the drug worked. He gave a sigh before continuing. "Okay, I am open to suggestions."

"HYDRA's drug is highly effective and can't be reduced by us without much effort. As far as I know self pleasuring only makes it worse. But he got the drug under control a few times already as far as he told me. So that means Natasha is the key. By my calculations sexual intercourse with the person he wants is what makes him calm down again."

"So, he's got to have sex with Red?" Tony deadpanned.

Bruce looked much more uncomfortable now. "Yes. That would be the best solution until his body can stand up against the effects of the drug."

"And how do we let that happen? I mean, he smashed her wrist during petting." Tony bit his lip.

"Yes, I see this issue as well. He is stronger than her and even her flexibility and swiftness can't stand up against that when it… well, when they go further." Bruce didn't see a way out without any of them having troubles later on.

"But let's just assume they do it. Would it help him for a few days or weeks?" Tony tried to find out.

"Surely. If he gets his satisfaction the effect would be minimal." Bruce argued and looked at his friend. "Do you really think it's a good idea?"

"You have seen Nat fight. She can do it."

"And she wants it." Bruce said without realizing his mistake. That was too much private information.

Yet despite his repute Stark handled this very well. "Okay, let's just make sure no accidents happen…" He already had something in mind.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

As soon as he had finished wrapping his present and storing it out of sight he waited for the Soldier to wake up again. He should feel much more relaxed now but Tony was sure the shame would be… terrible. So he tried to sort his arguments in a way he would want to hear them himself.

"Oh, where am I?" Bucky murmured as soon as he was able to form a sentence again. He coiled on the bed and tried not to touch any aching parts of his body.

"Pal, we really need to talk about your troublesome libido." Tony started.

The Soldier turned his head away from him. "There's nothing you can do. I'll take care of it myself."

"It didn't seem to work out so well last time. I know this is all your lone wolf act to keep others away from harm now that you are converted. But we are all friends here and we take care of it each, might it be absurd or not. You got any idea how often I've seen Bruce naked after his transformation? What would you have done there anyway? Continued until every every drop of liquid had left your body and you passed out from dehydration?" Yes, the sarcasm was intended.

He huffed. "But at least I'd be spared of you of all people trying to fix what you surely got a good look at."

"Yeah, well, Nat's a lucky girl." Tony chuckled.

Barnes actually raised an eyebrow at that. "So what would you do in my position when the itch starts? Dull your senses with weed and put some relaxing med cocktail in your drink?"

"Well, that's what I'd do if Pepper wasn't around but in your case I am not sure if that's of any use." Tony started to theorize.

"Then what is?" He asked, clearly not satisfied with the answer thus far.

Stark clicked his tongue. "The drug they gave you is a wicked little thing. You can't get satisfaction elsewhere. Only your chosen one is enough."

James growled angrily. This wasn't a solution.

Okay, time to set the course. "If your body gets what it wants, and yes, I am talking about Nat here, it's satisfied."

"I could kill her." He deadpanned.

"She'll kill you first." He answered without a second thought which made Bucky stop his argueing for minute. "Now Red's prepared for everything. I have faith in her. She knows how to handle you."

Insulted Bucky slammed his metal fist onto the small table next to him, smashing the wooden structure in the process. "You think?" He asked with a raised eyebrow as he saw Stark flinching.

But his distress what quickly replaced by the enthusiasm of an engineer finding a solution to a mechanical problem. "I know I am a bit bold here, but as a mechanic… I just can't resist." He pointed at his metal limb. "That arm of yours. I might have a couple of ideas."

The Winter Soldier retreated, defense and uncertainty in his demeanor. "Ideas?" Suspicion laced his voice. Did he want to spy on HYDRA's ideas for his own benefit?

He understood that look in Barnes' eyes. "No, that's not my intention. Of course, I am curious. But I can help you. For example, I could create synthetic skin to cover the metal."

Bucky wanted to huff in annoyance. That was nothing new.

Tony raised his index finger as if to scold him. "You should know me by now. I am an overachiever. I've been working on a side project; something that just might give you the same thing as actual skin. Nanites."

James lifted an eyebrow in confusion. "Gnats?"

"No, not tiny bugs. Microscopic robots that are the size of human cells, that can imitate real skin. Anyone who touches them will not be able to tell where your real skin ends and nanites begin."

"I will be the judge of that." Natasha interrupted them from the doorway.

If this were any other situation he would have marveled at her skills, sneaking like the perfect spy. But right now he wondered how long she had been standing there already. James tried to read her face but she was offering no information. What if she...? Oh, God. Please...

Noticing that Barnes needed a moment to get himself under control again Tony picked up where he left off before Natasha had spoken. "Can I continue? The nanites can even transmit sensations to your brain. You would even be able to feel everything your arm touches."

The first textures he could think about were Natasha's silky hair, her soft lips and… James tried to swallow and concentrated hard not to picture this right now. Not when she was also in the room. His tamed libido stood up to attention once again and he blushed. Trying to hide it he let his hair fall down over his face while his hands clenched into fists. No, no, no...

Natasha studied the room and saw the broken bedside table. Whatever had occurred here must have sparked the Winter Soldier's wrath. "Well, try not to destroy anything while you work on that little new pet project." She carefully wrapped it into a joke. Fiddling with the arm wouldn't be easy for James, so she gave him the impression that this would be more fun than hard work and could never go wrong.

"I promise the arm won't have a 'Mark 42' on it." Tony said with a smile.

"I'll hold you to that." Natasha smiled as she entered further, trying to keep a certain distance since she had seen Barnes flinching.

Tony stood up proudly. "There might be some drawbacks and failings but you know always get there in the end. And anyway, I am much further along the path than usually. It would only mean calibrating and testing on his side, nothing harmful."

"Keep him alive and without permanent damage." When the mobile vibrated in her pocket she angrily turned away and pushed the button. "What?" Natasha almost shouted into the phone.

"Whoa, Nat, calm down. It's only me." He tried to defend himself.

"Clint?" She lowered her voice. "What's up?"

"I've got good news." His voice was so carefree and utterly happy.

"Oh, no way." She could barely contain her excitement, walking over to the corner of the room to get some privacy.

"Yes. And I wanted to ask if you'd like to come by for a few days. I've heard you might need some time away from everything. Alexei would surely enjoy to meet kids his age. And it's safe here." A few minutes ago he had a talk with Banner about the issue and tried to help his friend.

She bit her lip. "Clint, I'm not..."

"Laura would be glad for your help. We're outnumbered here." Clint quickly countered before she could raise any objections.

Natasha looked at Bucky appearing more pained whenever she was around. "Okay, I'll drop by." She shoved her phone back into her pocket.

"There is some sort of non lethal emergency at Clint's. I want to drop by and that's also a good chance to get Alexei out of the tower. The place is remote and I'll be careful. You're okay with that?" She asked in a way that seemed almost casual.

Having his son away from him for more than a few hours was new to him. He had to protect his offspring at any cost. But when she was involved the boy would surely be safe. And that's what they had talked about. Also the fact that it wasn't a public place she took him to was assuring. "You're his mother. When you think it's alright, I trust you." With everything in my heart, he finished.

Natasha saw the last words despite hearing them. "It'll give you some time to cool down and get in proper shape again." In an afterthought she finished. "I want you to be happy, James." After the words left her lips she regretted them. Was that too much? "Anyway, I'll leave right now. You're okay, right?"

He could only nod as she quickly left the room. What had happened that her entire being had altered so much in a matter of seconds? James wondered why her expression had changed from anger to longing this quickly. There had been tears in her eyes and the little curve of her lips had almost been a smile. Wherever she went it meant much to her and would not pose a threat.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yesterday I went COSPLAYING again. So excited. Took some Black Widow pics in the forest for the "The Name of the Rose" comic. And yes, for this fanfic I will rewrite that storyline so that Barnes is the one who knocked her at the age of 15. Have a look at it if you like ^^
> 
> have a proper look at it if you like  
> www.mon-kishu.deviantart.com/art/Black-Widow-Cosplay-Name-of-the-Rose-Marvel-Comic-655802239 (that one here I converted it to be smaller) I would be grateful for a review there. haven't gotten any thus far...
> 
> Until a few hours ago I wanted to put the chapter about Barton and Laura in there as well but since I have almost reached page 10 I think I'm gonna keep that for the next chapter to update more often. (Something to look forward to. Always enjoy that when I read fanfics. ^^)
> 
> I haven't written it yet, except the outline, so any funny ideas are welcome. Please review with some ideas or wishes if you have any. Or just if you like something I wrote. Comments keep me going. (That's one of the reasons I didn't draw tonight but wrote 3 pages in less than an hour XD)


	24. How to be a gentleman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha and her son travel to the Barton farm to celebrate the birth of Nathaniel and to give James some time to cool down. They start to remember more about their shared past, particularly their first night in the Red Room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay first of all I want to thank everyone on AO3 and ffnet for approving the last chapter I was so scared to post. You all got quite long messages in PM form (which I apologize for XD).
> 
> Nl220263waitino on the other hand hasn't gotten any since anon review. I am so sorry I forgot to answer you when I updated last time. But now I'll make up for it (in German). ^^
> 
> Vielen Dank für deine Kommentare. Es freut mich sehr, dass jemand sich die Zeit nimmt sich durch meine fanfic durch zu arbeiten, obwohl es etwas an Englisch Kenntnissen hapert. Und natürlich freut es mich noch mehr, dass du dadurch an Sprachkenntnissen dazu gewinnst. Ich weiß, wie das ist. Als ich noch ein Teenager auf'm Gymnasium war, habe ich auch angefangen englische fanfics zu lesen und das führte dann zu einer erstaunlich guten Englisch Note im Abitur XD Glaub mir, es ist es wert. Und es macht Spaß auf diese Art zu lernen ^^ Praktisch alles, was ich kann, habe ich von fanfics und englischen Büchern.

"Where are we going, мама (mother)?" Alexei wanted to know as she finished packing the suitcase.

"We're going to visit uncle Clint. Your first trip out. Doesn't that sound exciting?" She already feared that the boy would raise objections. This was something new to him, probably scary. But Natasha had to get out of here. James wasn't able to stand her proximity and she knew the harder she tried to get closer, to help him, he would only be driven further away,

The boy fetched something from his playing room, adding it to the case in a way that appeared most efficient even to the Widow's trained eyes. It seemed like the toys Tony had made for him worked quite well to school his mind. "Jarvis already said you need some time away from your work."

"He did what?" Since when was the boy talking to the AI?

Before she could raise any objections or concerns Jarvis stepped in. "Yes, Miss Romanoff. Your son and I are having quite entertaining and delightful conversations."

She could only shake her head. What else was to be expected from the Winter Soldier's offspring? "Don't spoil my son, Jarvis."

There was actually a chuckle in his voice. "Oh, I wouldn't dare."

"You're okay with it?" Damn, such a stupid question to ask a child who didn't understand the dynamics between his parents.

"I am actually excited, mother. Beneficial to all of us." There was this genuine, lovely, intelligent smile on his face with that certain hint of his father's cockiness.

Where the hell did he get his vocab from? She had tried to treat him like the five year old boy he was. Maybe had been wrong there. "Let's move then." She said and let her tone sound as excited as possible which wasn't as difficult as she had feared. Damn, her friend just had another child and by now she knew how that felt, amazing, astonishing. And a whole lot of work. So at least the skills she had learned to this point could be put to good use.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Bucky's racing heart had calmed down after Natasha had left. Maybe were was some truth to Stark's words. While the minutes passed by and the mixture worked its magic on him he soon realized that Tony had retreated to his sketch board to scribble down something that had surely to do with his arm. But right now he didn't mind. In fact whatever brought him closer to being with her without complications was fine with him.

A few minutes later the doctor entered with some supplies again "Where's Tasha off to?" Bruce had seen her leaving with a suitcase and the boy in tow.

"She went on holidays with Alexei." Bucky answered and his voice was as rough as sandpaper.

"Clint's with her as protection and they said it was a secure location." Tony muttered, lost in thought.

James furrowed his brows at that but didn't say anything. That actually did sound weird but he knew by now that the relationship between Natalia and her new friend was not something sexual, more like an older brother. Still the thought woke a dark side in him.

Since Bruce wandered off to another room again, hidden by only glass walls but it was enough, Tony saw the perfect moment for his gift. "Barnes, I… want to give you something just to be safe."

Totally not getting what he was expressing Bucky sat up and looked at the inconspicuous package. "What is it?"

The mechanic sighed before explaining. "Since we don't know yet how HYDRA's 're-fertility' serum has worked on Tash I just want you to be on the safe side for whatever you do with her."

"I won't do anything with her!" He almost screamed but the spikes in his very detailed vitals diagram showed he had other thoughts.

" _On your feet!" James shouted at her bruised form._ The flash of a memory hit him hard, making him gasp.

Tony noticed it, maybe seeing even more in the displayed vitals than Bucky's untrained mind could understand right now. "Whatever. It's just a precaution for both of you. This might lift some weight off of your shoulders."

"There are much bigger issues." He said, his voice pressed and dangerous while he glared at the package and then at Stark.

Tony's lighthearted smile could break any façade. "Well, just open it, and you'll know the direction you really NEED to go follow."

Bucky sighed and picked up the package. Once he had opened it he merely glanced at him. "Really? You are a terrible matchmaker. Even regarding Steve's standards this is low."

"Just be grateful. These are expensive when you are fueled by super-soldier serum to go on with." Tony said as the other guy blanched. "Again and again."

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Natasha found herself standing in front of the Barton's farm with her son's hand in her grasp. This all seemed so surreal. The last time she had been here she had congratulated Laura upon her newly discovered pregnancy. Now she was a mother herself with a boy no older than the family's oldest daughter. "You're ready to meet some other Avengers kids?" She asked her son who didn't seem to share the fear she was having right now.

Alexei peeked outside his winter jacket. A cold wave had hit the place yesterday and there was a huge blanket of snow covering everything. "Of course!" The boy explained with just a tiny bit more enthusiasm than she would have expected. Was he actually pushing her forward because he understood what a situation she was in? Or was he just excited? Her inner demons told her that this was the truth but deep down she realized her son was so much more mature than anyone gave him credit for.

"Okay, then." They took the last steps and knocked carefully. Natasha was already certain Clint had spotted her a mile away through any tripwire he might have installed in the wilderness, so the long time they had to wait confused her.

At last the door opened with a totally shaken Clint who just seemed to try and wipe away any mishap that had occurred. "Nat! Good to see you. We just had a little diaper catastrophe. Sorry. Couldn't leave my wife without support."

It only took these words to made her smile and fall into a more pleasant demeanor. "It's all solved now?" She asked while Barton guided them inside, lifting their suitcases in his arms while they took of their jackets.

"Oh, don't tell her all the bad things when she still has them in front of her…" Laura voice sounded along the corridor but quickly stalled when she saw her friend and the little boy standing next to her. "Oh my god, he has grown so much since Clint showed me the pics!"

"Well, he has a tendency to do that." Natasha said while taking in the mother who was still holding a little, newly changed baby in her arms.

"I've heard he would grow up faster but that is just unfair. You fast-forwarded all the difficult moments!" Laura exclaimed while approaching Natasha who quickly extended her arms in an embrace while still watching out for the sleeping child in Mrs Barton's arms.

"So, how's little Natasha?" The Black Widow asked and mustered the baby with a wide grin.

Clint coughed and turned away to not take the blow himself.

"What?" She had seen both of them freezing.

"You haven't even told her?" Laura asked with a mock-angry voice.

Clint only held his hands up. "I thought it was the privilege of the mother to say it."

Natasha didn't get it at first, too overwhelmed by the little baby staring up at her from her mother's comfortable arms while Laura herself scrunched her face in almost an apology.

"She's… Nathaniel…" Mrs Barton said while biting her lip.

But Natasha wasn't faced by any of that. Only lowering down a little to be close to the boy. "Traitor."

"Let me see!" Alexei requested in a more child-like voice while the other kids approached curiously as well.

Laura still seemed concerned. "So it's okay that we…" She had promised Natasha that the child would be her namesake and wasn't sure she'd be fine with a gender-switched version of her name. But damn hell, Laura Barton would not give in again just to create something to name it a certain way. Stupid thought, of course, but it made her lips turn up once she saw Natasha's smile.

"No, it's fine." She mustered the boy's tiny face. "Wonderful."

"Every female's egg is another female. The male trait comes from the man," the boy said as if it was all so clear for a little child like him.

All of them looked at the boy in wonder and disbelief. Even the other kids had been peeked around the walls now.

"I like him." Laura said with a grin.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Meanwhile the Soldier had spent his time in solitude trying to come to terms with his current situation. The more he thought about Natalia the more he started to remember. And through this he came to understand how far their shared past connected them.

The room seemed empty without Alexei around. But he was fine with that. Natasha was giving him some updates every few hours with pictures of his son playing with kids his age. Had the archer suddenly turned into a welfare worker, caring for children? Clint couldn't be a father yet, so the kids must belong to someone else. This was a question for when Natasha came back. At least they were safe and Alexei could socialize with others. He seemed happy and enjoyed the time with his mother. James was glad for this.

Flexing his metal hand the Soldier began to wonder when he would be able to join this life his family was living right now. The last incident had showed him once more how dangerous he actually was. A single moment in which he let himself go could destroy what he tried to build up, cause misery to everyone who had started to trust him and mean the death of his lover and his son. He didn't want to imagine the possible outcomes if this took the wrong turn.

Leaning against the couch he tried to work on regaining his memories to distract him from the present. The few things he remembered from the past with Natasha had a very pleasant touch to them. She had grown up an extraordinary woman and he had been with her during this time. He knew there had been flirting during the training and sex to teach the girls in seductive techniques.

A stabbing pain shot through his skull as the memory of a briefing with his handlers came back to him.

" _You have done well, soldier. And for good work, there must always be a reward." He snatched a folder from the filing cabinet and handed it to him. "Our best trainee so far. But she still has a few steps to go to perfection. There is an important one along which you will guide her."_

_The Winter Soldier opened the folder and stared at the cold, calculating eyes of a beautiful young woman with red hair. He had heard about her already, even seen her passing by. The Soldier quickly scanned her progress written in the text below. Yes, one part of her training was still missing. "You offer me her first night?"_

_Karpov gave him one of his rare smiles. "Through giving her into your… care you must also be willing to continue her training. Teach her fighting during the day and fucking at night. When you think she's ready, decide upon a mission of yours where she'll assist you."_

Oh god, he HAD been her first. James tried hard to remember how he had treated her. There had been times in which his programming weakened, right before the wipings. But these times were rare. Had he abused her while being without remorse or emotions? His body could respond even though he didn't feel any affection, that much James knew.

" _We have prepared the room to fulfill your wishes." One the henchmen explained with a wide smile. "I expect you to give us quite the show."_

_The Winter Soldier only nodded, not showing any emotion. He had known before that they would insist on watching, analyzing and evaluating the progress of their best trainee. There was no sound recording but cameras in every corner._

Bucky swallowed thickly. At least youtube didn't exist yet those decades ago. But that flashback still didn't calm his fearful mind. Had he forced himself upon her? James knew that their later relationship had been intimate and pleasant, but how did it start? His emotionless demeanor could have been a good façade to evade a premature wiping or it meant that every bit of humanity and kindness had left him before he had made the Black Widow a woman.

" _I am at your service, Sir." She didn't look afraid. There was this lack of knowledge of what would happen, anticipation, but also pride that she was ready for the next step in her training. She seemed confident._

" _Call me James," the man said with a smile that was meant to reassure her. Yet she didn't seem to need that form of kindness. Her face was blank, not showing any emotions._

" _The doctors have given me a pill to make this procedure easier. Should I take it now?" She pulled something out of the folds of her gown._

_The movement made him see that she wasn't wearing anything beneath it. His mouth was suddenly dry. Was this nervousness? No, it couldn't be, shouldn't be. "No, I don't think you will need that." He knew the meds would make her more responsive to his actions and cloud her senses, but also heighten her need in a way she would lose control over her own body, turning her into a willful sex toy. The thought sickened him. He would do this the right way, making her enjoy herself in every way possible._

_She looked confused for a moment as he stepped closer and took her palm in his, collecting the pill from her grasp and throwing it to the side. "How do you want to be pleasured?" Natalia asked carefully, not expecting a situation like this. Was it a test? Was he gentle only to show her brutality later?_

_James knew the supervisors were watching so he had to start the show soon. "First I want to learn more about you." He gently cupped her chin and made her look up at him. "We will spend a lot of time together. And I have to eradicate your every weakness." The Soldier saw determination in her eyes. She wanted to succeed, good. "But for that I need to know them. Tonight I want to study you, your talents, your techniques. I will guide you to greatness." There was a spark in her face at these words but nothing sexual yet. Just business and interest in being the best. Well, let's change that._

_Natalia stood still. She had heard from others how brutal the men could be when you did something they didn't like. The best advice the other girls had given her was to wait for orders and fulfill them as thoroughly as possible. What she hadn't expected was his expression relaxing, his body leaning in closer, exposing so many parts of him she could hurt. Was he... trusting her? Then he lowered his lips on hers, gentle and careful. He was warm and the touch made her entire body tingle._

_The Soldier put all his seductive skills into the kiss. Surprisingly his body seemed to remember more than his conscious mind, making his task easy. God, her lips were so soft and the girl responded in the most wonderful way. He thought about deepening the kiss, making her gasp and moan but he wanted to take it slow and not shy her away like a frightened kitten. A few more seconds his lips lingered on hers, slow and sensual movements. Then he raised his head once more. "Oh, you will be magnificent." He breathed and saw her pupils dilating at that. Oh, good girl..._

_Her fingers twitched, wanting to touch him. "James." She whispered, her eyes clouded with rising desire._

_Her voice went straight to his cock. Time to unwrap this present for his good work. His hands wandered along her neck, raising goosebumps, before they pushed the gown over her shoulders. God, she was just blooming into a woman. He knew she was looking for any indications of whether he enjoyed the view or not. And damn, he did. Her skin was pale and beautiful, tough muscles and a lean frame. Her breasts were still developing, but already enough to fill his hands in a delightful way. The dark triangle between her legs told him she was a true ginger. He couldn't wait to conquer this perfect body._

" _Now it's time for you to reveal your assets." She requested, cocky and seductive._

_And he adored her for it._

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

The stay at Bartons' had been a surprisingly soothing adventure for all involved. The older kids accepted the new boy openly and the parents had time to catch up on things.

But Natasha was lost in thought while she happily played the aunt for Nathaniel. Laura was talking to the priest who would perform the baptism, telling him why they wanted this to be more... secretive. Clint was entertaining the kids and showed them how to repair the sledge they would use tomorrow. The forecast had spoken of even more snow tomorrow and the children wanted to revel in this opportunity.

The Black Widow rocked the baby back and forth to make him fall asleep again after he had woken up to have his diaper changed. The movement made her mind drift away to wishful thinking. Not having James around was... weird, as if she lost a piece of herself. Luckily her son wasn't bothered by it for now. He enjoyed the time here thoroughly. She had been sending pictures to James, being careful not to reveal any secrets that had to be kept. Oh, her Soldier. She wished he was here with her. Her only consolation was that at some point they would be, even if those times was still far away. Natasha sighed in defeat. She tried to remember how his lips had felt on hers. It was harder than she had expected. The more she tried another memory came back to her she couldn't quite sort into the timeline. What her body recalled was a gentle kiss. One he didn't give her in this decade... So warm... She wanted to fall into his embrace, leaning against him, letting him do what he wanted.

_His fingers ghosted over breasts while his tall and muscular body was pressed against the small of her back._

_Natalia gasped as he reached this point between her legs. The foreign sensation made her back arch, the movement making her hips shy away from him._

" _So sensitive…" He felt her stiffening at these words, retreating further. "No, my dear, lean into it. Doesn't this feel good?" His hand firmly massaged her breast while he kissed her neck, gently sucking on the skin, leaving love-bites._

_She closed her eyes, following his command. Her virgin body turned into wax under his touches._

" _Look at yourself," the soldier demanded, motioning toward the mirror._

_Natalia obeyed and gasped. She had never seen herself like this. There had been no exercise, so why was her body so flushed, a sheen of sweat covering her? How could this happen to her? The Soldier must held a lot of power she had to learn how to use._

_James reveled in her reactions. He was molding her entire being with his touches and it was magnificent, having such power over such a beautiful creature. She was moaning softly, so innocently. It was driving him mad. He needed more. He thrust himself against her in a different angle, freeing him from the trousers and slipping between her slick thighs. "Oh, you are so wet..." He couldn't wait to dive into her._

_Natalia's eyes tore open when she felt something big sliding between her legs. She stared at their reflection in disbelief. She had been told how he would look like, but… this? "You're big," the woman stuttered, her heart racing now because of more than lust._

" _Don't worry. I will prepare you." He slid back and forth. She had shut her legs instinctively, making the movement most pleasurable for him, enticing a low growl from his throat. "Although I will have to fight with myself to handle you gently."_

" _The Red Room isn't gentle." It was more of a question._

" _But I am, when I want to be."_

So the words she had heard a few days prior... were actually from her virgin night. Natasha could feel the same longing and desire she had experienced all those years ago. As soon as James was capable of a discussion concerning their past she had to mention this. It would make things a lot easier for them. Telling him that he had never been a brutal bed mate. Instead being a pleasant lover who had taken care of her.

With a deep breath she sorted the memory into the timeline and tried to concentrate on the present again, otherwise she might have similar issues as Barnes with the drug HYDRA had give him. She could hear Laura finishing the phone call and coming back to the nursery. So it was time to put on the façade again.

The adults were sitting inside near the window while the children were making snowmen in the garden. The girl was currently trying to roll a ball bigger than herself to give it the extra edge of size but it seemed futile. Since there was always a sibling rivalry her brother had no intention to aid her in that matter. He had just finished lifting the snowman's head onto his torso, wondering if he could start a snowball match while the others were distracted enough not to notice the first battle deciding attacks.

Alexei was working much more methodically on his snow creature, giving him legs and arms and carving out some real details when he saw Lily struggling. Being the gentleman he was taught to be the boy walked over to the girl and lifted the giant object easily, making the little girl gape in awe.

"Oh, my god. You are so strong!" She exclaimed and hugged him the moment the sphere was positioned correctly.

Alexei actually blushed at that. He had heard about these feelings, had seen affection in their parents' eyes, but feeling it was a totally different level. "Shall I help you with the head as well?" The boy asked shyly, not caring about it own snowman that much anymore.

"No, it's fine. Thank you very much." She exclaimed loudly, for her brother to hear who just groaned in annoyance.

Laura and Nat had seen the last minute at the edge of their vision and both grinned. But the mother of three was the first to speak. "I kind of regret that your son is growing so quickly. Lily really seems to like him and I find no real objection on my behalf."

"What?" Clint asked, not knowing what had transpired while he tried to read the glances the two mothers were giving each other.

"Okay, I know this is very forthright of me to ask but when the hell will Barnes and you get along again?" Laura wanted to know when she couldn't stand the obvious question in the room anymore. She knew Natasha had come for more than only some family holidays, especially since the Soldier hadn't arrived with her.

"That's up to him, not me…" Natasha answered with a sigh. "He is still getting used to the world of today and his new-found freedom. He… doesn't trust himself."

"Isn't there any way for you to build up that trust? You are a brilliant woman. I don't want to sound lowly, but you are able to wrap men around your pinky. You could mold him like clay. So what's stopping you?"

"It's not the same with him. I…" _know him from before._ She almost added.

"He's the right one. So go for it."

"He shies away at every touch, like a frightened kitten!" Natasha expressed loudly for the first time. She knew there was no reason to keep information from her closest friends. They would find out anyway.

"Make the kitten purr." Laura said with an ambiguous smile.

Natasha stiffened at that, her former character imagining all the ways she could use to entrap the infamous Winter Soldier. She actually _had_ , a long time ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I didn't tease too much. I might even write a oneshot with the first WinterWidow night. I have used the memories now, so they won't show up again. Only once when they mention it. So if you want the bull blown detailed one, I will write it for you ^^
> 
> You remember the comic book page Cosplay I linked in my last chapter's notes? The actual author of the comic shared it and praised it in a personal message to me. Couldn't believe it at first and ran around like an idiot, squealing and acting more insane than my cat when she has her five crazy minutes of the day. (the cat is named 'Crazy' by the way XD)
> 
> Since the chapter got so long now that I have to cut it into at least three pieces, I want to give you a little preview for what's to come. Just glimpses (that may change).
> 
> "What is my mission?" He asked as if he hadn't connected the dots. - "Just be there in time for dinner. And take Stark's present with you."
> 
> "He made you." Natasha said with a chuckle. "Considering the objects he had to work with it is very detailed." - "I noticed. He is very creative." - "And smart." She hugged him tightly. "He adores you, looks up to you." - "He shouldn't…" The Winter Soldier countered with a sad smile. - "He should."
> 
> "I need you inside me, right now." She couldn't wait to seal the bond by bedding her husband. - "Backroom, somewhere in the bushes." He offered. "I don't give a damn." He wanted take her right here on the spot. - "We could knock out the priest." - "Why?" - "Altar." - He felt himself ready to burst. "God, woman, you'll be the death of me."
> 
> The Captain almost jump, a startled gasp leaving his mouth. "Bucky?" - "What are you listening to?" He quickly pulled the thing out. "Damn, why's the volume up this much?" - Steve's face got red and he chewed his lower lip, trying to find an appropriate answer. "I have enhanced hearing." - "Then why...?" It clicked in his mind. With a wide grin on his face he tried to suppress his laughter. "That loud, eh?" - "Every... word." His skin was already past crimson.
> 
> Please review ^^


	25. How to make the Winter Soldier purr

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nat and Bucky remember how the Winter Soldier had once treated her right after a wiping, and how they deal with it. Natasha thinking about how she once pleasured him with her mouth to make him succumb. Fury sending James to the Bartons with a another present for the two assassins. Natasha and Barnes finally making up their mind and following the path they need to go to find...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aside from all those amazing reviews I got for the last chapter, I also got an anon for chapter 6 complaining that "Nat can't have kids". Aside from posting this short message anonymous I see you have read further than the prologue so you must have showed some form of interest.
> 
> I have read every possible plotline Marvel provided and (at my early days I must say) I came up with a conclusion that they could also reverse it if they wanted to. I know it's weird, but come on, with Steve getting from skinny to bulky from one second to the next and what the Hulk can grow on body mass and whatever else I think this is just a minor inconvenience. I have used the goal to create an impossible soldier via natural conception to fuel my storyline. Which isn't as absurd in comparison to the entire lore history.
> 
> Be aware there is a very dirty talk-y blowjob in this one I will only fully post on archive of our own. Usually not my style, but I let myself go there XD There's also darkness in here which I totally illuminated with bright, fluffy, cheesy ideas so poor Bucky and Nat aren't discouraged. Yet I had to bring them in here as well to guide them. (or in other words. Just realized I had to put them somewhere since they were in my "smutty Red Room memories" stash and they have to be there before they finally have sex again.)

It was rather early in the morning for a weekend but the kids didn't want to waste any time to play so they had dragged the adults out of their beds and after a quick breakfast had went straight to work.

Natasha smiled at the excitement her son had with the less technological toys the Barton's owned. There was no need for high tech. This was a simple life, a happy life. And she was glad Alexei could experience what she never had as a child. Building blocks and dolls instead of cold, harsh beatings and the order to kill. No joy or laughter for the children in the Red Room. They only had each other. And she had James. But not always...

_Natalia didn't understand what was going on. After one of their missions they had separated them instantly, dragging James away to another part of the building and she had been sure the muffled screams had been his. In the three weeks she had known him this had never occurred and it worried her._

_She hadn't slept that night, wondering if they had gone too far. Weapons were not supposed to have feelings. They had always been professional on missions, nothing had gone wrong. Yes, the intimacy had taken place outside the surveilled rooms but they had kept their relationship a secret as best as they could, and damn they_ were _the best._

_There was no breakfast for her and no lunch either. She hadn't been hungry anyway, a queasiness and the foreboding sense of something dreadful making her sick._

_In the afternoon they had dragged her into a bleak white room with a two way mirror for observation, torn off her clothes and strapped her to a hospital bed. She was already used to losing all dignity for whatever test they performed on her, so she didn't protest. Protest only brought pain._

_As the door opened again the Soldier was making his way inside. At first she had been relieved, then she saw his eyes and knew this was not_ her _James anymore. He was a shadow of himself, a ghost._

Natasha gasped at the image of him while she tried to tell herself that it must have only been a clever little plot of theirs to fool their handlers into thinking there had been no romance between them. Desperately she tried to figure out how it had ended, but well… there weren't many options to choose from. Yet still she stood by her belief that this hadn't been her James. So whatever had happened afterward had not been his own decision and she couldn't blame him for it. Hell, she didn't even blame him for almost killing her a few times in his brainwashed state. Her entire hatred was centered around the Red Room, around HYDRA, and what they had done to them.

"Everything alright, Nat?" Laura asked her as she saw her friend tensing up.

"Yeah, just the slightly darker past making a house call." She answered and blocked the bad memories.

"Don't dwell on it. Then was then and now is now." Mrs Barton recited.

Natasha took a deep breath and used these words as a shield against the darkness. Yes, the Red Room no longer pulled the strings. She had all the power now to shape a better tomorrow for her friends, her family and herself.

~.~

Hundreds of miles away and after exhausting hours with countless in the end destroyed punching bags James had finally been able to find rest, although the sleep was far from peaceful...

_He walked over to her while opening his belt and pulling out his member. The Soldier forced his body onto her, spitting into his hand and using it to get himself ready._

_Natalia watched his movement in disbelief. This wasn't how they usually did it. It was wrong… She groaned as he pressed inside her, needing a few tries until he was fully buried. It hurt and bruised her so she tried to get comfortable, imagining how pleasurable it_ could _be with him to ease his thrusts but it was hard when he rubbed her raw like that. His grim expression revealed it wasn't pleasant for him either but he kept going._

_This time there was no kindness or a smile. It was cold and calculating. Only chasing the end, using her as a sheath while she tried to suppress the pained gasps._

_Natalia looked up at the white ceiling with the flickering lights, blocking all the hatred and desperation she was feeling. What had they done to her Soldier?_

_The other men laughed as he abused her. In the end they left the observation room, looking for one of less valuable and more likely disposable the girls for themselves._

_The moment she felt no more eyes lingering on them she finally gave in to her emotions, letting the tears fall freely._

_The Soldier too must have realized that the audience had seen enough and left, his job nearly finished. He took up speed and groaned, his teeth bruising her neck as he tried to muffle his own sounds. Thrusting harder than ever before he started to tear skin since her body refused to provide enough lubrication. It only fueled his anger._

_In the end he gripped her hips tight enough to leave marks before burying himself as deeply as he could. He threw his head back but made no sound as he came, filling her up. Entirely exhausted he didn't even care about crushing her as he collapsed on top of her small body._

_Natalia closed her eyes and swallowed down all her grief. It wasn't his fault. "James…" she whispered gently as her fingers ran through his slick hair._

_Then it happened. He froze on top of her, realizing, memories flooding back to him in waves like the aftershocks of his orgasm._

_Natalia felt something damp in the crook of her neck where he had buried his face. Shushing she continued to provide him comfort._

_"Мне так жаль…" ("I'm so sorry…") James was trembling now, breaking under the weight of his sins, his wretched life as a mindless weapon, of what he had done to her._

_At least their ways would part soon and she wouldn't have to stand this torture for much longer. He didn't want to be the one defiling her. In a week she would show the first signs and he would report it, so she could have her graduation ceremony and be done with him._

_If only… no, he wasn't allowed to hope…_

_~.~_

"Sir, I am sorry to wake you but Fury requested your presence in his office." Jarvis voice woke him from the dream.

Bucky gasped as he bolted up in his bed. He was drenched in sweat and there was another salty moisture on his cheeks he didn't understand. The memory of the dream slipped from him while his brain booted up. But it filled him with a lingering horror and the knowledge that he had abused Natalia while being her trainer. She should not have to deal with him any longer. He was a nightmare for whoever he had feelings for. For everyone he cared for. As much as he wanted to be a gentle lover and a good father this could never be his life…

But damn, he was a stubborn jerk who would rather die than stop trying. HYDRA could no longer control him the way they had before. They would never ever be able to erase his memories of her. He would treat her like the woman he loved, not a mission.

"Sir?" Jarvis asked again.

"Yes… I'll be there…" Giving in to duty and whatever way of redemption the director might have for him seemed like a good distraction.

During a quick shower he heard the text alarm of his phone and knew a few more pictures would be streaming in.

While brushing his teeth he looked at the screen of his mobile phone and felt a tear rolling down his cheek. He should be there with his family, reveling in all the fun time they had, being a part of it and adding to the amount of joyful experiences. But how could he? There were civilians in the perimeter as far as he could see. Bucky swallowed down his anger and looked at the pictures with longing. Soon, one day, whenever that might be. He could have this, with Natalia and Alexei.

He wondered what Fury wanted from him now. He was still not cleared for missions. A week without incident and yet another evaluation still in front of him.

Skipping breakfast he had made his way to the office, quickly allowed inside.

"Good afternoon, Sergeant Barnes."

He nodded his head. "Sir. May I ask why I was summoned?"

"A jet will be provided for you. I want you to get to these coordinates." He outstretched his hand and gave him a simple paper with a few numbers on it. "It is secure and has to remain unknown to anyone else."

That sounded familiar. How much did the director actually know? Even Stark couldn't tell him where Natasha had went off to in the cloaked jet. "What is my mission?" He asked as if he hadn't connected the dots.

"Just be there in time for dinner. And take Stark's present with you."

"How did you…?" Bucky muttered but was stopped when something made out of metal was shoved over the table toward him.

"And this." With that he was dismissed.

~.~

Sleep hadn't come easily last night, leaving her an exhausted and nervous mess the entire morning while flashbacks unsettled her. At least the memories after the… bad one had been mostly pleasant. Many of them about the friendly way they had behaved around one another when they had been sure nobody was looking. Smiles, a specific reaction to something or just a phrase he had said.

_"Мне всегда нравились рыжие" ("I always liked redheads.")_

_"Почему?" ("Why?")_

_"Не знаю. Просто у меня к ним слабость. Они выделяются из толпы, приятно пахнут. О, и мне всегда нравилось, как их волосы рассыпаются по подушке, словно розы на белом снегу." ("Don't know. Just have a thing for them. They stand out of the crowd, smell nice. Oh and I like the way their hair spreads out on the pillow like roses on white snow.")_

Why were the last words so bittersweet?

Before she could wonder about it the flashback continued. She saw her own reflection in his eyes as he laid her down on the bed. It was like a mirror making her understand why it was such a beautiful image, as if he offered her this insight into his mind through the windows of his soul.

Compromised, lost, in love. That was the best way of describing the foolishly childish behavior during their relationship decades ago. _And you know what else?,_ Natasha said to herself. _I want it back. Because it was lovely, sexy, irresistible and turns me into a mewling mess of hormones and basic instinct. And I don't give a damn about how stupid that sounds._

This threw her into another predicament of having her body ready for something she would not have in the near future. Natasha knew sexual frustration could turn into violence even for a woman as self-controlled as her. Once the vacation ended she would either have to drag Barnes into her bed or go out on a mission to let out some steam.

Sensing her issues Clint had stepped in and ordered her to take a nap while he took the kids outside to play. In the end her grumpy self had succumbed to his advise but rest was forevermore something unachievable.

 _Make the kitten purr..._ Laura's words still lingered in her ears while her mind pondered over how to seduce the Soldier and lead him back into her bed.

A long time ago he had been at her mercy. That much Natasha knew but which techniques she had used on him, what worked the best, what made him lose all rational thought, what made him shout her name..., the details were still beyond reach. But she was getting closer to recover them every minute she concentrated on regaining them.

The Soldier in her memories had never been a very vocal one. Reaching a level of physical exertion that made him pant and groan was a hard won achievement with his serum powered body. But it was not impossible. The other reason that had made it difficult was his programming which muted and deadened the emotional sensation behind the sex, turning it into a purely physical act like combat training. But the Black Widow had managed it, had broken the weapon until he praised her in his dark, sultry voice.

Natasha could almost feel his metal fingers gently caressing her red curls while her mouth worked on him, sucking him dry. She had turned the feline predator, with all his might and control, into a purring kitten. She had been the best at ensnaring her mate and James had been the one who taught her this. He had been her testing ground and her teacher. And oh god, how much he surely had enjoyed his role.

The knowledge about this moment during their first night came back slowly, spreading a warm glow inside of her and making smile. More and more little glimpses came back which made her heart yearn for the Soldier. With a sigh she gave in to a deep, restful sleep.

_After the last shudder of pleasure Natalia collapsed on top of him, instantly embraced by his arms. She drank in his masculine scent as her heart slowly calmed down and her senses came back to her. Never had the young woman thought that this aspect of her duty could be so satisfying. All the horrific stories the other girls had told her were nothing but lies. James had shown her that._

_"Хорошо?" ("Good?") He asked with a smile as he gently stroked a sweaty strand of hair out of her face. His eyes were ablaze with lust and desire. He enjoyed his reward for good services very much. This girl was like clay in his hands, a virgin to shape into the perfect lover. She had so much potential, just waiting to be unlocked._

_"Очень. Вы так добры ко мне, сэр." ("Very. You are so good to me, sir.") A thought bloomed in her head. The other girls had told her how men liked to be treated. But given his size she didn't know how that could even work. But she wanted to know more about him, learn about his weaknesses and use them to her advantage. So she let her fingers wander lower and the moment she reached his center Natalia could see his pupils dilating in excitement. "Если позволите…" ("If you allow me to...") At first she hadn't been sure of what he might think about her taking initiative. The girls had to follow orders, not develop a mind of their own. But somehow Natalia was certain that her Soldier would be fine with it._

_He actually grinned. "Считай меня своей морской свинкой" ("Consider me your guinea pig.") He knew how most men, no, all of them, just used the students as sex toys, as something to stick your dick into in any way they liked. It didn't matter to them if the girls felt comfortable, let alone enjoy it. But he was sure that enough room to experience and learn in their own pace was much more fruitful. With a quick glance at the camera he wondered if the watchdogs had approved thus far. But since no one had entered yet, pulling them apart from each other, they either sanctioned and approved or simply didn't care. Well, give it a few weeks and they would see how well he trained their best student._

_Natalia licked her lips at his words. This man was now her playground and she was eager to discover every hidden secret. Lifting her body she settled between his spread legs, calculating what to do. He was half hard, but still a formidable sight. Her mouth watered. She would claim him. But how? Doubt overshadowed her faith in her own skills, wondering if she could reach the high expectations. Natalia didn't realize she was staring at him for almost a minute, making him wait. God, she made him wait. A cold fear ran through her but it seemed unfounded. She had expected him to grab her head and push her down but he didn't. No, James even submitted and let his hands close around the metal headboard with a smug smile of his face and a cocky wink of his eyebrows. He was giving her the reins, thoroughly. Damn, did he know what that did to her?_

_"Не укушу. Если только ты не будешь." ("I won't bite. Unless you do.") He added and reveled in her slightly nervous expression, her trained face remained blank but there was something in her eyes, betraying her. This girl was so wonderful. He could already see that she let her guard down more for him than she might ever had in her life. And he liked that. The thought about what pleasures they could give one another made his cock twitch and harden._

_She raised an eyebrow before finally engaging. Her fingers gently massaged his thighs, working toward the middle, but shortly before she reached his center she started over again. His manhood responded, swelled and rose up. He was a masterpiece, sculptured to perfection, ready to be worshiped. At last her hand took hold of him, feeling the strong pulse pumping blood into it, making it ready for more. Her other hand went to his balls, cupping them and rolling them between her fingers. A slight gasp left his lips and she knew she was on the right track. A minute of slow and sensuous pumps was more than enough to get him ready, but she enjoyed the feel of silky skin over hard structure so much she was mesmerized. He didn't seem to mind, his eyes half closed and his breathing calm and relaxed. So Natalia continued, the movement feeling so right and good, having him entirely in her hand. She wanted to draw it out. For once the student was the master._

_He misjudged her tardiness for hesitation. "Можешь делать это руками, если тебе так удобней" ("You can do it with your hands as well, if you prefer.") Maybe going down in that way was still too much for her?_

_His words made her halt. Did he really think she was going slow because she was scared or uncomfortable? "Нет, просто…" ("No, it's just...") Then she had arranged her thoughts again. "Нас всегда учили, какими словами пользоваться. Я хочу, чтобы ты сказал мне, приемлемы ли они. Научи меня, как делать это." ("They have taught us words to use. I want you to tell me if they are alright. Teach me how to do it.")_

_He nodded, accepting her request. There was a sly twinkle in his eyes. This might get interesting._

_With one last gulp she had finally finished her plan. Her pumping fingers drew out the stroke until they reached the top of him. Her thumb circled over the tip, collecting pre-cum. By now he had reached his final proportions, standing proud and tall and she marveled at the result of her efforts. Even with both hands over each other she wouldn't be able to cover him entirely in length. "Ты такой длинный и толстый" ("You are so long and thick.") A low purr echoed in her throat. "О, как я наслаждалась твоими толчками во мне. Ты заполняешь меня, расширяешь меня своим огромным членом. Великолепное произведение искусства." ("Oh, how much I enjoyed you thrusting into me. You fill me up, expanding me with your huge cock. This is a gorgeous piece of work.") According to her training she should also mention how she had never felt someone as big as him, that others dwarfed in comparison to him. But half of that would be an empty lie. He was her first after all. So she went for something else. "Как ты пульсировал во мне, когда кончил. Так много. Ты наполнил меня до краёв. " ("How you were pulsing inside of me when you came. So much. You filled me up to the brink.") She could actually still feel the huge amount of cum slowly dripping out of her. Most of it had gone straight into her womb but she knew he had overflown that vessel up as well. "Мне нужно почувствовать тебя и у меня во рту. Хочу смаковать тебя." ("I need to feel that in my mouth too. I want to savor you.") With that she lowered herself but didn't swallow him up yet, just laying her head on his thighs, her tongue touching him carefully, as if she wanted to try it out. She could taste herself on him._

_Holy hell. She was amazing. He felt himself leaking even more pre-cum, which she collected with her thumb, smearing it around, making her movements easier. He had to concentrate as to not come at her words alone. "О, моя прекрасная девочка, тебе не нужно никакого обучения от меня." ("Oh, my beautiful girl, you don't need any teaching by me.")_

_"Научи меня в любом случае." ("Teach me anyway,") she whispered. Natalia could smell him now stronger than ever, being so close. This musky scent drove her insane. She wanted to pleasure him, to own him. Now was the moment. Her head lifted while her hand steadied him. Then she lowered herself with her mouth opened. Engulfing the source of his musk. She had the tip on her tongue, playing with it, then swallowing and sucking. A moan escaped her throat as she felt him twitching in excitement. More!_

_James could barely stop himself from thrusting into her mouth. So hot, tight and irresistible. "Ты маленькая распутница." ("You little minx.") His hands clenched around the metal, trying not to take the lead by using force._

_Within a minute she got used to the salty taste. It wasn't exactly pleasant, but her inner demon reveled in it. Somehow she was drawn to it more than anything. Her movements became more vigorous. Her fingers gripped him tighter, pumping in rhythm to her head. "Mmmh..." She pulled away from him with a sultry pop to speak. "Ты так хорош на вкус. Я хочу наполнить свой рот твоей спермой." ("You taste so good. I want you to fill my mouth with your cum.") She licked along his shaft. "Хочу крутить её своим языком и показать тебе. Прежде чем я проглочу, наслаждаясь вкусом. " ("I want to swirl it with my tongue and show it to you. Before I swallow it down, savoring the taste.")_

_He actually mewled at that._

_With every move of her head she took him in deeper. There was no chance at getting him in her throat entirely, but she might get close. The other girls had shown her tricks of how to use your cheeks but she wanted to go all the way. When she swallowed him down too far for comfort, she allowed herself another moment of rest, speaking to him. "Хочу тебя в своём горле, глубоко и хорошо. И потом ты выплеснешь свой нектар. Вольёшь в меня, взорвёшься так глубоко внутри меня, так сильно, что направишься прямо вглубь по моему горлу, заполняя мой живот своей спермой." ("I want you in my throat, buried deep and good. And then you will release your nectar. Pumping into me, exploding so deep inside of me, so forcefully, that you go straight down my throat, filling up my belly with your cum.") She sucked on him before lowering her head again. This time actually passing the point that made her choke without any issue. And she sucked him down even further._

_"Боже мой…" ("Holy Christ...") He gasped and his hips bucked into her. Watching her was a sinful bliss._

_"Хочу пить тебя. Каждый день, и никогда больше не испытывать жажду." ("I want to drink you. Every day, and never be thirsty again.") Okay, now for the main event._

_The moment he actually felt her nose touching his belly he thought this was just a hallucination. How could a small woman like her swallow all of him?_

_It was easier than expected. Natalia felt him stretching her throat. After everything the other girls had told her it should be a moment of entire surrender, giving up all dignity and submitting, but this... It felt like the exact opposite. She wasn't at his mercy, he was at hers. Oh, Natalia had him in her grasp and he was like wax to mold. She tried to make a sound of approval, which made her throat vibrate. The helpless groan was all she needed to suck harder. God, he was close. A little touch might send him into oblivion. So her fingers tightened around his balls again. They had drawn upward somehow, more difficult to reach. With a slick noise she withdrew again to speak. "Хочу, чтобы ты извергался в моём горле. Я проглочу тебя. Ты – самое восхитительное, что я когда-либо пробовала на вкус. Хочешь, я проглочу это?" ("I want you to explode in my throat. I will swallow you down. You are the most delicious thing I have ever tasted. Do you want me to swallow it?") The real question was: Should I leave it in my mouth for you to see or suck it down?_

_He didn't even understand her question with all the need and lust in his head. But he was sure she still knew what to do. Hell, whatever she did, it would be perfect. Another lick, sucking thoroughly, her tongue playing with the tip. Hell, he was gone faster than he had ever imagined._

_"Дай мне свой вкус." ("Give me your taste.") She knew that the Soldier was entirely helpless now. This was her one chance in a lifetime. She drew back once more, locking her eyes with his, showing him what she wanted to do. Then it happened. She went down on him again, all the way until her face touched his skin, feeling the hard muscles underneath. Her throat instinctively contracted to swallow, tightening around him rhythmically._

_That was all it took. He bucked helplessly before coming with an animalistic growl. The first spurt shot straight down to her stomach. Then Natalia drew back, moaning and giving him even more sensation with it while she swallowed down everything he gave. Her throat and mouth filled up with it. She could barely keep up. How could he come so much even after his last pleasures? She didn't mind, sucking him dry until he was a shivering mess, mumbling praises of how well she had done._

_When Natalia gave him one last lick she looked up again, into his eyes full of adoration and bliss. He gently caressed her head, stroking through her hair. "Ты великолепна." ("You are magnificent.")_

~.~

The moment Natasha awoke she could still feel the force pounding into her throat. God, he was perfect and she wanted this example of maleness more than anything. And in this century she couldn't have him... Too wrapped up in his guilt, too afraid to hurt her. Oh, why was fate so unkind? These angering thoughts were enough to wake her up entirely and make her growl in frustration.

Blinking away the memory she knew there was no way she could stand being around James as soon as she came back. They had texted a few times since she had left and it seemed like he was actually faring better. So this was the logical choice. He could take care of Alexei as soon as she was out again. Now, she only needed to convince Fury. Him being on quick dial didn't give her enough time to prepare herself when she decided to make the call.

A rough yet warm voice answered her. "Romanoff, it's your weekend off. Why are you even talking to me? Shouldn't you be playing house with your family?"

She bit back an angry retort and took a deep breath before answering. "The weekend won't be enough. I just need to get out as soon as I leave them and am back at the tower. I need a fight to let out some steam."

"Trouble in paradise?" There was just this tiny bit in his voice that told Natasha he was keeping a secret, a mischievous, dirty little plan.

"It won't bother me on the field. So, do you have a mission for me as soon as I come back?"

"I think I have a better idea." He said with a grin.

What the hell was that supposed to mean? "What?"

"Let's just say, be outside near the pond in about two hours."

That ominous message really riled her up. Why could the man never talk to to her in proper statements? "Why?"

"I have a present for you."

~.~

During his flight in one of Stark's concealed jets Bucky couldn't stop wondering why they had let him go all on his own so easily. Yes, the trigger words were gone and he had been on his best behavior for a while now except for the incident with Natasha. And that was exactly where he was heading right now. Closing in on the coordinates he realized how far away from civilization the "secure location" actually was. Nothing but a backwater countryside with farmers that took care of their own food supply and needs. So whatever happened wouldn't lead to that many casualties.

He still couldn't shake that dreadful feeling about something that had happened in their past. He couldn't quite pinpoint it and the harder he tried the more he seemed to forget, like he was protecting himself from the revelation until he was… ready. But when would that be? And what would he find then? The Soldier tried to focus on what was important and see the light. So many wonderful things had happened to him since he fled HYDRA and even more were within his reach. He had to think positive, take a page out of Steve's book and believe in himself and that he could do it right. No more lingering the past for now. The future was bright and shining like the snow that covered the area. God, did optimism make him cheesy?!

At the same time he felt Natalia's voice in his mind, a memory of so long ago.

_"У тебя когда-нибудь был секс в снегу?" ("Ever had sex in the snow?")_

_"Нет" ("No.")_

_"Хочешь попробовать?" ("Care to try?")_

Bucky sighed as he started to land the jet close to a line of trees that would hide the vehicle in case something malfunctioned. Well, here goes nothing...

~.~

Natasha was currently questioning Laura about a recipe she was cooking while she checked on Alexei behind her. The snowmen endeavor had ended with the oldest boy being the fastest finishing it, the girl with a female one just the size of Alexei's. And well, her own son had made a very… detailed version. The children had gotten along very well with Alexei perfectly adapting to the situation as if he had always been around others, being kind and polite, creative and entertaining. The boy was currently playing with the Barton brood on the carpet, the little Lego object already representing the Stark tower in all its details. The Widow could picture that even the interior was a perfect replication.

Hawkeye stiffened next to her and she knew some alarm must have been tripped. Clint pulled out his phone to look at some picture or so it seemed. "We have a visitor." He muttered into her ear, only audible for the Black Widow alone.

The moment she realized what he had meant by that Natasha went white. She tried to breathe but it was impossible.

"The guest room is ready for you. Hasn't been christened thus far but…"

Natasha growled at that. "I am not that impulsive." _And he isn't either._

"We'll see." He chuckled and threw her jacket at her.

~.~

With quivering legs she had taken her route outside, leaving Alexei to the Bartons and the boy had instantly given into his mother's weird whims, almost as if he knew his mother needed this moment right now.

It was freezing out here since the sun started to set, a fierce wind taking up where the joyous winter day had stopped. But Natasha could barely feel it. Everything felt numb as she ventured down the pathway to the pond where she was certain she would find him.

Even from so far away Natasha knew this shadow by heart. It was her Soldier, walking towards her with a determined stride. Oh dear god… Her knees were already turning weak. She felt the flashbacks creeping up on her while she tried suppress their strong impact, but it was in vain. The burning desire between her thighs intensified and the fact that she had rather decided to phone Fury instead of giving her body at least a little bit of satisfaction after the dream was now taking its toll on her self-control.

It was awkward, standing there in the snow with his gaze entirely focused on her. As soon as he was in front of her none of them moved a finger. Not knowing of how the other might respond.

Natasha was sure she would scare him away if she kissed him right now. And James was certain he would step over the line if he spoke a word.

Natasha tried to find a topic that might hide her need for him. "This is unexpected, but thanks for coming. Alexei already asked why you didn't come with us. He wants to ride a sledge with you."

"It's a beautiful winter day. I will gladly indulge in his desires."

 _And what about mine?_ "Yes, he is very excited about the snow."

It had taken him about ten seconds to analyze his surroundings. "There are snowmen in the backyard." James chuckled. He used to build them with Steve while lifting the heavier orbs Rogers had created onto the leg part since the skinny boy had made them too big to carry around.

"Have you seen…" She didn't continue, letting him figure it out on his own.

"The one with the chunk of wood for a left arm? Yes, I did."

"He made you." Natasha said with a smile. "Considering the objects he had to work with it is very detailed."

"I noticed. He is very creative." The thought that the two of them, trained killers, broken by force to feel nothing, had created a child so wonderfully innocent made warmth spread in his body, making him relax a little, opening him up.

"And smart." She knew now he wouldn't shy away anymore and hugged him tightly. "He adores you, looks up to you."

"He shouldn't…" The Winter Soldier countered with a sad smile. All the thoughts inside of him racing, making him want to be good enough for his son. And Natasha would lead him on that path, just like she had always done. So her embrace was a longed for touch and he held her tightly, protecting her from the cold wind, as her delicate form melted against him. She didn't show any signs of fear which made him temporarily forget that he had the ability to hurt her.

"He should." She answered in a determined voice.

"Did you see the red rags on the snowman next to… er… mine?"

"I did." Lily had made it with a certain image in mind.

"I think it's meant to represent you."

"I know. Did you see how close they are standing next to each other?" They were tip-toeing around the very important question, always sure of being on thin ice with the other one. They couldn't have been more wrong.

"They could practically hold hands."

Natasha didn't reply, she merely entangled her fingers with his and moved toward him. Her lips close enough to steal a kiss.

James drowned in the mesmerizing color of her eyes, taking all his defenses down and pushing his doubts far away. He swallowed and took a deep breath. "I want to try it again."

"No breaking bones this time?" She just had to tease him a little bit, with a sultry tone and a raised eyebrow.

He pulled out some ordinary handcuffs, Fury's farewell. "I've got this." Well, and the duffle bag with Tony's present in it over his shoulders. Was everyone a matchmaker nowadays? It was like there were betting on… oh no...

Natasha chuckled at the absurdity of their situation. "They won't hold."

"But they'll keep me focused until Stark can make adjustments to my arm."

He allowed others to tamper with it? The Black Widow couldn't quite believe this and from his looks neither did he. She stared at him, trying to find words that might strengthen his decision, before finally grinning. Natasha couldn't stop herself from asking this question. "Do the adjustments also include a built-in vibrator?"

"What?" He gasped out laughing.

"Just kidding." God, he was so sweet. "I adore you." Then she pressed a kiss against his lips. A quick one to ease the tension in a playful way. But she hadn't expected his reaction, or her own, as soon as she had made that contact. Her lips still tingled and the sensation went straight to her belly, making her ache for more.

For a few seconds a variety of emotions fought inside of him, clearly visible on his face. Surprise, kindness, cocky arrogance. These were something from before the war. His first reaction being the most natural one, the original. Then a shadow of doubt darkened his features once more. Fear, frustration, anger. All of them laced with the brutality and coldness of the Winter Soldier and how much he hated this side of him.

Natasha's breath hitched in her throat. God, how could she love both of these façets on him? The young man eager to prove how good a lover he was, a father and a friend, lucky to have her and showing it to her in the sheets at night and with simple smiles at any time.

And on the other hand the Soldier who pound into her so forcefully and without mercy, tearing at her hair and biting into her skin to cause pain until she was turned into a mewling mess, craving his brutal touch.

The thought of him dominating her body, of him owning her, conquering and hunting her like a wild animal slaying its prey, brought back her darker side. The Widow, the seductress that could make men weep or cry with joy, until she had them at her mercy. Oh yes, James had been a good teacher. And now she would tame him, the monster, the predator. She would bring the beast down to its knees until she could have him on a leash like an obedient dog. Well, James certainly had the puppy look mastered right now. The final emotion on his features being helplessness and in need of her guidance. He was begging her to do the next step, ready to submit to her ideas of how this would end. Oh, and she'd shape this into a wonderful experience that he would never regret.

"We have two options now: Going inside, eating dinner and entertaining the kids until it's bedtime and we can have our fun. Or we do it in the shed, but we have to be fast."

"As much as I enjoy a good quicky, I want our first time together again to be properly consummated in a bed. I had thoughts about nailing you to the mattress for hours. Now I want days."

Since she was so close to him now she could feel his heartbeat, his desire and the surely painful issue he must have now. "I'd still advise we'd do something to take the edge off. Can't let you walk in there and spook the kids with your hard-on."

He chuckled helplessly at that. "The moment I saw you…" His hand closed around his groin, trying to give himself enough friction to calm down. Natasha was right. He couldn't meet children with that tent over his hips.

"Come with me," she took his metal hand and already felt how he was holding back, the fingers limb in hers as to not crush her. Well, if that was a problem she knew how to conquer it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it. Totally let myself go with that blowjob scene. Normally I don't use that dirty talk to this extent but… I just had to try it out once. ^^ And cloaking it to be a task to do, a training for her, made it a lot easier, since it was half act, half truth.
> 
> And there is a reason why some memories don't fit together or why they don't remember them after waking up. Bear with me. All will be revealed once they retrace their past. But we first have smut, smut, smut, a wedding, a conception and a lot of family fluff in front of us.
> 
> Expect the barn to be nearly torn down in the next chapter. ^^
> 
> Please review. They keep me going.
> 
> And I think I just reached page 200 of pure story text in my file XDDD


	26. Scratching the itch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Bucky needs to get his tenting trousers under control before he meets the Barton's. Natasha gladly helps and they have a moment in which they share their real, uncensored thoughts and finally admit how much they want one another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it took me so long. My WinterWidow one shots (the first of them is a preview of the very last chapter this story will have. and the other one for Bucky's birthday in which Natasha messes up the cake) had priority as well as the "100 years of Bucky Barnes" video you can now watch on YouTube. It's a trashy, funny cosplay thing I did with my Nat.
> 
> Hope you enjoy those three things ^^ reviews are appreciated.
> 
> Thank you, Dectie, for the Russian translation.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this one. Especially the puns on the end. They're borderline but just enough sarcasm that they should make you smile.

"What is this place anyway?" Bucky asked as she dragged him over to the barn.

Was he really not connecting the dots? "The Barton farm. Clint and I sometimes come here to remind us of what we are protecting." She tried to keep it as vague as possible. Let him figure it out on his own as soon as he saw Laura and the kids. Surely he would now suspect that Clint had a family but not having added to the numbers himself, maybe only having nieces and nephews of his sibling here.

He merely nodded as she guided him into the building. As soon as she had turned on the light a glimpse of a memory came back to him. "This feels familiar."

She grinned at that. Of course it did. More than once their extraction hadn't arrived on time and they had to hide somewhere from the search teams. "A farmers' village north of St. Petersburg is maybe the most memorable night for me. Or should I say nights?" She added with a grin. "It was deep winter and we were cut off from everything with comms down. I argued with you that I couldn't make a two days walk through the wilderness in such weather conditions and you gladly decided that we could wait out the storm."

His memory came back with each word she spoke but it wasn't exactly as she described it. In his mind the ones on their trail hadn't been enemies of the Red Room. Who exactly it had been was still blurry to him, as was the reason why he deemed her unfit for such a long walk without transport. They had to keep off the streets as to not been seen by anyone. A nagging question in his mind screamed 'Why?'. Somehow he knew the mission had not been the reason for them to desperately find a safe location to rest. The only thing he remembered for certain was how frail she had felt in his arms when he kept her warm. A body so young with a mind that had seen so much already.

Looking for a suitable place to engage in her current mission she strolled around, letting him take in the architecture as well. Pretty much a do-it-yourself design. But Clint had added a few extras for safety, hidden away.

Bucky noticed the archery equipment in the corner and grinned. His training always dictated him to look for whatever he could use to defend himself. Yet because of the Widow's carefree demeanor he knew that there was nothing to fear.

She felt the desire spreading through her veins as she realized that this was it. At last, her Soldier would be hers again. And the seductress would make sure he didn't regret his choice. God, she wanted him on a leash... A shiver ran down her spine as she remembered the handcuffs and how they could be used. The Red Room had done one thing right. They had given her an expert skill set when it came to entrapping her mate. Well, actually the Widows had been taught by their trainers in every regard, and James had been her private one. On one side it was a pity he didn't remember all the details, yet on the other hand it was a blessing. Everything would be new and exciting while it would feel familiar, so in sync with each other. Christ, how much they could do together...

Natasha was still deep in thought and looking for the perfect spot when he spoke up.

"Warum liegt da Stroh? (Why is there hay?)" Bucky said with a chuckle and a terrible accent.

The woman stopped and looked at him in confusion. "What?" She understood the words but the question didn't make much sense.

"Oh, just a joke from a porn. A running gag, a meme." He told her with a boyish grin.

Natasha raised a perfectly sculptured eyebrow. "You do seem to acclimatize faster than Steve. Did you manage to hack Jarvis' safety locks and browse the net?"

Bucky stiffened and grit his teeth. "You won't like the answer."

"Try me." She said daringly.

"HYDRA. Even they have porn. The team was waiting for the commander to arrive and they found something to pass their time. I had just been wiped a few hours prior, awaiting my orders, motionless like a piece of furniture, so they weren't bothered by me. I wasn't very capable of grasping my surroundings anyway." He explained grudgingly.

"That must have been quite traumatic waking up with nothing to remember but how to kill. And then seeing a porn as your first new memory..." She wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

"It could have been worse. Beatings were quite common. As long as I was still in a daze they took their frustration out on me as some kind of 'Who dares to punch the infamous Soldier?'. I think I was just glad they didn't decide to try out the porn's plot on me."

Natasha shuddered.

"The team was still watching the porn when our commander entered. He had been silent enough for the others not to notice. I had heard him of course, but decided to see how it would play out. Despite everyone thinking I was a mindless puppet I had an evil glee spreading inside me. I think it was my original personality bleeding through. Waiting for the outcome. And it was fun. He just shook his head and let them scrub the toilets as punishment for the entire next month. To me he said: 'I hope that was an education.'"

"And was it?" She felt the entire mood lifting.

He leaned in closer. "A minute with you is a million times more educational."

With a smirk she asked: "Only a million?"

Satisfied with the turn of their conversation he motioned to the hay. "I remember from experience that it isn't exactly comfortable."

"Oh that's not what I had in mind."

"Then what do you have planned?" Now he was intrigued. "The workbench?"

"Nope. Barton will kill me if we ruin it. The wooden beam above you." She raised her head.

Confusion laced his features. "I don't think Barton has a love swing." He studied the beam and then it clicked. Bucky jumped up and grabbed the wood while his body hung prone to whatever she intended to do.

"That will keep your arms busy." She walked around him, her fingers gently tracing the hard muscles of his broad frame. "Giving you the chance to revel in whatever pleasures I can evoke."

The mere thought of how she could use her seductive skills to... James swallowed thickly and tried to concentrate on his breathing. He would finish before she even opened his fly.

"James. You don't have to prove anything." Natasha chuckled she saw his furrowed eyebrows. "Just relax and enjoy." Her hands slowly lifted his shirt so her lips could kiss the skin right below his navel.

So close... "Oh god. You will pay for this cruelty later."

"What cruelty?" Natasha asked innocently while her skilled fingers opened his trousers.

He braced himself for the cold but Natasha didn't seem to be in a hurry. She rubbed her cheek against his hard abs while her hands played with the waistband.

"Stop being such a tease, Natalia." The Soldier growled in frustration and earned a dark, delicious laugh that sent chills down his spine.

She knew he was too close to continue playing around so her fingers slipped into his shorts, taking a hold of him.

Bucky couldn't suppress the helpless pained cry that left his lips as he tried to remain in his position. The moment he forgot about holding himself up he would grip her hair and thrust his hips against her face. The Soldier knew that if he lost control now bones would break under the force of his metal arm.

Natasha knew this as well and the predator inside her purred with excitement. Oh, she would play him until the only thing he was able to say was her name. She waited until he got used to the pressure of her fingers around his shaft before carefully freeing him.

The cold air did wonders to his self control but that didn't last long.

Natasha marveled at the piece of art in front of her. Rippling muscles and silky skin that bore the marks of torture and a life of hardship and pain. She wanted to trace those lines, caress the agony away. His already strong frame was hardened by the years of training and battles. And then there was his cock. This proud example of manhood. She knew what her body and her skills could do to men but this was different. He wanted her for everything that she was, not just a cover or disguise created to ensnare, but her. She felt the gleeful smirk spreading over her lips as she came close enough so he could feel her warm breath on his skin.

"Holy sweet..." He bucked against her in pure instinct, his tip touching her plump lips. God, her mouth was halfway open. He just had to lift his body and thrust forward and then he could bury himself in her hot mouth. It was too much... He had to concentrate...

Natasha saw drops of precum forming on the tip. He wouldn't have long so she tried to plan the best way of satisfying his needs. It was easier to let her body and instincts take over. Her subconscious had never forgotten what it took to make him gasp and moan and the recently remembered memory of how she once had pleasured him guided her along this path.

Her tongue licked a circle around his tip and earned a Russian curse from him as well as the wooden beam protesting. Hopefully the bar could stand up to his strength. Natasha held him firmly with one hand at the base before swallowing him as deep as her untrained throat was able to at the moment. He jerked inside her, growing in size enough to make her retreat and gasp for air.

"Natalia..." He didn't know how to stand her delicious torture. He had to focus on staying in place. Focus… "Zack Wheat 1909 to 1926. Still all-time leader in hits, doubles, and triples... 3rd in RBIs..."

Natasha retreated with a slick noise that made him murmur even louder. "Are you seriously thinking about baseball, right now?" She emphasized while inwardly grinning at the knowledge that he was only doing it to prove that he was not an eager teenager getting his very first blow job. He wanted to impress her, how sweet… The Black Widow could have used some of her tricks to speed things up to the point where he would have come with a single touch, but that wasn't what she wanted. And neither did she want him to distract himself enough to not enjoy it. But she knew very well how to play him.

Bucky cracked open an eye and regretted it instantly as he saw her so close to his prick with her cheeks flushed and her lips wet. His cock nearly jumped and he had to bite on his tongue to cause enough painful distraction. "Natasha, please..."

Her fingers held his hips in a tight grip and she used her nails to tease him even more, playful, but on the verge of pain, leaving red lines. The growl he gave her was more animal than human. It was music to her ears. She went down on him again, sucking greedily.

He was about to lose control. Only a tiny sliver of sanity holding him back from wrapping his thighs around her in the same way she had done to him and her enemies so often.

His manhood slipped further down her throat when his last resolve broke. But she knew, and she had made plans. It was a gamble of course, using these words, but she wanted to drive away everything HYDRA had done to him and replace it with something else. Retreating for a second to speak she whispered: "Ты будешь подчиняться. Ты будешь исполнять. (You will submit. You will comply.)" Her fingers dug into his thighs, holding him in place as her nails bruised the skin in a warning.

"You play with fire, doll." He growled in frustration but she merely chuckled. James was already too far gone to fully grasp the graveness of the situation and what she intended to achieve by driving him to the edge of his sanity.

She licked along a vein on his cock. "Oh we'll let the beast out to play soon enough, but I think we can tease him a little bit longer."

Did she just...? The beast as far as he understood was the Winter Soldier at his most brutal in bed. He couldn't hold back. He had to take her, to fuck her senseless, to...

"Солдат. (Soldat.)" Natalia hissed.

His eyes shot back to hers, seeing her untamed desire, all she was able to give him. Bucky tried to breathe but his body wouldn't cooperate. Every muscle was now following her orders. Yet somehow he wasn't scared by that. It was Natalia who had control over him and she would never hurt him, never use him the way he had been used. The Soldier hated her for having such power over him, and loved her. James would gladly follow her rules, follow her till the end of the line. "Я готов отвечать. (Ready to comply.)"

"Кончи для меня. (Come for me.)"

And he did. The Soldier was groaning her name when everything went white, when blinding pleasure overtook all his senses while he exploded in her mouth. He could feel her swallowing, sucking, prolonging his release. His senses came back slowly while he still whispered her name like a prayer. His body shook with the strain of staying in this position. When he felt her giving him one last expert lick he finally opened his eyes to look down at her. God, she had this smug grin on her lips. The lips that just had... His cock jerked, growing once more.

Natasha chuckled and raised an eyebrow. "Again?"

He couldn't answer, merely shaking his head. It took some effort to let go of the bar, splintered wood coming off as well. His legs wouldn't support him so he collapsed gracelessly onto the dirty ground. "You'll be the death of me."

"La Petite mort." Natasha tried to decide whether she should help him up or just lie down next to him and enjoy his reciprocation. Logic won in the end so she outstretched her arm and pulled him to his feet. "Come on. It's time to meet our hosts or they're gonna send a search team." Which would consist of the kids and she didn't want to be the one to screw them up when they saw the half naked soldier in his post orgasm bliss.

"You think they know what we have done out here?" He tugged himself back into his pants with shaking fingers. His desire had been sated enough to survive the dinner without any issues concerning weird angles in his clothing.

Of course Clint would suspect something. "We are both good actors. I'm just glad you didn't tear down the shed." Natasha pointed at the splintered wood of the timber he had been hanging from.

"Yeah…" James bit his lip. "Still, it was a good idea to keep me focused." He tried to replay the last minutes in his mind, to analyze how well it went, because next time would be the real thing and he decided to try and avert difficult moments that might lead to injuries on her side. He remembered the coldness of the air, the warmth of her mouth, the sharp pain of her fingernails and her voice saying...

After Natasha was certain both of them looked presentable she pulled him along with her. He still seemed to be in a daze.

The Soldier was finally able to piece together the last moments and froze. "Did you…?"

Natasha flashed him a grin. "Use a part of your triggers as sexual stimulant? Yes."

Bucky felt her pulling at his metal arm even harder but he stopped her, tearing himself from her grasp. "That was dangerous and stupid."

"I live for the danger. And also, the words are gone. I gambled and tried to give them a more… comfortable meaning." She gently touched his flesh hand and entwined her fingers with his.

Bucky stared at her for a second before he broke out in laughter. "If you had been the one to train me they wouldn't have needed the chair at all. I'd gladly followed your lead." He pulled her into an embrace and kissed her with all the passion and adoration he felt for her. This was so absurd. He could joke about all the cruelty HYDRA had done to him and it didn't make him feel sick or inappropriate. Well, a little bit too far into dark humor maybe, but still tolerable. What Natasha could do with him and for him was more he had ever hoped for. The burden of all the pain and his brutal deeds was furthermore a huge weight he would carry his whole life but it was easier to lift it now. He wouldn't break under it any longer.

"I can barely wait to bind you to a chair and ride you…" she whispered in a sultry voice. "Did I tell you…?"

His metal hand trailed up her thighs. "How you fought an entire Russian mob in a chair?"

She lifted the leg he was currently touching and wrapped it around his hip as he steadied her with a hand under her ass. "In the chair and with the chair…" Her voice was now a hoarse purr.

He pushed against her, grinding into that place between her thighs that was already soaking wet from need. "I was the one teaching you how to do so."

"I don't remember those lessons. Maybe we need to refresh that course." She licked her lips, eager to do exactly that.

He groaned at that thought. "I'm looking forward to it. But let's use a chair that doesn't belong to Stark. I would never hear the end of it if I broke another piece of his furniture…"

Natasha chuckled and buried her fingers in his thick hair. "Oh, I want to christen every surface on every floor in Stark's tower."

"I know a few that have the perfect height." Bucky told her, admitting that he had been thinking about it for quite some time now.

"This mission will take a while." Natasha acted as if she was calculating the details.

James held her close, his fingers caressing her cheek. "We've got all the time in the world." Right now it all seemed so easy, simple, natural. The Soldier had never been closer to true bliss. The darker thoughts were buried deep in his mind and he intended to keep them there. As long as he stayed in control those nightmarish outcomes were impossible, irrational even. He had to focus on good thoughts and not dwell in how it could go wrong. Because it wouldn't, not with her holding the leash.

She released a moan as he squeezed her ass even tighter. "I don't think I'll be able to ever walk straight again once we get started."

"If it were up to me, I'd tie you to a bed and have you in every way this perverted 21 century society has come up with."

"You certainly have the stamina to do so…" Natasha traced along the tense muscles in his back. "You have no idea how often I've been thinking about it, especially when you came back from training. Glowing with health and virility. I imagined you pounding into me…"

James shuddered at her confession.

She raked her nails across good lower back, making him thrust against her as a response. "... Like a battering ram."

The Soldier groaned, lifting her up and pressing her against the nearest surface. A thought made him chuckle. "Like a freight train?"

Did he just make a joke about his trigger words himself? Natasha kissed him on the lips. "I adore you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Autumn_Froste for the baseball stats. I have no clue about that XD
> 
> I wasn't certain if that porn does exist in English but it's like a running gag for German teens who watch their first porn collection. I think I know no man who doesn't break out laughing when he hears "Warum liegt da Stroh?"
> 
> I point again to my one shots "#Freedom for WinterWidow" and "Chili icing on the cake". As well as my youtube video "Young and stealthy - 100 years of James Bucky Barnes 3/10/1917 - Winter Soldier Black Widow Cosplay" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6M836iMNM0o
> 
> Thanks for reading and please review.


	27. The star that led me to her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky meets the Barton brood and realizes that his arm is better at lifting kids up in the air than using it to crush skulls.  
> A few darker flashbacks thrown into the mix as well which are triggered by innocent questions asked by the kids, like who taught Natasha "dancing".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry guys, for letting you wait so long. I hope the sweetness and feels in this chapter make up for it. Be aware that it switches between "bright summer's day" and "coldest winter night" quite quickly. One moment a mention can make your heart swell and in the next it makes you remember something horrible and you fall into a hole. And vice versa. That is what James and Nat go through in here. They walk on the fine line and they know it. Tread carefully…
> 
> Also a thanks to my Natasha and Bucky for giving me the motivation to write and to the reviewers who make this all worthwhile.  
> And thanks Nat for the beta ^^
> 
> Dectie sent me the corrected Russian translation today for the last and for this chapter so I could update them. thx my friend ^^

They held each other for a little while longer, not wanting to let go. The time seemed to stretch into an eternity of comfort and bliss yet in the end the icy grip of winter soon spread, sending chills into their bodies. He noticed Natasha starting to shiver and gave her one last kiss before retreating. "We should go inside."

The Black Widow nodded and waited until he had opened the big, wooden door for her. "You think you're up for it?" After her teasing question she felt his fingers slipping in between hers once more, seeking her strength.

Bucky felt his confidence dwindling with each step they took toward the house. "Anything I should know?" he asked as they walked onto the veranda.

"Oh come on. It'll be fine."

"Talia…" he looked at her pleadingly.

She gave him a quick kiss. "We are having mashed potatoes and roast beef for dinner."

James wanted to voice his annoyance about her answers just as she opened the door. Instantly his training kicked in. Foreign territory, so many unknowns,... the Soldier braced himself. It was alright. Everything would be fine.

"Alexei, guess who pays us a visit." Natasha said with a wide smile as she guided Barnes into the house. With a quick glance at Clint she assured herself that they would be fine with it.

Well, they were more than just fine, grinning knowingly and Clint also gave her the thumbs up before Laura shushed him.

"Mister Barnes, I am happy to finally meet you." Laura outstretched her hand in a friendly manner, not an ounce of fear in her.

James shook her hand and greeted her formally before adding: "Please, call me Bucky." He looked at Natasha for help.

Now it was time to drop the bomb. "That's Laura, Clint's wife." She watched his eyes widening at that revelation. "And there's the rest of the family. Cooper, Lila and the newborn Nathaniel sleeping in the other room until he needs a diaper change."

Bucky stared at the siblings peeking around the corner and couldn't believe it. Who would have thought that the archer could settle down? He looked at Natasha for a second, watching a lovely smile bloom on her face. She was thinking about it too. A calm country life far away from all the destruction and grief. Nothing the two assassins would ever be satisfied with but it was a nice thought nonetheless.

James was wary at first when the kids moved closer. In their steps he saw childish innocence and curiosity and not the fear of an unknown, intimidating stranger.

"Wow, that arm is so cool!" Cooper said in amazement as he pushed his sister aside and ran towards the Soldier.

At first Bucky had thought the boy was mocking him but when he saw that the child's sister also stared in awe he froze in confusion as the kids rained questions down on him.

"Is this steel? Or that stuff from Captain America's shield?"

"How can you move it? Can you feel anything with it?"

James sucked in a breath when the boy boldly touched his arm to check out the material. He could see Clint and Laura stiffening as well. The kids didn't know what their parents understood. The arm, no, the entire man, was a weapon capable of destruction.

Natasha saw how her lover had to struggle and decided to help by moving closer to him and holding his hand, but before she could voice anything to calm the kids, and him, down, Alexei spoke up.

The boy had sneaked in between the two other children, knowing his father needed a comforting assurance of the familiar among the new faces he saw right now. He even took his father's metal hand in his own to ground him with a strong grip that showed the boy's genetical superiority compared to the normal children around him. "It's a titanium-based alloy with maybe a few traces of vibranium." He explained as he guided the hand to be in better view for the other kids while also ruling over the situation, showing his father that he had everything under control.

James released a shaky breath as he met his son's knowing eyes, eyes that couldn't belong to a child his age. He did see so much of Natasha in him, in the way he led him along the path of redemption back to normality just like the Black Widow had been for the few months since the birth of their child.

"How strong is that arm?" The little girl asked in awe as her fingers gently traced the plates.

The movement was so careful, so tender but not because of fear, no. It was more like she had her hands on a rare crystal artwork that she wanted to show her adoration for without accidentally breaking it. In that second the Soldier felt a warm sensation spreading inside of him. He felt… safe and accepted.

"Very strong," Alexei explained as looked at his father with a smile. His fingers guided the girls hands around the wrist. "Hang on to him and he'll show you."

Bucky was taken aback for a moment. But then he realized that he had done this before. Showing off his strength by lifting someone into the air easily. This was something you didn't need special strength for when it came to someone as small as a child. And it wouldn't lead to any injury on the kids' side. The Soldier could have crushed a table to demonstrate his powerful tool, but this… this was a much better way. And the charming, young gentleman inside him rejoiced at this opportunity.

The girl squealed in delight as she was lifted up easily, the girl hanging on to the arm like a monkey. "Yeah!" Dangling her feet she exclaimed her joy.

James raised her so their eyes met on the same level and he could see the pure astonishment radiating from her. He arched an eyebrow cockily, in the way he would to make girls swoon over him.

The girl suddenly had a dreamy look on her face and then turned to Natasha. "You're so lucky you have such a great boyfriend."

Natasha stifled a laugh and leaned in closer to James. "Yes, but remember, he's mine."

"Okay." Lilly shrugged as her gaze went down to Alexei who had his turn of halting his breath and fighting a blush.

Natasha smiled. The boy had so much from his father. Always giving his best and trying to help. Of course Steve had been a strong influence there but James and Alexei had their own way of showing this kindness. Hell, once the boy was in his adolescent years she would have a lot to do. But at least she could be sure that her son wouldn't make a reckless mistake.

"I want too!" Cooper became impatient and was quickly given an opportunity as well when Barnes lowered his arm enough to make him grasp the elbow.

"Alexei?" James asked his son to join in.

The boy gave a chuckle and shook his head at this childishness but hung on to him as well. He was a kid after all, he had every right to participate in these weird actions. He took hold of his father's opened hand and tried not to bump into Lilly too much who had started to giggle.

"And up you go." James announced as he lifted all of them, the movement so easy as if they weighed not more than a feather. Lila squealed in delight once more while Cooper gaped in awe. Alexei however was silent, watching, analyzing and maybe wondering if one day he would be as strong as his father.

Laura applauded with a cheer and nudged her husband. "See, that's a man."

"Hey!" Clint gaped in mock bafflement. At least that had gone better than expected. He gave Barnes a quick nod before venturing to the dinner table once more. "Come on, everyone, food's getting cold."

Natasha felt her heart swelling as she watched James interacting with the children in such a fatherly manner. How natural and open the children behaved around him. They were used to the extraordinary by now and their parents didn't withhold any information concerning the Avengers. His first instincts had been to stay away, to block them out in fear of accidentally hurting them. But now… only a few moments later… "How strong you are, Soldier." she murmured with her bedroom voice as he lowered the kids back down.

Her tone went straight to his groin and he was glad that the kids had already run to the table. He turned her to face him, crushing her against his muscular frame, showing her exactly what her words had evoked in his nether regions. His arm caressed her back before gently cupping her chin, his thumb running over her lower lip. "I'm gonna show you how…"

There was a cough from Laura still waiting to join the others at the table who were now also watching them closely.

With a blush they parted, hearing Mrs Barton's hushed voice saying something about the son acting more like an adult than the parents.

Lilly wasn't fazed by any of that. She dove right into the next question. "Don't you get pinched between the metal plates when you hug?"

"No, he's very careful with it." Natasha answered as she pulled him along, knowing exactly that James himself found it very hard to believe her statement given how many throats this metal hand had crushed already. Yet replaying the last minutes she might have a point. Absentmindedly he lifted the arm, mustering it.

Clint leaned in closer to Natasha as she passed him and whispered: "Do I need a decontamination team in the barn?"

The Black Widow shared a look with James as she sat down. "I think a hand brush should suffice." When she saw her lover blushing she took it one step further. "I was able to keep it all contained." She bit her nail before making a tiny licking motion along her fingertip that made the Soldier stiffen in more ways than one.

"Good for him." Clint replied casually as if the mention of a blowjob was the most normal thing in the world. Then he leaned over to Barnes and gave him a slap on the shoulder. "You really hit the jackpot with her."

Cooper wanted his turn in Q&A as well. "Why do you have a star painted on it?"

Okay, this one would be tricky… He didn't want to share too much of his history in Russia considering what he had done during that time. "Well, it's a symbol that…"

Natasha next to him wasn't much help either, biting on her lip, thinking about the right words that wouldn't ruin her son's image of his father.

The kids waited to hear the rest for a few seconds and when it was clear that it wouldn't come Alexei mumbled something about the Soviet Union.

How in hell did the boy know so much? Well, considering he had Jarvis on his side and the whole internet to browse through there was a big chance he might have researched his parents, but… did he really? They had promised to tell him more about it once he'd gotten older. And he had succumbed to his parents' wish.

James shook off his confusion and finally came up with an answer. "I like to see it as a reminder."

The girl's face lit up, waiting for the big secret. "Of what?"

The Soldier took Natasha's hand in his, looking at her lovingly. "The star that led me to her." Oh, how true this was. And cheesy...

Natasha smiled and felt her heart bursting with love as she heard him say this. Did he even know how much this meant to her? All of this? Their life, their love, their family?

"So you met back when you were still in Russia?" Lilly asked with interest. "I thought he was from where Captain America is from. Did you teach him Russian when he was there with you?" The girl wanted to know from Natasha.

Well, how to explain that? James had no clue. Between his last mission with Steve and his final escape from HYDRA he only remembered a few glimpses from his time with Natasha.

The Black Widow knew was had issues to formulate something logical both in speech and in his own mind and memory, so she stepped in. "James was my trainer during that time."

"If you were already in love why didn't you stay together?" The girl asked curiously and with that belief in fairy tales shining from her eyes. "True love can't be torn apart."

"It wasn't that easy, sweety. Russia was having a hard time then and we all had to sacrifice things we held dear." That was such an understatement...

Angry eyes found Barnes and stared at him in disbelief. "Then why didn't he bring you back to America?"

~.~

_The door opened and James walked in, a load of firewood in his arms. He barely set them down before scolding her. "Тебе следует поспать. Ну же. (You shouldn't be up. Come on.)" He gently put his arms around her, guiding her shivering form into one of the chairs. "Побереги силы. (Save your strength.)"_

_"Мы скоро переселимся, да? (We will move on soon, won't we?)"_

_"Придётся. На последней проверке периметра я поймал зашифрованный сигнал. Они приближаются. (We have to. On my last perimeter check I caught a scrambled signal. They are getting closer.)"_

_She didn't respond but her face fell in despair._

_He knew what she was thinking. "Да. Нужно найти более постоянное решение, до того как... (Yes. We need to find a more permanent solution before…)"_

~.~

"James?" Natasha asked with a frown. He must be having a flashback again, not even noticing the girl waiting for her answer.

"We... we tried." He blurted out and got a confused look from his lover. She didn't seem to remember. Maybe he had gotten his memories mixed up again? "I mean, of course we thought about trying but fate wasn't that kind."

"That is sad…" The girl concluded.

Natasha saw how the child's mood changed and tried to avert a tearful disaster. "It wasn't our time yet. But now we found each other again and can start the life we dreamed of."

"I don't understand. You are the Black Widow. You are amazing. And if he trained you," she pointed at James, "he must be awesome too. What did he train you in? Spy stuff?"

"That and more," Natasha admitted with a smile and watched James remembering something delightful as well.

"What exactly?" Now the girl's interest was sparked.

"Oh… well." The Black Widow knew that Lila had seen her in the news, but the mother had wanted to keep Alexei away from his parents' job as long as possible until he was old enough to understand.

"Acrobatics," Clint offered with a wide grin that earned him a blush from James and a pinch from Laura.

Natasha locked eyes with her lover and mouthed with a sultry smile. "Bedroom acrobatics."

His face got even more crimson. That meant revenge. And he would retaliate against Barton by keeping his kids up with all the acrobatics they would do tonight.

"Like dancing?" The girl asked with dreamy eyes. "Oh, did he teach you ballet as well? Can men even do that?" She mustered Barnes. "He is way too bulky for that."

Natasha has to keep herself from laughing out loud. Christ, this was hilarious. "He did dance with me on occasion." There had been missions in which they had to pose as a couple on a gala.

"Wow!" She turned to Barnes fully. "Can you teach me dancing too?"

The words were so innocent, so sweet and childish. Young and pure, like Natalia had been when he…

~.~

_As the Soldat watched the girls training for combat he realized how young they all still were. And he spent every night with the youngest and most promising of them all…_

_The trainer next to him shouted something, ordering them to switch partners. Then the man turned towards the asset with a wide grin. "Ну, и чему ты её научил? Ты один из тех, кому разрешено трахать девочек, так? (So, what do you teach her? You are one of those who are allowed to fuck the girls, right?)"_

_"Такова моя миссия. (That is my mission.)" He answered plainly._

_"Ты счастливчик. Мы можем играть только с теми, кто не может пережить процесс. Итак, расскажи. Она так же идеальна в постели как на мате? (You're lucky. We only get to play with those who don't survive the process. So, do tell. Is she as perfect in bed as she is on the mat?)"_

~.~

James wanted to throw up. The memory made anger boil inside of him. Bastard. He wanted to rip off that scumbag's cock for his words. It took him a few seconds until he could tell past from reality once again. He had to push the thought aside for now. This wasn't the Red Room. These children would never have to grow up like Natasha did. And he would do everything to protect their innocence. He averted his eyes from the scene when he saw the shape of the star on his shoulder once more. Yes, the star that guided him, Natalia. He might not be able to change the past but he would be damned if he didn't fight for a future of happiness and love.

"I believe after all those years his skills have…" she waited until Bucky had turned to her, his eyes still glazed over but a spark of recognition in them again.

James took a deep, shaky breath before using one of the words that had enslaved him. "Rusted?"

God, how much she loved this man. He was so much stronger than he even realized. They would get over this, over their dark past. "Yes."

"A very special dance that you do in private with nobody else watching." Laura reminded them and leaned in closer to Natasha to whisper in her ear. "Just make sure you don't wake the kids or you two will be the one to tell them about birds and bees."

Clint seemed to remember something and quickly went to another room to collect it. He handed Natasha a sleek black box that looked like a speaker. "I took this from SHIELD the other day. It cancels most of the sound by catching it with a mic, calculating the exact opposite and playing those sound waves. Should work enough to muffle you two at least."

Natasha raised a brow. "I wonder why you have that…"

"Not what you think!" Clint held up his hands in defense. "Laura asked for it so she could have her hormonal rages during the pregnancy without irritating the kids."

"I should report you to Fury for stealing equipment." Natasha threatened mockingly.

"Borrowing. And no you won't."

As if on cue Nathaniel announced his need for attention in the other room. Laura sighed and got up. "Okay, that's a call for the overall package of food and changing." She was just glad the boy had been calm during dinner.

Clint gave her a gentle kiss. "I'll take care of the kitchen. Don't you worry."

She mustered him with furrowed brows. "Yeah, well, at least Nat is around so you don't decide to stop in between to rebuild the kitchen to fit the cupboards to the plates they have to hold."

Half an hour later the dishes were done and the kids were tucked away in their beds. Once she had finished nursing the baby and joined the others just standing around in the kitchen with meager small talk Laura had thought about opening a bottle of wine for the guests to let the evening end with a relaxed little chat in the living room but when she saw how nervous Barnes became with every passing minute she had decided that the two lovers had waited long enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a little extra for my faithful readers here's a glimpse into the next chapter:
> 
> \---- Natasha stretched out on the bed, trying to catch her breath. "Wow."
> 
> "That was…"
> 
> "... so overdue." Natasha said with a chuckle.
> 
> "I was hoping you'd finish with 'amazing'." He murmured in disapproval.
> 
> "Well, that goes without saying." She said and snuggled closer. "Never letting you out of this bed." Somewhere in her memory she heard her younger self say: 'The Soviet Union needs to find a new poster boy.'
> 
> "I like that idea." ---
> 
> Thanks for reading and please review and share the story.


	28. Longing - or: Control and pleasure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Natasha finally give in to their desire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wir waren geboren um zu leben - We were born to live  
> Mit den Wundern jeder Zeit, - With the miracles of time  
> Sich niemals zu vergessen - Never to forget onself  
> Bis in aller Ewigkeit. - Up to eternity  
> Wir waren geboren um zu Leben - We were born to live  
> Für den einen Augenblick, - For the one moment  
> Bei dem jeder von uns spürte - When everyone of us felt  
> Wie wertvoll Leben ist. - How valuable life is  
> In diesem Augenblick - At this moment  
> Bist du mir wieder nah, - You are close to me again  
> Wie an jedem so geliebten vergangen Tag. - Like on that lovely past day  
> Es ist mein Wunsch - It is my wish  
> Wieder Träume zu erlauben, - To allow dreams again  
> Ohne Reue nach vorn in die Zukunft zu schauen. - To look into the future without regret  
> Ich sehe einen Sinn - I see a meaning  
> Seitdem du nicht mehr bist, - Since you've been gone  
> Denn du hast mir gezeigt - Because you have show me  
> Wie wertvoll mein Leben ist. - How precious my life is
> 
> translated extracts of "Geboren um zu leben" by Unheilig
> 
> (there is a beautiful vintage styled piano cover (by pianoandre1 (André Fuckert) who sings while he plays with so much feeling. I rewatched it for this and thought: Yeah, that could be Bucky with a suit in that black and white video XD) on yt of this German song that I listened to while writing. My translation might suck, not sure XD Lyrics are difficult to translate)
> 
> It fits perfectly for the second half of the chapter.
> 
> Thank you all for the encouraging reviews I got.

 

James couldn't shake the tension that was building up while he got ready for the night. Natasha was already in bed, waiting for him to join her, to take her, to make love to her. They had had a lot of sex the weeks when Alexei had been conceived but that was while a big part of his mind had still been controlled by HYDRA. Right now he was doing it on his own accord, without ulterior dark motive. It was just them, and their need to be together.

Brushing his hair he again considered cutting it for convenience but Natasha had told him she liked it and that weighed so much more. While the brush went through his strands he imagined Natalia stroking through them, pulling him closer, her grip hard as she pressed his face between her legs while he tasted her passion.

His hand lost hold of the brush as the other one gripped his cock. He was already hard enough that it hurt. The last attempt at relieving the fierce need fueled by HYDRA's drug had not only failed but was already a few days in the past. And their little fun in the barn had not nearly been enough, only taken off the edge which had rebuild by their teasing chats during dinner. He wondered how the night would play out, hoping that he wouldn't disappoint her by coming instantly as soon as he entered. And the Soldier knew that might actually be a possibility. Maybe he should find relief now in private so he could last longer later. Quickly dismissing that idea he picked up the brush and set it back on the shelf.

The drug had more than once proven that his stamina could outlast her need. He knew his cock was ready for a marathon of bedroom activities. He had enough pent up cravings to nail her to the mattress for a week. At that thought he saw something weird in the mirror. There was a young man staring back at him with a boyish gleam in his eyes that promised mischief. He was taken aback for a second before he realised that it was actually himself. How he had been before all things had gone to hell, before he had fallen from the train, before… Maybe there was more of Bucky left inside him than he had believed previously. Of the young charmer that had satisfied two women the night before he had gone to war. Steve had left him alone with their dates he could now barely picture anymore. But they hadn't been disappointed, that Bucky remembered well. The memory flooded him with that cockiness he had thought he'd lost. Oh, Natalia would melt under his touch tonight.

One last time he checked his appearance. Cleanly shaven so his beard wouldn't rub her skin raw when he ate her out. The scruff would be back for the morning sex, giving him a more tousled and wild look that would fit perfectly to his sated, lazy smile when they started the day with another round.

The good nourishment Stark provided and the workouts he had in the gym had helped him regain his usual muscle mass. The scars from when he had rescued Natasha from HYDRA's grasp had faded already. He knew he wasn't as bulky as Steve but still an example of male perfection, despite for his arm. He promised to take special care when he touched her with the metal limb. The weapon inside him would rest tonight, bound in chains in his mind. His dress code lessened the usually dark and gloomy appearance of his. The only thing he wore were some loose training pants that were now tenting embarrassingly much. He tried to tuck himself away so it wasn't too hilariously prominent.

While he worked he wondered what Natasha had selected. She was a master of seduction. Well, only one way to find out. "Here goes nothing," he chuckled as he opened the door to the guest room.

One glance was all it took to make his heart skip a beat. "Holy cow." Bucky muttered with his mouth agape at the sight before him. She was standing next to the window. The only light in the room was a dimmed lamp on the bed table and the moon illuminating her in the most celestial way.

Natasha smirked when she watched how her lover stared at her unabashedly. "Enjoy what you see?"

James could only nod and he knew how stupid that must look since he was still unable to close his mouth. She looked like a goddess. Her pale skin almost a surreal white in the moonshine, her hair glowing like rubies. He hadn't even noticed they had growth out long enough to cover her breasts. The loose morning gown she wore did nothing to conceal her body. How could something be this translucent? "You know how to bring a man to his knees." He murmured in awe. James looked at that perfect woman in front of him and realized how lucky he was to have her. That she hadn't been repulsed by his nightmarish deeds, by how bad he had treated her. That she still saw salvation in reach for him. And he would do anything to make right by her, and their son.

Her fingers moved to the vintage record player on the table next to her, turning it on and sliding the needle over the disc.

Old dance music from his youth filled the room. She had staged this perfectly to sooth his tense nerves. And it worked. His body responded as she began to sway to the rhythm. Muscle memory took over and the need to move with her, as close to her as possible, was overwhelming. "Would you grant me this dance?"

"I'd love to." They met in the middle of the room. It wasn't spacious or had a fitting scenery, but that didn't matter. The only thing that counted was the two of them. She gently slipped her fingers through his as he rested his other hand on her hip.

The steps came to him easily and she never missed a beat, being the perfect dancer she was. He felt clumsy next to this grace. Memories flooded them, of how they had danced on galas during some of their missions. It hadn't exactly been part of their orders, but a good cover and a source of great pleasure.

It was so surreal. They were on a farm of one of her Avengers friends, dancing to music from the 40s with almost no cloth between them. He knew she enjoyed the bulge pressing into her stomach by her way of gently teasing him, rubbing ever so slightly to make him swell even more.

When the last note rang out she lifted herself on her toes for a gentle kiss. Just the barest touch but it set his body on fire.

She looked at him, her eyes promising everything he could ever wish for, and so much more. "James…"

He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, how much he needed her like air to breathe. Yet he just stared, trying to get himself under control. The need to simply throw her on the bed and fuck her through the mattress was overwhelming.

Her fingers trailed up his biceps, leaving a path of tingling skin and want for more. She mustered him closely. He was frozen in place but she could see how much he fought by the slight tremor in his muscles. How could she make this easier for him?

"Do you remember, how it was when we first…" James began, the memory suddenly so clear as if it happened yesterday.

Oh, she remembered well. " _К вашим услугам, сэр_. (I am at your service, Sir.)"

He shuddered and tried to breathe steadily. The words held so much meaning, so much history. "Your first night…" His fingers took hold of the flimsy gown's collar, somehow feeling the urge to cover her, take make the right thing this time around, as weird as that sounded.

She gently caressed the side of his face, missing the stubbles that made him appear all the more raw and primal. "I gave it to you."

"No, the Red Room has offered it without your consent. They forced you to pleasure me."

Natasha chuckled. "You want to know how I actually felt?" She laid her hands on his strong shoulders. "You were a legend, a mysterious dark angel the girls in the Red Room whispered about at night when no supervisor was around. It was a privilege I looked forward to. I knew it was part of the training, a ceremony. And you led me through it, made me enjoy it. The older girls had told us how brutal and filthy sex was, especially the first night. We were meant to hate it, enough to use it as a weapon and don't feel anything when we ride our target while stabbing him in the neck. But you… you taught me better. You held me like a treasure, saw to my satisfaction first. You were so gentle. That moment was the first time in my life that I was truly happy and glad for. It was a gift you gave me and I still hold it dear. Yes, it was your mission and losing the virginity hurts but you turned it into the most exquisite agony to feel."

He listened to her words and didn't know how to react. "Natalia…"

She gave him a quick kiss, to shush him and as a reassurance. "The pain, the joy, the longing, and then… you allowed me to play with you. God, you have no idea how it turned me on when I made you moan." As if to ram her point home she took a firm hold of his groin, eliciting the same sound from his throat.

"We did have a lot of fun after that." From the moment he had seen her the Soldier had fallen for her charms.

"I flirted with you when we were training." It had been a dangerous gamble to show affection so openly in a world where no personal feelings were allowed.

The memory made him relax visibly. "I couldn't wait to get you into the sheets and fuck you senseless. You were such a tease." Right now he was glad that their superiors had let it happen and turned a blind eye. It seemed like their results in both training areas had outweighed the risks of getting compromised. They had been the most deadly couple, effective and unbeatable. At some point they must have torn them apart then once her training had been finished but James wouldn't dwell on that right now because the time they shared made up for every beating he surely had gotten, every wipe. Now when he felt her his arms emotions came back from memories he couldn't remember, yet. But the knowledge that there were some things they could have never entirely scrub out of his brain made his eyes glisten with tears. We won over them. They have fallen and we are back together and live the life they never intended us to have.

"We practically fucked on the training mats as well. My preference for using my thighs in combat came from you." She lifted her leg, drawing him closer so he could feel her heat and arousal.

"I think I remember one or two occasions where our… training led to ruined trousers long before we made it to our private quarters." He visibly cringed as he thought about the stickiness and how much effort it had taken him not to show anything as their superiors talked to him about Natasha's progress.

"Poor Soldier… trying so hard to trick them. You did well but you couldn't fool the Madame B. She knew and praised my skills in a private talk after that." She saw him freezing up. "Don't worry. She was actually positively impressed. Her perfect creation for the motherland making HYDRA's most feared and cold-hearted asset come in his pants like a teenager. When my tricks worked on you they would work on anyone. I got rewarded with another portion for lunch the entire next week."

"Well at least you got something out of my shame." He sighed.

"As I recall during another occasion like that you dragged me right to the showers after we were done. Your revenge. I couldn't walk straight for a day you took me so hard." She spoke as if she just remembered it, chuckling.

He stared at her in shock. "Did I… hurt you?"

Natasha shook her head with a grin. "Oh no. I even urged you on, teasing you. I would love to relive some of these memories." She admitted while her fingers played with his waistband. He had not shied away yet and he wouldn't unless she wanted him to. Natasha smiled at him before closing her eyes and grinding against him with a pleading sigh.

Although his body told him to rub himself against her thigh, he froze, searching for her eyes to know if she actually meant what she had said. "Natalia… you…"

"Soldat. Just follow my lead on this one. You are ready, I am ready, more than just that. It's a miracle I'm not jumping your bones or present myself to you, naked and with widely spread thighs, pleading for your cock."

A low growl worked its way out of his throat. "Fuck, Nat, you little tease…"

"Language?" She snickered.

James gave her an exasperated look. "Look who's talking…" He didn't know when she had gotten them into her possession but the moment Natasha lifted the handcuffs in front of his nose he knew he would surrender to her tonight. "Natalia…" He groaned as his cock twitched in anticipation.

The Black Widow grinned as she pushed him back down into the pillows. "At ease, soldat. I won't hurt you. I'll be gentle…" The gown slid from her shoulders, pooling on the floor as she joined him. Her fingers trailed along the muscles of his upper torso as she straddled him, her weight resting on his loins.

James groaned as he pressed his covered cock against her heat. "That's not what I fear." To emphasize he balled his hands into fists, the metal one protesting. "If I let go, if I don't remember to restrain myself…"

Natasha huffed as if to chide him before she took the metal arm and guided it towards her breast. "I'm the one who will control your strength." A smile spread across her lips as the cold metal engulfed her flesh, caressing it with so much gentleness, a crass contrast to his words. "And believe me. What your brute force can do…" she repositioned his hand on her throat. "... it turns me on more than I can possibly say."

James just stared at her with his eyes torn open. He wanted to claim her, to fuck her while his metal fingers closed around her throat, bringing her to the edge in more ways than the one. And then, when the spark was about to leave her eyes he would bring her back with the most brutal thrusts, making her groan in pain until she was torn and bloody, a sheath to sink his… "Handcuffs!" he growled before his desire could overpower his self control.

Natasha realized how close to slipping into insanity he already was by the trembling of his arms. His entire body was shaking with the effort to not succumb to his need. Oh her poor Soldier… but she'll make it all worth it.

When the last cuff snapped into place, he released a sigh and his body visibly relaxed. Both of them knew that the bonds wouldn't hold but… the symbol behind them was what could keep him under her control.

Until she decided to let the beast free. Natasha used her position to look at this marvelous creature ready to fulfill her every wish. His mouth was slightly agape, his hot breath hit her breasts and his pupils blown wide with need.

"Come here, doll. Let me work you up nicely." He lifted his head to indicate what his intentions were.

She understood and climbed upward, her hands holding the metal rods of the headboard.

The second she was in reach Bucky went at it, and damn, how he did. His tongue and lips the most skillful tools as he brought her to new heights. He didn't need to find out what she liked, he simply knew, remembered. His body worked on its own accord, driving her wild until she was singing his name in praises. He had to restrain himself to not come at the mere sounds of her. Who would have thought the calculating Black Widow could be so vocal?

Natasha buried her hand into his hair as she pressed her hips onto his face. God, that man had a silver tongue. She wasn't able to keep track on how many of her buttons he could push with only a few licks and kisses. That girls must have taught him well back in the old days. He was taking pride in how good the lover felt after their night. And damn, he really had a reason to be this smug bastard. Already sobbing as she hit her completion the fourth time she had lost all concept of reality.

Only a few more minutes and she was sure she would suffocate him if she pressed against him any harder. How could he keep this pace up without his tongue getting a cramp? The thought made her chuckle which turned into a series of moans and Russian curses as he brought her to the peak again. Natasha knew her thighs couldn't support her any longer so she climbed off of him, snuggling close while her breathing steadied again.

A grin spread on his glistening lips as he saw her expression of utter bliss. She looked at him with adoration and love, unguarded by her usual mask. That the great Black Widow felt safe enough to be herself with him brought a cocky grin on his face.

"You look like a cat that got her cream." Natasha chuckled.

"Those words couldn't be any closer to the truth." The way she tasted, the pheromones, drove him into mating mode. She was so ripe and ready for him to claim her. It was intoxicating. His heightened senses picked up so much more and he revelled in the reactions they provoked.

"If the entire night will be like this, I never want to leave this bed again." She vowed with a sigh.

"No objections on my side. And that was only the beginning." James promised with that dark undertone that made her imagination go into overdrive. And the Soldier knew he would surpass these ideas.

She gave him a passionate kiss as response, tasting herself on him. Natasha's hands wandered over his torso. Gentle at first and soon nails followed, marking him for the next few hours until he healed. A minute they fought until she couldn't stand it any more.  _Now!_  her mind screamed.

She leaned down and licked his neck, her tongue tracing his pulse. "I need to feel you inside of me but first…" Natasha moved over him like a wildcat and before he could understand her intention she already had him between those beautiful lips of her.

He with a loud groan he lifted his hips from the bed, his entire body taut like a bowstring as he pressed himself into her throat. For a split second James realized that he might have better waited for her to lead so she wouldn't choke in surprise but his little spider didn't seem to mind. A low moan of hers made her throat vibrate and then… she swallowed, her muscles contracting around him. Too soon… With a shout he let go into bliss.

Natasha had expected him to react this way but when the first load of semen shot down her throat she knew her math didn't work out. He filled her stomach with his hot cum. Halfway through his orgasm she pulled back, sucking and swallowing, yet the sheer amount was almost too much to handle. But she worked through it, both hands on him, prolonging his release.

When the last waves of pleasure ebbed through him and he risked a glimpse down between his legs he was sure the sight might kick off another orgasm straight away, pressure building up again, his serum fueled body restoring while still spending. "Natalia…"

Natasha heard his gasp and looked up, their eyes locking as she swallowed with a moan of delight.

With that, impossibly, he was gone again.

Natasha worked him through the next seconds before he finally collapsed on the bed. His breathing quick for a person with his endurance, his heartbeat even quicker.

When he at last had the power to open his eyes again he groaned at the sight. His cum was dripping down her chin, a smug smile on her lips while she held him in her hands gently. And dear Jesus, he was still hard. Well, talking about his fears about not being up for it… "That was… just… wow." He chuckled as he relaxed back into the pillow. His grip on the metal rods of the headboard lessened and he knew from her chuckle that he must have put a serious dent in them with his metal arm.

"Not just with the metal one." Natasha corrected him as if reading his mind. "I think we need to replace the furniture and renovate the room once the night is over."

"Collateral damage." James commented drily with an arched eyebrow. "Why the entire room? Do you think we will put a dent into the wall as well?"

"That, too. But I was thinking about the ceiling." There was this smugness in her tone.

"I don't understand…" He was capable of many things but fucking against gravity wasn't one of them.

She pointed upward with one hand while the other stroked his dick with just enough pressure to get another wave out of him. Granted it wasn't as forceful as before and he was already hypersensitive to every intimate touch but he didn't disappoint.

"You mean I can hit the ceiling?" He asked, exasperated after he watched in disbelief as… well…

Natasha shrugged with a grin on her face. "You would have if I hadn't swallowed most of it." She stated matter-of-factly as if this was just a mission briefing.

James didn't know if he wanted to laugh or cry or just simply fuck her senseless. "You'll be the death of me." He wanted to bury his face in his hands as he felt the blush creeping up on his face. "God, you're impossible."

"You are impossible." Natasha corrected him as she wiped off the last remnants of his come from her face and licked her fingers clean. "I think you just had the male equivalent of a multiple orgasm." When she was done she took hold of his cock again. "And you're still hard."

"Eager to please the lady?" It was more of a question.

"The lady certainly approves." She chuckled. "Okay, I'm done waiting. If I don't climb on top of this epitome of masculinity soon, I'll die of want."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *evil chuckle* Yes, I am stopping here. Just finished writing. Did 7 pages in one evening.
> 
> Sorry for the late update. I think the next ones with come faster.
> 
> The reason why it took me so long was my Hela Cosplay. I did it for the Comic Con Germany. I have pictures, a video from the con where I snatched Thor's hammer to beat him up, tutorials (also one video) and more. Check it out.
> 
> The Cosplay was made before the new trailer and the action figure came out and that's why I messed up the headdress, but it's still quite impressive. Hit every damn door on the con XD Came back with a torn up forehead and a BAD sunburn on my shoulders.
> 
>   
>  
> 
> Typos will be corrected over the next days. I couldn't wait to release it. The feels it gave. I love the two of them. I tried to mix every part of their history into this, the good and bad stuff. How they overcome it and how they rely on each other. They are just perfect. The mass of content these two can give me. I could on like that for ages which is weird because personally I don't like contact XDDD
> 
> And yes, Bucky can hit the ceiling *cough* Don't be angry for working this in. I DO believe he can XDDD
> 
> So, reviews, wishes, everything is appreciated and makes me write faster.


	29. Breaking his chains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the title suggests this time Nat and James will be a bit rougher.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a new beta reader who found mistakes I would have never seen in a thousand years XD Thank you very much, dciphoenix ^^ She commented on my Hela tutorial video and we came in contact. Maybe we'll write a Thor Ragnarok story about Hela, Loki and Dr. Strange together some time in the future ^^
> 
> Another chapter of smut ahead, and maybe one more for the morning after with a lot of terrible jokes that'll make James blush.
> 
> Okay, now let's have them make more babies XD

Natasha let her hands roam over his muscular body while she pressed her hips against him, sliding along his length. She was aware of every twitch of him, marvelling at how much control he had over himself, over the beast underneath waiting to pounce once she allowed him to. It was intoxicating. She could still taste him on her lips, his scent filling her nose. She wanted to bathe in his dark musk. The moment his member touched her entrance he became aware again of their situation. It was the first time they'd be having sex since she'd born their child. Her body healed swiftly but that also meant she was unprepared for him. He had heard that it could feel like losing the virginity once again.

"Hey," Natasha whispered gently as she took his face in her hands, "what's wrong?"

He gulped. "I don't want to hurt you when I..."

"Why would you?" She asked with a smile, not understanding.

The verbal answer would be too awkward so he chose to merely motion with his eyes at the faded lines on her lower belly that indicated the pregnancy she had been through.

Natasha looked puzzled for a moment before she caught on. "Oh, I think I can handle that. It's more painful not feel you inside of me."

He stared at her with an expression mirroring her need for him.

The Black Widow sat up and flexed her back to show off herself in the best angle that would bring a normal man to drool in lust. "How do you want to do it?" She asked with a grin.

He looked at her in confusion.

"This will be our first time together, without a danger looming over us, without orders. Just us." She rubbed against him. "Missionary? Shall I ride you?" She lifted herself and he was so close. Natasha could feel him pulsing. "Or should I indulge in the thrill of the danger, let me uncuff you so you can take me like a beast from behind?"

He groaned again. "You tease. No, I want to see your eyes. I want to watch you while you fuck me."

Now was her turn to drool at his words. She swirled her hips, almost letting him slide in, but not yet. It was torture to draw this moment out, but as soon as she allowed them to unite she would lose her rational mind and could no longer revel in every detail of his reactions when everything was shrouded in a red mist of lust and desire.

"Please, doll, stop torturing me…" James murmured as his hips bucked upward, the head of his sliding in.  _Good lord,_  her slick heat felt like heaven. Once he sheathed himself completely he would never be able to find pleasure in another woman. Not that he wanted to. The thought made him grin and he had to take her in again, enjoy this beautiful sight above him.  _Mine…_ The low growl escaping his throat was more wild animal than human. Natasha's eyes connected with his, drowning in that icy storm. Her Soldier. She wanted to tell him how much he meant to her, how much she loved him, but actions spoke more than words. Leaning down she pressed her lips against his one last time before finally lowering her hips, sinking further along his shaft. The world ceased to exist as she took him in inch by inch. Her nails dug into his torso as she swallowed his moans. This was glorious, nothing could ever feel better than being spread apart by him. He was like silk over hard metal, this combination of hard and soft. Just like him.

James felt her opening for him like a flower, each petal like a divine caress. He eagerly returned the kiss, wishing his hands were free to weave them into her red hair - or let them run down her back in a bloody trail… He broke away, couldn't stand the temptation anymore. And Natasha understood - and made it even worse. For the last inches, she lifted herself into a sitting position, exposing her assets, arching her back with a lascivious moan while she gently squeezed her breasts. She was just perfect. Those lips, plump and swollen from kissing, her neck so bare and vulnerable to his teeth, her nipples hard and her curves a vision of womanly proportions. And finally… the point where he disappeared inside of her completely. She felt so wet and hot around him that he couldn't help but thrust upward.

Natasha groaned at that, leaning even further back and humming his name. She tightened around him, something he remembered she liked to do to drive her lovers mad. "Move, goddamn it!" At that she looked down at him, her eyes so dark and dangerous. Her lips, that smile, lazy and devious.

"Let me savour my prey." The Black Widow chided him as she started her first, sensuous move over his hips.

James had grit his teeth to not come then and there. His fists balled and the chains that held him groaned angrily. Memories flooded back to him, of how she had him in this position. And the Black Widow certainly hadn't lost her touch. She never wanted to leave her web that entrapped him so perfectly. Gradually Natasha increased her speed, her hands snaking all over his body, tracing those muscles so taut and powerful. It was a feast she wanted to last for ages. Yet this game couldn't continue forever, she herself was way too close for that. So she changed the tempo, her hips thrusting against him. He couldn't decide what he enjoyed more. The way her breasts moved when she lifted herself up higher, exposing to his eyes how deep he could penetrate her, or those mad little eights she was drawing while making such delicious sounds of lust. "I could die right now as a happy man."

"Oh, Soldier, don't leave me too soon. I have way more to show you." The promises in those words…

He bucked upward at that. They had been in sync until now but things got more and more hazy. This appeared more like a challenge of who would come first, and he was determined to make it last, but… God, that clenching. He was sure his spider was doing it on purpose. It became harder to concentrate on responding without primal impulse. She could see him fighting against his instincts, his desires. How much effort it took him to restrain himself from claiming her with everything his body was capable of. James watched how this gorgeous piece of art moved above him, every thrust of her hips to precise, so perfectly executed that it left him gasping. She knew he wouldn't be able to keep himself under control for much longer. Her hand snaked over the sheets, reaching for the keys on the nightstand.

The moment James realized her intention he gasped in denial. "No, I won't be able to hold myself back."

Natasha, key between her fingers, leaned in closer, her breath ghosting over his cheek. "I don't want you to. No tender play, no regret. Just… fuck me."

The chains protested as he tried to move away from the key ready to let him free. "Talia, please, think. I could hurt you!" He started to fight her but the helpless struggles only rubbed him against her harder, driving tears into his eyes in anger of how good it felt, how much he wanted to fuck her raw.

"I don't mind a little pain. This is us. How we truly are. How we've always been." She used his movements to heighten their pleasure by thrusting against him, a low moan leaving her lips as he hit the end of her. In pure instinct she rocked against him again and again, her eyes hooded with pupils blown wide. Yes, more… "Harder," she groaned.

"Natalia…" he gasped as his control started slip. He had to be careful or else…

"Damn it, Barnes, just do it! How else should I phrase it for you to believe me? Use the phrase: 'Would you kindly.'?" The modern video game reference was lost on him, of course. In frustration she reached for his hair, pulling until he howled in pain. "I can take it. I want you to, I'm begging you. Fuck me like you did in Saratov."

The memory came crashing down on him the moment she had spoken.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

_He struck her hard enough that she flew against the near wall, collapsing with a pained groan._

" _What the hell is wrong with you?"_

" _You disobeyed my direct orders. That is unacceptable!" She had flirted with the target first instead of going for the kill straight away, much to his dismay. Yes, the mission had been a success in the end, yet... Her intention had been to make the Soldier jealous. And it had worked._

" _Are you going to punish me now?" She challenged him._

_God, he had to claim her._

" _I will fuck you raw. On your hands and knees." Before she could even react he had already kicked her down, positioning her in front of him. "And… I want you to be vocal." He tore down his trousers before sliding up her dress. Seeing she wore nothing beneath he chuckled darkly. "Oh, you naughty girl."_

_He took her that night until they were both bruised. Tearing her apart with his thrusts and loving the smell of her blood on his skin._

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

His body tensed as he took a deep breath. "I violated you."

"You should have seen my claw marks on your back, your lips broken by my teeth. We were both angry that day. You just had remembered me a few hours before. Hating our handlers for the wiping, for taking me away from you. I was furious, too. And we gave each other what we needed," she murmured against his neck. Her words had shaken them both enough to still their movements. Now she sat up again, searching for his eyes to show him that this was no lie of the Black Widow. " I loved you for it."

His stormy eyes were opened wide, taking her in, analysing her like a target he had to subdue. And oh he would. The last sliver of control broke and the sound of shirking metal lasted for less than a second before Natasha felt his vice like grip on her hips, turning them around before he slammed back into her. She groaned as he hit the end of her, the size of him almost too much.

He grabbed one of her legs, bending it backwards until she was sure she'd have a pulled muscle tomorrow. Then he lowered himself onto her with his full weight, pressing the air out of her lungs in a groan of half bliss, half pain as he swelled even more inside of her, his member pulsing, making her clench around him instinctively. The tip of his was resting in her womb, ready to fill her up.

James chuckled darkly as he heard her mewl. "You like this?"

Natasha couldn't answer, having lost her words as he started his forceful pounding once again. She had to grip the metal headboard as to not be shoved against it. It became difficult to breathe, every thrust making her groan while the feeling of him inside her became the only reason to live.

"I asked you a question." He used his commanding tone, making her shiver and her skin prickle in excitement. "Do. You. Like. This?" He punctuated the words with his thrusts.

"James…" The name escaped her lips like a prayer. His hand was everywhere at once, pinching her nipples with that familiar metal hand.

"Good to know you still remember my name while I fuck you blue. But I want an answer. Is  _this_  what you want?" He slapped her thigh before gripping her by the hip, leaving dark bruises in his wake.

She wanted to reply but it seemed impossible. A weak nod was all she could muster before he made her see stars again.

"This is what you want, right?" His fingers now attacked her clit.

She started to cry. "Ja-… James!"

He shot forward like a wildcat, biting into the vulnerable skin of her neck, drawing blood. "I love the way you say my name like I'm a god sent from above, but I want an answer before I truly let go."

Oh, sweet… The thought of him not even going full force, promising to - if she just asked him to. Oh, it did things to her. She felt her orgasm building up. Just a little bit… The edge was so close...

As if he knew his hand's ministrations at her center stopped. "Oh, no, I won't let you come until you answer me."

"Bastard!" She growled and tried to get the upper hand again but he was a wall of muscle and her sloppy attempts at switching their positions only turned him on more.

"Oh, so the Widow still has her bite. Come on, little spider. You wanted it, you'll get it." They stared into each other's eyes, fighting a war for dominance.

Natasha knew if she lost this battle now, she might not walk away from the bloodshed alive. And it thrilled her more than anything. "You really think you can break me?" At least he had given her enough time to regain her breath.

"Oh, my sweet, sweet girl. My beautiful doll. You have no idea…" He gave her a slow and sensuous kiss, making her taste her own blood on his lips. "I will break this porcelain skin of yours, those silky folds that clench around me so nicely."

"I am made of marble." She whispered darkly yet not with the malice she usually felt when thinking about this phrase. Because only marble could conquer his metal.

His pupils blew wider, almost entirely black now, pools in which the spider could drown if she wasn't careful. "You don't want to be broken?" He knew that this would have hurt her if they were in another situation. Both of them had been shattered and torn apart often enough so that there was barely anything of them left to put back together. This was a totally different level. They were exposing their weaknesses to each other, being vulnerable in this rare moment, because they could be. Because the second they gave in, letting themselves fall into the void, the other was there to stop the descend. And it was a thrill like no other.

"There is only one who I would allow this privilege." She tested him.

"Oh, so…" He raised his metal arm for both of them to muster. There was blood smeared across the plates. James knew this should scare him but right now… His tongue shot out, licking at the red. "This is what you want?"

"Yes." Her voice was stronger than she felt on the inside.

As if he were surprised by the sudden straight answer James looked at her with his mouth open. Then a grin spread over his lips and his eyes burned with desire. He looked proud. But then his expression was shadowed once more as his intentions became clear. "This," his metal fingers snaked around her throat. "...is what only the Soldier can give you."

She sobbed at that. "Yes, Soldat."

He remembered times when he had been her instructor. Teaching her how to reach new heights in both combat and seduction. Having her this prone to him, this willing… Natalia had grown over all this years, matured and yet to still have her vulnerable to his desires… His hands made one last trail along her curves before they came to rest at her hips. He would impale her on his cock with every thrust until she was losing all thought. His hips snapped forward earning him another groan. "Then… Я готов отвечать (ready to comply)…"

Natasha shivered and closed her eyes. She had awoken the Winter Soldier and he wouldn't just let her go. No… He would have her until they were both satisfied, and there was nothing more wonderful. His arrogant chuckle became a violent growling as his hips snapped against her hard enough to break bones. Natasha met each and every thrust with a vigor that made him groan in lust. God, this was perfect. He couldn't get enough of this woman. Why the hell did he wait this long to unite with her in a physical way? How could he have been so stupid to deny his senses such an ecstatic beauty. He tightened his grip on her hips, demanding an even rougher rhythm that would bring them over the edge.

By now Natasha's moans had turned into screams. She was clinging onto him for dear life. She wanted to fight him, to rile him up, but right now… it was just too dangerous. "Harder…" The Black Widow begged - and he complied.

Only minutes later he knew he couldn't last any longer, and Natasha wasn't far behind him. He picked up speed one last time. The slapping of their hips a blurry noise while he felt himself swelling up again, his balls tightening up, ready to shoot his essence. "Say you're mine!" He demanded.

"I'm yours," Natasha gasped in desperation. "I'm yours…. and you're mine."

The cocky bastard inside him thought ' _You're damn right, I am.'_  and all rational thought left him as he let himself go. Natasha gave one last groan before she clung onto him while her entrance contracted around him, ripping him into bliss with her. He had a vice-like grip on her hips, making sure her spilled inside her womb. That forceful pounding awoke the primal instincts inside her, humming in approval while she clenched her teeth, sobbing in a mixture for relief and need for more, for making this last forever.

It went on for ages, and was way over way too fast. He could feel how his seed mixed with her release, drenching their thighs. With one last thrust he collapsed on top her, feeling her pulsing that made this mind unravel. Seconds passed, or were it ages? He couldn't care less. This was perfect. In his last moment of control he rolled to the side to not crush her under his weight. It took him a while to grasp his surroundings again.

Natasha stretched out on the bed, trying to catch her breath. "Wow."

"That was…"

"... so overdue." Natasha said with a chuckle.

"I was hoping you'd finish with 'amazing'." He murmured in disapproval.

"Well, that goes without saying." She said and snuggled closer. "Never letting you out of this bed." Somewhere in her memory she heard her younger self say: " _The Soviet Union needs to find a new poster boy."_

"I like that idea." He smirked but at the same time his senses came back to him. And there was one scent in his nose stronger than the musk in the room. The coppery smell of blood.

The moment she felt him freezing beside her she knew this was a crucial point. If she said one bad thing now he might never take her like that again. "Superficial."

"What?" His eyes shot to her, seeing the blood smeared across her throat. One side of him wanted to lick it up, the other wanted to run away to save her from him.

She casually pulled her tousled hair to the side and wiped away the red from her skin. Leaving only fading lines where his teeth had pierced the flesh. "It's already healed. I've had worse from training."

He wanted to protest but her arched eyebrow made him stop. She was right and he was just too love drunk to argue. James sighed in defeat. "Alright. But…"

"Hush now. Let's enjoy the afterglow, you idiot. You do more post-orgasm talk than a woman."

Bucky scoffed at that. He held his metal hand up, balling his fist with the same strength he had used on her windpipe and hips. Then he clenched tighter, making the metal groan with a force that could shatter bones. "You know that I was still restrained."

"You think  _I_  used my entire skill set?" She asking him with a lecturing tone, while her body got ready for another round just by his promising words. "While your forte is brute power, I can counter with flexibility. No, we'll save that for when we know each other's reaction to more violent lovemaking."

James shook his head with a laugh. "Doll, you're just perfect. I don't deserve you."

"Oh, I think you do." She gave him another kiss, slow and loving.

The Soldier gave in and pulled her closer but he couldn't shake the unsettling feeling when he could still taste her blood on his tongue. Pulling himself away he thought about grabbing a washcloth from the bathroom when his eyes fell on his half opened duffle-bag. He froze when he realized he had released inside of her without any kind of protection. Natasha felt him sucking in a breath and followed his gaze to the bag containing a lot of rubbers.

Bucky coughed and blushed."Sorry, I forgot them."

"Don't bother." The Black Widow casually answered as she stretched on the bed.

He looked at her closely trying to understand her smile. "So..." Maybe she had been using hormonal protection and didn't tell him in fear of destroying the mood.

She lifted herself up and looked at the bag full condoms. "If that is what you intended to do with me one out of one hundred might have failed anyway. Where did you get so many?"

"Stark. He pushed them into my hand after we came out of the tanks the first time." Well, technically after he had ruined the shower in the gym. Of course. Natasha was certain there even were bets on when they would share a bed again.

He kissed her lips before gently laying a hand on her belly. "So you want to make another baby?"

"As long as the weird serum they gave me still works I want to give Alexei a sibling." Natasha made clear. She had managed to raise her son past the toddler years. Something she had never thought possible. And the joy it had given her was more than worth the trouble of going through a pregnancy.

"Do you think it can happen again?" He knew she had gone through her cycle a little while ago.

"I was a single-use container for them. But maybe a little bit of the serum is still inside of me."

"Well then. Let's try before it wears off, don't you think? I mean it usually takes a few tries for a couple to conceive." Oh, how much he would enjoy the attempts.

"You were a one-hit-wonder the first time when I conceived Alexei so I'm quite certain there is already a little sister for him on the way. Your reputation doesn't fail you in this one." Her fingers caressed his chest while she looked him straight in the eyes. "You are a sniper who always hits the mark. With the force you can shoot I bet your swimmers didn't have to do that much swimming."

James shuddered as she spoke these words. So many emotions were fighting inside of him. Love for this gorgeous woman who was with him all the way. The wonder he remembered when he had held Alexei the first time and the pictures he imagined when thinking about experiencing this 'becoming-a-father' the normal way together with her. Also the thought about how he would protect his daughter, in case Natasha's words turned out to be true, and at last the primal instinct of impregnating his mate.  _Mine._  "You have any idea what that does to me? The thought of..." He didn't know how to articulate.

"Proving your manhood? Knocking up the mate? Yeah, I do." She saw his length already hardened and twitching at her words.

He almost growled as he threw Natasha into the sheets before claiming her body in one hard thrust. "Well, then. I'll see to my mate's satisfaction, so the Black Widow doesn't consume her partner once the deed is done."

She moaned in delight while clinging to him. "Oh, wouldn't dare. I intend to keep you."

"For the sex?" He asked, arching a brow and giving her a cocky smirk.

"Forever." She shot forward like a predator and took his lower lips between her teeth, drawing blood. "And now get started before I get impatient."

"That's a challenge I'll try to live up to." He pressed his groin against her, diving in deep and hard. "We've got all night."

"One night will barely be enough."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed ^^ Also check out my 7 one shots for BuckyNat smut-a-thon. Some of these have glimpses into where the story might lead to and also some fanfics in which I've changed some facts and got a different story out of it. As in James and Natalia were able to flee the Red Room successfully.


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